Posted:
my first posting of jokes in here so please bear with me
Bollywood love letter
When I am: Kareeb
There is only: Khamoshi
I want to speak: Dil Se
That's my kind of: Ishq
I want this to be: Gupt
As I always have: Darr
That I will loose you: Sajani
And that would be great: Sadma
I am your: Mr.Aashique
But sometimes bit: Deewana
Tell me: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun
As I feel : Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
In this : Duniya Dilwalon Ki
I told you: Maine Pyar Kiya
May be : Dil To Pagal Hai
Because: Jab Pyar Kisise Hota Hai
The whole world appears as: Dushman
But anyway: Pyar To Hona Hi Tha
Bill Gates and Madhuri Dixit
If Bill Gates marries Madhuri Dixit; these could be the caption in newspapers:
Bill goes Dhak-Dhak!
English Babu Desi Mem.
Brain marries Beauty!?
Windows ke peechhe kya hai? Windows ke peechhe....!? Ooo Windows mein Bill hai mera...
The next version of Windows will be "Windows MD."
Microsoft Mouse V/S Madhuri - the cat.
Bill to count his millions & billions in EK, DO, TEEN..
Mera bill bhee kitna pagal hai...
Bill Will, Gates Wates... Main kya jaanu re... !
Bill goes Dhak-Dhak!
English Babu Desi Mem.
Brain marries Beauty!?
Windows ke peechhe kya hai? Windows ke peechhe....!? Ooo Windows mein Bill hai mera...
The next version of Windows will be "Windows MD."
Microsoft Mouse V/S Madhuri - the cat.
Bill to count his millions & billions in EK, DO, TEEN..
Mera bill bhee kitna pagal hai...
Bill Will, Gates Wates... Main kya jaanu re... !
Bollywood Movie Rules
You will find the following in most of the the Indian movies:
Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b ) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.
The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend ( i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss b ) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b ) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by a) the brothers b ) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) c) the family dog/cat.
Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories: a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain before the titles. b ) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero. c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.
Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b ) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.
The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend ( i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss b ) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b ) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by a) the brothers b ) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) c) the family dog/cat.
Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories: a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain before the titles. b ) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero. c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.
The Bollywood bug
Clinton arrives in Mumbai and is impressed by Bollywood. He wants to be in Hindi movies and he starts dreaming...
Bill was in the Oval office and he started singing "Yeh Bill Na hota bechara, kadam na hote awara.."
At that moment, Lewinsky, who was passing by, heard it and responded "Bill, Dhak dhak karne laga, mora jiyorra darne laga", And Bill, brimming with thrill, rushed and opened the door and realized he is the President of the USA. So he paused and looked at her like Ajay Devgan from "Pyar To Hona Hi Tha".. But Monica could hear Kumar Sanu's song, and said, "Dil-Bill, Pyar Wyar, Main kya janoo re"
He gazed into her eyes like Bobby Deol in Kareeb and sang "Chori Chori jab nazzare mili, chori chori jab Bill ne
kaha, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"
Then he pulled her into his office and thought of Aamir Khan in Ghulam -"Aankhon se tune ye kya keh diya, Bill ye
diwana machalne laga.." Monica picked up the cue and replied like Rani Mukherjee - "yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hota na tha..."
Bill then closed the door with a mischievious smile and sang "Hum tum ek kamre mein band hon aur chaabi kho
jaaye..." The rest is history. The poor security guards outside could only hear the full throated song from Dil Se,
"Bill se, Bill se Bill se, Bill to aakhir bill hain na..."
Monica met her best friend Linda Tripp and confessed about her affair - "Mera Bill bhi kitna pagal hai, pyar jo mujhse karta hai.." Tripp recorded Monica's confessions and went to legal eagle Kenneth Starr with her cassette and screamed "Le gayee Bill, Lewinsky..paagal mujhe kar diya". Starr called Clinton and asked "Yeh kya hua, kaise hua kab hua..." But Bill cleverly interrupted and said "Oh chhodo, ye na poocho.." But Starr persisted and sang "Jhoot bole kowaa kaate.."
Now Bill was very angry with Monica and called her up.
Bill: Aye, kya bolti tu?
Monica: Aye, Kya main boloon..?
Bill: Sun Monica: Suna
Bill: Kyon kiya ghotala?
Bill was in the Oval office and he started singing "Yeh Bill Na hota bechara, kadam na hote awara.."
At that moment, Lewinsky, who was passing by, heard it and responded "Bill, Dhak dhak karne laga, mora jiyorra darne laga", And Bill, brimming with thrill, rushed and opened the door and realized he is the President of the USA. So he paused and looked at her like Ajay Devgan from "Pyar To Hona Hi Tha".. But Monica could hear Kumar Sanu's song, and said, "Dil-Bill, Pyar Wyar, Main kya janoo re"
He gazed into her eyes like Bobby Deol in Kareeb and sang "Chori Chori jab nazzare mili, chori chori jab Bill ne
kaha, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"
Then he pulled her into his office and thought of Aamir Khan in Ghulam -"Aankhon se tune ye kya keh diya, Bill ye
diwana machalne laga.." Monica picked up the cue and replied like Rani Mukherjee - "yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hota na tha..."
Bill then closed the door with a mischievious smile and sang "Hum tum ek kamre mein band hon aur chaabi kho
jaaye..." The rest is history. The poor security guards outside could only hear the full throated song from Dil Se,
"Bill se, Bill se Bill se, Bill to aakhir bill hain na..."
Monica met her best friend Linda Tripp and confessed about her affair - "Mera Bill bhi kitna pagal hai, pyar jo mujhse karta hai.." Tripp recorded Monica's confessions and went to legal eagle Kenneth Starr with her cassette and screamed "Le gayee Bill, Lewinsky..paagal mujhe kar diya". Starr called Clinton and asked "Yeh kya hua, kaise hua kab hua..." But Bill cleverly interrupted and said "Oh chhodo, ye na poocho.." But Starr persisted and sang "Jhoot bole kowaa kaate.."
Now Bill was very angry with Monica and called her up.
Bill: Aye, kya bolti tu?
Monica: Aye, Kya main boloon..?
Bill: Sun Monica: Suna
Bill: Kyon kiya ghotala?
Hi just wanted to say these are not my jokes i just saw them found them funny so thought i would post them for you guys to read. I didnt want anyone to think i made them up or something like that😳
