Push & Pull!
Occasionally I think you'll never understand me and sometimes I'll never understand myself too...But when I speak of my hamesha, I want you to know I will love you forever...Hence, you need to know that there will be times when I push you away, and that's when I need you to pull yourself closer...when I tell you to leave me alone, what I really mean is, I need you to love me...when I tell you I hate you, it's because my frustration with myself, makes me feel you just don't understand me...This is when I need you to show me that you love me the most of all days...
~Nadnini
She's become a riddle for him today. She, who untied the knotted dilemmas of his life once, seems to be sailing two boats now. Muddled, confused, lost, but most of all...fearful. And it's driving him beyond crazy. What is her problem? With him? With his presence? With his love? With his care? With his concern? But that's exactly the problem.
"Toh Manik Malhotra, I'm not feeling better...I'm feeling worse. Ek toh...I'm battling with my own feelings, upar se I'm feeling guilty...I'm feeling guilty about breaking you're...you're guitar, about hurting you. Manik tum samaj kyun nahi rahe ho, why aren't you understanding, just leave me alone. Mujhe akela chod do...please!"
He pushes aside his own apprehensions when he pulls her close to himself. He disregards all worries when he discovers her troubles. He denies to be suffering when he witnesses her distressed frowns. She fears not only the Veena, she fears the pain-filled hiss he'll try to hide when he'll see her recoil in her dark memories. She not only fears music, she fears he may push away his music too whilst breathing the hopeful wait he has promised her. She not only fears darkness, she fears that her weak soul may not be able to fulfil her promise of always protecting him of his fear of the dark shadows. She not only fears losing herself completely, she fears he will let go of himself somewhere amidst this journey whilst searching for her.
"Ooft...he keeps confusing me. I wanted to stay away par...jab woh paas hota hai toh it feels good. Kya karu main?"
Her fight isn't with him. Her battle is with herself. Her anger isn't for him. Her frustration is upon herself. She's loved him for herself all this time, but this time she wishes to love him for him and only him...And so she fights to push him away and to pull herself away. She's afraid to open up her heart. She fears the idea of loving him. She fears her love won't be enough to heal his wounds anymore because she herself is so unsure of how to revive from the soreness she's still experiencing. She fears her love may fall short of being able to deservedly express to him of how undoubtedly priceless he is to her. She fears that her fear towards emotions, may have weakened her ability to love him with the same intensity, the initial passion she once used to love him with. She fears this change...these incapabilities...this weak persona, may become the reason he stops loving her one day.
She wants to re-discover herself...not for herself...but for him. She wants to re-gain her confidence, not for herself...but for him. She wants to re-establish that courage to fight this world...not for herself...but for him. She wants to be able to protect him like she once could. She wants to be able to fight for him like she once could. She wants to be able to smile for him like she once could. She wants to be able to sing for him, sing with him like she once could. She wants to be able to love him like she once could...
But without hurting him...without breaking him...without pulling him under dark, horrendous clouds, hovering her brightness.
For her family to accept him wholeheartedly, nothing could ever bring her more joy. It was her wish after all...she is in need of her grandmother's approval after all. And this need has not diminished today. The wish hasn't vanished. She scolds him, she rebukes him. She may be acting stubborn to push him away, yet she doesn't wish her Amms to pull them apart .
But wait...a scene quite unexpected seems to be unfolding here. She was already struggling to keep their souls apart. She's literally been cursing herself every time she lets his love overpower her senses. She realises his words to be coming true..."You need me as much as I need you". But she knows she can't be so selfish to let him sacrifice his peace of mind to assist reuniter her with hers. She knows she can't be so selfish to let him tread on a grave of thorns when he only deserves a bed of roses. And yet here he is...sealing deals with her grandmother as if he's never feared her anger. Here he is...following every line of command spoken by Amms as if she is his grandmother and not hers. How? What? Where?
"Tumhare aur Amms ke beech mein kya chal raha hai?"
He's pulling up his socks to be included in the good books of his new mentor. He's pulling up all the courage to face those rage-filled eyes that have been endlessly shooting questions towards him since he's arrived. Why? Because... "Aap usse heal kar sakte ho. Is liye main aaya hoon aapke paas...help ke liye. It'll be great if we can support each other." He's ready to push away all fears, al his guilt, all his self-blame once again because he needs to pull together the one who constantly heals him first.
I swear on our Hamesha to never give up on you no matter what. My love for you is pure and serene. Your love has taught me how to love you the way I do today. Our love is true and I am confident that no one can ever love you as much as I do...no one can give you that place in their life which you occupy in mine. You stole my heart and captured my soul...any distance from you is beyond unimaginable...yet..I will still wait for you...for eternity...for hamesha. They say the ones who love you will never leave you because even if there are a hundred reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on. And so my love promises to never tread a step away from you...even when you push me away, I'll pull myself along with you...because I don't need any other reason to keep holding onto us, when my first and last reason to never give up...will always be you...
~Manik
"Tum hi kehti ho na hamesha...never to give up...phir ab kya hogaya?"
She fought with his darkness, then how can he escape her battles today. She taught him how to live, then how can he not pick her up and teach her how to walk today. She pulled him with all her love, every painful time when he pushed her away...then how can he not pull her closer to him even when she urges, persists, begs, demands to push him away.
"Pyaar mein dard hona bahut zaroori hota hai. Pyaar mein dard hota hai...aur rahe ga. Matlab pyaar aur dard toh saath saath chalte hain jaise..." Jaise? It's like Nandini had quoted herself once..."If it doesn't hurt, it's not love."
Today the pain of his previous wounds is incomparable to the pain of having to walk away from her in a discrete direction. Today the pain of having a lonely childhood is matchless to fearing the thought of living a few days away from her, alone. Today the pain of living a whole lifeless, loveless 19 years is nowhere as intense as having to live even a few moments without her presence, her touch, her love. But for her...he's ready to push aside every pang of pain, every inch of crave, every tinge of need...because his love has promised her the wait of a lifetime.
She seems to have forgotten her own words a little. Her heart and mind seem to be walking on an unknown road for now. But the emotions she's awoken in his heart, promise to light up this dark road so she can finally en-route home. The smile she's carved on his face, promises to shine even when he himself may be suffering, just so she can reconcile with her smile. The love she's made him realise of, promises to disallow her to lose belief in life and love. The colours she painted his life with, promise to engulf all shades of darkness clouding her vision. But there's no rush...because his love promises to wait.
"Why did you pull me??"
"Why did you push me??"
For now he's ready to fight with her if the need be. For now he's ready to argue constantly through the day and thoroughly amongst the night. Because he had promised her "you'll never lose me". For now, he's ready to pull her to himself an inch closer every time she attempts to push him even a pin-width apart. For now he's ready to taunt her of her weak attempts to stay away from him, every time she finds herself drawn deeper into the depth of is love. For now he's ready to ignore every "go away" because she's faulting to speak from the mind rather than the heart. For now he's ready to pull himself when she pushes herself away, and pull her when she pushes him away because her needs will eventually peak to an unknown height, her emotions will soon hold a fresh intensity, her smile will slowly spread a genuine width and her love will soon discover a new meaning...a new depth. And that will be the day to push away all silences and voice up unsaid confessions. That will be the day to push away old memories and create new memories.
That will be the day for her to push away the distances and pull him closer. That will be the day for her to push away her inner-turmoil and pull herself closer...because with every passing moment he's promising her...
No matter how hard you try to push me away...you'll always find me mingling in you breath. No matter how hard you try to push me away...you'll always find me beating in your heart. No matter how hard you try to push me away...you'll always find me sparkling in your eyes. No matter how hard you try to push me away...you'll always find me dancing in your smile. No matter how hard you try to push me away...I'll never stop loving you...
Because every time you'll try pushing me away...I'll pull you back into me and steal you away from yourself...to merge you in myself so that whenever you'll try pulling apart...you won't know which part belongs to you and which part is mine...
~Manik
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Please excuse my lack of coherency with this post. It's needless to say I've missed you all 🤗...I've certainly missed writing about my babies but more than that, I've missed reading the beautiful words you all leave me with. But MTV...oh lord...I wonder what they're gaining by pulling our happiness away from their lack of organisation with uploading the episodes. It's driven me crazy over the week and with exam stress, I just couldn't stay up all night waiting for them to upload so I was unable to post anything up.
This piece...well yeh it's quite messed up because I'm not too sure which day it matches with the most since I used quotes from throughout the week so my apologies but I'm hoping that next week things get back to routine and I can go back to my daily rants.
A few side notes: villains experienced their share of pulls and pushes too...our Cabira pulled him out of the nets, and our Manik attempted to push him back where he deserves to be...hell!
The way Cabira pulls the bowl of food today...oh that boy be my daily dose of stomach-aching laughter! And when he pulled his love in his arms... my heart went through all sorts of warm emotions as I finally see him smiling a genuine, healed smile in the near future. He's always pushed all his worries, all his sorrow apart to spread the selfless love amongst his friends and be the reason they positively face every obstacle, it's his turn now to push away that frown and pull up a hearty smile and celebrate love and happiness now!
Aryaman - comments reserved!
Aaand Navya Naveli - she seems to have arrived home! It can't get any better for her than this! 😆
Ohh and yes ofc... Amms and Manik's team is driving Nandini mad and I'm loving the curiosity and shock she's having to live with. It's too early to say what exactly they have planned in order to heal nandini 'together' but I'm sure that Nandini will open up to them soon...quite soon!
Hindi TV Shows
Anupamaa
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