Flipping on the side of the other side of the bed where the clock was no longer visible to my sight. Clutching the soaked shirt in my hand till no difference between the ending of me and the beginning of the cloth no longer remained. Filling the shirt up with more salt filled tears so that no corner no edge would cry out for being dry. It was completely drenched in tears as my heart was in misery.
Constricting my body to come closer in a fetal position as I wanted to be squeezed so this treacherous heart would no longer beat. This body would no longer breathe, and I would cease to exist. For this heart's reason to beat was lost in an endless abyss. The reason for single breathe was lost in oblivion. And my reason for existing was lost in a page in time. When I lost my life, when I lost the man I loved, the man I lived for, my husband Maan Singh Khurana.
Grasping onto the shirt in search of the scent that was washed away by my never ending tears, I snuggled in deeper embracing the memories, the thoughts, the happiness that was once attached to this simple piece of cloth. These small things that people would simply overlook in a heartbeat became my entire life, a reason for this heart to beat.
This was his favorite shirt, this had always been his favorite shirt, he even wore it when proposed to me, when he decided that we were going to be one, we were going to live together for eternity. Grow old together and watch our grand kids play while we rocked away on the porch talking about the good old day. This for me came just a little bit too soon, a little bit too soon'
Flashback'
I was angered by this man's audacity to come late on a date he set up. Pacing fevertly on the campus NAU as I waited for this idiotic man that I loved beyond the limits of this universe to come and pick me up.
Right now, the limits of this universe managed to diminish as the clock ticked by quickly and the sight of this man became nearly impossible to wait for.
After an hour I decided to give up.
I just now wished to return to my dorm and take a nice hot shower and sleep. But before I would, I most definitely planned to make a list of ways to annoy Maan, or ignore him, or avenge him. Hadn't decided...It could end up being all three.
Halfway to the bus stop that would lead me back to the dorms I caught a silver Mercedes Benz zoom and halt in front the stand in my peripherals.
Knowing who it was I decided to completely ignore the person and continue my rampage of hating him, for the moment.
"Geet..Geet. Come on. You seriously aren't mad at me, are you?" I heard him starting to catch up to me in hast. Ignoring his comment I sat down on the bench, waiting for the bus to come.
"I was only a'" he checked his watch, "hour late."
He faded off as it sunk in that he truly was late.
"But I have something planned for you that will blow your mind away!!!!"
He added more enthusiasm, but I turned my head as I continued to ignore him.
"Fine then, I will take Cindy with me instead. She does have a crush on me. And she is in my class, and I do frequently talk to her, so it won't come as a surprise. She will be so happy'.." he continued to talk into sky to infuriate me with jealousy. And it sure worked, even if it was for pretense.
I jumped off the seat and I ran over to him and clenched my hands around his neck and pretended to squeeze with all my might as I began my tantrum that he willingly heard, "Don't you dare talk about another girl in front of me Mr. Khurana. Or else, angry me will be the least of you worries and your life will seem more valuable than EVER!! I am the only who will be with you. I love you so much and don't you dare break my heart. Cause I don't know if I will be able to live after that'I love you to much Maan, beyond and reason and notion of time'"
I relinquished my hold on his neck and hugged him dearly close, "Don't you ever..." I continued to whisper that into his chest as I was drenching his shirt. I smelled some cologne on him and it lightened me up.
"I will never." He soothed my hair, "I love you to much too ever leave, in a million years. You are only mine, and will always be mine."
I came out of his chest and smiled a content smile, "But this date cant wait. I have everything set," he reached his back pocket and came out with a red bandanna and blinded me. I frowned at his.
"Why do you have to blind fold me? I cant see you anymore."
He chuckled at my innocent remark, but spoke no words.
He led me to the car and helped me get seated in.
Throughout the ride I pestered him about where we were going but all I got in response was, "You'll find out when you get there."
After a while I just stopped asking...
After what seemed like hours we finally stopped at our destination. He once again led me out of the car and dragged me very carefully and stopped me. My anxious heart was beating fervently as the place depicted intoxication.
I could not pinpoint the place but it seemed very familiar.
I felt him cuddle my back and his hands unfastened the blindfold and went around my waist.
My eyes fluttered open as the scene in front of my came into view. It was the most gorgeous sight that only a few people can behold. It spoke of purity and sheer natural beauty. The colors and the hue ness in the sky were just perfect.
"Do you like it?" Maan spoke to me as he rested his chin on my shoulder almost neck line. I raised my arms and held on to his head and pulled it closer as I closed my eyes as his feather like kisses scorched the skin on my neck, "It truly is beautiful," whispered as the kisses weren't stopping and it was intoxicating me to a very drastic extent.
His hands around my waist loosed and I was displeased but then he slowly turned my body around so that I was facing him.
I gazed into his eyes of sincerity and my heart rose to new profound levels. The butterflies that I haven't felt in years in my stomach once again returned. I knew something was going to happen. He caressed my cheeks and pulled back a few loose strands of hair behind my ear. I once gain closed my eyes and I felt movement around me. Opening my eyes I noticed that Maan was on the ground on one knee.
My hearted leaped a thousand hurtles, and the butterflies began to fly around and I was in state of perplexity that was filled with complete joy.
"Geet Handa. From the day I meet you, I fell in love. Seeing you cross the campus and everyday made me jump. Seeing you sit in front of me contented me. And when I finally asked you out, and you said yes, Heaven reached Earth. And I knew that nothing better could happen. I was with the woman I loved. Through the bad, the good, I was going to be with you till forever died out. Loving you was all I knew and nothing can surpass it. Even your tantrums, your moments of intelligence or pure idiocy. The perfect 'o' shape that you lips take in when you are shocked, the fluttering of your eyes, the blush on your cheeks, and even you horrendous face after you have a hangover. I love to all. So Miss Geet Handa, will you become Mrs. Geet Maan Singh Khurana?"
Gazing into his eyes full of anxiety and happiness the butterflies flew away and my heart flushed me once again. I blushed and simply nodded because words had no more place and if I spoke my voice would sound horrible due to my tears of happiness that threatened to fall...
But that was all that he needed. He rose up quickly and spun me around in mid air as I giggled away and controlled the tears. He stopped and longed at me longingly. I crashed my lips onto his. Fire was released and we kissed and the sun settled and darkness came over.
"Forever and always?" I asked in the kiss.
"Forever and always." He answered'
Forever and always. It seemed very short now, it was never long. They were just empty words spoken to fill us with happiness. Forever and always would never happen. But was I stupid enough to fall for it, and still do?
Than why do I wait everyday at night staring at the door for him to enter the house and say that it was all a prank? To see how much I loved him? Am I so stupid to always set a dinner for two expecting him to walk down the stairs and say that he was busy with some office work? Am I crazy for leaving the bathroom door open before the shower expecting him to be sneaking glances at me when I come out?
Am I really that naive, will I always be this stupid.
Am I going to always sleep on the side of the bed I hate, cause it has his perfect scent engrained. To wish that he would come in and yell at me for sleeping here cause I fought for that other spot with all my life...
Flashback...
It was our suhaag raat and I was decked up as the pride of great honor thanks to Dadima and her excess 'gifts'.
Adrenaline ran through my entire body as the thoughts of what would happened tonight ran through my mind and my heart immediately responded and made me blush and get embarrassed.
I heard a click at the door and my breathe went shallow and my body jittered. I left the entrance to the balcony and went to the bed and laid down, not knowing what should happen next?
"Geet, that is my side of the bed," I heard him grunt as he sat on the bed himself.
Ignored his petty comment but than I felt his hand around my waist and his head was resting upon mine. Thousands of volts ran through my entire system at a simple touch of this.
"Geet. This is my spot," he spoke more softly.
"Really, cause I don't see your name written here," I sarcastically answered him.
He grabbed me and pulled me under him. His arms rested on my side and I attempted to push him away but he grasped my wrists and than entangled his fingers with mine.
"Maan. What are you doing?" I asked more calmly.
"Nothing. Just looking at my beautiful, innocent wife stealing my spot."
"Please Maan, we are married. It is us now."
"It can be us all the time, but I really like this spot."
"But you will never have it."
"Really." His eyes gleamed mischief and I was in trouble and since we were married we no longer had limits.
He let go of my hands and began to caress my open waist. Making intricate designs and seducing me by going close to my naval. He leaned in and became to kiss my neck. I moved my head away for his own access.
The kisses set me ablaze. I grasped his hair and pushed him closer. I felt his lips curve up to simle. His hands were working on taking my choli off. He gently but erotic bit my flesh and left his mark but he continued to work his way down to my chest and I couldn't help but moan, "Maan."
This one moan set him on fire. Passion and love were in his eyes. A deadly combo.
"So my spot'"
"Will be mine," I declared and his eyes gazed intently at me, "But tomorrow will be the final verdict, cause tonight I don't expect us to sleeping, at all"
I was embarrassed at my own comment and hid my face into his neck and he began to chuckle and continued to show his love for me...
What I would do for him to yell at me? To simply yell at me and scream for taking his spot for all these months. I would take his angered voice if I couldn't simply hear his voice. Just another moment, another second will do. Just to hear that sweet melodious voice ring in my ears one last time. To make this heart hear it to simply make it stop hurting. I hated this pain, I just couldn't take it no more. I wanted to end my self, take my misery away.
Take me to my Maan, but fate hated me. Not only did it take my Maan away but our symbol of love as well...
Fate was merciless and I had to face it...All alone Maan, all alone Maan...
Flashback
"Geet, I think we should have a baby."
He again decided to bring the baby topic up. When would he give up?
"Okay, why don't YOU go get one." I continued to read my magazine without glancing at him.
"Come on Geet. This takes two people to work. Not one," I continued to ignore him, "But I do think the next door neighbor will be willing to help'"
"WHAT?!?!" I threw the magazine on the ground, "Please repeat yourself Mr. Khurana."
"I said, that my wife will have to help," he diverted his eyes from mine. He was scared, and he better be.
"Good. And what will I get out of this Mr. Khurana," I decided to play around with him.
"Well Mrs. Khurana." He pulled me up and made me settle on his lap, "You will give birth to beautiful baby GIRL and I love her and adore till the ends of the world. We will always be together. We will pull pranks on you, annoying you, have masti. Everything."
"Pranks, and annoy you. That's very nice Mr. Khurana. Mein mar jaogi tab dekhna--."
Maan's hands covered my mouth and he was sad at my remark that I made for a simple conversation's sake, "Never say that, I'll never be able to live without you. You will never leave me!?!"
He tightened his hold and I realized I took it to far, and I had to make up for it.
"But Maan, how do we make babies?" I asked innocently.
Maan caught on to where I was headed, "Why don't I show you, Mrs. Khurana."
He leaped up with me in his arms and started to dash for the stairs to our room'
Why did you leave me Maan? You said you cant live without me, but did you think that I cant live without you. Did it ever matter?
Everyday I die to see a you rather than a picture from a photo album. To hear you voice rather than a recording. To hear your thoughts rather than assuming them. Everyday Maan, I miss you so much that this heart has a unattainable hole. Seeing this bed half empty, your plate full, your car never used, everything is here but you. The only thing I need to survive. But all I have is stilled photographs and videos of the past to haunt and fulfill me for the time being.
I no longer have our baby to live for. I guess she liked her daddy more than her mommy. That's why she left me to stay with you, right? She doesn't like her mommy, no one likes her mommy. Right after you left, she decided she had to go to. She didn't once think about what her mommy will go through. Did you think about that Maan? Did you?
Flashback
Running through the corridors of the hospital as I frantically looked for room number 413.
Finding the room was easy but entering it was a whole other quest. I swallowed my tears and entered the room.
I plastered a smile on my face as I saw Maan looking pale, a bandage around his head and his entire body distorted.
"Maan, what is this? I am the one pregnant and you are lying down? This is not right."
"Geet..."
"When you get better, you better watch you self Mr. Khurana. My mood swings are going to be one hell of ride for you."
I started to tamper with everything around the room to avoid looking at him.
"Listen Geet..."
"No. When you get better, I better get everything I want. And when she is born, she better get everything she wants. And you are going to give her that..."
"Geet I don't have'"
I whipped around to expose my tear stained face and my disheveled face.
"Don't you dare say it. Don't you dare! You are going to stay here with me. Forever and ALWAYS, god dam it. I don't care what the doctors say. You are MINE! You PROMISED!!!!"
"Its not my choice, I want to stay..."
"Who is he to decide? To mess with our lives, huh? He has no choice in this, you are MINE! Nothing will ever happen to you! Together forever," I frantically came to him and started to caress his hair and cup his cheeks, "Our baby Maan, wont she want to see her Daddy, right? Than he cant do this. We will have our beautiful daughter and you will be there. IN the delivery with me, holding my hand."
'GEET!" he shouted at me, "I don't have time. I don't have it'Im going to die."
"NOOO. You can leave me Maan. What am I going to do all alone. Huh. You cant do this do me. Your promises, our vows, this baby. No. This cant happen. You are staying with me."
"Forever."
"Forever."
I laid my head on his chest and entangled how finger together as we both fell into a deep slumber waiting for the sun's rays to awaken us for the truth to come out.
As the rays touched me I opened my eyes and saw Maan still sleeping. I shook him gently but he did not respond, "Jaanu. Please wake up, nah. Its morning. The nurse will come soon."
No response came from Maan. It was like him to not respond to me, "Come on Maan."
Silence.
"This isn't funny."
Dead Silence.
"MAAN!!!" I shook him violently dying to see his eyes. Those eyes that only looked at me. Reality began to set in, "NOOO' this isn't fair. You cant do this. This is cheating. You cant leave me Maan, you cant leave me. WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT!?!"
"Come on Maan, this is to much. Just wake up, and I will forgive you. No yelling, no silence treatment, no anger, no annoyance. Just wake up. Open your eyes. I wont say anything to you."
I shaking him lead me no where and I soon clasped on his chest.
A sudden pull, pulled me off, and I noticed that it was the nurse.
"I'm sorry. We couldn't save him." she spoke to me in a rehearsed speech. I pushed her away and went to look at him.
They put the cloth over his face and where ready to wheel him out. I pulled the cloth down.
"Maan. Just wake up. It will all be over. Come on. You cant leave. Just stop it. You can do this. Okay. Just get up'.."
The nurse once again took me off and they wheeled him off. Away from my sight once again. The truth was coming and couldn't take it.
"MAAANNN." I yelled to the Gods above, if they were listening, as I collapsed on the floor and darkness caved in.
I opened my eyes to see a nurse in my room. She noticed me awake, "I'll get the doctor."
Ignored her comment and looked for Maan knowing that he will never be here, ever again. Silent tears came down my eyes. I reached for stomach, where our baby. Maan's baby would reside. I was happy knowing I had someone to live for'
The doctor came in with a very composed face.
"Mrs. Khurana. I'm sorry. The stress and your anxiety proved fatal for you baby. And this early in the pregnancy anything could happen. I'm sorry. You lost your baby."
My eyes closed and all I could see is Maan walking taking all my happiness, taking my baby away with him. Tears once again tell down my cheeks. Would fighting help me? I didn't now the answer I just stayed quiet, as all the happiness around me vanished in a simple second.
Everything was out of reach, everything was gone. Including you both. I didn't know what to do. I continued my normal days in sorrow. Thoughts of joining you came to mind but you would be mad at me, right? I couldn't take that. I wanted to be with you the right way.
But that doesn't mean that I will stop loving you Maan. If this heart still has the power to beat it is because of your love. If this breathes can still breathe it is because of you Maan. And if I am living, it is because of you Maan.
I am going to love you forever, 'till forever dies' like you say Maan. Even if that is going to take a long, long time.
Clutching your shirt harder I raise up from the bed and remove my shirt and wore it. Cuddling it tighter than ever. Than I stared at the blank spot next to me and simply decided to look away.
So I turn to the clock not knowing what else to do. A lone tear escapes my eye as I noticed that it was only 1:42...
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I am afaird to ask...How was it?????
Did you like it...
I know that it was sad.. but not everything has a happy ending. Just wanted to show that...Hope that you like it or hate. Some emtion was evoked at least!
PLEASE COMMENT OR HIT THE LIKE BUTTON OR BOTH...
I really do love to read comments...Please...even if you hated it!! criticism welcome. EDITED...Lots of Errors...
Love
Isha
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MY OTHER WORK: HEART'S SCRIBE
