he stood in the shadows, watching her.
he had come in early to the set. an old habit. he liked to get a lay of the land before anyone else was in. once they started streaming in, there was noise, laughter and other such distractions. and it was worse at the start of a show. there were the queries, the tentative advances of getting to know the strangeness of new faces; getting to know the changes in the old, familiar ones.
except hers.
it had been so long since he had seen her. actually seen her, the girl he had known from long ago, the woman she had become today. of course, he had seen her in the movies. it would have been odd if he hadn't gone to see the movies of the partner in the show that he was best known for, even after all this time. of the team that had started on that old, by now classic televsion show, she and raj had been the only ones to make it to the world of films. raj had done that through his sheer bloody-mindedness and persistence. she had done it... because it was inevitable. he had always known that her talent had been made for a larger medium than the small screen. there had been something about her face and expression that was reminiscent of the legendary actress of old. and though none of her films were the blockbusters that make their perfect-10 plastic model actor-wannabes stars, they were only stars in bank-balance and hysteria-driven crowds. everyone who saw her movies walked away struck by the luminiscene of her presence. her characters were remembered.
but he? he remembered her.
watching her now, he thought it was strange how well he rememberd her. she stood elegant and lean in her tailored slacks and muslin white top, the collars standing tall along her neck, framing that gently rounded chin. she still twisted her hands as she talked, throwing them out in fits of animation to the spot boys who had been the first people to walk in after him. he had been behind the columns at the edge of the stage and had missed her when she had come in. when he had finally seen her, she had been standing in the center of the old schoolroom that had been put together. the sunlight from the dusty windows making the dust motes dance around her would have been enough to draw his eyes to her eventually. but it had been the laughter that rang out, free and unfettered, that had immediately riveted his attention on her.
at first, he had startled himself with the instinctive jerk back into the shadows. he had not wanted her to see him. he told himself that he had wanted to get a chance to observe her first, see how she had changed. after all, observing your fellow actors without their seeing you gave you a chance to understand their true character. people always changed when confronted by a team-mate in a show, always putting their best step forward, trying to make sure that the first impression was the best.
but he knew he was lying to himself. it was he who wanted to make sure that she got to see the best side of him; that she saw him in control, of the situation, of himself. of his breathing that had suddenly become a little jerky. of his heartbeat that had raced without warning. of the fire that had lit up in his chest. just with her laughter that had captured his interest when he had first met her so many years ago. he wanted to prepare himself for when he first met her eyes.
her eyes that had captured his soul.
he sagged against the columns. it had taken him so long to acknowledge that it had happened. long past the end of their show together; through all their being fast friends; the best of teams playing at make-believe day-after-day. they had been each other's support in that pretend-world where it became so hard to draw the line between what was real and what was for show. she had kept him sane, as he had done for her. they had done it so well, that when the show ended, he had not even for a moment considered that there was anything more than the link of their friendship that would live beyond that time.
and she had not said a word to him.
she has always known how difficult it had been for him to prove his choices to his family. she had always known how much he had focussed on making his career work. she had not asked him about what he would do after the show. nor did she ask him for advice on what she should do herself. she had given him his space, and he had taken it without a seconds notice. he had gone ahead and done all the right things; thought carefully about what would push his chances best in the industry; thought carefully about when he was established enough to relax his fierce concentration a little; thought carefully about the girl that he became involved with; planned carefully when to get married, start a family. yes, he had thought and planned everything very carefully. and it had all worked out just as he had planned. his life was what he wanted. except for the little part with her in it.
the part that had a large part of his soul in it.
he shook his head. this was his problem. too much introspection. it would look very odd if they had to call out for him to meet her. in any case, his system was getting back to more normal parameters. he could feel his knees were able to bear himself up again. he pushed off the wall, and started walking towards her.
he knew the moment that she became aware of him. a quick stillness in her frame. her hands claspsed each other tightly for a moment, so tightly that her fingertips turned white. unbidden his eyes went to the soft cloth bracing her neck, where at the base he knew he could see her heart pulse hard against the skin if he were close enough. he wasn't. in any case, the stillness was fleeting. her eyes -- those so-familiar eyes! -- flashed up to his, filled with laughter.
''some things don't change, i see. i bet you were here before anyone else was, weren't you?''
upclose, the impact of her was lethal. he was glad he had taken a moment to compose himself.
''some things don't change. i see you are still quite the bet hound, aren't you?''
''put your money where your mouth is. are you going to pay up on my winning the bet or not?''
an instant, and it was like they had never been apart.
the crowd around them gathered, pressing and curious, diffusing all the potential intensity of their meeting. they had been a phenomenon the first time they were paired to act together. the strange thing was how the industry refused to acknowledge the alchemy of their being together. but then again, they had come together at a strange time. the industry was changing, the amount of money involved was changing, the kind of stories were changing, the audiences were changing. they had gotten caught in the middle of all that change -- and they had shone against all expectations; against all that should have been.
like all the other shows of the time, they should have become part of the old and estabished, or the new and experimental. they had become neither. there had been frictions with the syndications, and the producers, and an inevitable painful death. but through it all, they made their reputations as superlative actors. the industry had taken note, taken chances, and got sure-fire success whenever they hired them. but until recently, no one had tried to take advantage of the magic of their being together. it was almost as if it was sacrilege to try any other story or character where they would play lovers. almost as if no-one believed that that level of magic could ever be repeated -- even by they themselves.
until now.
the crowds started drifting off, disappointed when the meeting became just another ordinary one. no fireworks. no electricity. he stood looking down at her smiling eyes. it had been ten long years since they had worked together last. her eyes were still those long, wide, clear ones that he remembered. there were changes of course. today, there was a serenity there, when earlier all there had been was excitement and enthusiasm for what the next day could bring. as if she had learnt how to take blows to her chin and become the stronger for it. today, there were shadows in the depths of her eyes when earlier they had been as clear as the waters in a well.
he remembered the stories -- she had always been more outgoing than he had been. she had been part of a lively circle of fellow-actors. when raj and his wife had started making movies, she had been one of their favourite actors. another bet that had paid off for her, for them. but some of her bets had not paid off as well. like her bets on men. she had always been a friendly person. she got on well with men. he remembered hearing about her being linked with someone or the other. but he knew there was nothing there because everytime he asked her, she would laugh it off. and even when life got too busy for him to talk to her that often, he always knew -- somehow -- that the stories were not real.
she had not come to his wedding. but he remembered that she had been to the reception with someone. rahul. he still remembered the name, he realised. she had looked tired, the makeup on her face not able to hide dark circles under her eyes. but her eyes had been as full of teasing laughter and her smile as wide as he always remembered when she had congratulated him primly and propoerly. he remembered he had wanted to pull her into a hug. she had hung back and it had puzzled him. but it was his wedding day, and he quickly forgot. until he watched the reception videos late one night much later, unable to sleep, strung out by the stress of a late night shoot, and his first fight with a new wife on schedules.
he had been aimlessly skimming through the disk, his eyes restless, his hands twitching on the remote. when she had come into the frame, he had stopped and stared. she had looked drawn on the video, pale and clinging to rahul through the jovial laughter she shared with the rest of their friends, the ribald jokes at his expense. what had caught his eye was the way she hung back when they all moved to go upto him. the camera had caught a bleakness in her eyes that he had never seen before. and for the first time in his adult life, sitting in the dark of a hot summer night, he had suddenly spun into a realisation that he may not have planned as well as he had thought.
he had read about the release of her first movie and the breakup of her engagement a few days after that. he remembered trying to get in touch with her through raj. but raj had cut him off and refused. but then raj and he had never been great friends. it was only much later that he had realised it was because she had always been a bone of contention between them.
the movie had been critically and commercially successful. she had become somewhat of a star. perhaps in the best possible ways that someone from their industry could aspire to become. and he? he had been content to learn about her through the stories and pictures. he had been busy himself, growing into a celebrity in his own space, learning to juggle a family along with his job and his career.
he looked at her now, reading the shadows and the lights in her eyes. one of the things that had always bound them was that underneath the facades that they had to put in front of everyone, they had both been realists. they had always known that there were things they could control, and things they could not. and they had made a pact in those early days that no matter what anyone else did, they were not going to fight for things out of their control. he caught her looking back at him now, a wry look, and knew that she was thinking about the same thing -- their pact and things that had gone out of control. the certainty with which he knew what lay behind the look in the eyes staring back into his made his heart start a hard race again. they still had those same links they had built so many years ago. that intangible communications with each other. the ten years that lay between them had not sullied that at all. knowing it made his hands bunch into fists in the pockets of his trousers.
she smiled at him, knowing and .. loving. alone with her, the crowds shifting around them as they went about the business of setting up for the first day's shoot, he could finally admit it to himself after all this time: she loved him. he loved her. in ways that no-one else could understand or touch. he would be damned if he could have explained the love they had for each other. and yet the strength of that feeling was enough to make him want to fall on his knees in front of her and lay his head at her feet.
''lots of things have not changed.'' her voice was the same, still with the little girl note laid over a wrought-iron hard strength. ''you are still the first person on the sets of the first day, walking around with your hands in your pockets making sure everything is in place.''
''and you still come wearing white on the first day.'' his voice was raspy with the effort of holding his feelings back. but he could match his acting to hers.
the laughter in her eyes flared as she acknowledged their starting one of their little wars. ''you have a new notebook and pencil to take notes for the show even though i see you have the iPad.''
''and you have none!'' he shot back, spark matching spark. ''still relying on your not-that excellent memory, hmm?''
''i've had more practice now, you know.'' she retorted. ''i may surprise you.''
''hmm. maybe you can surprise me.'' there was a rougish look in his eyes. ''maybe not. i can see that you are still wearing heels higher than you need to.''
''only because i know you hate them.'' she pealed back.
it was surreal how nothing had changed.
''besides, i need to keep close watch on your eyes. suppose you sneak something in there for the cameras that i miss and get pulled up for.'' she said, her hand flashing up to point at his eyes. for a fleeting moment, her finger tips brushed against his eyelids.
changing everything.
he had her hand captured before they went back into their nervous clasp with each other.
''you still clutch your hands together when you get nervous.'' his voice was low. she had to lean to hear it. but this time, she had no comeback. there was that old familiar tingle in the touch of their hands, and she could find nothing funny to say. he was staring down at their entwined hands. as if there was something he had discovered afresh there.
''and our hands still fit.'' there was a note of despairing wonder in his voice. the hands fit together as well as they had before. they still warmed each other, spoke to each other, throbbed together as they had before.
''they are still the same hands, you know.'' she tried to make a joke of it, but her voice sounded choked. ''i don't think either of us have grown since we..'' her voice drowned in stillness when he took hold of her other hand and held her hands in his, his eyes coming to hers with a strange look of plea in them.
''i'm sorry i wasn't there when he died, you know.'' he hated that his words made her stiffen. he tightened his hold on her hands, when she would have pulled away. ''i wanted to call, wanted to meet you.''
''it's alright. really.'' her voice was tight. ''it has been a while. i have learn to accept that it was one of those random things that happen.'' she tried to lighten the mood. ''you used to warn me about these remeber? not to fight things that we can't control? in this one, you were proved soo right. that's one that you win.''
she gasped as his hold tightened so hard, that he pulled her towards him with a jerk. his voice was as fierece as his eyes as he whispered. ''but i never wanted to win this from you this way, ever. i never ever wanted you to be in a situation that you could not control. especially not this. i have always wanted you to be happy.'' he was unmindful of where they were. ''all i could think about wanting to take you out of it, take you away. but they wouldn't even let me meet you.''
the unhappiness she could see in his face was more than she could bear. when ravi had been diagnosed with third stage pancreatic cancer four months into their marriage, everything she knew about life had changed. he had gone against a conservative family to woo her, wed her. during such a time, she had allowed guilt to let them shut her out from everyone she knew and loved. she had fought for ravi, she had fought for her own sanity. and for a while after his death, she had thought that she had to atone for her sins by serving the family who had lost their only son. she had no idea that she had the strength enough to pull out of the morass. but she had.
''shh.'' she repeated it, like she used to while holding ravi in the last awful days of pain. ''shhh.''
they stood like that a while, with him holding her hands in his, staring down into her eyes. they were in a pool of tranquility around which the rest of the world respectfully flowed, giving them space. it used to happen before. it was happening again. it was the right order of things, and no-one questioned it.
''i got your note, you know.'' her voice was diffident.
''i know. offering my soul for you pain. a trite stupid note that anyone would say was as filmy as hell, and as consequential'' his voice was dismissive.
''it was the world to me.'' the sudden harshness of her voice startled him. her voice was fierce with passion, and low with tight control, and it shook him to the core of his being. he searched her eyes and felt the world spin out of control at the truth he could read there. ''it was the world to me.'' her fire was threatening to engulf them both, and he had to bring them back under control.
his voice was shaken as he said, ''raj felt pity enough for me to tell me that i was an idiot. the fool who didn't know what he had given up. that's what he called me.''
''don't let him get to you.'' she said quietly now, taking his lead, efficiently, in tune with where he was leading. just as she always used to do. ''he has turned quite paternal, especially after sasha was born. but i think he was always like that with me.''
''paternal is not what he was with you during our show.'' it was his turn to be forceful. ''not even by half. but then again, i think everyone was in love with you during our show. and since then as well. people just fall in love with you, and they can never stop.''
''well,'' she teased, trying to brighten his face, ''not everyone.''
''everyone.'' he repeated, suddenly intense. her gaze faltered under his. there was suddenly a heat in the air that whipped around them. she had learnt to face that heat, from the times that they used to work together. she had trusted it. and then had her trust falter and break when he had got married. both of them were people of ancient principles. they would never break a vow made. and yet, there was this animal of a feeling that they could never deny, that would not stay calm and quiet.
''everyone.'' it was a quiet word he spoke, but she heard it clearly even in the increasing noise around them. as he lifted her fingers to his mouth, pressing their tips against his lips, she could almost feel the rise in the tempo of his heartbeat matching hers. she saw the the depth of the look in his eyes. and she knew that look mirrored the look in her own eyes.
''i...'' his words went unspoken as his phone began to ring. he picked up the phone and slowly looked back at her. ''riya.''
his wife. they stared at each other. brutally realistic. rigidly principled. and yet so honest that they could not, and would not, deny the intensity of the feeling they had for each other.
incredibly, just then, she smiled. a brilliant smile that opened the sun to his world. ''you must take your call now, if you want to. sal's starting to gather everyone around for his brief.'' her hand fluttered up to brush against his cheek briefly. ''then, let's go find out if we can do the same old magic, shall we? at the worst, it is going to be the best challenge we have ever faced, no?''
and her trust in him was strengthened when his face brightened with a rakish smile that she remembered from old. ''yes, that it should be. working with you has always been that.'' she watched as his face turned a little rueful. ''it is being with you that is going to drive me crazy.''
''well, it's all your fault.'' he loved how young her face became when she turned cheeky. ''you should've known that was what it was going to be like, when you take up to do a show with someone to whom you have given all of your soul.'' her eyes were deep and serious over the playful shrug.
as she made to turn away and leave him as he hit the redial button on his phone, he caught her hand to pull him back to him. ''it's all your fault there was no other way that i could have had it given who you are.'' he whispered in her ear before he left her go.
they smiled at each other in perfect companionship, confident that like with everything else, this was one more challenge that they would be able to handle with grace and style.
what was the point of love if it couldn't deal with the randomness of life anyway?
----------- ph ----------- ph ------------- ph ---------------
ya, that's the line. ''he stood in the shadows watching her.'' it just would not leave my head, until i sat down and wrote the story that told where the line would lead. and funnily enough, i'm not sure! and i knew who it was standing in the shadows watching whom. well, i mean, i could see their faces. but i couldn't figure out who _they_ were!! 🤔
it came to a point where i thought i would go mad if it didn't complete itself as a story and leave my head. so i wrote it down.
mad it is, no?
and remember. you are not to ask one question. 'cause i have no clue as to the answer.
Cricket
