ch 62: ''conquering [kn/n]ight,2''
prem did not answer immediately. heer watched as he came closer to her. she watched the contrast of his hair shining blue-black under the lights against the pitch black out of the lights.
with a sense of immense relief, she saw that he was watching her back. that his eyes fixed on hers. and that those eyes were deep and dark, clear and open. telling her that he was done with hiding from her.
and heer thought she could see the answer to every question in his eyes.
in that moment, it was as if the entire evening had not happened. as if she had not spent the last few hours searching her soul. it was as if they were meeting for the first time in a long time. in that moment, nothing seemed to matter but who he was to her.
she did not feel her fingers begin to let loose their hold on the pack, or feel the icy trail it made as it slid down her arm, until prem reached out to stop it from dropping away. she could feel him entwine his hand with her suddenly nerveless fingers, bringing them up, cold and shrivelled, to hold them against the soft warmth of the cloth against his chest. she could feel the strength of his legs, waiting with a promise that they would hold her if her knees should buckle. and all the while, heer's eyes drank in the depth of the promise of his eyes.
prem looked into those wide eyes with that dazed look in them that never failed to enchant him. he answered her back just as gravely as she had questioned him, ''
i came here because it seemed to me that there were many things that i should have done tonight at the party, which i did not get a chance to.'' he made sure that her hand was warm and snug against his chest before he reached out to run his fingers against the curve of her face, where the hair was still damp, carefully gathering and tucking away the wayward strands behind her ear.
heer's eyes did not leave his for a moment.
''i had not told you how magnificent your paintings are. even if i didn't know that you did not know baba at all, they are wonderful. but i knew you. you had walked in out of nowhere and create them. that is.. magical.'' prem's eyes had a touch of wonder in them, as he looked down at her hand resting against his heart.
''have you witchcraft in your eyes, heer? in your fingers?'' he mused softly, ''
if you had not put together those perspectives, it would have been far more difficult for us to have done something so radical for baba's dream. you helped us give him what he has always deserved from us.''
prem leant closer to her face, his breath warm against her forehead as he softly said, ''
i had wanted all evening to thank you for that.'' kissing her eyelids one after the other in between. ''
and no one gave me a chance. i had to come back to thank you for your paintings, heer.''
heer stood pliant in front of him, the dazed look a little more pronounced.
''i had not thanked you for what you have given preet. my brother lost a part of himself when we lost your sister.'' prem's voice held a tinge of immeasureable sadness. ''
and no matter what we did, we could never bring back his smile.''
prem's face was tender as his hand cradled her face, his thumb smoothing over the rounded cheekbone before he leanded in to place a kiss on her cheek. ''
you were able to bring his smile back, heer. and i wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.''
''and,'' he breathed against her cheek, ''
it was not just preet that i need to thank you for. you have touched everyone that i know and love. ma laughs today like the mother that i remember from my childhood. and harman will never be able to say it, but he is the one who is even more thrilled to have baba's vision come true.''
prem leaned back a bit, both his hands framing her face, tilting it upwards so he could look into her eyes. ''
what baba created was so much about the designing and the construction, that it is just so much harder for him to show what baba meant to him. what you did, means to him.'' he paused and swallowed before he continued. ''
just like it is for me. but it is as important, heer, you must know that. i had to come back because i needed to thank you for all their happiness.''
her eyes were lit up by the overhead light that shone down on them. prem could see the lingering traces of pain through the dazed look they had. he saw a darkness that went beyond the hurt caused by her bruised arm. and he remembered how there had been a weary note underlying her quiet voice, when she had asked to go home with him earlier that evening. he remembered how he had not gone with her. how he had not gone to get her for the evening. how she had put sweet pea in her hair. just for him. prem's jaw clenched.
he made sure the icepack was firmly over her arm that he trapped between his body and hers, before he wrapped one of his arms around her, pulling in more firmly against him.
heer stood stiffly in the warmth of him, internaly fightining not to relent while her eyes drowned in his. she had to be able to remember who she was. to retain her identity. she had to fight.
and immediately lost the battle when she heard him say, ''
i am sorry, heer. i was a heel in the evening. actually,''
prem swallowed -- why was this so difficult?
''i have been a heel for weeks now. i was not sure.. i did not mean.. '' he paused, groping for words, and heer's eyes widened. that note of confusion has such resonance with her. after all, it was confusion that had been reigning over her mind, and her heart, for so long. how strange that prem was going through the same feelings she was.
he saw something stir and change in the depth of her eyes. he did not understand what it was but somehow it gave him the courage to continue. ''
you know how it is, when you are a kid and you watch your parents together? and it feels like there is no other way for those two people to be? as if they were born together? that it was impossible to imagine a time or place when they weren't together?''
he smiled, a small deprecating smile. and all she could think of was how she wanted to feel that smile with her fingertips and soak it into her skin.
''but as you grow up, what togetherness means tends to get a beating. i could see enough around me to believe that what my parents had was not unique. it was not something that would be impossible for me to have. and then,'' he paused. and when he spoke again, it was with that note of wonder in his voice again, ''
and then you came into my life.''
''and from the very first time that you ran into my arms, i could not imagine a time or a place when i hadn't known you. i was disoriented for a while. everything had changed. one minute you were not there. and the next, there was only you. '' he watched the light spread in her eyes and knew that she understood. she knew what he had felt. oh yes, she knew. prem watched her watching him, and wanted to kiss her, to make for all the lost time since that first kiss. but he owed her an explanation.
''it was just..'' he staunchly continued, needing to make she understand him. ''
i didn't understand why i got so lucky. why did i get to hold you, keep you close, lose myself in you when preet had lost his meher? why did my little brother who always laughed lose that light in his eyes? and then.. then he started laughing again.'' his fingers crept up along the side of her face, brushing against her hair. his finger found a strand, and entwined the softness around itself.
''and for a moment, i wondered whether..,'' he looked straight at her, ''
whether i deserved you, more than anyone else. anyone could become stronger, happier, wiser, just for knowing you. and i wondered why it should be me. whether it should be me.''
they stared at each other. prem saw the unrelenting gaze on her face, and his mouth twisted his face into a pained expression.
''i'm sorry heer.'' he said softly. ''
i was confused. when preet gave you meher's necklace, for a moment, that question became hard fact for me. i had to face it head on. i had to clear my head about this. and i had to do it on my own. in all that, i hurt you. i stayed away without first telling you why. but i had to talk to preet. i had to talk to him first, make sure he understood before i could make any promises to you.''
so that was why he had been so silent after their dance, when preet had whisked her away, heer thought to herself. and heer remembered harman saying that his elder brother was not an island, not while all of them were around. no, prem was not an island. he would never be an island, thought heer. he would never stay distant when someone near to him was in trouble or in pain.
and heer thought he was the first man after her father who had something about him that strangely brought to mind an aura of the heroic knights of old. he may not have a steed or a sword. he would be heroic behind the scenes, without drawing attention to himself. but he would always be there.
prem gently tugged at the strand around his finger, drawing her attention back to him. he threaded the rest of his fingers through the back of her hair, cupping her neck in his hand.
why was she not saying anything? why was she so quiet? had he confused her with his incoherent attempt to apologise for what he had done tonight? for what he had done to her for the last two weeks, while he tried running from her?
''heer, i am sor...'' his voice stopped abruptly when her hand moved up along his chest, past the open shirt. she lay her hand against his neck, the tips of her fingers against the line of his jaw.
''so.'' heer's voice was contemplative. ''
you say you came here, in the middle of the night, to a) thank me for my paintings, and b) to apologise for not having brought me back home, even though i very politely asked if you could.''
prem could not discern anything other than solemnness in her grave eyes. had his actions this night hurt her too badly? heer had been hurt so much by circumstances for so long now. and all he had done was be another random event in her life, that had put her through pain. in his mind, prem began to panic. perhaps preet was right. he had been unbearably cruel to heer.
he began to wonder what he had been hoping for by rushing over to her apartment, disturbing her in the middle of the night. preet and harman had been wrong. he should have waited. he should have let her rest and then come to her at the start of a new day, with all the promise of a fresh start to life. he had just begun to slowly draw away when heer continued, still contemplative.
''all those things could have waited for tomorrow.'' she tilted her head to one side, in the way that he remembered and loved, and his heart lost the heavy air of crushing defeat and felt light again.
he looked at the clear depths of her wide, wide eyes. he realised that her eyes had always fascinated him, with that odd touch of innocent purity of ancient times. the innocence that should have been so much in contrast with the seduction of the rest of her. should have been so different, but was not, he thought, suddenly aware of the softness of the hair that his fingers were thrust into, the fiery warmth of the skin of her back, cradled against the palm of his hand. in heer, innocence and seduction went so well together. and once again, prem felt the fierce thrill of knowing that this perfect specimen of human kind was all his.
heer continued, ''
why are you here just now, prem? what couldn't wait?''
prem sighed as he said. ''
you're right, heer. those are valid questions. and you deserve the truth.''
he suddenly tugged her in more closely to settle against the whole length of him, leg against leg, belly against belly, neither noticing the ice-pack that was rapidly becoming a soggy mass in between them. he looked unsmilingly into her startled eyes, and whispered against her mouth, ''
the real reason that i am here, heer, so late at night, why i could not wait till the morning, is because i wanted to kiss you goodnight.''
was he whispering? heer wondered. or was he shouting? he had to be shouting. how else could she feel his words in every part of her mind?
''i have wanted to kiss you goodnight every night that i have been away from you since the first time i met you. and all those nights that i have not kissed you, i have ached, heer. and that ache has been building up. it has been such a weight in me that i think i will burst with the pressure. i could not stay away any longer, heer. i had to come here, tonight, just now. i had no choice.''
prem could hear the slight note of desparation that had crept into his voice, but he did not care. he did not want to hold back anything from heer anymore. she deserved the full honesty of his feelings to match the honesty which she had shared with him from the start.
heer could hear the slight note of desparation that had crept into his voice, and wondered that she could be the cause of it.
her eyes were heavy-lidded with feelings that he saw but could not disentangle. then, he did not want to disentangle them when she lifted her hand to his mouth and gently ran her fingers along his lips.
she whispered ''
poor prem'' before reaching up to press a soft kiss. and that was precisely the point at which the feelings he had been suppressing since the last time he had been in the apartment with heer, broke free and overran every bolt of control in prem's mind.
and for the first time in that little apartment that night, every dark thought, every doubt, every soul demon, every strife stood overcome, defeated, struck down, vanquished.
conquered by the light.
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