FF:Tum Ho Toh...Final Chpt updtd on Pg-34 - Page 8

Chapter-5

(A few months later)

Kesar

"aaarrrgh''...stop it...main aur nahi jhel sakta", shouted a frustrated Kesar. He looked at Gulaal who was now staring at him innocently with those big beautiful eyes. Did she even know the effect it had on him? Everytime she looked at him like that it drove him crazy. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and kiss her senseless. He quickly shook his head looking away from her and said sternly, "bas bhi kar,tujhe kya lagta hai tu aisi shakal banaayegi aur main maan jaaunga...nahi... bilkul nahi". He almost relented when he heard Gulaal's soft protests, "lekin Kesar,tu ne jaisa kaha tha'main waisa hi kar rahi thi...ab nahi aa raha toh main kya karun'". But he did not give in because he was too irritated with her today,"haan baba meri hi galti hai jo main tujhe guitar seekhane chala tha.tu toh puri koshish kar rahi thi hai na''ab nahi aa raha toh isme teri kya galti hai.music ka gala ghontne waali...besuri kahinki..."

Honestly she was not a "besuri". He knew that. She was an excellent singer. She had been trained in classical music and he loved to hear her sing. That's how these sessions had first started. He used to play some tune on his guitar and she would join in singing a beautiful raag. It was great fun mixing the western and the Indian musical elements and one fine day he suddenly got this idea to teach her how to play the guitar. From then on he silently cursed himself every single day for ever getting that idea. He had been trying patiently for the past one month but every session ended in a disaster with his ears screaming out in protest. Today he finally decided that his ears had suffered more than enough and decided to put an end to the torture. Of course he knew that she was playing around the entire time and not concentrating at all. He saw her pout and he had to control his laughter when she came upto him and said in a sugary sweet voice, "main kya karoon Kesar, mujhe isme bilkul interest nahi hai. I just love to hear you play.lekin tere liye...sirf tere liye main phir se try karungi...aur is baar bilkul seriously, promise..." He had to admit she was good. She knew that he would never be able to resist her sounding so vulnerable and soft. She did not hesitate to use that knowledge everytime she needed something to go her way. He tried to stay strong but her dazzling smile proved too powerful for his poor defences to handle. He replied softly, "nahi Gulaal..iski koi zaroorat nahi.tujhe sirf wohi karna chahiye jo tujhe pasand ho. tu bas apne gaane par dhyaan de theek hai". She almost jumped with joy clapping her hands like a child, "yay...thank you Kesar, ab jaldi se koi achi si dhun suna mujhe...kal kuch naya compose kiya tha na wohi sunaa de..." and she closed her eyes to really concentrate on the music. Kesar looked at her happy face and thought about his friendship with her.

It had been so easy for them to pick up where they had left off. It was if the 5 years never happened. He never gave her any explanation because honestly what could he say? I was avoiding you as I am madly in love with you and couldn't see you with my brother. She would definitely slap him if he ever said that. Thankfully she never asked for an explanation and that saved him the trouble of coming up with pathetic lies which he knew would never convince her. Kesar kept staring at her and was brought out of his thoughts when he heard her complain, "oye Kesar, maine tujhe thoda sa chada kya diya,tu toh bhaav kha raha hai...chal yaar ab jaldi se sunaa...",and she accompanied her demand with a sweet smile. Now how could he ever say no that smile? He started to play the new tune which he had just finished composing yesterday. As he finished playing through it he noticed Gulaal look at him with affection and there were tears in her eyes. He got worried and came near her keeping the guitar to a side. "Kya hua Gulaal,tu ro kyun rahi hai...kya itna bura tha...yaa phir ma,papa ki yaad...", he felt her hand on top of his arm. He heard her gulp before she replied in a small voice, "nahi Kesar,yeh tho bas khushi ke aansoo hain.main tere liye bahut khush hoon kyunki tera sapna sach hone jaa raha hai.bahut jald tu apne band ke saath apna pehla performance dene waala hai.patha hai Kesar tujhe us stage par dekh kar mujhse zyada khush aur koi nahi hoga...kyunki uske baad toh tu bahut famous ho jaayega.phir main sab ke saamne rob jhaad sakungi ki mera dost ek famous "Rockstar"hai..." ,and then she started to laugh uncontrollably. Kesar pretended to be angry for some seconds but then one look at her and he couldn't help but smile back. He knew that it had taken a long time for Gulaal to reach this stage where she could feel happy and enjoy the lighter moments without feeling like she was betraying her family.

He would never be able to wipe away the picture of Gulaal sitting like a statue with no emotion whatsoever on her face. That face haunted him even now in his nightmares. He had never thought that he would ever be able to get back his lively, chirpy Gulaal but he was proven wrong. He had underestimated Gulaal's strength. Well... he had not expected her to completely breakdown but he had also never expected her to bounce back so quickly ready to face whatever challenge life threw at her. Her courage just strengthened his love and admiration for her. Of course he knew that the loss of her family still made her feel lonely and vulnerable sometimes but at least now she shared her pain with him instead of keeping it to herself. He remembered how during the first few months she would put on a brave face in front of the entire family and even Vasant bhai. She did not show them her utter disappointment when her so called close relatives, her mama and chacha refused to take her home and care for her. They were quite blunt about it stating that they had their own children to worry about and so won't be able to take up an additional responsibility. Thankfully his baba put an end to that discussion when he declared that Gulaal will live them. They would care for her. She would be the DIL of the house someday but for now she will live in this house as a daughter. That was the only time he had seen Gulaal cry out openly as she hugged his father and mother. The rest of the time she would just hide in her room and cry silently holding a photo of her family. He just could not see her wallow alone in so much pain and he decided to be her shoulder to cry on. She had tried hard to stay strong in front of him but in the end she gave into his pleas when he said, "Gulaal,tu kyun chupa rahi hai apne aansuon ko. Beh jaane de inhe.kab tak yoon akele ghunt thi rahegi is gham mein. Is tarah akele is dukh ko kabhi bardaasht nahi kar paayegi...ro le Gulaal mann halka ho jaayega..."

From then on whenever she remembered her family she would share it with him. Though it used to be emotional at first, as time passed she started to relieve memories of the happy times, her childhood and how she used to make her parents go crazy over her antics, how her brother would shield her from their anger. He loved listening to all those stories because he got to know more about her. He could not help himself from laughing like crazy at some of her mis-adventures. His favourite was the one where she had used up all of her mom's expensive make up and perfume. She had made a mess of both the dressing room and her face. Her parents had even taken a picture of it as evidence which she said was used many a time by her mother as a tool for blackmail and one day after much cajoling from him, she showed him the photo. The photo was hilarious yet so adorable with the little Gulaal looking like an overly made up doll-face looking white as a sheet due to the excessive face powder, kaajal smeared all around the eyes and some of it spread to her forehead too; lips, cheeks and chin adorned with bright red lipstick and what made the photo adorable was her wide smile. He had to admit she looked cute but he did not say that to her instead he kept teasing her calling her "bhootni" for the rest of the day. He enjoyed getting her all worked up; at least she was no longer sad.

"Kesar...Kesar'", Gulaal's voice brought him back to the present. "main kab se bak bak kar rahi hoon aur tu ne kuch suna hi nahi"

He smiled at her and replied, "nahi Gulaal...main bas kuch soch raha tha" He took a deep breath before continuing "yehi soch raha tha ki tu bilkul sach keh rahi hai.mere performance se sirf tujhe hi khushi hogi baaki sab toh mere is faisle se bahut mayoos hain..." It was true to a certain extent. No one came right out and opposed his decision to pursue a career in music but he did know that his father was severely disappointed in his choice. Vasant bhai had chosen to do something on his own and was already a big name in his chosen profession so his dad had expected him to join the family business. That way at least one son would carry on the family tradition but Kesar was absolutely against this idea. How could he sit in a cloth manufacturing factory when his mind would be preoccupied with making music? He would be never be able to do justice to either of them. Music had started out as a way to escape but now it was his passion and he could never give it up. His dad did not say anything when he told him about his decision but he had seen the slight frown on his face which was quickly masked over by a resigned smile. His mother was more vocal about her displeasure, even Vasant bhai was unconvinced and a little concerned as he had said, "Kesar,yeh tu kya keh raha hai?bahut struggle karna padega tujhe.bahut mushkil rasta chuna hai tu ne.meri baat maan aur koi achi si naukri doondh le. Tu agar chaahe toh main teri madad kar sakta hoon is maamle mein..." That had only strengthened his resolve to make it in the music world. And he was glad that he had Gulaal who supported him whole heartedly. She never once doubted him, instead always encouraged him.

"le...yeh ladka phir se na jaane kahaan kho gaya...Kesar". He could hear Gulaal's irritation in her voice. He held his ears as he said sorry and she continued,"main bas yeh keh rahi thi ki sab khush hain lekin chintha karte hain ki kahin aage chalkar tujhe takleef na ho.aakhir mummy,papa hain tere,chintha karna unka haq hai...tu fikr math kar.main jaanti hoon ki teri mehnat ek din tujhe unchaayion tak le jaayegi kyunki talent toh tujh mein hai hi aur sab se badi baat main jo hoon tere saath...teri sab se badi supporter". Her words made him happy maybe even a little emotional. He came closer to her looking into her eyes intently and spoke hesitantly, "hamesha...rahegi mere saath..." He had no idea where that came from and he couldn't take it back. Actually he did not want to; he wanted to see her reaction to his question. He searched her face minutely. He thought he had felt her eyes soften for a second there but maybe he was wrong because all he could see was the fading of her smile and then confusion written all over her face. "yeh...yeh kaisa sawaal hai Kesar?Of course... main teri dost hoon toh tujhe hamesha support karti rahungi na. tu bhi na Kesar kabhi kabhi stupid baatein karta hai". He felt a stab of disappointment in his heart as he heard the word "dost". Why should he be surprised? She had always considered him only as her friend and nothing more and why was he even thinking about all this? Why did he keep forgetting that she was going to marry his brother? He really needed to keep telling himself that because nowadays he was finding it quite difficult to control his feelings around her. Someday, he was sure she would slap him for behaving inapproppriately with her and their whole friendship would be ruined which would be a tragedy because he did not think he would be able to exist without her in his life anymore. He would gladly have her as his friend than to lose her forever.

"chiii...Kesar kitna ganda rakhta hai apne room ko.kabhi kabhi saaf kar liya kar...", Gulaal said in a disgusted voice and he silently thanked her for the change in topic. He quickly pasted a wide smile on his face as he said, " haan wohi toh main keh raha hoon.kabhi kabhi mere room ko saaf kar diya kar". He knew what her answer would be even before she spoke. He could see it in her eyes. He smirked because she did not disappoint. "kyun,main kyun karoon?besharam, main kya teri servant hoon jo yeh sab karti rahungi". He teased her, "servant nahi lekin dost toh ho.aur dosti mein ek doosre ka khayaal rakhna bahut zaroori hotha hai.isliye mere saath saath mere room ka dhyaan rakhna bhi teri zimmedaari hai... samjhi". He knew she would definitely try to hit him and so he moved out of the way but she did not give up. "Kesar...tu aaj nahi bachega mujhse...", she screamed coming at him. As he walked backwards he bumped into someone. He looked at Gulaal who had gone silent and turned around to find Vasant bhai's grim face. Before he could say anything Gulaal spoke up, "dekho na Vasant tumhara bhai kitna tang karta hai.mujhe servant keh raha hai". Kesar smiled and was about to say sorry when he heard Vasant say, "jaane do Gulaal, yeh toh bacha hai.tum toh badi ho na,maaf kardo ise...aur Kesar tu kyun hamesha tang karta rehta hai ise...yeh teri hone waali bhabi hai.kam se kam us rishte ka lihaaz toh kar...tu kab tak aisi bachkani harkatein karta rahega..." The smile on Kesar's face froze up in an instant as a blinding anger gripped him. He clenched his fist and closed his eyes to control himself. The "bhabhi" word still made him uncomfortable even after all these years and Vasant bhai seemed to be repeating this word quite a lot in the last few months. He did not want to say anything right now, he knew he would stutter very badly (yes, the old friend did make an appearance whenever he was extremely nervous or angry). Thankfully he heard Gulaal speak in a soft, hesitant tone "nahi...nahi Vasant... main toh mazaak kar rahi thi.actually main hi isko tang kar rahi thi.iski koi galti nahi hai'". Kesar opened his eyes to look at Gulaal. She had her eyes fixed on his brother and he could also see her fingers making knots in her dupatta. She was nervous, he realized but why? And why did she look so guilty? Just then he heard Vasant bhai speak, "acha theek hai...mujhe tum dono ki baatein samajh mein hi nahi aati.Gulaal...tum tayyar tho ho na...party mein jaana hai.yaad toh hai na..." He saw Gulaal hit the back of her head with her hand, "oho...main toh bhool hi gayi.Sorry Vasant bas main 5 minute mein tayyar ho jaati hoon.phir chalte hain.ok", and she left the room without even glancing at him. Somehow that hurt Kesar a lot. Vasant also started to leave the room and Kesar could swear he heard him mutter, "aaj kal tum bahut kuch bhool rahi ho Gulaal..."

Kesar was angry, hurt and above all confused with the whole situation. He couldn't understand either Gulaal's behaviour or his own brother's strange demeanour. Something was not right in that relationship and he had been having this feeling ever since he came back. Gulaal's letters had always suggested that she was quite happy with his brother and looking forward to the marriage but watching them together gave him an entirely different perspective. Vasant bhai was completely devoted to Gulaal, he could see that but Gulaal...he was not so sure about her feelings for his brother. Whenever Vasant bhai was around she became conscious. Her spontaneity somehow would vanish. She would choose her words carefully and her smiles would seem a tad bit rehearsed. He had also noticed that whenever Vasant bhai put an arm around her shoulder or tried to hold her hand (which he always did in front of him), she would get uncomfortable and he most definitely knew that he was the only person she confided in about her family, her pain, all her happy childhood memories. He could not understand why was she holding back so much from his brother? She was supposed to be in love with him right then what was the reason behind her distant behaviour? Did she have someone else in her life? He panicked...he couldn't even think about that...naaah his Gulaal couldn't love anyone else. Suddenly he gets a flash of Gulaal smiling happily along with some guy whose face was not at all clear to him. "aaarrrgh...", he hit his fist on the wall, "Gulaal, I hope jo main soch raha hoon woh bilkul galat ho kyunki badi mushkil se tujhe apne bhai ke saath dekh paa raha hoon.lekin main tujhe kisi aur ka hothe hue kabhi nahi dekh paaunga''kabhi nahi..."

The feeling of uneasiness which had gripped Kesar tormented him for the next few days. He had gotten busy with his band practising and Gulaal, who usually attended these practice sessions seemed to be missing. He had cornered her one day and she confessed that she was much behind in her thesis work and she was busy catching up with the lost time. Kesar knew that she was lying because she avoided looking him in the eye while saying this. He let it go for now though it was making him restless. Why was she avoiding him? He hadn't done anything wrong...Did Vasant bhai have something to do with her strange behaviour? He was making a lot of mistakes which his bandmates were not taking to kindly. He wanted to talk to someone but then he realized that the two people whom he could confide in were the very reason for his turmoil. Vasant bhai had long ceased to be his friend and confidante. He knew that he had no one but himself to blame for that. Nowadays Vasant bhai almost seemed like a stranger and Kesar found it very difficult to understand him and his words. And Gulaal, well right now he had no idea how to deal with her. He was thinking this over while walking to his room after yet another frustrating session with the band. To his surprise his door was open and Gulaal was standing there holding a duster in her hand. She was wearing a simple salwar kameez and her dupatta was tied up around her waist. Her curly hair was messily tied up in a bun. She looked too funny making faces and he could hear her mutter in between, "kya kuch karna padta hai...kitne naukar hain yahan pe lekin kisi ko bhi apne room mein aane nahi detha.phir kamre ki haalat aisi hi hogi na. Tu bhi paagal hai Gulaal,kyun yeh sab karne lag jaati hai.uska room,use hi clean karna chahiye na.arre nahi baba kahin us par chod diya toh patha nahi kal ko yahaan pe kaun kaun se naye jaanwar dikhne mil jaaye..." Suddenly all his tensions vanished and a huge smile spread across his face. She was back and nothing else mattered to him. He was about to call out her name when he saw her pick up something from under his pillow. He suddenly remembered that he had been going through one of Gulaal's letters the previous night as he was feeling very sad and unhappy. He had needed her company so he had turned to her letter. They never failed to make him smile. He still had all of her letters with him but had never thought that he would ever need them again when his friendship with Gulaal revived. He became anxious as he thought "bas ab isi ki kami thi'.Gulaal isko dekh kar patha nahi kya sochegi... agar use patha chal gaya ki main usse''nahi ...mujhe jaldi se us letter ko lena hoga isse pehle use patha chal jaaye ki wo usi ka likha hua letter hai..."

He moved towards her with lightning speed and tried to take the letter from her but it seemed as if she had sensed his presence. She turned around and hid the letter in her hand behind her back. Kesar was now getting jittery and her teasing smile made it worse. "Gu...Gulaal...tu kya kar rahi hai?de mujhe waapis", he tried to take it from her but she kept moving backward with that knowing smile intact on her face, "kyun doon?yeh maine likha hai...mujhe patha tha ki tu meri chittiyon ko padtha tha.I knew it..." He was now getting angry as he said childishly, "nahi yeh tera letter nahi hai.kisi aur ne likha hai.de mujhe waapis..."

"Main itni bhi budhu nahi hoon ki apni likhavat na pehchaan sakoon.Kesar maan lo ki yeh mera letter toh main yeh tujhe de doongi", Kesar thought for a second to give in but then he realized that she would tease him forever over this so he said determinedly, "nahi...kabhi nahi". He got a huge grin on his face as he saw her hit the wall which stunned her for a second. He took advantage of her confusion and caught hold of her wrists behind her back in a tight grip. He successfully took the letter out of her hands which had now gone slack. He quickly put the letter in his backpocket but he did not leave her. Instead he decided to tease her. He held on to her wrists tightly and with a wicked smirk he whispered in her ear, "tujhe kisine seekhaya nahi ki doosron ki chittiyaan padhna bahut galat hai..." He felt her shiver as he heard her gasp. It was then he realized that he was standing too close to her. In fact he was sort of hugging her and her entire body was pressed against him. He moved back to find her eyes wide open looking at him in surprise and her mouth parted a little as if waiting for something to happen. He blinked and looked into her eyes and he was confused. Why was she looking at him like that? as if she wanted him to''.no'.no,Kesar don't even go there'. He tried to look away, move away but neither his eyes nor his feet co-operated. He finally stopped fighting and gave in to his heart's desire. Oh God...she looked so beautiful, even with her hair an absolute mess and her face completely devoid of make up. Her eyes were almost half closed and seemed to be beckoning him to come closer. It was tempting'.too tempting. "Gulaal...", he whispered softly. The very next moment he was lost as he saw her close her eyes. He stared at her trembling lips which was just an inch apart from his own. He could feel her warm sweet breath on his lips and he wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them. Unconsciously he tightened his grip on her wrists and that gesture must have hurt her a bit as she yelped "owww!" That sound alerted him and brought him out of his trance. What was he doing? This was Gulaal, his brother's girl'..how could he even forget that for a moment? He was literally pinning her against the wall, holding her captive...oh God...what had he done? He immediately let go of her and moved back. He looked at her with one of his hands on his hips and the other running nervously through his hair. He saw her open her eyes slowly. She looked lost and oblivious of her surroundings. He needed to say something but what, he did not know. He searched her face for her reaction but for the first time he could not understand her expression. It seemed like an odd mixture of disappointment, confusion and shock. So was she angry with him? He did not know and he could no longer just stand there like a fool. He averted his eyes and muttered, "I am sorry...Gulaal..." and left the room before she could say anything.

He needed fresh air so he ran out of the house and stood in the backyard taking deep breaths to calm himself down. It did not help him in the slightest. He started pacing up and down still thinking about the near kiss. "aarrrgh...", he shouted out in frustration. Why had he gone and fallen in love with Gulaal? Why couldn't he just fall in love with a girl who was unattached? There would be no guilt, no complications; everything would be so easy-but he knew it would never work. With a sarcastic smile he remembered how he had asked a girl out after reading one of Gulaal's "happy"letters in which she kept mentioning Vasant a bit more than he could handle. His jealousy and anger had led him to do it but the date had started out well. He even started thinking as she smiled at a joke cracked by him, "oh well, it's not that bad...this is fun. Maybe I can even get over her!" The very next second the date ended with the girl throwing a glass of water in his face and leaving the restaurant in a huff. He had called her Gulaal by mistake and it was funny because as he tried to stop her and apologize for his mistake he realized, he really did not remember the girl's name at all. Well, that disastrous attempt ended his foray into the dating world as he realized no other girl will ever be able to make him forget his love for Gulaal.

Gulaal had always been beautiful to him but he had always admired her from afar. She was something that was far beyond his reach. Something forbidden- but recently he had started finding it very difficult to keep a lid on his emotions. Her nearness wrecked havoc on his senses. He constantly had to fight with himself. Everytime she came close to him he would either want to grab her and kiss her or just hold and comfort her. He knew something like this would happen one day when he would not be able to control his feelings and today her close proximity weakened his walls of resistance. Her bewitching smile, intoxicating eyes and those soft inviting lips made him lose his senses and he got lost in her completely for those few magical moments. He would have definitely kissed her if she hadn't cried out. Thank God he got back his senses at the right moment, but was it too late? Had he lost her friendship forever? He would not be surprised if she was disgusted with him right now but then why was he feeling so disappointed? And why did he feel that she was right there with him completely lost in the moment, but it was crazy right...she loved Vasant bhai...right...