The Old Lady at Church
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
Redneck 911 Call
A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
The Old Man's Physical
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Culture Shock
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "What part did you get?"
Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
Positive Spin
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How to Annoy People
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog".
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.
Annoying Kid On Bus
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
MOM'S AFFAIR
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Hope You guyz Enjoyed!!!!!!!!!!
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