Chapter 28: In the heartland of serenity
He patted his back for the thirty seventh time that week for packing his passport when he left the house a year and half ago. It was supposed to be a break from life – his life and all the people encompassing it for couple of months but it was already nineteen months and he still hadn't found what he was looking for. His travels had taken him to northern parts of India where mysticism reigned and reality hopelessly fought wars against faith. He had decided to up his travel a little by taking the Kailash pilgrimage and one of the destinations had brought him…here. Manasa Sarovar looked majestic blue under midday sun and he fell on his back ignoring the looks he received from other pilgrims; they had been here for two days and for the entirety of two days, Arnav hadn't spoken a word with anyone or socialized and had sat in front of the lake and stared at it. The sky was brilliant blue with white patch of clouds here and there, mountains bordered on one side of the horizon while the lake glittered gloriously in front of him. He closed his eyes as the breeze ruffled his hair and chilled his bone. His mind ran the conversations he had had with Suman – his only contact to the life he had left.
Besides Suman, he hadn't talked to anyone or had anyone had made a contact with him. There were times when Suman slipped and chatted amicably about things around her life which included half his friends. A chill had settled in his spine when he heard about Anjali's son Arav who was having adjustment difficulties and was getting help from Lavanya who was now working on her first young-adult novel after handing over orphanage responsibilities to Payal. In one statement, Suman had cleverly delivered summary of what his friends and family had been moving on and leaving Khushi out of it purposefully. Arnav had requested her to not explain him anything about his friends or family unless he specifically asked for it. Suman waited patiently for him to ask a question about Anjali at least, his sister but no questions had come. Every now and then she slipped tiny details in middle of conversation and Arnav pretended to ignore.
The calm lake invited him in its embrace but he knew better; he smiled at it dimly and allowed the thoughts to freely take control of his heart and mind. It was in that moment of self-induced loneliness where a thought was born and slowly started to take shape. He wondered if he could stay here forever and not go back. He could become a monk and forgo his fortune, family and friends and lead an uncomplicated life of an ascetic. It wasn't his past or things happened to him that was driving him to this insane conclusion but the intense affliction he suddenly felt towards nature and…God. In his loneliness, he had had many dialogues with God. He felt the tension residing for several years in his shoulders and spine slowly leaving the body as the air from lake caressed him gently. His thoughts were void of people and their materialistic associations, which were strange as his mind worked relentlessly every waking moment trying to contemplate the next steps in business, his life, and the woman in his life, his family and his future. But in this moment his mind was exceptionally blank and no familiar thoughts prevailed.
He sat up without breaking eye contact with mountains, shuffling jacket closer to his body as chilly swirl of air somehow managed to nudge through this collar. He mused how he could successfully untangle completely from the life he had lived thus far. He closed his eyes again to envision a world without him.
He could handover business to Suman and transferred his position to her. His shares would be transferred to his family so they wouldn't miss the income they were currently used to. Suman was an exceptionally brilliant administrator and knew how to extract work from personnel. She could easily run his office but she chose to be his assistant for her own reasons. Maybe if he tried harder, he could convince her to take up his role in the company.
His sister now had a family and his grandmother would have her hands full with her great-grandson. Anjali wouldn't be having any more distress and now she can freely hug her son in open without a damn. All the hiding and sneaking behind the world would stop and Shyam wouldn't stop squandering money on Sheetal. His NGO would do what it's intended to do and he would probably go and make a name for himself like Lavanya.
Lavanya was a writer and knowing the girl, she would succeed in it. Her choice of specialization had come as a surprise but seeing her interaction with children it was evident that she was a natural. Suman had mentioned cheekily about an educator and a renowned child psychologist by the name Shukla who was helping Lavanya with her book. Suman had gone ahead and mentioned how they always seem to be in the middle of an argument and at each other's throats all the time. Arnav prayed to the Goddess of the lake to give Lavanya a man who loves her for everything she is and then some more.
Payal was good with kids and Aman was completely smitten. Payal was a total idiot when it came to matters of the heart and this was no different. She had no idea why Aman had started visiting orphanage more regular than usual and why he fumbled around and shifted on his foot for seventeen minutes to ask her out for lunch. He would look after her amazingly and maybe then the residual sadness in her eyes would completely vanish.
His eyes snapped open when the last name came to his mind – Khushi.
His mind drew blank. He didn't know how her life was going to be if he were to choose a life of ascetic. He couldn't even comprehend the extent of damage her psyche would undergo if he permanently cut her off from his life.
But was he ready to take such a drastic step? Yes, his mind screamed.
'Liar', his heart admonished equally loud. Torn between heart and mind, he closed his again and asked the lake, the goddess who stood steadily amidst the mountains and beckoned him in her embrace. 'Help me mother,' his heart communicated with the lake.
The waves gently hit the shore and in softest of the whisper he heard her say. 'Son, the life of an ascetic is difficult and the life of an everyday man is equally difficult. Both fight against vices, inner demons, insecurities and the sense of attachment. If you want to win over complexities of life, then make them simple not escape away from it.'
The whisper died down and there were only sounds of waves hitting the shore. He stood up realization dawning upon him knowing exactly what he needed to do.
It was time to go home.
I am glad this is coming to an end. A chapter or two and we are done.
Anupamaa
24