FF:UR My Sunshine: Topic closed

Chapter 35 (27/06/07)

For just a moment the traitorous thought came into his head..........Roshni never cared all that much for lovemaking. Bani seemed to thrive on it just like he did. After they made love, Jai thought it was so full and sweet and solid and he couldn't recall feeling this way with Roshni at all. But he banished that thought quickly. No comparisons. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair.

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"Love is a deep well from which you may drink often, but into which you only fall once.......the rest is merely practice to make sure your heart can take it."

Marrying Bani was the smartest thing Jai had ever done. With Bani moving in, Kabir settled right down - at home as well as the day care centre, quickly gaining back the weight he'd lost while alone with Jai.

The baby's decline had really worried Jai. If Bani had continued to refuse his proposal, Jai probably would have moved in with Masi until Kabir adjusted to his new situation. It would have been extremely inconvenient, but Jai had learned firsthand how fragile babies were; he'd do anything...anything...to keep from losing yet another child.

His daughter had been a part of his life for such a short time. He'd slowly accustomed himself to the thought of having a child, but the first time he'd felt the flutter of her movement in the womb, he'd fallen hard and fast. He'd had his heart torn out once; he couldn't live through that trauma, that pain, that separation again.

Luckily, Bani had changed her mind. And life was good. Really really good. Maybe terrific......awesome, fabulous......I guess everything combined, Jai thought to himself.

Masi was right, Bani was definitely his angel in disguise. Jai had even dedicated a song to Bani......of course she didn't know about it, that was his little secret because he didn't need any complications and unnecessary emotions floating around. He didn't want to raise her hopes, give her any ideas, but for all practical purposes, the song fit just right...............

I don't need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
But of all the blessings life could bring
You've got to be the best thing
Now I've got all I want
When it comes to being with you
You're my only reason
You're my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you......sweetheart.....coz I can feel with you

You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the strength that rescues me
When the cold winds and storms, rage
And it's so amazing
'cause that's just how strong an anchor you are
And I can't turn back now
'cause you've brought me too far

I need you
Oh yes I do
I'm truly blessed at last to be with you.

In the weeks following their wedding, life fell into a pleasant routine. Bani made sure all three ate breakfast together in the mornings. She then dropped Kabir off at the daycare centre and made Jai pick him up in the evenings. She took care of errands and shopping late in the afternoon. Then she went straight home after work, prepared dinner and waited for Jai and Kabir to return. If time permitted, they took Kabir to a nearby park on the weekdays or then just played at home with him, and weekends were strictly kept aside for quality family time.

Bani and Jai took turns to feed Kabir every night, bathe him, put him to bed, read him his story, sing him his favorite song, and he seemed to relish the attention he was getting. In fact he demanded that attention from both of them, as if it was understood; there was no two ways about it. Kabir also no longer laughed at Jai's singing, in fact, he would hum along with him. Kabir's visits to feed the ducks, his beach time as well as other routines were maintained, except on nights when Jai had meetings scheduled or other work related commitments.

No matter how much Jai cribbed and tried to get out of not getting too involved with Kabir, Bani refused to take no for an answer....she was on a mission and Jai tried his best to sabotage it, but unfortunately Bani knew him too well for his own good.

Masi or Karuna would baby sit on Saturday nights so that Jai and Bani could spend time together........they went dancing, to the movies, or then just dinner with friends or by themselves and every night without fail he took her to a sensuous paradise in his arms. Sundays were kept aside for Masi, the whole family met at the ancestral home for dinner and fun.

Ranveer and Sheen as well as Veer and Sam had tied the knot too, and everyone was happily married and leading a life of their own. Life couldn't have taken a turn for the better.

************************************

Tonight, Jai had a parent, teacher, student association meeting set for six o'clock. He could have run home for a quick bite to eat with Bani and Kabir, but he preferred to stay and work instead. He had plenty to do, and it could be done any other time too, but Jai found it easier to get home late than to tear himself away from Bani and Kabir. He just couldn't get away from them once he was home........he didn't want to, it didn't feel right any longer.

As he sat back in his chair and recalled how his life had changed ever since marrying Bani, he smiled........pleased with Bani, pleased that he had decided to give himself another chance to start living again. He enjoyed the attention he got from her, how she took every little need of his and Kabir's into account and put it before hers, how she could tell what he was thinking about, what he was feeling. She knew him more than he knew himself. His taste in books, in music, in food, in clothes, in movies, how he liked his coffee........she had it all under control, when and how, Jai never even realized. Small small gestures made him happy.

He liked it when Bani waited to eat with him, on the days that he had to work late. Come to think of it, Jai liked lots of things about her, that she made him laugh, that she made him think, that she loved his family as her own, that she helped him out at work, that she made him a better man, he could feel the difference. He looked forward to going home every evening, didn't look for excuses to sit back late and work. Jai liked how every evening when he returned with Kabir, the atmosphere at home was so warm and jovial, they just couldn't wait to enjoy it........there was always his favorite music playing in the background, the aroma of good food being cooked doing the rounds, Bani smiling and greeting both of them....that smile of hers eased all his pressures away. And just so that they both don't start fighting over her again, she made sure she hugged them at the same time. Best of all Jai liked that bitter memories and past hurts seemed to matter less when he was with her. He didn't dwell on them so much, like he did otherwise. In fact, of late, the happiest moments of his life have been the few which he has been passing at home in the bosom of his small family.

The schedule they'd worked out over a period of time allowed Jai an hour or so of quality time alone with his son most evenings. Jai usually went through the mail while Kabir played in his playpen and occasionally they would exchange a few words here and there. But at times, Bani supervised them, and then it was a totally different ball game. She made Jai sit on the carpet and play with Kabir.....they both were forced to sit face to face, interact with one another, share the toys, build blocks, Lego sets, trains models, race cars, scribble and paint, play musical instruments, throw and catch the ball, even read books and watch videos but TOGETHER. If not......if they dared misbehave, they knew what the consequences were going to be....

1) Bani refused to speak to either of them, till they apologized and got along. Bani and not talking was terrible, the silence was unbearable, and Jai and Kabir hated that.

2) If they were really bad, Bani would threaten to go spend the night at Masi's, and once she had even done it but not before making sure that Jai and Kabir slept together on the same bed and in the same room. She was never given another opportunity again.

3) If Jai was being too pig headed, he had to spend the night on the couch or in the guest room, and the next day, instead of one hour, he had to spend two hours with Kabir.

At times, Jai told Bani she was wasting her time being a nurse. She should have been a principal or teacher or jailor, because she was always punishing and dictating. He even called her 'Hitler' when she really got to him. But Bani just smiled, that naughty little grin of hers, and well, Jai knew, nothing was going to affect her and that meant he had no choice but to comply.

Jai knew he should make better use of the time he spent with Kabir, but his gut clenched whenever he thought about getting closer to him or when he realized he was too involved with the kid.

He'd do anything for Kabir, anything, but open up his heart to him, try to love him. Anything but trust his heart to this vulnerable, dependent, fragile little being who at times could be a 'mini-me' version of Jai when he did not get his own way. Jai tried, really kept trying. He knew his fear wasn't rational, knew he was living in denial, but for once, self-preservation exceeded his monumental control.

Bani was there to fill the gaps in his and Kabir's lives, that is why he married her...finally the 'be practical' approach turned out to be positive, there was absolutely no need for unnecessary emotions to be involved, that only complicated matters.

Which was probably why his son still called him "man" and of late "hansom" like his Mama did. No matter how much Bani corrected him, Kabir refused to say "Daddy" just like Jai refused to say anything else besides "kiddo and brat."

But all said and done, Bani's hard hitting attitude had finally helped bridge the gap between Jai and Kabir. and he was silently thankful for that........she had fought tooth and nail, refused to give up, even though Kabir and he had put up so much resistance, but tough luck, Bani was Bani, even two Walia men combined together couldn't break her when she set her mind to do something.

Jai sighed and became serious as he recalled that period of initial adjustment........those trying times, where he was determined to keep his distance from Kabir and he did it, because he realized he was getting close to committing the same mistake all over again......he was falling for his son, he was letting Kabir affect him and that was not part of the deal. But Bani was not about to let him get away with it.

Flashbacks........

One evening, after seeing how Jai was trying to stay aloof from Kabir, Bani decided to let him have it.

"Jai, I have been watching how you react to Kabir, always trying to keep him at a distance, but if you try, I am sure that will fade quickly, if you just let it......" said Bani.

"No." Jai was shaking his head emphatically. Bani turned away in frustration, avoiding Jai's eyes. "No, it's impossible, Bani. I just can't do it."

Bani took a deep breath. "Jai, I really think you should try and get over your past."

"Get over it?" Jai stared at Bani. "How do you get over having your life torn apart? How do you get over losing a child?"

Bani turned to face him. "But Jai, this is another child. A child who needs us. Wouldn't redeeming the life of another child make up at least in part for what was lost?"

Jai's face was cold and his jaw looked like granite. "No."

"I know it was awful. It's still awful." Bani was pleading now. "But life goes on and you can't take it out on a baby..........he is yours too Jai, your own flesh and blood. Everyone in life is going to hurt you at some point of time, you just have to realize which people are worth the pain. I did……..that is why I agreed to get married to you."

Jai frowned as though he couldn't believe Bani could be saying these things. "I am not taking anything out on a baby. I'm just telling you what I can't do. I don't believe in love.........I am providing for him, doing everything else, just don't expect me to be all lovey dovey towards him, that's all" Jai sighed impatiently. He stared at her. There was no give in his face, no sign that he might relent. Bani's heart was breaking.

She decided to take the bull by its horns....meeting Jai's gaze with her chin high, Bani spoke "I hate to put it this way, Jai, but my responsibility to Kabir goes back further than my commitment to you. I won't let you treat him this way. You can shove your damn money, you know where. I have been providing for him all this while also and I can continue to do it for as long as I live and, just in case you haven't realized, now I can easily get Kabir's custody too."

Jai stared at her, hardly able to believe this was the same loving woman he'd become so accustomed to these last few weeks. Where had this steely determination come from? Her emotions were starting to show. Her voice was rising.

"If this mean it's over between you and me, Jai Walia, that's the way it will have to be, because there is no way in hell, I can just stand by and watch you ignore this child and all because of your damn past" snapped Bani.

Looking at her, Jai saw the tragedy in her eyes and he realized what Bani was asking. Could he give her up? Why not? He could find another woman, couldn't he? It couldn't be that hard.

And suddenly, it struck Jai like a knife in the chest. He couldn't do it. He was so attached to Bani now, he couldn't imagine life without her. He had to have her nearby. His breath was coming faster than normal and he realized that the threat of Bani leaving scared the living daylights out of him. He couldn't lose her. He would do just about anything to keep her. But could he do this?

Blinking rapidly, Jai tried to shift gears, tried to rethink things. Kabir was a sweet little boy. It wasn't his fault that he affected him the way he did. Maybe.....But no. Just thinking about it made him start to sweat. He couldn't do it.

But in the meantime he had to deal with this new situation. He would have to. He couldn't let Bani go. That was not an option. But the words were difficult to speak.

"Okay, if you insist, I could give it a try, I suppose" Jai said, his voice rough as sandpaper. Looking at the hopeful light in Bani's eyes, he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her tightly to him. "We'll see how it goes. It's not something that can happen overnight, so you need to give me some space out here."

He could see the relief in Bani's face and it warmed him.

"I'll give you all the space you want, provided you make an honest effort. Soooooo, you want me to stay?" she said, with a slight smile playing on her lips.

Jai grimaced seeing that victorious smile on her face. "Of course I want you to stay," he said roughly, trying to control the emotion in his voice. "If you think I am going to let you take custody of my kid away from me, you are mistaken."

Bani sighed and let herself begin to relax. "Whatever you say hubby, I know you are a fair man with a big heart" she teased him.

"Don't push it lady" Jai growled and walked away.

It was only after that, that an almost comfortable routine grew up around their busy days.

Still, the situation wasn't ideal and Bani wished Jai would make more of an effort to get to know his own son better. But she wasn't in the position to be too choosy right now, something was better than nothing, so she let it go for the present and decided to take each day as it comes.

********************************

One day, Jai was home earlier than usual........his meeting had got cancelled, so he was early enough to witness Kabir having his dinner and that too by himself. The little boy was in his high chair with the food in front of him and Bani had turned to the sink to wash off a toy when Jai walked into the room.

"Look at this mess!" Jai yelled.

Bani whirled to see what was going on. "What are you shouting about?"

"There's food all over the white rug, Bani." Jai pointed down. "Look, it's ruined."

Bani looked at the fancy and probably very expensive carpet and then she looked at Kabir. Kabir was grinning happily. As Bani watched, he picked up a handful of mashed potatoes and threw it at Jai. The little splat landed on the side of Jai's nose. Kabir gurgled happily. Bani could almost hear him saying, "Touchdown!"

Jai turned towards Bani with a see-what-the brat-did look on his face.

And Bani responded cheerfully......taking a swipe at the potatoes that were sticking to his cheek, Bani put it in her mouth "They are yummy Jai, you should try some."

"What the hell, Bani. You find this funny. He ruined the carpet and now my face?" Jai screamed.

"Okay. That does it. We're getting ride of the white rug.......but not that face" Bani replied.

Jai looked confused as he wiped mashed potatoes from his face. "What?"

Bani shrugged. "The white rug has to go. Do you think Kabir is the only baby who throws food all over the rug? White rugs are not compatible with happy babies."

"But....." Jai started to protest.

"Just wait till he starts walking, then he is going to tear the place apart" said Bani.

Jai looked a bit nonplussed.

"We're going to have to baby-proof all the rooms," Bani said.

"Baby-proof my house?" Jai growled.

"Weren't you going to do that for.........?" Bani started to say, but when she realized her folly she stopped midway. She'd almost said his baby girl. That was against the unspoken rules. She saw something flicker in Jai's eyes.

But at the same time she was having second thoughts. This was all wrong. They couldn't dance around this issue for the rest of their lives. The baby was a real person and deserved to be spoken about like a real person. The way Jai was treating her, she didn't feel real any more.

"I'm sure you had planned to do a lot of child-proofing once your baby was born" Bani said deliberately.

Jai looked up at her, startled. It was probably the first time he'd ever heard his baby's name out of Bani's mouth. He stared at her for a long moment, then, without saying a word, he turned and left the room.

Well, it looked like that had been a big mistake. But what else could Bani do? And something had to be done. Maybe she'd lost this round. But every time he was forced to talk about his first family, she felt it moved him more toward accepting the past. And maybe she was just kidding herself, but she felt she was making progress. At least she hoped so.

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Bani was clearing away the dishes from dinner a few nights later. Jai helped her, then dropped down onto the couch to read the paper. Out of the corner of her eye, Bani could see Kabir, who was supposed to be playing on the play mat, wending his way towards Jai, hugging the shadows of the dimly lit room as though he knew he wasn't really welcome.

Bani turned to get rid of the glasses she was putting away before she could intercept Kabir. But the little guy was too fast for her, and by the time she'd turned back, Kabir was already at Jai's knee, tugging on his slacks with one sticky hand and holding out a half-eaten lollipop with the other.

"Man!" Kabir said.

The look on Jai's face would have been comical if the whole situation wasn't so sad.

"Take it," Bani urged softly. "Jai, take it!"

Very reluctantly, Jai did, grasping the sloppy-looking candy between his thumb and forefinger. "Bani, what the hell am I supposed to do with this?" he growled.

Bani swept the baby up in her arms and squeezed him tightly. "Daddy says 'thank you', Kabir. He loves that lollipop." Giving him a loud, wet smack on the cheek, Bani hurried Kabir back to his play mat.

When she got back, Jai was washing his hands in the sink.

"You do realize he was offering you his most prized possession," Bani noted dryly. "I guess I'm going to have to teach Kabir that you can't buy love.....especially Daddy's, because Daddy doesn't believe in loving."

"Baniiiiii" sighed Jai.

"Don't Bani me..........I say it as I see it" she replied.

She saw the tortured look in Jai's eyes and regretted her words. "I'm sorry. But he's just a child and he wants you to like him. I'm old enough to accept that you don't do love and emotions, but Kabir doesn't understand all this."

"I like him," Jai said, though his tone was forced. "It's not his fault that he reminds me so much of......."

"Your baby girl," Bani said. She was making a point of talking about her now. "I know. And I know you are trying to get close to him. You're really making an effort."

"But you want me to love him" Jai said. "And Bani, that's just not going to happen."

Maybe not. Maybe it was hopeless. And maybe there would come a time when Bani had to decide who needed her more, Kabir or Jai. She only hoped it never came to that, because she wasn't sure which way she would go.

*****************************************

Something woke Jai up two mornings later........a movement on the bed beside him. It was the weekend, and he could sleep a little longer than usual, plus he had a tiff with Bani the previous night, again over Kabir, and in anger he had slept in the guest room, but was restless the whole night. It was only towards early morning, that he managed to get some sleep.

His heart leaped. Had Bani come back to him on her own? Jai turned and met a pair of dark, laughing eyes, and then a little chubby fist hit him in the cheek and Kabir giggled.

"Man.......et up....no leeping, pay pay (play)" Kabir said.

Jai jerked back.

"Bani!" he called.

Kabir began to bounce on the bed, laughing uproariously.

Jai turned back to look at him, frowning fiercely. But as he watched, his frown faded. Kabir did look dashing. If only Jai could look at Kabir once and not see his baby's reproachful face.

"There you are, you rascal," Bani said, coming in and standing at the edge of the bed. "Are you torturing your Daddy again?"

Kabir giggled and bounced out of reach.

"I'll get him out of here, you go back to sleep," Bani said, reaching for the moving target.

But Jai was smiling at Bani. "Why don't you come join us instead?" he suggested as he pulled her down on top of him.

"Jai!" Bani laughed as she slid over to his side. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to make up with my wife," Jai murmured, looking sensual.

"Oh my," Bani said. "I didn't realize it was open house today."

"I wish I could wake up this way every morning," Jai said, touching Bani's cheek with his forefinger.

He barely got the words out when Kabir dove between them, chattering happily as though he thought he should be part of the conversation.

Jai's head jerked back in surprise and Bani pushed up on her elbow, preparing to make Kabir move.

But Jai had calmed himself. "Let him stay," he said. "It's okay."

Bani had to work hard to keep from choking aloud. A happy bubble was rising in her chest.

"He's just being a little dickens this morning," Bani said lovingly. "I had to spend half the day yesterday racing around stuffing things back into drawers after Kabir emptied them out."

"So he's already getting into the drawers," Jai said. He remembered his baby, she would have been at this stage too, if she was alive. As he thought of it and pictured her, Jai steeled himself and waited for the pain to come. But there was nothing. After a moment, Jai began to wonder why.

They cuddled in the bed for another ten minutes and then it was time to get up. But the warm feeling stayed with Jai for the rest of the day.

Bani was sure they were making progress, but one big hurdle still remained. Jai was racked with guilt, he had to stop blaming himself, thinking he was responsible for what happened to his baby. It was high time he moved on, maybe she should tell him openly. But did she have the nerve to bring it up?

One night about a week later, Jai was packing for another work related trip. It seemed like a good time. Bani waited for him to come out of his room, and she told him she wanted to talk about something. He sat down with her on the couch and she launched into it.

Jai listened to her version of the theory about his feeling guilty because he felt he didn't do enough, but he didn't say a word. Instead he got up and poured himself a drink and went to sit on the balcony away from Bani.

Bani was pretty sure he was furious with her. And why not? Did she really have a right to push him on this?

But an hour later, when Jai came in, he pulled Bani into his arms and buried his face in her hair.

His voice broke as Jai spoke his heart out to Bani once again, but this time he left out nothing, and it was a moment before he could lift his face and look at her.

"Oh Jai, I am so sorry, about everything that happened with you and the baby, you know that don't you" cried Bani.

Jai pulled away and just shook his head.

"But it wasn't your fault, Jai. How could you......?"

"Don't patronize me Bani," Jai said harshly. "Of course it was my fault. If I'd been a proper father and showed more responsibility towards my wife, that would never have happened. Of course it was my fault. And I'll pay the price for the rest of my life."

Bani refused to be cowed by his anger at himself. Following Jai into the room, she shut the door and made him face her. "You listen to me, Jai Walia, and you listen well, because I will not repeat myself," Bani said sternly. "You are a wonderful, caring man. You may have been a little careless in the past, but you're older now, more mature. You won't repeat your so called mistakes and you won't let family needs slide ever again."

"How do you know? What makes you so sure?" snapped Jai.

"I know you, Jai. I've seen you in action. I've seen what you are capable of, how you live for your family, your caring nature, your tender ways, I've seen it all. You may be a man of few words, but your eyes and your actions speak to me, they tell me what I need to know.

And most of all..........." Bani walked into his arms and wrapping her arms around his neck she declared "I know, because I love you god dammit.......I love you."