|| Dil ko choo liya..||ch 1- 58.COMMENT!!

suryavni thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#1
dear friends.....i thought of starting an FFbased on prem and heer ,also other charecters of the show in a different attire.It will BE simple one ...I don't think iam a good writer...but pls comment on my work ,be it criticism or appreciation iam posting the prologue.....

Dil ko choo liya'................

Prologue'..

She looked above''around''and closed her eyes ''teares welled inside her lashes rushed out in a cascade of pearls'..the shimmering light from the chandelier focused on her petite figure and one could clearly see the slight but overwhelming smile''..

She knew she was happy''..beyond words could explain'.beyond the joys she had ever knew before'..after so many years she is feeling the warmth of her family''..

Wait'she tried to control her emotions'HER family'.yes ''but she could not tell them WHO she is''.she won't tell them who she is''will they believe her'.accept her'.No'

she remembered Teji bua's words 'her last words'

"heer beta ,main tumhe tumhare maa ke pas bhej rahi hoon'.lekin'.lekin ..bhool kar bhi unhe mat batana ki tum unki beti ho''yeh baat unki khushiyon bhari zindgi main aag laga degi'..main jaa rahi hoon'lekin tumko ,meher ko aur chah ko woh saari khushiyan dekar jaa rahe hai jinke tum hakdaar ho'.par beta kisi ko dard mat dena apni zindgi main'.tumhe tumhare apne milenge'tumhare rishte milenge'.lekin tere aur unke beech ek sheeshe ka deewar hoga''.

Yes bua'.Iam happy now jaise aapne kaha waisa hi maine kiya'yahan kisi ko pata nahi hai ki main kaun hoon'haa.aap ke bheje farishton ke alava kisi ko kuch nahi pata''

................*...........................................*..............................................*............................................*......................... chapter index

ch 1,2. pg 1 ch 33 pg 43 ch 58 pg 144

ch 3 pg 2 ch 34 pg 47

ch 4,5 pg 3 ch 35 pg 51

ch 6 pg 4 ch 36 pg 53

ch 7,8 pg 5 ch 37 pg 57

ch 9 pg 6 ch 38 pg61

ch 10,11 pg 7ch 39 pg65

ch 12,13 pg 8 ch 40 pg 71

ch 14 pg 9 ch 41 pg75

ch 15 pg 11 ch 42 pg80

ch 16,17 pg 12 ch 43 pg 83

ch 18,19 pg 15ch 44 pg 90

ch 20 pg 16 ch 45 pg 94

ch 21 pg 17 ch 46 pg 99

ch 22 pg 18 ch 47 pg 105

ch 23 pg 20 ch 48 pg 109

ch 24 pg 21ch 49 pg 112

ch 25 pg22 ch 50 pg 114

Ch 26 pg23 ch 51 pg 117

Ch 27 pg24 ch 52 pg 119

Ch 28 pg 27 ch 53 pg 122

Ch 29 pg 28 ch 54 pg 126

Ch 30 pg 32ch 55 pg 128

Ch 31 pg37 ch 56 pg 137

Ch 32 pg 39 ch 57 pg 141

Edited by suryavni - 15 years ago

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suryavni thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#2
😭😭😭.......nobody commented....thank u fsn...for liking my post.i knew it was not an attractive teaser....anyways....i have written some parts .so iam posting them..expecting comments from you all guys......pls do .....

chapter 1

"Teji niwas"'.Heer watched as the board which was the beacon of their shelter, slide down'her eyes were flooding'Meher and Chah clinged to her..Their home..Their only sanctuary is being taken away from them'teji bua left them' and when this day comes to an end they will be apart.. away from eachother''

Teji nivas was being auctioned by authorities'after that it will be demolished'.just like their lives'.which is going to change forever'..

Heer remembered what bua told her about Meher and Chah'.Meher was also an orphan,she was a small baby when bua brought her 'From that day itself it was 2yr old heer who had been her everything,her friend ,guide,sister and what not.Today they are going to part their ways'..

Chah was only four'Heer's heart cried when she took chah in her arms''she should go to St.Agnes orphanage as per the arrangements made by Teji earlier'.How she'll manage without her''''

As the three weeping souls held to each otherand stood silently watching the proceedings a car entered the gate.it stopped a few steps ahead of them.An elderly person got out from the passenger seat.Heer immediately recognised him.Mr.Lalit Juneja,business tycoon'his empire encompassed textiles,jewellary,construction and what not..He had come to their home before bua's death'..she was surprised then'.bua had a confidential meeting with him'..To heer he appeared as a caring gentleman.

As heer was busy recollecting her meeting with Lalit,the driver of the car got out'He was standing straight adjusting his coat'a tall handsome guy'As both men looked around to assess the situation Lalit saw heer'"heer'."he said more or less to himself .The guy also looked at the direction and his eyes fell on the girls .Heer looked up suddenly and their eyes locked for a fraction of second'

Lalit went up to the girls .he just stood there as heer tried to console a sobbing Meher and Chah."I"ll come after the formalities"saying this lalit looked at the guy who was watching them intently.He nodded and both of them went to the auction venue.

'Di ,mujhe aapse door nahi jaana..' Chah wailed'heer tried to make her quiet as she watched the nuns from chah's orphanage approach them.she bent on her knees.'di hamesha aati rahegi naa'are meri achi bachi,roti nahi'..aur dekho tumhare kitne friends honge wahaan.meri gudiya khoob khelengi naa.aur khana theek se khana ,yeh nahi kehna ki mujhe di ke haathon se khana hai'she choked on her words.Meher hugged heer..' di ,kya hum ek saath nahi reh sakthe?'.they both cried.

Heer and Meher kissed chah goodbye.her heart was pounding wildly .sensing that Meher quickly held her hands..'di aap apni maa se milne jaa rahi hai 'aap ko tho khush hona chahiye.'heer's eyes welled up..she said in her mind"main khush hoon'.lekin ek ajeeb sa dar lagtha hai"

both heer and meher stood there holding on to each other waiting for their destinies to take over their lives..

Another car pulled over and a middle aged couple got out..they came towards heer and meher.the lady extended her hands to meher as heer tried to smile''beta..'she said to heer 'Iam Malini guptha,this is my husband Prateek guptha.Teji had entrusted Meher's care with us .then only the thought of being all alone hit heer.Meher was sobbing uncontrollably hugging her'.heer gathered all her strength not to break in front of meher..'chup ho jao meher'main kahi bhi ho tumhare paas hi to hoon'..She turned to Malini.'Auntiji'Meher ka khyal rakhiyega" Malini smiled and nodded looking at Prateek.Prateek appeared to be little disintrested..but he too nodded .Given assurence heer embraced meher and made her sit in the car..

As the car pulled away everything blurred before her eyes.she could'nt see anything due to the flood in her eyes''..she was now alone'..all alone'.she did'nt know what will become of her'..Heer felt like sinking '..she felt lifeless 'and drifting'Before passing out the last thing registered by her conciousness was a sharp pain''.

''''''''''''.............*.........................................................*...............................

Heer opened her eyes'.she looked around'suddenly becoming aware of a sharp pain on her left temple'her brows twitched in pain'.but her mind was frantically searching answers for questions in her mind."where am I? how I came here? She was feeling warm as if she had a fever'her head throbed violantly and she clutched her head''she touched the bandage and wondered how it came there''..

she sat upright and tried toget out of the large bed as she noticed the luxury of the room. it was neat ,spacious and beautiful,none of the kind she saw in her life.she was feeling awkward and scared .she was still pondering her questions when a serene face appeared at the door..

'are beta tum uth gayi? chalo acha hua main tumhareliye khana leke aayi thi kuch kha le'"keeping food tray on the table the lady sat beside heer..Sensing her confusion she said smiling'.'tumhe darne ki koi zaroorath nahi hai.tum Lalit juneja ke ghar me ho aur main Gayathri juneja ,unki patni.who tum wahan behosh padi thi'mere bete ne tumhe dekha aur yahan le aaya.Ab yeh sab chodo ,zara fresh hoke aajao khana thanda ho jaayega'"

heer was trying to speak out'kya yeh meri maaa hai'.kaise pata lagaoo'kisse poochoo..Gayathri touched her and she shivered.Gayathri was talking to her but nothing went to her ears.Gayathri did'nt notice heers drooping eyelids.she passed out,but before sliding into depths she heard Gayathri shout'.Prem' Prem''

'''''''''..*....................................*....................................................*...............................

Prem juneja,son of Lalit juneja,CEO of JI group was distressed....and what bothered him was that he ,a person of conviction could'nt find any logical reason for his state of mind.Prem could'nt remove her face from his mind..so pure'.. so natural''and those eyes said all things, so much pain, helplessness'.and he wondered why he could'nt stand that pain ?

After finishing the proceedings Prem had walked out of the office to get some fresh air..his eyes unknowingly searched for the girls whom he saw earlier ..but they were gone'As he had time to spare he decided to give a look at the property they bought .He walked past the trees with leisurly strides .Suddenly he stumbled upon something'..someone'.he quickly bent down and saw a perfect face ,creamy complexion, beautiful eyelids 'perfect lips'.he was brought to reality when he saw blood 'she was bleeding'.he found a stone smeared by blood nearby'.As he touched her he became aware of the temperature''she probably became unconcious and hit her head'..

Prem took hre in arms and ran to office where Lalit was exchanging pleasantries with everyone.Lalit saw heer in Prems hands and was shocked..'Heer',beta ,Heer'.aankhe kholo'"he called her but there was no response.

"Dad ,she has high fever and it seems that she became unconcious and hit a stone'"prem said "hum inhe ghar leke jaate hai aur main docter ko ghar pohonchne ko keh dete hai"Lalit thought for a second and nodded.

As he placed her inside the car Prem felt an odd feeling'..even unconcious she seemed so anjelic'..and how well he could carry her slim figure as if he had been doing that for ages'.!!

"Prem'.Prem'..jaldi aajao"he heard Gayathri screaming.He quickly got to his feet and ran towards guest room sensing alarm in Gayathri"s voice.he saw his morther holding on to heer who was looking like a drooping flower'..head bent to shoulders''.Prem held heer from Gayathri's arms and laid her on the bed'

"kya hua tha maa?"prem asked Gayathri.."kuch nahi beta'who bohot hi mental struggle main hai'bohot thaki hai'.hosh aaya to janna chahthi thi ki who kahaan par hai aur main bata rahi thi'.tab achanak se behosh hogayi'.Tum yahi iske paas baith main ramu se kehke thoda garam paani aur soup laati hoo"

"ji maa'"

As heer regained conciousness she opened her eyes mumbling'."Ma'.Ma'.'she tried to get up when r pair of strong hands supported her'.she turned to see the person and was slightly scared to se a man '.an unknown man'holding her shoulders'she looked around 'confused she stooped her shoulders.Prem was intently watching her when she was trying to open her eyes.He helped her to sit up.But the look in her eyes made him realise that she is scared 'he soon let go of his hold on her and got up'"Don't be scared.Ma will be coming here in no time .she just made me to take care of you for sometime'"just then Gayathri entered with food and medicines and Prem left the room.

Edited by suryavni - 15 years ago
sweta2005 thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#3
awesomeeeeeee too good very nice part waitinggggg for next asap.
Pumpkinn thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#4
wow !
very nice ff !
loved it !
you are a good writer indeed !
waiting for the next !
update soon !
plzz pm me next time when u update !
annwesha09 thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#5
awesomeeeeeeeee !!!! 👏
very nice....luvd it
update asap
plz PM me when u next update....
nspn.92 thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#6
awsome.😊
Update soon...
Pls...do add me to ur PM list.
suryavni thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#7
Hi...thank....u all ...sweta,kamal, annwesha,crystal.....and all other silent readers out there....Iam posting the second part also....as my family have a weekend plan i wont be able to update for 2 days .but by tuesday i'll do the next one.....thank u all once again
here is the next update.pls do comment.....

Chapter 2

Later in the evening Lalith came into her room.Heer was sitting near the window immersed in her thoughts…she was confused..Was Gayathri her mother?then Prem must be her brother….but he seems elder than her….Teji bua had said that she was her ma's firstborne…then how come?she knew Lalit was her local guardien from now on..Bua had told her to go with Lalit and he will make her meet her mom…?who is my mother?

When she heard the door lock click she sprang to her feet,her palms instinctively moving up to hide her tears…Lalit stood there for sometime looking at her….

lalit: Heer beti,ab tumhari tabiyath kaisi hai?

heer: theek hoo…wo main ……yahaan….

Lalit cut in"its okay beta ….Teji had requested me to take care of you…in fact main tumhe adopt karne keliye socha tha magar Teji ne nahi maani…..shayad who tumhareliye kuch aur hi socha hoga…"he said the last line in a serious tone…..

"aap bua ko kabse jaante ho?"

"kai salo se…"

"aur ….."heer fidgeted with her dupatta…..she didn't know what to ask Lalit.

"aur main tumhare baare main sab kuch jaanta hoon"

Heer looked up to Lalit in horrer and disbelief….."aap sab kuch jaante hai …matlab ….lekin bua….."she took a deep breath before putting up her question…"to kya…wo…meri maa hai…?

"kaun…Gayathri..?

"jj ji?

"Nahi beta…..Gayathri meri patni hai….aur tumhareliye wo maa se kam nahi hai….par tumhara sawal shayad tumhare asli ma ko lekar hai"

Heer had stopped breathing…."haa….tumhari Maa….unka naam hai….Mrs.Veera Mann….!

Humare business partner…..Mann group of industries ki CEO…..Wife of Balraj Mann….the business magnet…

"lekin aap mer baare main…unse….'

"nahi beta ….main bhi bandha hoon ek kasam se . main yeh raaz leke jee raha hoon 19 saalon se aur sirf Teji aur main is raaz ke rakhwale hai…Aur Veera ko aaj bhi nahi maloom ki uski beti zinda hai!!!

Heer tried to look calm.. Her body was shivering….and teares rolling down .Lalit went up to her and hugged her…"beta Teji had requested to introduce u to Veera…. lekin …Iam confused …."

Heer spoke…. She had such a calm voice ."Uncle….can I get a job in their home…I mean as a house maid…."

Lalit was shocked "lekin heer ,tum aisa kyun chahti ho?You are educated and as far as I know u do have a job …aur tum house maid ki job karogi?

"uncle main unhe door se nahi paas se dekhna chahti hoon…mere naseeb main maa ka pyar…….lekin main to unki seva kar sakti hoo na…."Lalit looked at heer with wide eyes…"you…you don't want Veera to know..?"

"no uncle… bua ne mujhe yeh sikhaya hai ki humhe doosron ko dukh nahi such dena chahiye… aur mere liye to yeh itni khushi ki baat hai ki mujhe mera parivaar mil gaya….lekin agar yeh baat jaanne se unki khushiyon bhari zindgi main aag lag sakthi hai to main apni aakhri saans tak yeh raaz ..raaz hi rakhna pasand karti hoon"

As he stood near the door,Prem became aware that his eyes were moist…..Heer was Veera aunties daughter!!!! He was shocked as well as surprised…Seeing Lalit coming out of her room Prem quickly got into his room.

Next day

Heer woke up early. She freshened up and went down. Gayathri had not allowed her to come out of her room last night…but she was feeling good now….she found Gayathri near mandir…

Gayathri: "are beta ..aap uth gayi…chalo saath main pooja karte hai"

"ji aunty"

Prem was sleeping with a smile on his face..as a sweet voice invaded his conscious He slowly opened his eyes, got up and peaked through the hallway….she was singing bhajan.Her voice was so soothing that he found himself lost….

"Beta tum zara yeh prasad Prem ko de aana ..main unkeliye chai banane ja rahi hoo…."

"lekin aunty……wo…room…."

"wo tumhare paasswala kamra hi to hai….haa tum kisi se theek tarah se mila bhi nahi ..to pata kaise chalti"

Prem bolted into his room and got in his bed and acted as if sleeping…..As the soft chime of her payals became audible he felt as if his heart was taking extra work…"..Prem juneja……hold on ..yeh tumhe kya ho raha hai….ek ladki…ek ladki hi to hai….itna nervous hone ki kya baat hai!!!"

Heer knocked slightly and gently pushed the door open.she found her self in a luxurious room…kept neatly…..on one side the walls were filled with photoframes……she stood lost at the beauty .Prem was eying her….she stood there for sometime…and snapped out as her eyes fell on the person sleeping…..

"Oh God …main….inhe…main inhe kaise uthaoo…aaj tak Meher aur chah ko hi is haal main dekhi hoon…Meher tho bohot natak karti hai…..aur chah…"she thought with a smile"…who to meri aawaz sunte hi gale lag jaati hai…."suddenly the pain of being away from her loved ones made her heart ache….she quietly went to the curtains and parted them slowly.As she turned she saw the person standing near her…..infact....very near........

..........................................................*................................................................*.......................................................
sweta2005 thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#8
awesomeeeeeeee too good very nice part waitinggggggggg for next asap.
...Nikhita... thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#9
awesomeeeee ff!!!
loved the first two parts.....
so prem has already started falling for heer.....
wonder what heer is feeling.....
do continue soon!!!!!!
Pumpkinn thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#10
Hey
Nice Awesome Loved it. Plz continue soon

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