Posted:
OS- I deserve it
Though fifteen days had passed, scenes of that dreadful night still haunted Dev.
Dev was lying on his bed staring at the roof remembering the whole incident, how he found his mother fainted on the floor, maa and mamaji's conversation, his impulsive decision of breaking up with Sona, lost in his thoughts a tear of agony rolled down his cheek. He shut his eyes tight, he could see Sona crying when he told her he can't afford to loose his mother and its all over between them.
Next morning when he woke up he could feel the same emptiness around him which was killing him since the day they had come back from hospital. Mornings, evenings and nights all were same for him. He had drowned himself in work so that he doesn't get time to think nething, but today he was not able to contain himself. He knew he has to go to the office, he got out of his bed to get ready but had throbbing pain in his head. He sat down on the chair, he felt soft fingers pressing his forehead and inadvertently said " Chod do Sona, main theek hoon". He looked back and realised there was no one. He got up from the chair to get ready and opened the almirah to select the shirt, he saw the orange shirt hanging there, He remembered Sona holding the orange shirt on his torso and saying" aap ye orange waala shirt try kijye na isme aap bahut ..." . He rubbed the sleeves of the orange shirt on his cheek, it felt like Sonakshi was titillating on his cheek. He pulled out a grey shirt, got ready and moved out his room, he felt Sonakshi standing in the corridor holding her ears and saying " I m sorry, aap joru ke gulaam nahi ho and I love u". A faint smile ran across his lips, he so wanted to run and hug her tight but knew it was his illusion. He reached near the dinning table, he looked inside the kitchen searching for those beautiful eyes and heart melting smile. He heard his mother telling Bhola" jaldi nashta lagaa de, dekh Dev aa gaya bhi tayyar ho kar" , he felt as if all these voices were coming from a distance, he turned back and started walking towards the main door. He was brought back to senses by a pat on his shoulder, he looked back and saw Nikki standing " Bhaiya maa keh rahi hai nashta toh kar lo, tayyar hai". Without even thinking Dev just replied" Nahin office jaldi pahuchna hai, naashte ka time nahin hai".
He reached near the car, he saw Sonakshi standing smiling at him in the cream and red saree she had worn on the day havan. He so wanted to reach to her, he pulled out his arm only to realise there was no one around. The moment he sat in the car, he could not control his tears, he said to himself " how will I live without you". Wiping his tears, he started the car and drove to office. He had just settled on his chair in the office, Teena entered his room. Dev felt as if Sonakshi is entering through the door wearing her yellow and red salwar kameez, Dev muttered " Miss Bose!" Teena replied " Sir! Did u say something". Dev said coming back to reality " Nothing, tel me what happened". Teena was rattling out his day's schedule of which he probably din even hear a word. He just said " Ok, can u plz send in a cup of black coffee". Teena gave him a confused look and said " sure sir" and left. One after other meetings and presentations kept on happening. Dev was just physically present, his mind was just thinking about Sonakshi, her tearful eyes, pain on her face, her last words were reverberating in his ears " U can't do this to me, I din do anything to deserve this".
Sona's house:
Sonakshi was still unconsolable, Elena was sitting next to her" Sona tujhe khud ko sambhalana hoga, kab tak rote rahegi, Pandrah din ho gaye hain, na tu theek se kha rahi hai, na theek se so rahi hai, sirf ro rahi hai, u want to kill urself". Sonakshi looked towards Elena, her face was red and wet. She said " Elena did I actually love a coward, he just left me in this pain and agony because his mother was not able to accept me as of part her son's life, Kya hamara rishta itna kamzor tha ke ek jhatka bhi bardaasht nahi kar saka. Har problem ka solution sirf yehi hai ke mujhe apni zindagi se nikaal kar bahar phenk do". Elena had no answers to her questions but she could feel her pain, she held her face in her palms and said" Sona sambhal khud ko, apni zindagi mein ab aagey badhna hoga".
Asha entered Sona's room,since last 15 days she had just seen her daughter crying, she felt so helpless, she wanted to take away all the pain and agony of her daughter but din knw wat to do. She called Elena out and told her that they have to go to doctor for dadi's routine check up, Dadi has not been feeling fine since last 2-3 days, they cannot avoid this appointment. Elena reassured her that they can go, she will be with Sona and take care of her.
Dev's office
By the time meetings for the day got over it was 7, Dev left from the office. Lost in his thoughts when he applied the brakes he found himself standing outside Sonakshi's house. This place had witnessed so many moments of their innocent love. He could see himself dancing with her in rain, hugging her tight, lifting her to the sky. He broke down, with his head resting on steering he was crying his heart out. After 15 mins in composed himself, got down from the car and walked towards Sonakshi's house. Reaching at her door, he stood there, he wanted to knock but felt a tug " what if her parents don allow him to meet her, what will he tell her, he had no answers to her questions. After few seconds he realised that Elena had already opened the door as she had seen him standing while coming down from Sona's room. Dev Babu! Elena snapped on his face " Aap yahan?". " Elena kya main Sonakshi se do minute mil sakta hoon" Dev requested. Elena din knw what to do but somewhere in her heart she probably knew this meeting was needed for both of them, she said " Sona upar hai apne kamre mein, maashi- mesho bahar gaye hain, they will cum back in another 15-20minutes, plz leave before they cum". Dev went up and stood at the door, Sonakshi was sitting on the bed with her head leaning back on the headrest and eyes closed and tears rolling down her eyes. How could he do this to his love, how could he leave her in so much pain and despair? He felt choked.
He entered her room and called her name " Sonakshi". Sonakshi looked up towards the direction of sound. " Dev aap, yahan? Plz aap yahan se chale jaayiye. Maa baba sab hain ghar par, plz unko aapka yahan aana achcha nahi lagega" Sonakshi rattled in one breadth not understanding what to say. " Main chala jaaoonga, bus do minute meri baat sun lo"Dev requested. Sonakshi remained silent looking down at her folded knees.
Dev sat on the bed in front of Sonakshi and said" Sonakshi main nahi jaanta main yahan kyun aaya hoon, main ye bhi nahi jaanta mujhe kya bolna hai, par main ye jaanta hoon, main tumhare bina nahi jee sakta aur main apni maa ko marte hue nahin dekh sakta. Sonakshi please mujhe maaf kar do, u don deserve this pain, but I do. Main kaise bhool gaya ke main Dev Dixit hoon, mujhe sirf paise kamaane ka haq hai, sabki zarooratein poori karne ka haq hai, sabki khushiyon mein khush hone ka haq hai par kissi se pyar karne ka haq nahi, apne liye khush hone ka haq nahi. Maine kaise soch liya ki main bhi apne baare soch sakta hoon. Tumse pehle apne kabhi kuch nahi chaha tha aur jab chaha toh apni aur tumhari dono ki zindagi barbaad kar di". Dev was crying badly holding Sonakshi's hand and resting his head on her folded knees. He said" tumhe poora haq hai tum mujhse nafrat karo, mujhe baduaa do, par main khud ke saath kya karoon, khud se jitni bhi nafrat karta hoon kum lagti hai, khud ko jitna bhi kosta hoon kum lagta hai kyunki mujhe apni zindagi barbaad karne ka haq toh tha par tumhari nahi. I deserve this pain and agony but u don't. Uss din hospital mein maa ko uss haalath mein dekh kar maine tumse kaha ki sab khatam ho gaya, par main khud kuch nahi khatam kar sakaa, I die everyday thinking about the pain I have given to you. Meri maa ko apna beta mil gaya, meri behno unka bhai mil gaya, par... Dev marr gaya Sonakshi , Dev usi pal marr gaya jab usne kaha ki tum meri zindagi se chali jao". Sonakshi wipped her tears lifted face from his chin and said" Dev maine aapse kaha tha na agar aap mujhe chod denge, main tab bhi aapko chod ke nahi jaa sakti. Aap jaise apni maa ki pooja karte hain, main apne pyar ki". Dev was shell shocked listening to her words. He din know what to say further. Sonakshi said " Aap jaiye apne farz nibhayiye, mujhe bhi apni duties poori karni hai, jo duties meri mere patients ki liye hain, mere parents ki liye hain aur khud ke liye hain, haan but part of me will be always with you".
Elena entered the room to remind Dev that Sona's parents would back any moment and he should be going now. Dev got up from the bed and walked towards the door, he looked back towards Sonakshi who was still looking down. He din knw wat gud he had done in his life to meet a person like Sonakshi and what sins he had made to let her go like that. He walked out of her room quitely.
Though fifteen days had passed, scenes of that dreadful night still haunted Dev.
Dev was lying on his bed staring at the roof remembering the whole incident, how he found his mother fainted on the floor, maa and mamaji's conversation, his impulsive decision of breaking up with Sona, lost in his thoughts a tear of agony rolled down his cheek. He shut his eyes tight, he could see Sona crying when he told her he can't afford to loose his mother and its all over between them.
Next morning when he woke up he could feel the same emptiness around him which was killing him since the day they had come back from hospital. Mornings, evenings and nights all were same for him. He had drowned himself in work so that he doesn't get time to think nething, but today he was not able to contain himself. He knew he has to go to the office, he got out of his bed to get ready but had throbbing pain in his head. He sat down on the chair, he felt soft fingers pressing his forehead and inadvertently said " Chod do Sona, main theek hoon". He looked back and realised there was no one. He got up from the chair to get ready and opened the almirah to select the shirt, he saw the orange shirt hanging there, He remembered Sona holding the orange shirt on his torso and saying" aap ye orange waala shirt try kijye na isme aap bahut ..." . He rubbed the sleeves of the orange shirt on his cheek, it felt like Sonakshi was titillating on his cheek. He pulled out a grey shirt, got ready and moved out his room, he felt Sonakshi standing in the corridor holding her ears and saying " I m sorry, aap joru ke gulaam nahi ho and I love u". A faint smile ran across his lips, he so wanted to run and hug her tight but knew it was his illusion. He reached near the dinning table, he looked inside the kitchen searching for those beautiful eyes and heart melting smile. He heard his mother telling Bhola" jaldi nashta lagaa de, dekh Dev aa gaya bhi tayyar ho kar" , he felt as if all these voices were coming from a distance, he turned back and started walking towards the main door. He was brought back to senses by a pat on his shoulder, he looked back and saw Nikki standing " Bhaiya maa keh rahi hai nashta toh kar lo, tayyar hai". Without even thinking Dev just replied" Nahin office jaldi pahuchna hai, naashte ka time nahin hai".
He reached near the car, he saw Sonakshi standing smiling at him in the cream and red saree she had worn on the day havan. He so wanted to reach to her, he pulled out his arm only to realise there was no one around. The moment he sat in the car, he could not control his tears, he said to himself " how will I live without you". Wiping his tears, he started the car and drove to office. He had just settled on his chair in the office, Teena entered his room. Dev felt as if Sonakshi is entering through the door wearing her yellow and red salwar kameez, Dev muttered " Miss Bose!" Teena replied " Sir! Did u say something". Dev said coming back to reality " Nothing, tel me what happened". Teena was rattling out his day's schedule of which he probably din even hear a word. He just said " Ok, can u plz send in a cup of black coffee". Teena gave him a confused look and said " sure sir" and left. One after other meetings and presentations kept on happening. Dev was just physically present, his mind was just thinking about Sonakshi, her tearful eyes, pain on her face, her last words were reverberating in his ears " U can't do this to me, I din do anything to deserve this".
Sona's house:
Sonakshi was still unconsolable, Elena was sitting next to her" Sona tujhe khud ko sambhalana hoga, kab tak rote rahegi, Pandrah din ho gaye hain, na tu theek se kha rahi hai, na theek se so rahi hai, sirf ro rahi hai, u want to kill urself". Sonakshi looked towards Elena, her face was red and wet. She said " Elena did I actually love a coward, he just left me in this pain and agony because his mother was not able to accept me as of part her son's life, Kya hamara rishta itna kamzor tha ke ek jhatka bhi bardaasht nahi kar saka. Har problem ka solution sirf yehi hai ke mujhe apni zindagi se nikaal kar bahar phenk do". Elena had no answers to her questions but she could feel her pain, she held her face in her palms and said" Sona sambhal khud ko, apni zindagi mein ab aagey badhna hoga".
Asha entered Sona's room,since last 15 days she had just seen her daughter crying, she felt so helpless, she wanted to take away all the pain and agony of her daughter but din knw wat to do. She called Elena out and told her that they have to go to doctor for dadi's routine check up, Dadi has not been feeling fine since last 2-3 days, they cannot avoid this appointment. Elena reassured her that they can go, she will be with Sona and take care of her.
Dev's office
By the time meetings for the day got over it was 7, Dev left from the office. Lost in his thoughts when he applied the brakes he found himself standing outside Sonakshi's house. This place had witnessed so many moments of their innocent love. He could see himself dancing with her in rain, hugging her tight, lifting her to the sky. He broke down, with his head resting on steering he was crying his heart out. After 15 mins in composed himself, got down from the car and walked towards Sonakshi's house. Reaching at her door, he stood there, he wanted to knock but felt a tug " what if her parents don allow him to meet her, what will he tell her, he had no answers to her questions. After few seconds he realised that Elena had already opened the door as she had seen him standing while coming down from Sona's room. Dev Babu! Elena snapped on his face " Aap yahan?". " Elena kya main Sonakshi se do minute mil sakta hoon" Dev requested. Elena din knw what to do but somewhere in her heart she probably knew this meeting was needed for both of them, she said " Sona upar hai apne kamre mein, maashi- mesho bahar gaye hain, they will cum back in another 15-20minutes, plz leave before they cum". Dev went up and stood at the door, Sonakshi was sitting on the bed with her head leaning back on the headrest and eyes closed and tears rolling down her eyes. How could he do this to his love, how could he leave her in so much pain and despair? He felt choked.
He entered her room and called her name " Sonakshi". Sonakshi looked up towards the direction of sound. " Dev aap, yahan? Plz aap yahan se chale jaayiye. Maa baba sab hain ghar par, plz unko aapka yahan aana achcha nahi lagega" Sonakshi rattled in one breadth not understanding what to say. " Main chala jaaoonga, bus do minute meri baat sun lo"Dev requested. Sonakshi remained silent looking down at her folded knees.
Dev sat on the bed in front of Sonakshi and said" Sonakshi main nahi jaanta main yahan kyun aaya hoon, main ye bhi nahi jaanta mujhe kya bolna hai, par main ye jaanta hoon, main tumhare bina nahi jee sakta aur main apni maa ko marte hue nahin dekh sakta. Sonakshi please mujhe maaf kar do, u don deserve this pain, but I do. Main kaise bhool gaya ke main Dev Dixit hoon, mujhe sirf paise kamaane ka haq hai, sabki zarooratein poori karne ka haq hai, sabki khushiyon mein khush hone ka haq hai par kissi se pyar karne ka haq nahi, apne liye khush hone ka haq nahi. Maine kaise soch liya ki main bhi apne baare soch sakta hoon. Tumse pehle apne kabhi kuch nahi chaha tha aur jab chaha toh apni aur tumhari dono ki zindagi barbaad kar di". Dev was crying badly holding Sonakshi's hand and resting his head on her folded knees. He said" tumhe poora haq hai tum mujhse nafrat karo, mujhe baduaa do, par main khud ke saath kya karoon, khud se jitni bhi nafrat karta hoon kum lagti hai, khud ko jitna bhi kosta hoon kum lagta hai kyunki mujhe apni zindagi barbaad karne ka haq toh tha par tumhari nahi. I deserve this pain and agony but u don't. Uss din hospital mein maa ko uss haalath mein dekh kar maine tumse kaha ki sab khatam ho gaya, par main khud kuch nahi khatam kar sakaa, I die everyday thinking about the pain I have given to you. Meri maa ko apna beta mil gaya, meri behno unka bhai mil gaya, par... Dev marr gaya Sonakshi , Dev usi pal marr gaya jab usne kaha ki tum meri zindagi se chali jao". Sonakshi wipped her tears lifted face from his chin and said" Dev maine aapse kaha tha na agar aap mujhe chod denge, main tab bhi aapko chod ke nahi jaa sakti. Aap jaise apni maa ki pooja karte hain, main apne pyar ki". Dev was shell shocked listening to her words. He din know what to say further. Sonakshi said " Aap jaiye apne farz nibhayiye, mujhe bhi apni duties poori karni hai, jo duties meri mere patients ki liye hain, mere parents ki liye hain aur khud ke liye hain, haan but part of me will be always with you".
Elena entered the room to remind Dev that Sona's parents would back any moment and he should be going now. Dev got up from the bed and walked towards the door, he looked back towards Sonakshi who was still looking down. He din knw wat gud he had done in his life to meet a person like Sonakshi and what sins he had made to let her go like that. He walked out of her room quitely.
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