Dear Dev,
I know it's not been easy for you but I feel wounded and forever alone this letter express all of my feelings like an open book.
I constantly feel left out because I can't conceive. I constantly feel like a burden on you and the family. Because I can't give you that joy. The joy of a baby. I know you want to take control of the situation and make everything better. Trust me I want to as well. Give you everything but God seems to have a plan of his own. To keep me infertile.
I feel powerless that I can't do anything about how my body works. I hate myself and I hate my body. I feel rejected and betrayed because I can't give you that small joy. I feel stupid that I thought I was a mother. How happy was the family, I got the love I truly desired from day 1. As soon as I wasn't pregnant everyone turned into a stranger, an enemy. Why this treatment? Have I not tried everything to keep everyone happy? When I needed the family the most they left me to drown in my own sorrows.
When I am constantly reminded of my infertility I feel like someone is stabbing my stomach repeatedly. When I fell in love with you I dreamt the day I could conceive again and again. But this is not in my destiny. Not in our destiny to be happy together. I feel defeated and for the first time in my life a failure. I tried everything but my body isn't responding it doesn't want to give me that joy. That joy of holding my baby's little fingers for the first time or giving it a little peck on the head.
I am sick and tired of living up to everyone's expectations of giving them a grandchild. I am sick and tired of being physically and emotionally tortured by the doctors. I dont want to see the best doctor you can possibly find with all of your wealth. It isn't in my destiny. I have endured enough humiliation to last me a lifetime, opening my legs to strangers each time praying that this will be my moment of success. I dont want to keep trying all of these home remedies as it is only making me feel worse.
I can't sleep at night because I can't stop thinking of the worst. I haven't seen a positive dream since this treatment started. I am starting to believe that this isn't in my destiny. I am tired of finding symptoms like tender breasts, going to the bathroom to make sure I am not on my period. All in vain my prayers are not being answered. I want to wrap myself under a duvet and never come out. I dont feel any positivity anywhere and I am done with hearing "we will try again" or "dont give up" I have given up a long time ago!!!
Every time I get my period I fall apart and cry my sorrows and frustration's of losing my chances of a baby again. I cry and grieve over the chances of losing my wish again. How long must I put myself through this torture? It is straining myself, my family, my marriage and my sanity. Is it really worth it now Dev?
I know this is your mother's dream but it has taken over my life like a full-time job, a round the clock obsession and the only topic discussed. You must think I am a terrible person but this thing called infertility has filled my blood with venom. Something I want so desperately but can't have or achieve. I have never felt so worthless.
Every morning I wake up with a fake smile but actually I want to scream so loud that all of this pain just disappears in the blink of an eye. Like a bad dream. I cringe at the sight of hospitals because I dont think I will ever be able to experience what maternity is like.
When I see a pregnant woman instead of feeling happy or excited my mind is full of envy and a feeling of injustice. Why can that woman be a mother but not me? I wonder if she went through what I am going through now or was it plain sailing for her. Everywhere I look I see mothers with their young children creating precious memories. Dont I have an entitlement to that as well?
I day dream every day about telling you Dev that "I am pregnant" just so we can announce it to Maa and the family. I have it all planned out but when will that day arrive? Every morning I wake up with the fear that you will give up on me. You will leave and never come back.
It upsets me when I hear stories about children being abandoned by their mothers. It makes me angry that god gave children to such women but not me. The truth is I am terrified of living the rest of my life feeling unfulfilled and unloved.
I once believed that being a nutritionist would be my biggest dream. Now fighting my infertility is the biggest mission of my life, to have a baby and be a mother. Every moment of my day revolves around my pregnancy but sometimes I wonder if the only time I will ever experience this feeling is in my dreams.
My eyes yearn to see my baby and my ears yearn to hear "Maa" all of this pain and torture will disappear in seconds. I feel lonely in this big world as I am the only woman in my friends and family to be burdened with this tragedy. Why me? Why have I been deprived of this joy Dev?
I wait for the day when this vicious storm will pass and the sun shining above me will bring hope through a rainbow. My life will be coloured with love, peace, happiness and the feeling of being a mother.
Forever yours,
Sonakshi Dixit
Indian Idol 15
