Various

Mother's choice

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The mother replies, "I don't like her."

* * *

Parrot And Bulldog

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman.
Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him,"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you the payment. Oh, by the way, don't worry about the bulldog - Spike, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest bulldog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go
about his business. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid
ugly @#*&^%! bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

* * *

Silver 38 Special

The old Italian Mafia Godfather is dying. He called his grandson to his bedside and says, "Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my silver 38 special revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.

Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda your wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, TIME'S UP?"

* * *

The Compliment

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."