Posted:
Dear Ms. Sandhya. A,
As your officially appointed literary supervisor, I am pleased to be able to commend you whole-heartedly on your latest poetical exercise.
There are two principal aspects that count in lyric poetry, as you know, the rhyme and the metre, and the content. In both the aspects, you have here scored high marks. Of the two, the content, which is uniformly impeccable and often intensely moving, is especially praiseworthy, and will fetch you an exceptionally high score of 95%. The metre, however, needs more attention at several places, as does the wording that will ensure a near perfect metre.
Now let us take up the poem stanza by stanza.
The first three gallop along without the least let up. Some commas needed to be added, and I have done this. Seems should be seem for grammatical accuracy. In stanza three, doleful is rather a mild word for what you are obviously seeking to convey. I would suggest replacing it by dreadful, which is strong enough and does not alter the metre.
In stanza 4, slight changes have been made: None from whom to seek solace, which was necessary to preserve the meaning, and That peace would resurface, for the same reason. Again, one cannot be enveloped by emptiness, for emptiness necessary cannot contain anything, and that would include your subject. It has thus been replaced by darkness.
Stanzas 5, 6 and 7 are very good, and only need to have From replaced By before the pain of solitude, and irregular capitalisations removed from stanza 7.
The change in line 2 of stanza 8 makes it more forceful. A few commas have been added. A word has been added to the third line of stanza 9, to make it Forever if only I could, so as to lengthen it and improve the metre. A comma has been removed from the first line, and two have been added in lines 1 & 2.
In stanza 10, ache has been replaced by deep heartache to improve the metre, and the last two lines have been slightly altered with the same purpose in mind. Similar small changes have been made in the last two stanzas.
In conclusion, the need for making these various minor changes does not take anything away from the overall merit of this poem, which is considerable. You should be congratulated on attempting an obviously difficult subject for rendering in the poetic format, and then carrying it off with substantial success.
With some more attention paid to perfecting the metre, your future work in this field will surely be even more successful.
Sincerely yours,
Shyamala B.Cowsik
Darkness, darkness everywhere,
As your officially appointed literary supervisor, I am pleased to be able to commend you whole-heartedly on your latest poetical exercise.
There are two principal aspects that count in lyric poetry, as you know, the rhyme and the metre, and the content. In both the aspects, you have here scored high marks. Of the two, the content, which is uniformly impeccable and often intensely moving, is especially praiseworthy, and will fetch you an exceptionally high score of 95%. The metre, however, needs more attention at several places, as does the wording that will ensure a near perfect metre.
Now let us take up the poem stanza by stanza.
The first three gallop along without the least let up. Some commas needed to be added, and I have done this. Seems should be seem for grammatical accuracy. In stanza three, doleful is rather a mild word for what you are obviously seeking to convey. I would suggest replacing it by dreadful, which is strong enough and does not alter the metre.
In stanza 4, slight changes have been made: None from whom to seek solace, which was necessary to preserve the meaning, and That peace would resurface, for the same reason. Again, one cannot be enveloped by emptiness, for emptiness necessary cannot contain anything, and that would include your subject. It has thus been replaced by darkness.
Stanzas 5, 6 and 7 are very good, and only need to have From replaced By before the pain of solitude, and irregular capitalisations removed from stanza 7.
The change in line 2 of stanza 8 makes it more forceful. A few commas have been added. A word has been added to the third line of stanza 9, to make it Forever if only I could, so as to lengthen it and improve the metre. A comma has been removed from the first line, and two have been added in lines 1 & 2.
In stanza 10, ache has been replaced by deep heartache to improve the metre, and the last two lines have been slightly altered with the same purpose in mind. Similar small changes have been made in the last two stanzas.
In conclusion, the need for making these various minor changes does not take anything away from the overall merit of this poem, which is considerable. You should be congratulated on attempting an obviously difficult subject for rendering in the poetic format, and then carrying it off with substantial success.
With some more attention paid to perfecting the metre, your future work in this field will surely be even more successful.
Sincerely yours,
Shyamala B.Cowsik
REVISED VERSION OF MS. SANDHYA. A's POEM
Darkness, darkness everywhere,
No hint of any light,
Heart full of agony and despair,
With no respite in sight
Those days of cheer and carefree joys
Seem so long ago
A moment's lightning just destroys
One's world in a single blow!
My life changed on that fateful night
By the storm that struck my home
And left me in a dreadful plight
Tired. Afraid. Alone.
With none to share my laughter and pain
None from whom to seek solace
I'm enveloped in darkness and hopes vain
That peace would resurface
With duties grave and dangers ahead
I cannot afford to weep
Cannot reveal my fears unsaid
My agonies light and deep
For my people, being their linchpin
I must display fortitude
Even when I crumble from within
From the pain of solitude
Anguish and worries that I cannot erase
And fears of unknown danger
Have pushed me to seek breathing space
By hiding behind a stranger
A stranger whose presence brings a smile,
A stranger I trust and respect,
He makes me forget my pain for a while,
With him I somehow connect
I cried out to him my troubles galore,
He surprisingly understood,
I wish to stay in this haven some more
Forever if only I could
But I must proceed with resolve,
Overcoming my deep heartache,
For my country, for my people,
And for my motherland's sake
Though my heart yearns for peace
For the calm of a mother's embrace,
I know that my challenges will not cease,
That there are combats I must still face
No struggles in life can be won
By denial or by tears
I must face and fight them one by one
Till the chaos clears.
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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