Part 18
Kya karein, kya na karein
The idea that only two days had passed since the day of the engagement ceremony was positively ludicrous. But so it was, that it had only been an incredibly short span of time, in which Arnav had ventured through that vast spectrum of emotions.
These ridiculous mental acrobatics of jumping from one conflicting emotion to the next, had begun even before his cathartic meeting with Khushi by the poolside.
When he had learnt that she probably liked Akash, he had resolved to ignore and avoid her, but at the same time, he had also felt irresistibly drawn towards her despite his best efforts. He had been unable to stop himself from springing to rescue her from the arranged marriage that her family was imposing on her, but had subsequently had to fight a losing battle against the niggling thought that he had done it for himself more than for her. During the ceremony, he had wanted to throw things at Akash, but amidst all the irrational anger and burning jealousy that he had felt, he had also felt a great sense of despondency. He had wanted to hate Khushi too for making him feel so frustrated and powerless, by falling for his cousin, no less. But she was impossibly difficult to hate. And so he had fallen back on hating himself instead for gazing at the way her eyes danced and sparkled, at the way her smile lit up her face...
And then, came the poolside meeting, and the glorious moment when the missing pieces of the puzzle began to manifest, when he realised that Khushi liked him, when he finally felt that infernal weight lift itself from his heart as he told her how he felt. It was a moment whose mere memory caused his insides to be suffused with a warm glow. The feel of her lips lingered on his, making him smile ever so often.
Predominantly, he felt happiness bursting within him, soaking into every pore of his body.
At the same time, however he was also assailed by myriad questions, those questions that had been etched in Khushi's eyes. He did not want to be unfair towards her, he desperately wanted to be completely truthful. And yet, what was the truth? In that moment, everything seemed perfect. But who was to know if it would last?
"Chhote?"
Arnav looked up, startled. He had been so engrossed in his thoughts that he had not even heard Anjali walk into his room and sit next to him on his recliner.
"Di, when did you come?"
"When you were lost in your thoughts of Khushiji," she said, smiling.
"What - no - I wasn't - I mean -"
"You can't lie to me."
Arnav looked away guiltily. He had lied to her before, when he had only been pretending that he was in a relationship with Khushi.
"You love her, don't you?" Anjali asked.
"I don't know," Arnav replied honestly, before he could stop himself. He was tired of the lies.
"Of course you do. I can see it in your eyes. I could not earlier, but now I can."
"I do, but I am scared, Di. We are engaged now and I guess the logical next step is marriage. But I am scared. I don't want to hurt her. She's... very special."
"She is. Why do you think you would hurt her though?"
Arnav hesitated for a moment, and then lowered his head into his sister's lap... He was instantly transported back to the good old days, and how close they were before he had become caught up with his stubborn drive for success and the hustle and bustle of city life. He knew that she would probably not understand, but he needed to speak to someone, suffocated as he felt, by the tangle of emotions and questions. It was a tough battle to fight alone, and his sister, for all her traditional outlook, was, after all, the person who had been his indomitable pillar of strength after their parents had passed away.
"I get bored easily, Di," he said, "I have this constant thirst for new things, new experiences. It's why I love traveling and the adrenaline rush that I get from adventure sports. And in general, I think that all these romantic relationships lose their spark at some point, they sour away. I think that we may both lose interest in one another and begin to maintain the relationship merely because of social conventions."
Anjali tried to hide her disappointment. She was deeply religious and the belief that marriages were sacred, was one that her life revolved around. Even though her husband, Shyam, was often away for business, she had full faith in the power of the bond that they shared. A bond that would endure despite the distances, and for lifetimes to come. Her faith in what her brother termed as "mere social conventions" is what kept her from withering away.
"Does Khushiji feel the same?" she asked sadly.
"No. She is a much more emotional person and very idealistic when it comes to love. And yet, she understands me, my apprehensions, my cynicism. I don't know what to do, Di. I can't change who I am."
"Would you have to change who you are, if, like you said, she understands you so well?"
"But with time, I would feel that I should change, to be the person who would be ideal for her."
"If she felt that you should change, why would she have fallen in love with you?"
Arnav said nothing as he pondered over her words. Khushi had never tried to change him. It could not have been easy for her to step back and ask him to take his time to figure out what he wanted. Her voice had been trembling, and he could clearly see that she had been trying to fight back her tears. But she had done it for him, because she did not want to become the source of his unhappiness. Could a person who cared for what he wanted, so selflessly, ever want him to change against his will?
Besides, Khushi was not like the overly emotional women that he usually avoided. She was strong, independent and self-assured. He knew that she would remain focused on her ambitions and not limit her existence to making him happy and in return, demanding and nagging that he do the same for her. She was fervently emotional, yes, but not in a way that made her lose sight of practicalities. After all, while he had been happily reminiscing about their kiss, she was the one who had brought up the fact that he might not be ready to commit.
And the best part was, that she was his friend, his best friend, the person who understood him perhaps better than he did himself. Above and beyond everything else, their friendship is what defined the bond that they shared. Surely, their friendship would endure, even if one day, their relationship lost its spark, so to speak.
"You're right, I don't think she would want me to change," Arnav mumbled thoughtfully.
Anjali smiled.
"You know, Chhote, when people supposedly change themselves for love, they do it almost automatically. You don't have to feel guilty that you cannot change yourself for her. You may not have realised this, but you have already begun to change, in many small ways."
"Have I?"
"You have. I have begun to see more of my Chhote behind the grandeur of ASR. You have begun to express yourself more frequently. There's nothing wrong in changing oneself out of one's own volition. Without even intending to, you have changed, as you have grown to care for Khushiji. She too has changed as she has begun to understand and accept who you are. In the same way, some small changes will occur now and then, as you continue to adjust to each other."
"Maybe you're right. But will I be able to keep her happy?"
"The very fact that you asked that question, that you are worried about being able to make her happy, leaves no doubt in my mind that you will. Let go of your fears, Chhote. It's time to take that leap of faith."
"Where do I find faith from?" Arnav asked, sighing, "I'm not like you, Di. I just don't know how you do it."
"You will find it," she replied simply as she ruffled his hair affectionately.
She knew that there would come a time when he would feel as though he was at one end of a ravine, watching his Khushi stand at the other edge. At that point, the distance would be so unbearable, that he would feel a burning desire to make the leap.
A part of her wanted to be the unyielding elder sister that she usually was to him - a role that she had been forced into since their parents' untimely demise. She wanted to forcefully shake sense into him, and sermonise him on what was right.
But something stopped her. Maybe it was because of what Shyamji had tried to explain to her for years - that Chhote was no longer a child. Or maybe it was the fact that after so long, her Chhote was confiding in her again, and she did not want him to drift away again. Or maybe, it was because as protective as she was when it came to her brother, she felt very strongly that Khushiji would be the one to drive all of Chhote's cynicism away.
...
Khushi was most ardently grateful that her play had been scheduled for that week. She had been kept so busy with the preparations, that it was difficult to find time to obsess over whether she had done the right thing by, in a way, pushing Arnav away.
It had seemed right at that point to give him the space and time to introspect.
But she could not help but wonder - what if the distance that she had herself injected into their relationship, at such an early stage, only drove him towards taking the easier way out? She wanted him to fight his doubts, to fight for her, but by backing out so fast, had she inadvertently made it seem like she did not really care either way? Maybe she should have been with him as he tried to figure out if he was ready for a relationship.
She thought back at the moment when he had told her that he loved her, and felt herself blush profusely as he remembered how he had so tenderly brought his lips closer to her and -
And now, perhaps, and by her own fault too, there never would be any such blissful moments of sheer perfection. She had voluntarily chosen to make everything all complicated and messy. And now she would soon be back to becoming his "buddy," and would constantly long for him as he, oblivious to how deeply she loved him, would probably carry on with his life as it had been previously.
She rebuked herself out of the depressing thoughts. If, after she had asked him to take his time, he had not immediately professed that he had no doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, it was only because he could not be dishonest towards her by denying that he had apprehensions. And so it would be unfair of her to even think that he had not been truthful when he had told her that he loved her and that he had never felt that way about anyone. He did feel very strongly for her, and with time, one day, maybe he would find it possible to commit to her without any reservations.
Or not.
She sighed.
Deep inside, she did know that she had done the right thing. Arnav's happiness was paramount. And it's not like she had much of a choice after all. All she could do was wait. Indefinitely.
And as if she was not sufficiently busy with the play rehearsals, and the conflicting voices constantly battling it out in her head, she also had to deal with the over-excited voices outside of her head, as her family began the wedding preparations. Although Arnav and Arnav's family had said that the wedding would only take place after a year, her family firmly believed that there were thousands of things to prepare when there was a wedding in the family. It hardly mattered that they had been collecting sarees for Khushi's trousseau practically since the day she was born anyway. The mayhem and pandemonium were a must.
And to add to that, Lavanya and Akash had had a fight because of what a wuss he was, and Lavanya now spent all her time whining about her wuss of a boyfriend, as she swallowed scoop after scoop of ice cream.
"Khushi!" a stern voice interrupted her musings of the trying times she lived in. It was the play's director, the formidable and prolifically talented Anurag Chatterjee, whom everyone called Anurag Da.
"Sorry, Anurag Da," Khushi said sheepishly, and the old man walked away, muttering darkly about the irresponsible youngsters of today.
Easy for him to say, Khushi frowned. As if, at the age of 76, he would have any idea of what it was like to deal with the trials and tribulations of not-quite-so-unrequited love with an impossibly attractive commitment-phobic best friend.
Edited by whimsical - 9 years ago
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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