We have seen Sai -- the angry young woman, who does not flinch when she has to speak the bitter truth as it should sound. She has no filters --in words or in thoughts-- to the extent of being brash, rude and even impolite due to her impulsive and presumptuous nature at times. But Sai is someone, who can stand up to and escape the clutches of her abductor with her presence of mind. Sai, who could go to any lengths to protect the one man she loved dearly in the whole world --her Aaba, although she knew he was stronger than her in the end. Sai, who wanted to rescue a girl used as a bait by her stalker to get her, without caring about her own safety. Sai, whose world came crashing down in that fraction of a second when a bullet from a handgun pierced her father's chest at close range, and she gathered herself to do whatever she could to save him.
Sai, who accepted the new turn of life, based on her instinct to trust a man, who her father held in high regard. This girl has been through so much, perhaps since the time she was born -- losing her mother and then living her youth years being molested and stalked by a upar-tak-pohach-rakhnewale gunde ka sone jaisa beta, nearly married and raped after an abduction, losing her father and then a forced marriage again.
She knows this marriage is a 'temporary contract' and even if she so desires, her self-respect will never allow her to tear down the wall that she's built around her. For she knows that his heart belongs to someone else -- he has repeated it so many times that she would never run the risk of thinking otherwise, even if he were to now offer that heart to her, himself. She respects him and that is about it for now. Nothing more. Yet, she calls his family hers -- is not just willing to live with his family but also feels a bond with those who are worthy of it. In a space of a few days, she has already carved an everlasting bond with his mother and a sister.
But whom does she belong to now? Sai lives in a fortress -- putting up a brave face in times when most young girls like her would cower. With the circumstances she has grown under, the best way to move ahead was to focus on her goal of becoming a doctor --the only thing that continues to be her driving force apart from the love that her Aaba has left behind for her. The walls that she has surrounded herself with are barbed, be warned --anyone touching it will feel stinging from the truth they speak. But behind this fortified wall is definitely a girl -- all of 18 or almost 19 -- who is yearning for the same love that she has to offer. Look at her bond with Ashwini and you'd know the ocean that is inside her. Look at her concern for Devyani, her respect for Shivani or for that matter her 'unacknowledged' mutual affection for Virat. But no one is allowed to breach that wall yet.
Her world revolved around her Aaba, who did not think twice before he jumped in to save her now-husband, Virat, from a bullet meant for him. Her Aaba's selfless act has left her orphaned but moreover, without a sense of belonging. Her question to Usha Maushi, "Kya main sabki museebat badhati hoon?" with a tear in the corner of her eye tugged my heart. Her dialogues today about everyone having left her alone stems out of her sense of lack of belonging. Yes, I believe he said it without meaning it as much in a moment of weakness and even came to fetch her but the damage has already been done.
Words cannot be taken back. An apology can only soothe the hurt but not erase it. Just as she had begun to call herself "parivaar ka hissa" albeit a temporary one, Virat, in his moment of vulnerability throws a "tum yahan zyada din nahi reh paogi... tumhara ravaiyya... main vaada nibha nahi paunga..." Sai, composed and unfazed, is willing to "free him" right away because to her, she DOES NOT belong here. She does not feel the sense of "belonging" with Virat yet. Sense of belonging: one of the most important human need, especially in coping with intensely painful emotions.
She has perhaps been the most vulnerable with Virat, never caring how she comes across and if he's judging her. It is because it seems that she does not really look for validation. But, at the back of her mind, his actions or silences have begun hurting her. For Virat, this (DIG warning) was the first time that he was vulnerable with Sai, letting go of his guard that he has all the time. In fact, it was the first time that he was actually vulnerable to anyone, unlike what we have seen before, speaking exactly what he felt, without giving it a second thought. All the rubbish that he spoke, whether he meant it or not (half of which did not even make sense), was direct to Sai --with eye contact. During the entire exchange of the hurtful comments between them, they forgot that PP even stood there with the matchstick (Like she was there even today, calm and calculated with her words with scissors sharp comments to add fuel to fire 🧟). It was their moment even in that fight. Yes, it did hurt her and it evoked exactly the response that the listening partner would have -- offence and criticism.
'Vulnerability' is a must for a healthy relationship but is often seen as a negative trait. In contrary to what we believe, being vulnerable is the first step towards being "one". Why is it that we struggle to open up to people? It is for the fear of rejection. We keep our emotions bottled up and protect ourselves from being embarrassed, criticised and judged. Vulnerability is letting go of that guard and exposing self in a manner that could possibly lead to feeling ashamed, letting out uncomfortable emotions and even facing rejection. But what the "vulnerability" does in the end, apart from hurting the other person, is that it ignites the connections in close relationships and often helps develop the true intimacy that it needs. Not everyone can see you behind the wall you build.
The most terrifying aspect of being vulnerable in front of a 'partner' is that the honest expression of insecurity, mistake, fear and flaws would push them to change their mind or think that the vulnerable one is unloveable. It often brings immediate criticism from the listening partner and even an emotional disconnection. But it is only when one overcomes the fear of being vulnerable that they can truly belong to each other in the most intimate way (not necessarily physical).
Sai has visibly been raised by Kamal Joshi with a great sense of belonging and sense of pride in her family, which is why she is so emotionally strong, self-assured, and able to deal with challenges and difficulties. Yet, life is a very long journey. With her Aaba -her world- now gone, she needs another such deep connection as every human does. The only other person, who can enter that space is her now-husband Virat.
But with Virat's thoughtless vaada between them, along with the knowledge that his heart belongs elsewhere, what would it take for him to bring down the walls that Sai has built around her?
Will Sai feel a sense of belonging ever?
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
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