FF: D for Desire #5 (link to #6 added) - Page 48

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"What have you done to me, Arnav?"

"Exactly the same thing you have done to me, Baby."

The sudden endearment spread pleasing warmth across Khushi's heart as she could see the same passion reflected in Arnav's eyes. She moved her hands off his shoulders and placed on his back, holding him within a tight embrace. She rested her head on his chest and closing her eyes, she let her senses feel him through her every pore. She could smell him - a dizzying mix of some expensive cologne, aftershave and something uniquely him. She could hear his strong heart beat, making her every sense alert. She could feel his hands on her back, every up & down of his chest as he inhaled and exhaled and she felt like going more inside him, if that was possible.

Arnav was rather surprised with himself as he addressed her "baby" so spontaneously, something he had never done before and to be more specific, he had no idea he was capable of doing. But it felt so right and it made him feel so good to display his affection so openly. Arnav closed his eyes and felt her more within his hold. His hands tightened around her waist, hoping to get her more within him, to make her a part of himself.

A strange mix of feelings played between them as they both were burning with desire, needy for the other's touch and yet there was a warmth in their heart, making them wish to be in each other's hold like that .. to frame that moment and live it forever.

"Khushi .." Arnav murmured.

"Arnav .." Khushi reciprocated.

Arnav kissed her head and nuzzled through the hair. He smelled her in and as if in daze, he tilted his head on the right. He trailed down softly along the side of her head towards her neck, his eyes closed, his mouth and chin leisurely touching her. He could feel her shudder and moan softly; his body started to harden in response. Like every other time he was this close to her, his brain shut down; his body started responding and acting most instinctively, very much on its own accord. He brushed his lips against the bare skin of her neck and started to place feather light kisses. His hands came crawling up from her waist; the right hand pulled her closer by her nape and the fingers of the left hand went through her hair.

He bit her softly in the neck, twice, mirroring her actions only a few minutes ago. She threw her head back in response, her body arched, enticing him even more to assault her bare skin. Arnav's eyes travelled up and down her neck hungrily and soon the tip of his tongue touched her right collarbone.

"Ah .." Khushi's whole body convulsed as Arnav started drawing a moistened path along her neck, ascending from her collarbone towards her ear, as moistened as their shooting desire. He bit her earlobe and sucked it in as it caused him a detour along the journey. He had to hold her tighter as her body started to revolt and tried to move away to escape the sheer torture of pleasure. His tongue eventually found its way inside her ear, flicking in and out as it nursed the dips and curves of the ever abandoned cartilage.

Khushi kept twisting and moaning in his hold, her nails digging deeper inside the flesh of his back, scratching mercilessly. Her need to be savored and savor in return did not let her stand still. She pulled out his half tucked shirt and slid her hands inside. Her hands, desperate to take part in this frenzy of passion, finally found their way to his bare skin under his shirt. As her fingers touched the heated skin over his muscles, Arnav jerked from the sudden contact of her skin. He could feel the sensuous play of her fingers on his back as she created circles and ovals generously over the vast expanse of his back. He shifted his jugular assault on her from her right to her left as the heady feeling of desire skyrocketed.

In no time, his nose dipped into her cleavage and his tongue started drawing a new path uphill. He sucked in her chin which came midway and the next moment he had her lips locked with his. Khushi clung on to his lips desperately, as if to save herself from drowning. Their lips indulged into playing the games they had come to love - mouth to mouth, tongue to tongue - moans and munches, beats and bites. The flames of the burning desire started going higher as their bodies pushed against each other for closer contact, if it was possible - their fingers tickling with the need to remove the barriers.

Khushi broke the kiss only so that she could claim more of his as her own. She threw away her shoes and stepped on his bare feet. Her hands went around his nape and she bit his jaws, nuzzling lightly against his stubble. Arnav twisted his head vehemently and eventually arched back as Khushi carried her assault downward, from his chin to his chest, not leaving his neck unattended at all. She nuzzled over his bare chest and started leaving moist kisses briskly. Her teeth attempted to open another button of his shirt but her patience was not really in the best form right now. She left the button and attacked the toned muscle of his chest instead. Arnav groaned as her teeth suddenly sank deep into his flesh and a heady mix of pain & pleasure shot through his body, hardening him even more. He could feel her sucking his flesh, her teeth and tongue playing in unison with her lips.

The feral moans of Arnav thrilled Khushi so much that she continued her assault on him with more vigor. She pulled away from him giddily only to see the effect of her torture. The visual of his reddening skin made her lick her lips and she pounced on him hungrily, finding another spot to carry on her ministration.

"Khushi .." Arnav murmured with difficulty as her touches were making him lose all his senses.

"Hmm .." Khushi was hardly listening to him but made an instinctive response.

"Let's ..," Arnav swallowed and focused with difficulty to find the right words, "go to .. mm .. my room .."

"Hmm?" Khushi was too engrossed to listen or to care what he was saying.

"Let's .. go to my room .."

Let's go to my room.

It took a few seconds for her brains to process the words through the haze and made her realize the meaning of it as she was floating in a different world altogether. As his intention was finally registered with her, the effects were instant and varying.

Her body reacted vehemently to his invitation as she could feel something hot rapidly flowing south, from her lower abdomen to the meeting of her thighs, squeezing everything around in a way that made her feel moist with desire. The next instant, cold water was thrown over the delicious flames of her fiery passion, as her conscience reminded her of the reason of her being here, of the nature of their relationship right now.

Khushi's body froze as realization dawned on her. What the f**k was she doing?

In the next second, Khushi removed herself hastily from him and took a step back, still panting and recovering from the aftermath. Her eyes were downcast, her mind busy recapping the happenings of the last few minutes, her conscience chiding her for her promiscuity. Why the f**k couldn't she control herself around him?

Arnav could not understand why Khushi suddenly stepped away. His brain was still dazed, his body on fire.

"Khushi .." He took a step towards her with his arms open and inviting her, his voice hoarse with need.

Khushi looked up startled. As she could clearly read the need in his eyes, she took another step back. Guilt took over her as she figured she had been the one to allure him and now she was backing away.

"Arnav .." She fought with her words. "We .. we should have dinner."

Arnav stared at her, fighting the fogginess of his senses, making sense of her words. His arms were still open, still desperately hoping for the union. She was backing away. She was f**king backing away now. His head started to pound in a strange mix of need and rejection; his body still stiffened and yearning for more. He stared into her eyes and could clearly read the guilt, regret and fear there. His hands dropped on his sides immediately as he felt a poignant blow to his ego and heart. Why was she feeling this way?

The two feet distance between them suddenly started to seem larger than it really was.

Arnav closed his hands into tight fists and he closed his eyes too in a desperate attempt to control the wanton need. He could feel the throbbing pain increasing obstinately, extremely frustrated with the lack of physical contact. But the sting of rejection was stronger and far stronger was that look of regret in her eyes. Why was she still denying?

Arnav turned with his back towards her. Khushi could see his stiffened shoulders and tried to think of doing or saying something to relax him. He was clearly frustrated and the only one to blame here was herself. Could she deny the frustration she felt too?

When Arnav turned towards her, his face was composed.

"I should have asked you to take a seat," his voice was restrained.

"It's okay," Khushi tried to smile.

Arnav did not smile back.

"Please take a seat. I will call for dinner."

Arnav swiftly walked away from her and disappeared into another room adjoining to the hall. Khushi stood fidgeting with her dupatta, allowing her heartbeat to calm down, her blood flow to regularize, her body to settle. She tentatively looked for the washroom and found it on one end of the hall. When she was out, Arnav was already back in the room, his body relaxed, face calm and normal.

"Dinner will be served any moment," he gave her a small smile.

Khushi smiled back, relieved that the awkwardness was fading.

"Let's take our seats."

Khushi nodded and followed Arnav as he gestured her and walked away. Soon they stepped into the adjoining terrace. It was open, overlooking the lush gardens of Sheesh Mahal, of modest size with low railings, plants and vines evident everywhere giving it a serene look with the thoughtfully done lighting. A table for two was impeccably laid near the railing, a lone candle burning in the middle with flicking flames. Arnav drew a chair for her and she took her seat. As Arnav sat opposite to her, they smiled at each other.

"I hope it does not rain," Arnav eyed the leisurely clouded night sky and unfolded the napkin.

"I would not mind!" Khushi's face lit up with the thought of having rain in this beautiful setup. She scanned the environment curiously, the folded napkin still intact in her hand.

Arnav smiled and sat back, enjoying her excitement. She still intrigued him. A lot. She was a zealous child sometimes. Sometimes a full grown woman. And sometimes she was outright professional. Every side of her mesmerized him, made him appreciate her traits, skills and passion. She was still the enigma that had beguiled him. She was still the same puzzle that he had wanted to solve. He still wanted to solve her mystery and despite all the frustration and rejection involved, he still wanted to give it a try - to have her with him, to have her as his.

A few minutes later a group of three came to serve them the dinner. Khushi's eyes widened as she eyed the items. Two of the waiters left after the table was ready and one stood waiting afar for instruction.

"Indian?" Khushi sounded surprised and impressed.

"I figured you would prefer Indian over anything else."

Khushi smiled generously in response and took the first bite of the kebab from her plate. She closed her eyes as she relished the kebab melting in her mouth and she moaned. Arnav chucked seeing her enjoying her food. He thanked himself for coming up with the right idea and took his first bite.

"God! I am hungry," Khushi whined and took another bite.

Arnav chuckled again as she dived into her food and kept chewing religiously, without uttering a word. He could hardly chew down four or five bites by the time Khushi had already finished half of her plate.

"Ah! I feel better now," she declared all satisfied.

"You are done already?" Arnav asked surprised.

"Arrey no! But the mice in my stomach are rested now."

Arnav shook his head in amusement and continued eating.

"Can I get anything to drink? Except for water?"

Arnav gestured the waiter to come and Khushi ordered a lassi for her. By the time her lassi was served, Khushi had already finished her meal. As the waiter cleaned up her plate, she relaxed in her seat and started sipping the lassi between munching the juicy, crispy jalebis. It had been a wonderful meal and Khushi had to admit that she was rather impressed with Arnav's effort.

Arnav was watching her with great amusement as she kept on devouring the strange mix of Jalebi & Lassi. Pagal.

"How come you finished your meal so early today?" Arnav asked, his eyes dancing with humor.

"I was hungry," Khushi replied sipping her lassi.

"You should eat slower, you know. Someone told me it helps with digestion. Looks like you are missing the train today."

Khushi looked up startled and saw the playfulness in his eyes.

" .. And what is with eating so fast? Can't you eat a little slow?"

"And waste time on something so silly as food? Nope."

Khushi did not hide her disapproval and made a face.

"If you eat a little slower, it would not really matter much. And your food will be digested better too."

"Thanks for your concern, Khushi but I have a pretty good metabolism."

Arnav started to get up after finishing the water but had to stop.

"Haww!! At least wait till I finish! Gaadi chhoot rahi hai kya?"

Blush crept up Khushi's cheeks and also the fondness of the memory made her smile. What a night that was! The game .. the dinner .. and the ..

"You remember!" She murmured.

"I remember everything about us, Khushi," Arnav replied casually.

Khushi uncomfortably felt the reality again came crashing on her. Things were not easy between them. This casual dinner was far away from what was really brewing. Why was she fighting it? Why was she trying to forget it? Why was she trying to behave as if everything were normal between them? She was here for a reason. Then why was she trying to run away from it?

Khushi cleared her throat.

"Arnav .."

"Yes?"

"What did you want to talk about?"

Arnav stopped for a second as he stared into her eyes and then started chewing again.

"You want to talk now?"

"Shouldn't we?"

Arnav nodded, knowing there was no point avoiding or delaying the discussion anymore. It was his decision to talk and he better stick to it. He put down the fork and took a sip of water.

"Let's go and sit over there," he wiped his mouth clean with the napkin and pointed to the garden swing in one corner of the terrace. The corner was dimly lit, the swing looked comfy with the heaps of cushions.

Khushi stood up and followed Arnav as he helped her get up. She sat on the swing and pushed it back a little. As it started swinging slowly, she smiled and spread her legs forward. Arnav was still standing, watching her with a slight smile adorning his face.

"I love swings," she explained with a smile.

Arnav smiled back and stopped the swing by his hands. He settled himself on her right and pushed it back so that it started to swing again.

"My mom loved swings," Arnav said staring into the sky. "This swing used to be in the terrace of her room."

"Is it your mom's?" Khushi looked at him surprised.

"Yes. I got it moved here, after the renovation. I fell asleep on this many nights .. on mom's lap .. "

Khushi watched his face with concern. His eyes were set afar; he seemed lost somewhere.

"I am sure she is watching you right now. And she would want you to smile and enjoy your time."

Arnav smiled, his eyes still fixed on to the horizon.

"You really think she has turned into a star?"

Khushi remembered she had told him about her parents - about them residing in the sky now.

She smiled.

"Yes, I believe so, Arnav. It is all about what you believe."

Arnav sighed.

"I wish I had met you before, Khushi. I wish you had told me this before .. .."

Khushi took his left hand within her hold and clasped the fingers tightly. His voice was leveled; no one could read his emotions. But Khushi had known him better by now.

"It is never too late. You cannot change your past but you can make your present better."

Arnav sighed again. He wished what she was saying was as easy for him. The damage was too deep; the scars were too ugly. He had been fighting the ghosts for 15 years now and the nightmares were still the same - vivid & horrifying.

"You wanted to know why I don't believe in marriage .."

"Yes .. but .."

"You said there was nothing to talk about between us .. until I tell you why I don't believe in marriage .."

"It can wait, Arnav .." Khushi tightened her hold on his hands, alarmed and aware.

Arnav turned his face to see her and then again fixed his gaze on the horizon.

"From the time I have understood what marriage is, all it meant to me was two people always fighting among themselves. There was hardly any day when my parents would not fight. They would both argue equally and my father had a bad temper. He would end up throwing and breaking things and many a times he would leave the house and would not return at night. As I grew up, I realized they hardly could agree on anything. Their views were poles apart. It is not that my father was always wrong. My mom too got impatient around him."

Arnav felt her fingers tightening around his and he too tightened his hold.

"I was not close to my dad because he always had remained distant. Di was not very close to him either. But my mom was the centre of our universe. I think we were partial to her when they fought, but there was nothing dad did, that could make us stand by him."

Arnav paused and swallowed in an attempt to wash down the bitter taste of the memories. It was not easy for him to actually talk about the past, he did not even want to remember. Yet he had to do it. For his sake. For her sake.

"Things got worse when allegations were raised against dad for harassing one of his female employees. A colleague of the victim filed a case against him and things got really dirty. The nature of fights between my parents changed. Even my mom started to turn more violent. I think .. she started to lose her sanity .."

Khushi could clearly see the lines of his face and she knew he was fighting with himself. She knew he was in pain and this conversation was tormenting him more than she could feel. She wished she had not asked to know.

"Arnav .. do you want to talk about something else?"

"No," Arnav swallowed. "Mom started to detach herself from everything and started keeping herself locked in her room. What his lack of affection did not do to her, his betrayal did. It killed her from within. She stopped talking .. she could not even recognize us at times. One day .. she jumped off her terrace .. .. we found her hours later .. .. in the garden .. .. among her rose plants .. .."

Khushi could not take it anymore and felt a lump in her throat. She did not want to listen and she felt she had been cruel even to ask him to explain. Now she wanted to shut him up somehow, to erase those painful memories from his heart. She placed her other hand on top of their joined hands.

"Arnav .." she wanted him out of his painful reminiscence; she wanted him to stop.

"The same day dad died in a car accident," Arnav continued, his voice and face nonchalant; but his eyes distant and pained. "He did not even get the news that mom was already gone. Di's alliance had already broken by then because of the case against dad."

"I wish I was there with you .." was all Khushi could murmur.

"So do I .. now."

They sat like that with their hands intertwined, as the swing slowly swayed.

Arnav was lost in his past and was thinking how he finally managed to talk about it for the first time in fifteen years. Only because of you, Khushi. Only for you.

Khushi wanted to apologize to Arnav for making him remember the bitter memories. It was clearly shattering for him to talk about it and she knew it was because of her only, he had done it. Sorry, Arnav, I didn't know.

"Di fell in love with someone years later," Arnav started speaking again after minutes of silence. "They got married and we were so happy for her. All we saw when they were together was a match only made for each other. Two years later, one day Di came back to Shantivan and never went back. Shyam sent her divorce papers and Di too signed it without a word. Di never talked about it even though all of us tried. Few months later Shyam left India and a year later he got married to another woman in Canada. We still don't know what happened and Di has clearly told us that she doesn't want to get married again. At least, not now."

Khushi sat shocked as she digested the truth about Anjali. She visualized Anjali's calm and beautiful face and realized she had failed to see beyond that smiling face.

"Anjali di .." she stammered. "I .. I had no idea .."

"I know," Arnav smiled sadly. "We have not seen her shed a single tear. And we still don't know what happened."

Khushi sat silently, trying to step into Anjali's shoes and what she might have gone through. How could she remain silent about it all these years? Without sharing with anyone? Khushi sighed. Anjali was, in the end, Arnav's sister.

"And now there is Maami," Arnav shook his head.

"What about her?" Khushi asked warily.

"Maami has stayed home being both a mother and a father to Akash when Mama was busy expanding his business. She gave away everything so that he could start his business. After twenty years of marriage, Mama decided he had never loved Maami. He came home with another woman who he claimed was the love of his life. Nani renounced him right then, right there. He too never came back as he divorced Maami and married the other woman. Nani did not let Maami leave and she is now the daughter of the house, not the daughter-in-law anymore. I can never forget her face, Khushi, when Mama stood in front of her, holding the hand of that woman .."

Khushi swallowed as she remembered the loudly adorned woman, who reminded her of a rainbow penguin. As colorful she was outside, she must be only that pale inside. And then she remembered the decent, smiling face of Akash Singh Raizada. The tears she was fighting for so long threatened to spill as she suddenly realized how gloomy and lonely the world of Arnav Singh Raizada was. Two orphans, one widow, two divorcees .. a son abandoned by his dad for another woman, a lonely widow whose only daughter killed herself and the only son she had renounced herself .. and then there is this man who had been trying to keep his family together against all odds.

Why life was so cruel?

"Arnav .. I .." Khushi felt choked.

"Don't pity me, Khushi. Not you," Arnav said painfully.

"I will never, Arnav," Khushi said sincerely.

They sat silently staring at the sky - one lost in the misery of his life and the other feeling his miseries as her own. Life was not always fair. But for some it was just too much to bear.

"I have lost my faith in many things, Khushi," Arnav said slowly. "I still see no reason to have my faith back. But .. the way I feel about you .. I have never felt about anyone. I don't know what it is, but .. you mean more to me in two weeks than anyone ever has meant in years or decades. I .. but I am scared it will not be the same if we get married .. ever. What we have between us is .. something I always wanted to have. It is perfect .. and wonderful .. and precious. And I fear we would lose it the moment we make it formal. I .. I .. just don't want to take that chance .."

Khushi sighed. She had had no idea how deep his lack of faith ran. And now that she knew, she realized it was unfair to ask him to change his mind just like that. He had a lot to overcome and the journey was not going to be easy. She had lost her parents at a much younger age but love had saved her. She had grown up amongst love and warmth, experiencing family bonding, seeing how beautiful the world could be. And all this man had seen was relationships falling apart - the cruelty and meaninglessness of life. How difficult it must be for him to come around.

Khushi shifted herself closer to him and brought their intertwined hands near her mouth.

"Arnav, I love you," she kissed his hand. "And I want you to love me .."

"May be I do .." Arnav turned his face towards her, his eyes tormented and confused.

Khushi smiled.

"We all are scared of losing Arnav. But one day you will get past that fear. And despite the possibility of things getting wrong, you would want to marry me .. That is the day you will know you love me."

She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, sending a silent prayer to the greater power.

"And I will wait for that day."

-Reviewed By: Ritz (iritz)