FF: Lost & Found

FF: Lost & Found

Index

Part 1: By the Ganges

Part 2: All that was unsaid

Part 3: Uncharted

Part 4: Bourbon

Prerna and Anurag are childhood friends who parted ways in their 20s when Prerna confessed her feelings for him and Anurag couldn't reciprocate.

Now in his 30s, Anurag begins to question the life that's propagated around him. He starts to see that his life is not one of his own design and one that's been put together by others for him.

Therein he begins the process of self-discovery and reflection... to finding purpose, love and a sense of belonging...

Part 1: By the Ganges

The Ganga flowed on. Anurag sat by the wet steps that led to the ghat where pyres danced to celebrate life after death. The pot on his lap weighed heavy with ashes of a life well-lived. He wasn’t ready to part with the last of his grandmother’s remains. His mind stayed on the days he would play around his grandmother as she cut veggies for their night meal.

“No one will cook for you, while I’m still alive,” she’d said not relinquishing control over their kitchen until the day a stroke left her bedridden for the last few years of her life. The sudden collapse happened a week after Anurag had returned from London after completing his MBA. With his grandmother’s declining health, his father began spending more time at home and it propelled him to take on his father’s media business immediately. From thereon, it took three years of watching his grandmother grow more fragile till the day she passed and another seven years to believe he could make the trip to Kasi for spreading her ashes.

“It will only take 500 rupees.” The boy seated two stairs below Anurag urged for the third time. “I’ll take you to the middle of the river. The priest will also come with us.” He said eyeing the copper jar covered with a red cloth. Anurag tightened his clasp around the pot.

“I’m not here for a pooja chotu. I’m just here.”

“Then why did you bring the ashes along?” The boy got to his feet, sounding frustrated.

“You have been sitting here since midday and now its time for the Aarthi too.” Anurag attempted a wan smile.

“Leave him alone, will you?” He heard a female voice call out to the boy from behind and he turned around to find Prerna make his way towards him. The boy eyed Prerna with a surly look before running back to his boat.

“When did you arrive?” He asked, as she shuffled to sit next to him.

“About an hour ago.” She said, turning fully to study him. “I want to be nice, but you do look like shit as Kaka babu mentioned.” It had been over a decade since she’d been as candid to him.

“I’m 33 years old, Prerna, while also being overworked and obligated for 95% of the day to both my mom and wife. I’m supposed to look like shit.”

“And the 5%?” She asked with dramatic curiosity.

“It’s the 1 hour I sit on the toilet reading a book or magazine.” Anurag shrugged unapologetic.

“Cheeee!” Prerna swatted his arm and moved to put some distance between them. “Now that’s a shitty hour that’s not so shitty after all.” She raised her eyebrows at him and they both broke into a laugh.

As the moment faded, a somber expression took over his face. Prerna placed her bag on the step to take out a bronze box and offered it to him. “Eat this, Anu,” she said opening the box to reveal a dish evoking a sense of familiarity he hadn’t felt in a while. “We got delayed driving into Kasi. Otherwise, I would have got you the kichdi earlier.”

Placing the copper pot back in his lap, he took the box from her and stirred the ghee back into the rice porridge with a spoon. The box of perfectly cooked mush of rice and dal flavored with his grandmother’s own recipe of spice mix made the moment surreal. Prerna watched his neck muscles tighten. She watched him waiting for any sign of agony he could experience that instant but might not show.

“Dadi said she will give me the recipe only if I promised to make it for you whenever you asked for it,” Prerna announced, even as he prepared to taste. He turned away to catch the falling rays of the sun on the far side of the river.

“You have never made it for me until now.” He complained and closed his eyes waiting for an assault on his senses, as he swallowed the pulp in his mouth.

“You never asked,” she said placing her cheek on a bent knee.

“You weren’t around.” He countered.

She collected herself before she responded. “Things got awkward Anurag. It was no one’s fault.”

The initial resistance Anurag feared in tasting his grandmother’s dish melted and he ate in a steady pace, as sensations of hunger surfaced. The green chili spice made his eyes water, strangely relieving the tightness in his chest.

By the time he finished the meal, Prerna ran up to the stores and brought back a leaf boat of golden marigold flowers that held a lamp in the middle. “I guess I needed it Pri," he spoke earnestly and handed the box to her.

As the evening faded, the banks of the Ganga glowed from the holy lamps that began showing up on the water.

It was another half hour before he found the strength in his legs to walk down to the water. He paused to take in the pressure he felt along his fingers as he fought the battle of memories inside him. Removing the cloth, he poured the ash into the streaming river to be carried away from him.

Prerna stood on the step behind him, to hand him the leaf boat of flowers with the lamp now lit. Once he paid his respects, he turned back to Prerna and slowly closed his eyes unable to face the loss he was only beginning to acknowledge.

She placed a tentative hand to clasp his forearm. It was a few minutes before she found the confidence to be as assuring as that friend of his past, though she felt differently for him now.

They stood in silence, her touch offering an anchor he hadn't availed before. Her kitchdi had reminded him of the belonging that had been lost to him since his grandmother’s passing. And the warmth of her hand… marked a beginning even within the close.

Wow... This is amazing, you should definitely continue!

I have a confusion.. Is Anurag already married here??

He said he has 95% obligation towards his Mom and wife.. Right??

Yes, Anurag is married to start with...

Part 2: All that was unsaid

When Prerna’s father got a call that Kaka babu and Anurag were traveling to Kasi that Wednesday, she didn’t believe their travel plans will materialize. Though her father and Kaka babu remained in touch, by visiting each other occasionally, the families hadn’t met in more than a decade. After her father resigned from Basu Publications, wanting a slow country life, Prerna’s family moved back to their hometown of Kasi to settle there.

If Kaka Babu were to plan a vacation to Kasi or arrange for the families to meet at a hill station, Anurag’s mother, wife or his sisters would always take ill. It didn’t take much to understand that the women in Anurag’s family didn’t prefer to socialize with hers. This time around too they had stayed back in Calcutta. However, it surprised her more that Anurag would accompany Kaka babu, when he’d never agreed to come for the previously planned trips that never did happen.

By Tuesday evening, her curiosity heightened when the cancellation call hadn’t come. Over evening chai, she asked her father on the purpose of Anurag and Kaka Babu’s trip, appearing nonchalant.

“Anurag wants to do the last rites for his grandmother here. You remember how hard it was on him?” her father asked after a moment of reflection.

Her mom joined in on the conversation.“Sometimes I have felt that he grew up all at once after his grand mother’s passing.” Her father nodded.

As the conversation around Anurag abated, she concurred with the elders on the observation. It was as if the fun parts of him had died even as his grandmother had become bedridden, turning the 23 old adult into a defiant workaholic, after he returned home completing his MBA. In that recollection, she realized she hadn’t been there for Anurag during those difficult times. She didn’t know better and it made her grieve in the present day, questioning the one hour that had shifted their relationship for life.

During their childhood, Prerna and Anurag's friendship had drawn envy from many. Despite Anurag’s mother’s disapproval, Kaka babu cherished their camaraderie, drawing parallels to his own rapport with her father. However, as the girl turned a woman, suddenly Anurag appeared too tall, his eyelashes and fingers too long. Their fights reinforced their closeness, while the ensuing reconciliation established an unmistakable sense of belonging. In no time, even his cursory touch left her reeling for hours. For years, she lived and died a thousand times when he was around, trying to hide what she truly felt for him. When he told her of his plans to pursue MBA in London, she prepared to confess her feelings for him, though she’d never detected any hint that he would feel likewise. On the last day before his travel, she mustered enough courage to speak about it. His shock to her avowal was visible, which he contained to make her comfortable. “Was it me? Did I mislead you?” He asked showing the guilt she expected, confirming she was only a friend to him. The silence drew out just as the hour did. Eventually, she wished him luck and bid farewell. When they didn’t hug even as they reached his gate, her worst fears were realized that he would begin to put distance between them to not nurture her affections by any length.

Once he left the country, the separation left a permanent rift between them, a chasm she didn’t know they could ever cross.

----------------------

From the ghat, Prerna and Anurag drove to the hotel to pick up Kaka Babu and her father before leaving for Prerna’s home, in the outskirts of the city.

“I’m going to eat everything that’s going to be on the table. No restrictions for me and Prerna -” kaka babu called out to have her turn back from the passenger seat, "I want the jalebi beta."

Prerna smiled with mischief in her eyes and looked to Anurag who was handling the steering wheel. “I don’t mind making it Kaka Babu, but I won’t come between your Mr Rules Basu and your wishes.

“Rules Basu? You are going to pay for that.” Anurag laughed with mock anger.

“Oh, with your cooking, I doubt Rules Basu here will care about anything but hoard his share.” Kaka Babu reached out from behind to playfully tap Anurag on the shoulder.

“You too Baba?” Anurag appeared miffed while her father joined the laughter. “Now I have to see if your cooking is going to live up to the hype or if it’s all just fluff."

Though he had only tasted one of her dishes it was proof enough to know that his father wasn’t exaggerating her culinary skills. It occurred to him that there had been more thought put into bringing him the kitchdi than she gave away. His daadi too had a mysterious way of knowing him; gleaning into what was unsaid. He thought that Prerna's kitchdi too had given him the similar comfort he’d wanted at the moment but hadn't asked for.

“Why won’t it be worth the hype Anu? She learned from your Daadi after all.” Kaka Babu sounded wistful. “Ma made her practice all the dishes until Prerna could perfect it. And for the times I would take Prerna’s side and complain, she would argue that she was training her bahu to cook right for her dearest Potha.”

Anurag briefly caught her gaze and she turned away just as her cheeks began to color.

“Maybe it's not appropriate to mention it with Anurag being married now. We don’t want to embarrass the kids, Moloy.” Her father chimed worried more about Anurag than his own daughter.

“Arey yaar,” Kaka Babu placed a hand on her father’s shoulder, “They are all grown up now and they are rooted in reality more so than us old fools.”

Her Kaka Babu’s tone held a tad bit of disappointment and it pierced her unknowingly.

Anurag remembered the finesse she’d employed in conveying the same message that his father didn’t care for."Dadi said she will give me the recipe only if I promised to make it for you whenever you asked for it,” she’d said.

Tuning into Prerna’s discomfort, he attempted to break the silence. “Exactly Baba. Because I’m grounded I end up as Rules Basu and you remain the darling of the crowd. Now you cannot take issue when I stop you from having that jalebi."

"You can try…” began Kaka Babu, however her attention shifted to Anurag as she felt his eyes on her.

It had been more than a decade ago since he’d given heed to her, let alone be attuned to her state. For the first time in a long time, she sensed the threads of their relationship weave back to repair the tear that had taken them apart.

Also for the first time in a long time, she smiled wishing nothing but for the friend she began to see in him again.

Dear Ladies,

Formatting is broken with the new domain changes. I've tried my best to see if the formatting sticks, but it isn't working. I'm happy to repost the story in my blog, if it will make for easy reading.

Let me know!

Oh! would love to hear from you all on the story progress so far.... :)

Part 3: Uncharted

After dinner, his body refused to move from the diwan he’d settled into. The cherished tastes of his childhood dishes reeled him back into an arresting nostalgia. As the elders kept to themselves in conversation, his thoughts began to circle around Prerna’s whereabouts.

"Anu, if you are wondering about Prerna, she would be in the rasoi ghar,” Prerna’s mom announced sensing his restlessness. “Just go straight through the back door and you’ll find it.”

Once on his feet, he found his way to the kitchen through the long hallway in the back of the room. Upon exiting the house, he sighted a large open kitchen a few yards away. It was then he realized that despite its modern amenities, the house retained the traditional architecture of the early 20th century. The courtyard with entryways to rooms on either side and the open kitchen built outside the main structure made their home a quaint sight.

When Prerna popped into his view through the window opening, he stopped admiring the surrounding and entered the kitchen.

She greeted him, her eyes showing a hint of surprise at his presence.

“It’s a beautiful house,” he said just as his attention flitted to take in the details of her appearance.

Surrounded by the large kitchen utensils, with her hair tied as a bun and draped in a sari with the pallu tucked in, his childhood friend suddenly seemed all grown-up. However, the few tendrils coiling at random to frame her face and the coy smile on her face were remnants of the Prerna he knew as a teenager.

“It’s papa’s ancestral home. We renovated a bit to ensure we fit in with the times,” she said, carefully pouring hot milk over a bowl of saffron.

“You are still cooking?” He prompted pointing to the simmering pan of milk on the stove.

“I’m making Badam Milk,” she said smiling. She didn’t go on to explain further and yet, he unmistakably knew it was for him. Feeling the same sensation of warmth course in him, he nodded at her with a smile.

“I’m not seeing Shivani. Is she not here?” He asked looking around.

“She is still doing her Ph.D. in Calcutta,” Prerna said walking to the stove. “She didn’t move to Kasi with us.”

A pang of sadness surfaced in him, as it occurred to him that they couldn’t have remained farther than they had been all these years.

“And you? What do you do?” He asked unable to help the inquiry.

“I run a culture experience company right at home,” she said, carefully stirring the milk. “Athithi.com. Look it up.”

The name heightened his curiosity and he took out his phone to google the website address she’d mentioned. Even as he scrolled through the picturesque locations of Kasi, filled with throngs of overseas travelers in her company, Prerna began to explain her work as a culture host.

“I happened upon it as an accident. A German couple were having a hard time enjoying their vacation here due to their limited Hindi vocabulary. I stepped in to help them out and then invited them over for a home-cooked meal. They loved the architecture of the house and the hosting experience so much that they asked if they could stay with us here for a few days. During their stay, they nudged me to turn the favor into a service. They paid me a handsome price for the stay. When they went back home to Hamburg, they recommended me to a few friends and the rest is history.”

She turned back to catch him leaning by the far countertop. “We repurposed some of the lands to build four individual guest quarters. I’ll show you in the morning.” He nodded with a smile.

She came towards him for the small bowl of saffron placed next to him. “We have a couple coming in from London for a few days. They want to experience an Indian wedding, enjoy safe street food and also see the sights around Kasi. I have a few vendors that I work with to partner with the locals for such requests and give my guests a personalized but authentic experience of our traditions and culture.”

His chest brimmed with pride that he hadn’t felt for another in a while. “I’m happy for you. Partly you had me worried at times. When the whole world was moving towards computers, you had little to no interest in anything that involved math or logic.”

“Yes, I had no interest in being another internet gyani baba like you,” she said taunting him.

“Well, even if not gyani baba, I’m glad that you at least got on the internet,” he retorted.

She smiled and got back to stirring the saffron infused milk into the larger pan.

“You love your work, don’t you?” He asked after some thought.

She didn’t respond, but her acknowledging smile was answer enough.

He moved in closer. “Have you thought about scaling it beyond word of mouth references? Perhaps, consider partnering with a travel company that’ll put you on the map?”

“Some options have come my way, but I haven’t given it much thought,” she sighed. “I don’t have the business acumen to read the contracts and the terms.”

“How about hiring someone to help with those aspects of the business?” He posed unwilling to give up on the topic.

“I don’t know Anurag. How do I know they have my best interest in mind?” She sounded contemplative. “If you want the truth, I like the personal experiences that I curate for people. I help make memories for these travelers, Anu. I don’t want to commoditize what I have to offer.”

“Hmm,” he drawled with disbelief at her idealism, however, managed to hide it well. “I can help look at the contracts and ensure that it doesn’t conflict with your values.”

Hearing his offer, she dropped the spatula into the pan and the hot milk splashed against her arm. The burning ache sent her stumbling back, only to recoil as she felt her back flush against his chest.

His arms reached out to her sides and steadied her. “Are you ok?” He asked pulling her to the tap. Unleashing a stream of cold water over her arm, he turned in profile to find her oddly stiff in his hold.

“I’m fine, Anurag.” She said softly as she shook out of his clasp.

It took him a whole minute to get back to the instant that had shocked her into burning her arm. “It’s my bad,” he mumbled. “I suppose you aren’t used to hearing me be nice to you.” His voice was small from the guilt that pierced his chest.

“I haven’t been there for you either,” she said and rushed back to use another spatula to remove the one that had fallen into the pan. “When daadi passed away, though I was there, I didn’t check in on you.” She paused and turned around to face him. “I’m sorry Anu that I was a bad friend.” She looked solemn and yet, his own contrition gripped his chest tighter.

“I’m no less.” He shook his head in embarrassment. “I wasn’t there for you when Shekhar da passed away.”

Prerna’s brother, Shekhar, a social activist was killed in a union riot about the same time as his grand mother’s passing. In the wake of that tragedy, her father had decided to move away from the city that holds many memories of his son.

“Come to think of it - ” he paused, as his voice caught on the surge of emotions inside him. “I was not there for you when you would have most needed me.”

She was beginning to clear up the countertop, however, she went still as he broached the subject that she feared would inevitably come up. "I would rather not talk about it,” she said in haste to avoid a conversation on the topic.

"Does it mean you are still mad?” He asked in a tone laced with worry.

"I can never be mad at you Anurag.” She turned around to assure him. "I was mad at myself for the longest time, but after a while, I had nothing left in me to stay mad at anyone.” Leaning back, she closed her eyes, to acknowledge the moment. It had taken her only a decade to give voice to the vacuum she felt in her.

Though her choice of words didn’t show she was disappointed in him, he conceded that he had abandoned her. He didn’t know better then. His juvenile self had assumed that it was best to not fan her affections for him and had believed that distance was the only panacea given their situation. Despite the explanation that presented itself, he didn’t see the need for words.

Shifting, she reached for two tall glasses from the shelf above the stove. She used a ladle to spoon some of the badam milk into one of the glasses. An unspoken tension grew in his chest as he watched her blow at the steam rising from the glass and began pouring the creamy milk from one glass to another to cool it down. He recognized the care in her gesture. She’d not forgotten anything about him, he realized. She knew he didn’t like his milk hot, but tepid.

He was anguished and yet, he was unsure about approaching her. Before he could give thought, he found himself walking towards her. Taking the glasses out of her hands, he placed them on the countertop. She looked up stunned as he towered over her. His eyes gave away the concern that streamed in him. He took her hand and cradled them in his. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

It was another moment before she settled her palm in the comfort of his hold. Speechless, she nodded, not knowing any length of words would give him relief. As a final note to declare she’d offered acceptance to everything in their past, she placed her free hand atop his and smiled at him.

Freeing her hands from his hold, she took one of the glasses and handed it to him. “Now, Mr. Rules Basu, don’t tell me you are on a diet,” she smiled again with a tease in her tone.“I doubt you would let me be on one, Mogambo” he said joining her in the cheer she attempted to restore.

As he took the glass from her to taste, he couldn’t help but watch her tuck back a strand of hair and move around him to clean the stove and platform. They’d been friends long ago but the reality that they hadn’t been friends in a while was indisputable too. They were no longer the people they had known each other. He surely didn’t know her anymore, when he’d come anticipating a harsh confrontation from the girl he’d forsaken. The mix of old familiarity and the newness in the moment made him curious about the women in front of him.

“Let’s leave,” she said taking the empty glass back from him to place it in the sink. She smiled reaching the kitchen door and it stirred something uncharted in him.

Prerna's work sounds really interesting.

Looking forward to the new chapter..