The last few days had been tiring for Nachiket in more ways than one. It was like everything was happening at once! The post marriage rituals, the orientation' with Ragini, the new sleep cycle he was getting used to, the new yet old food he was getting acquainted with again, the close quarter contact and frequent physical encounters with Ragini, and now the festive season which would require a fresh bout of mental push for him to appear happy and content doing everything with Ragini by his side..
He sighed as he thought of it and rested his head on the couch, tiling his head back so he was staring at the ceiling. Doing all these things with Ragini..these rites and rituals enthralled him to no end, his family finally being one unit.. this was nothing less than a dream for him.. but the transiency of it all was like a dagger stuck in his heart that threatened to twist and turn with every memory he unwittingly recalled.
So much had changed with Ragini, and so much had remained perfectly the same. His mind prodded him towards calling her his Ragini but his heart cautioned him.. was she still the same old Ragini he fell hopelessly for or had she changed so much? He just waited for a chance, a clue from her that he could cross over to her side and claim her as his soulmate all over again.. but she was like a closed door.. and his heart constricted as he thought of all the mental barriers between them. She was never this way before.. he could clearly read her eyes and her mind, always knowing crystal clear what she was up to.. but things were different now.. she seemed to doubt the world and herself.. and for him, she reserved the worst.. every look at him and he felt worthless, wondering what he could do to be worth her trust again.. he'd do anything.. anything..
His train of thought was rudely interrupted by a phone call. He wondered who it was.. and was pleasantly surprised to see Ragini's name flash on the screen.. his heart seemed to pump an extra dose of warmth that surged through his entire being just by the act of receiving her call..
Yes, Ragini.. kya hua?
Nachiket, I need a favour..
Ha bolo na..
I had to give a cancelled cheque to this person from the insurance company today.. but I completely forgot to bring it to the office. I've sent the guy home.. can you please take it from the small locker in the cupboard.. I've crossed the top cheque..
Yes, will do. Don't worry.. I'll take care of it..
Thanks, Nachiket..
No problem..
(silence)
Did you eat, Nachiket? I know you don't really like cauliflower but I forgot to tell Sunny tai and she'd already prepared it and..
You don't have to apologize Ragini.. I'm not as fussy as before..
(silence)
Listen, I'll keep the cheque ready.. you carry on..
Ok Nachiket.. I know you're still trying to figure out how to best use your time... I wish I could ask you to join the hospital but..
Ragini..
Yes, I know, Nachiket.. it's just that I know how.. anyway, bye.. I'll see you in a few hours..
Bye.
He sighed again.. their conversations always seemed to end like this nowadays. End before they even started. They were so guarded with their emotions.. so scared of scratching the surface in fear of the reality the other held inside.. so fearful of their capability to withstand the brutality of the truth of their being and where they really stood.. they would retract the slightly pointed questions just to maintain their status quo.. what they had right now was harmless, comfortable.. comfortable yet suffocating.. Nachiket wondered if it was that way just for him.. he was banging against a door.. but could she hear?
The doorbell rang as if on cue and there was the insurance fellow waiting for the cheque. Without as much as a look at the cheque in his hand, he handed it over to him and closed the door.. realizing he had not closed the locker, he proceeded towards the cupboard and curiosity got the better of him and he flipped open the cheque book only to be reduced to tears by what he saw.. silent tears streamed down his cheeks and there was nothing he could do about it.. he felt so completely broken by what he saw and he didn't even know why..
Flipping to the first few pages of the cheque book which was allotted to details about the used cheque leaves and the remaining balance in the account, it took Nachiket no time to figure out this was her salary account.. his mind was swimming with the emotional overdrive.. he traced his fingers down the entries of the 50 leaves cheque book and felt his heart drown with every entry...
He heard a hustle behind him and before he knew it, Ragini was in the room..
Nachiket, I thought it was better if I handed over the cheque.. I forgot to mention..
And she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the opened cheque book in his hands and the look on his face - devastated, broken, tormented.. he took slow shaky steps towards her and stopped inches away from her.. she could feel the hiccups he was trying to hide... the ones that you get when you've been crying a lot..
She teared up immediately at that sight.. at the sight of her broken Nachiket.. the man she would do everything to keep safe from the world and its attacks.. the man she was married to, all these years.. even if she did not call herself his wife anymore.. the man she was scared to reveal what she'd become.. the scared, emotionally scarred ghost of her former self, who pitied herself to the extent that she was unsure of being loved by him again.. scared of being a let down.. scared of living the lie..
She tried to do what she did best.. hide for a while, waiting for the storm to subside.. she turned around but he held her wrist and made her turn around slowly... his finger at the bottom of the fresh leaf of the cheque book.. at the signature... at the signatures..
She blinked through her tears and met his eyes.. a deep sigh escaped her.. she had no words why she was still using that.. their joint account.. the one they had created when they got engaged. It was as if every fight they had over money came to the fore.. they were such different people.. but they never disagreed on the most important things.. the way they used their money was one.. she remembered it as a big step in their life together.. he had two accounts.. but they always used the joint account for all the home related expenses.. how she loved to account for everything at the end of the day and how he'd fall asleep in her lap as she tracked all the savings and investments.. she was the father of a CA afterall..
Everything was divided when they got separated.. their kids, their lives.. he took his personal account and shifted it to a branch in the US... but this was hers.. their account together.. maybe her way of consoling her heart that there still existed something that was theirs.. something that they owned together..
She looked at the floor.. she had no answer to the questions in his eyes.. his grip on her wrist tightened as he read out aloud the balance in the account from the first few pages.. he had no right to, her mind almost revolted.. and then she reminded herself it was a joint account.. 30,000.. 15,000 deducted for Aarav's life insurance policy premium, 5,000 deducted for new clothes for Aagham and Suhani, 3,000 for Maa's travel to Surat for the pooja.. and then he stopped.. she wished he would not go further... she had been such a fool.. she should have never told him to do anything about the cheque..
After what seemed like an eternity, he read out aloud again, faltering multiple times.. Balance : 7000.. 4000 deducted for.. for... 4000 deducted for Nachiket's birthday gift.. there it was.. he could not believe this woman.. she had completely given up living for herself .. here she was barely making ends meet with all these new expenses and she'd spent the major chunk of her last bits of money on him... on his birthday that was 4 days away.. and it was just the 15th of the month..
He broke down and sat down on the bed.. tears almost blinding him now.. she did what she knew best.. sit besides him and cradle his head in her arms.. holding him close to her bosom as he snaked his hands around her frame and hugged her for dear life.. she let her tears flow freely.. there were too many questions and she had no answers... and he knew that.. there would be all of that later..
Right now it was just them.. Nachiket's Ragini.. and Ragini's Nachiket..
Anupamaa
