Khushi looked around the room. She had been given the same room in RM that she had been given in each of her previous visits to this house. A full circle. That's what her life had come to and in this circle she barely remembered anything else other than the pain that her life was. The only few nuggets of happiness she remembered were in this house. How did she get here? Last memory she had was walking on a deserted road in pain from the numerous injuries her husband had given her. She was sure she would not survive past the night. After hitting her brutally, she and his new 'wife' had thrown her out on the streets to die all because she had gone to her father's house without telling anyone. 'A whole lot of good that had done' the pain of being the unwanted child still fresh after twenty five years. She had always known her father provided for her because it was his duty and nothing more. He had tolerated her because she was his offspring and it was his duty. Her mother had died giving birth to her and somewhere in his mind, her father had blamed her for it. Once he had married her off, he had washed his hands off her. He was happy with his other family and did not want any unpleasant memories associated with her intruding.
She had a hazy recollection of someone taking her to the hospital. Yes, she had fallen in front of an approaching car. Anjali di..It was Anjali di who had been driving. 'Was she the one who took care of her?' Khushi was surprised that Anjali di had not only recognized her but had, had her treated at the hospital and then brought her to Shantivan. She wondered what di was doing in Shantivan. Di had gotten married during her second year of college. Why wasn't she in her sasural? Shyam jeejaji had seemed like a really good person. She had seen him only once but had liked him instantly. Had she been mistaken about him? she wondered.
She had to get up from here..get up and go from here before he came. She didn't want to see him. She actually didn't want to see anyone or do anything. She felt numb and she was comfortable being numb. No one could hurt you if you were numb.
Arnav Singh Raizada, sauve, sophisticated and the super hero of both school and college had at one time been her best friend. Somewhere in the years she had known him, she had fallen head over heels in love with him. They had met in boarding school and when school was over and she learnt that he was going to go to college in his hometown, Delhi, she had for the first time ever asked her father something. She wanted to attend Delhi university too. After assuring them that she would stay at the hostel, and not with them, they had agreed and there she was, with her Arnav.
Everything was good till the time Payal Sharma joined the college and Arnav Singh Raizada caught Arnav's eyes. Payal was sweet, demure and came from an ultra conservative family. She never spoke much but that challenged Arnav more. He had asked Khushi to befriend Payal and that laid the foundation for Khushi's destruction.
Soon they were meeting secretly using Khushi as a cover. Khushi would go to Payal's house to bring Payal out and then Arnav would take Payal out somewhere leaving Khushi waiting. Khushi hated this but was never able to say no to Arnav. She felt like a candle burning on both ends. Then the day came where Payals' parents found out about her affair with a boy and had hurriedly fixed her marriage with someone. Arnav and his friends had hatched a plan to get Arnav and Payal married at a temple and Khushi was assigned the task of getting Payal to the temple. Though Khushi was uncomfortable doing this, no one listened to her and Arnav had told her that if she loved him she would do as he said. That had sealed her fate. That's when she had realized that Arnav had an inkling of her feelings for him but still that did not make any difference to him. She had considered him her best friend but maybe he had considered her just another idiot who blindly did what ever he asked her to? She was she knew, an idiot who couldn't say no to him. Yes she would somehow bring Payal to the temple even if it killed her.
That day Arnav, Aman and Lavanya waited at the temple for hours..but there was no sign of either Khushi or Payal. Arnav could not meet Payal again. She got married at the end of the week and the week after that she was in Singapore with her husband. Till that moment Arnav had never hated anyone but that was the moment he knew he could hate. It didn't matter to him why Khushi suddenly was missing. He didn't care why she didn't do what she said she would. He did not pick up any calls from her the following day when she tried calling him. He did not think he could talk to her. The wound was still too fresh. But what he didn't know then was that, that would be the last ever call she made to him. She never called after that. He did not call her either. Never tried finding her. He couldn't see past his betrayal. He never realized that while he had just his heart broken, Khushi had burned alive and had he picked up even one of her calls that day, maybe, just maybe he could have prevented the complete destruction of an innocent girl's life.
Anjali looked into the room to see if Khushi was up. She found her standing near the French door looking out into the garden. She looked emancipated. Anjali wondered when she had eaten the last time.
"How are you feeling?" Khushi heard a soft voice breaking her reverie.
"Why did you bring me here?" asked Khushi choosing to ignore Anjali's question.
"Why did you help me? I wish you had just left me on the road." She continued with almost no emotion in her voice.
*
Arnav Singh Raizada looked at the slight figure sitting on the swing in the terrace garden. If not for the slight movement of the swing he would have thought he was seeing a marble statue. So still was her demeanor and so pale was her person. It was so unlike the Khushi he remembered. He didn't know what made her this way but he hated seeing her this way. He remembered his mama saying how she hardly ate unless forced. That was also not the Khushi he remembered. That Khushi loved to eat. She would constantly pester him to take her to eat chat and jelebies.
Arnav had returned from his US trip last week a little bit earlier than expected, feeling like there was something majorly wrong. He had been feeling that way for the past two days. When he asked his dad if there was anything wrong in India, his dad replied in the negative after a slight hesitation. The slight hesitation was enough for him to be sure that there was something seriously wrong. But meeting Khushi in this state was the last thing he had expected.
He wondered what happened. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. Why was he thinking so much about her? Why did he feel a stabbing pain in the region of his heart when he saw her this way? He didn't know. He just knew that he had missed her. Had missed her constant chatter, he missed sharing things with her, he had missed her being there for him. She, who did things just for him when he wanted them done. He missed the girl who had loved him unconditionally.
He knew he had been so terribly wrong. He had been wrong to take advantage of her. But he hadn't even realized he had been taking advantage. Arnav Singh Raizada thrived on challenge and Payal had been just that. He had loved the challenge she presented and had been attracted to her shy nature. Given time, the attraction most likely would have run its course and they might have parted on friendly terms. With the wisdom that came with age he realized that in the long run, their personalities would have never matched and she might have either been crying constantly or given him the silent treatment and he would have been frustrated in either case. In retrospect, Payal did seem a lot more happy with her husband Abhishek than she might have been with him. He had met her last year at a party when he had gone to Singapore on a business trip. She looked supremely happy and had been expecting her first child. Initially it had been a little bit awkward and then when they got talking it was more like two friends catching up. There had been no heartache which had surprised him given that the relationship had cost him his best friend. The meeting had again brought up the void he had felt since Khushi left his life. And he had wondered again if he should somehow get in touch with her but then he remembered her father's words the last time he had met the man around a year or so after the entire Payal fiasco.
"She is married and is extremely happy with her husband. They are a little on the conservative side and would not appreciate another man looking for their daughter in law. Please do not create any problems for her" is what he had said. Arnav had always known that the man held no great affection for his daughter but at that time, he had had no reason to suspect anything was wrong. He had felt an unexplained pang in his heart and a churning in his stomach, but had convinced himself that it was because of the way his relationship with her ended.
Thinking about it now, the reasons for him being angry with Khushi seemed silly to him. In fact, thinking back, he should have been worried when she didn't come with Payal to the temple. He should have searched for her, picked up the call when she had called, he should have done something.
Arnav sighed. He knew she was depressed. He had seen his sister go through this when Shyam jeejaji passed away in an accident and the shock had caused Anjali's miscarriage. It had actually been that incident that had put things in perspective for him. His heartbreak had seemed inconsequential when compared to that of his sister's. Arnav sighed again..he knew she needed something to pull her back from the abyss she was facing. Left on her own she would wither away and Arnav could not imagine his Khush withering away like a dried rose.
*
"Di" Khushi heard the voice she did not want to acknowledge. Before she could tune out the voice, she heard again "How many days longer is she going to stay here like this freeloading?". It took her a moment to realize that Arnav was speaking about her. It had finally come down to this. Well, it didn't matter anymore did it?
"She is standing right here Chotay..dheere bol(Speak softly)" she heard aunty tell her son while Anjali di just looked shocked.
"Why? Why should I speak softly? She is a freeloader. Last I heard, her husband and father both were alive. And she still is here." He said loudly.
"I will leave." he heard the soft voice.
"You will not go anywhere" he heard his di speak authoritatively. " Stop it chotay!! How can you be so heartless? Can't you see her condition? She needs us!"
"Enough di!! I don't care who feels what but I don't want to see her face!! This is my house and I have the authority to decide who should stay here and who should not!!"
"Chotay!!! Is this what we have taught you? To kick someone when they are down already?? I had expected better from you!!" cried his mother
"I know what I am doing ma!! Please don't interfere in this!!"
"What the hell is happening here???" Arnav heard his dad shout as he walked in with his uncle. "What on earth is happening here? Why are you screaming at your mother Arnav? IS this the way to speak to her??"
"Its all this girl's fault dad. She being here is the problem!! Look at her stand and look around as though she is in no way connected to all that is happening here !"
Khushi looked at the faces around here and felt something piercing the numbness around her. There was something trying to break through. She wasn't sure what it was but maybe it was time to let it out?
"I said I will leave" she said her voice raising a little bit.
"No beta.."
"One min dad! You will leave? You will just leave now?? After you turned my family members against me and made me a villain? So typical of you Khushi Kumari Gupta!! You with your innocent face 'I dont know anything' expression think you can walk away again after wreaking havoc in my life again?? How dare you? Its all acting ma, dad, this woman is capable of acting so brilliantly that everyone will be taken in by her oh poor me' persona. In reality she is nothing but that!! She made me loose Payal by not bringing her to the temple. She thought she could tell me another sob story later on and I will believe her. She planned on me falling in love with her and marrying her. When that didn't happen, she married the man her dad wanted. I don't know why she is back now with another story but this time I will not fall for her lies! No way!!" he screamed knowing every face around him showed disgust at what he was insinuating but he hardly cared. He was looking only at that one face which was right now showing incredulity at what he was saying. Then he saw the anger replacing it...finally!!
Khushi heard what Arnav was suggesting with raising incredulity then suddenly she felt her entire being fill with so much anger that she was surprised that Arnav didn't burn down to the ground. How dare he!!! How dare he!!
"How dare you!!" Shouted Khushi pushing Arnav with all her might. "How dare you, you bas***d!!! Your life is spoilt?? His life spoilt?"
She screamed looking around at everyone. She was almost hysterical.
"You? With your multi-million dollar businesses and a family capable all the love in the world? What the hell do you know about life? What the hell do you know about anything? Do you know how much your family loves you? Do you know that I would give up my life just to have one tenth of that love? I spoilt your life??? No, you spoilt my life!! You are the reason for my misery!! You whom I trusted more than myself, you who I loved! I thought you would save me! I thought you would be my friend! But no..you didn't even turn out to be human!" she cried pushing him as she poured out her anger.
"I spoilt your life?? What did I do?" asked Arnav holding her by her wrists
" Its not what you did, Its what you didn't do!!" She cried "You did not pick up my phone calls! Do you know how many times I called you? Do you know how desperately I tried to reach you? Had you picked up my call, I would have told you that my father fixed my marriage suddenly and that I had to leave immediately with him. I couldn't escape him and when I finally was able to get my hands on a phone, I thought you would at least listen to what I had to say. I thought even if you were angry with me, you would never let me down. I thought I would be saved. But no, you let me down! You, the only I had, the only person I trusted and you let me down!! Let me rot!! I hate you!!"
Khushi could feel tears that refused to fall from her eyes for 5 years cascading down her cheeks. She made no attempt to stem the flow. Her knees gave away and she would have fallen if Arnav hadn't held her. She didn't seem to notice, instead her mind was reliving the horror that was her marriage.
" Do you know how it feels to be so hungry that your insides seem to be plastered together and your stomach feels as though something is eating it from inside? Do you know how it feels to go through the garbage can, in your own house hoping to find something edible? Do you know how much pain the body can feel when it has been beaten so much that it hurts even to breathe? Do you know how it is to wonder what your husband's mood was going to be like today? Will you be beaten and raped or just raped? Do you know how it feels to pray that there would be no child every time because you don't want to bring a child into that filth even if you know that the punishment for not becoming pregnant would be more harsher than the last time. Do you know how it feels to wish for death every night and then to wish for it again when you wake up in the morning? " she said, her voice just above a whisper as sobs wracked her body. Arnav held her against his chest running soothing circles on her back with his hand. He was repeatedly saying sorry as he held her, his eyes holding all the tears he was unable to shed, his heart wishing desperately to absorb her pain.
"Shhh Khushi, everything will be ok. I will never let anyone ever touch you again. Never again" he kept saying.
That night there wasn't a dry eye in Shantivan. And it looked as though even the Gods were wailing when a storm raged outside and the heavens opened and a deluge descended on earth .
*
"What is it Chotay?" asked Amar singh raizada "For the first time in 3 months I am seeing your smile reaching your eyes. Who was it on the phone?"
"Dad can you please not call me Chotay in the office. It has to be the worlds most embarrassing nickname." answered Arnav with a smile in his voice. He was a little happy today. For the first time in 3 months he felt positive. His anger was by no means appeased, but today's news had taken the edge off it.
"Khushi's divorce has come through dad"
"I know, the lawyer told me that in the morning, chotay. Who was that on the phone just now. What is it that has made you happy?"
"Its done dad. Neelkanth Tiwari is going to rot in jail for the rest of his life. That was the commissioner dad. They have solid evidence that NK and his dad were in the drug dealing business and they also had links to the mafia. I am going to make sure that he never comes out. Before he goes to jail though I am going to pay him a visit and I am so looking forward to that!" he said his mind already on ways to make living painful for NK. Maybe he could break every bone? Nah, then he would escape jail. He wanted NK to suffer for a long time. As he was contemplating on the ways to make NK pay, he noticed the look on his dad's face.
"What?" he asked wondering why his dad was looking at him like that.
"What is Khushi to you Chotay? This kind of thirst to take revenge implies that she means a lot more to you than you have ever let on. It is understandable that you want your friend to be free from such a monster. I can even understand the need to make sure that the beast pays for the injustice perpetuated against an innocent soul. But this thirst to physically hunt him down..that is for your own satisfaction. I doubt you would even tell Khushi what you did with NK. This need suggests something more than just friendship to me."
"I don't know dad. I don't understand it myself. I just know that when she was away from me, I felt as though..as though breathing had become difficult. I never realized how much of a part she played in my life till she went away from it. You know dad, from the time I first met her, when were just 10, she has always been there for me. The longest we have ever gone without speaking to each other is for a month when we went to the US for holidays. Then suddenly she was no longer there..and I felt...felt lost dad. Initially my anger sustained me. Then the anger turned into concern when even after a few months she didn't contact me again. She had never let things go so long before she pacified me you see. When I tried contacting her, she didn't pick up and I assumed she was angry with me. I let my ego rule and let things go for another 6 months before I thought of speaking to her father about her. When he told me that she was married and was happy in her marital life, it felt like something broke in me. I had always been the most important person in her life, dad. Hell, I was the only person in it. Her day did not raise without speaking to me and did not end without wishing me good night. What I had failed to realize was that my day started and ended the same way. It hurt to know someone else now had those rights. As the years rolled by, I had to consciously tell myself not to think of her. It was so hard..just the sound of rain or the smell of jelebies would bring back her memory and I would miss her so much that it was almost a physical ache. I still don't know what I feel for her dad..but I just know that I need her in my life."
"And here I always thought it was Payal that made you shy away from marriage." Said his dad with a smile in his voice.
"Whatever you do, remember you have our full support but also make sure you don't do anything that will make you regret what you did"
"Regret? What else is left to regret, dad? I already have so many regrets ...the topmost one being not picking up a phone call" replied Arnav lost in memories of years past. He knew he would never forgive himself for that ever. Not in this lifetime!
*
He found her standing exactly where he knew she would be...in the little terrace garden that he had lovingly nurtured just off his room. It was once only his solace but now had become hers too. She loved it here amidst his plants..they seem to offer her the peace she craved. He sometimes found her just sitting on the swing and relaxing but most often than not, he found her working in the garden either weeding or pruning. He had forgotten that she shared his love for growing things.
Khushi's heart did a little flip as she heard the footsteps. It was silly she knew. She was no longer in the Tiwari house and it wasn't a beast in the guise of a man who was walking towards her, but the reflex was hard to control. Three months of therapy had helped a lot but she was still far away from the Khushi everyone had known. She doubted if she could ever get back to being that Khushi. She wanted to try though. She wanted to try if not for herself at least for the people who accepted as part of their family without having any expectations from her. She wanted to try for the man who once was her best friend and then the man she had loved. Now, he was her savior, the one who brought her back, the one who was teaching her to live again. She didn't know if he would be successful but she wanted to try. The scars would always remain but maybe they won't hurt anymore?
"Hi" he said as he looked at the emotions playing across her face. His eyes seemed to hold a different kind light. He seemed to radiate relief and something else.
" You are a free woman now. Your divorce has come through". He said. He wanted to see her reaction..that is why he hadn't called her with the news. For a moment he could glimpse his old Khushi. Relief effused her entire being as she let it sink into her and he thought he glimpsed a little bit of joy too.
"I am really free?" she asked as tears filled her eyes, her inner self wanting assurance.
"Yes" he smiled as he gently took her into his embrace and pecked her forehead. She didn't seem to notice . Physical intimacy still scared her and he completely understood.
"Want to celebrate with gol gapes and jelebies?"
"Maybe we can have ice cream too to finish it off?" he continued as she looked a little hesitant. She looked unsure for a minute and just when he tried to not show his disappointment, she seemed to make up her mind.
"Give me 5 minutes? I will meet you downstairs" she smiled.
It was time to break free. She was going to embrace every tiny bit of happiness life threw her way and this was the first step. Who better to take the steps with than her best friend.
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