SwaRon OS: WHY NOT ME?

SwaRon OS: WHY NOT ME?

Today I broke my promise, rather I broke myself… broke his heart… as if broke my life… my existence. I slapped him… It felt like life slapped me…my fate slapped me hard… so hard that it left marks on my heart…

I could see his heart hurt…but he was still smiling after I slapped… he said "You are in trouble Sharon, you are going against your heart… Your heart is in more pain than mine…because I can see in your eyes the courage you have gathered to do this"…and he left… I was stunned… I felt as if my heart is a crystal… to his eyes… He was correct… We both are unhappy… both are spending sleepless nights… But I am bound… I do not want him to live with my faults… I know that he can't live without me… but there is hope that he someday may leave me due to arrogance… and live a happy life… but if I tell him the truth then I'm sure… he would never leave me…

I still m just staring blankly at his photograph in my hands… trying hard to sleep… but all in vain… I cannot sleep with this heavy heart… and I deserve this after all… I have hurt the person whom I love… who loves me the most… though never confessed … but I really do.

I don't know when sleep invaded me… all I know that I had got the world's scariest dream… I lost my life… I lost Swayam… he had met an accident while returning home from college… I was the reason for his that speed which took him away from me… I curse myself… I was crying like hell… He was in hospital… I didn't have the courage to see him taking his last breaths… I didn't go to the hospital… I went to college… I wanted to feel his presence… I was restless… I went to the rehearsal hall… It was where I could feel him… Each and every wall of the hall reminded me of him… my each breath in the hall had him… I was breathing him… I lay there devastated… with tear – stained face… resting my back to the mirror and leaning my head… closing my eyes with the fear that open eyes will show me the reality…Suddenly I heard someone singing… it was HIM … I didn't open my eyes… because I knew that's the melody of my sweet memories… with HIM…

(It's a request to please play the song in background while reading further…

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGkQxFEi6AU )

Escaping nights without you with shadows on the wall
My mind is running wild tryin hard not to fall

I could see him gliding on the floor… he was upset… because I had said that I wanted a break… from our trial relationship…

You tell me that you love me but say Im just a friend
my heart is broken up into pieces

I saw him in the same position when he was when I had told him that "I don't want you…" in the abandoned corridor.

Cause i know i'll never free my soul
it's trapped in between true love and being alone
When my eyes are closed the greatest story told

I woke and my dreams are shattered here on the floor

Why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we're meant to be
Baby i know i could be all you need
Why oh why oh why

I could see each and every moment in front of my eyes… that moment when he constantly said that he was always there for me… and I had ignored him…
each and every that moment where his eyes had understood that I needed him but my ego hadn't… that every moment where there was immense love for me in his eyes and only hatred in my eyes…

I wanna love you
if you only knew how much i love you
So why not me

I saw his face … shattered… after he saw me with Shivam… when Shivam wished me at new years and kissed my hand…

The day after tomorrow I'll still be around
To catch you when you fall and never let you down

He had helped me in the rehearsal hall after few days of Shivam incident… because I had hurt myself after being with shivam… He was hurt but still he was there for me… and again seeing Shivam's name as the caller ID he left…

you say that were forever our love will never end
I've tried to come up but it's drowning me to know
you'll never feel my soul

We were at dance camp… giving promises of not leaving each other… he was there smiling … at my shyness…

It's trapped in between true love and being alone
when my eyes are closed the greatest story told
i woke and my dreams are shattered here on the floor

He was there again smiling when I slapped him today… but I could see he was broken from inside… he was remembering my words at our first call after trial relationship… where I hold him that I never gonna slap him again…

Tell me baby why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we're meant to be
Baby i know i could be all you need
why oh why oh why

I wanna love you
if you only knew how much i love you
So why not me

You won't ever know
How far we can go
You won't ever know
How far we can go (go)

Why oh why tell me why not me
why oh why we're meant to be
Baby I know I could be all you need
Why oh why oh why

And his eyes again asking me the same question " why not me..??" when I was normal to everyone except him, when I could love my secret admirer but not him, when I wanted anybody but not him, when I could allow Shivam to touch me but not him…

Why oh why tell me why not me
Why oh why we're meant to be
Baby I know I could be all you need
Why oh why oh why oh why

I wanna love you
If you only knew how much I love you
so why not me
(why not me, why not me)

His each question was killing me from inside and I opened my eyes.

And then I found myself sweating, crying, panting but yet thanking that this was a dream… just a dream… but still my inner voice wouldn't agree… I was worried… hell scared… thinking about what if this is a reality… my hands couldn't stop itself… they went towards calling HIM… the call was unreachable… I tried some times more… but all in vain… Now I was getting restless… I felt my heart sinking… my breaths were being stealt… I lost all my patience… I forgot about the barriers which held me… away from him… I left my house… I was heading towards his house… with thousands of thoughts coming to my mind… I was trying to be optimistic… but was unable to stop my pessimistic mind… I reached there with mixed feelings…of awkwardness, anger, love… but worry had overpowered all of them… I rang the bell in a jiffy… I rang it twice, thrice… I guess my adrenaline levels were at its heights… No one opened… I rang it once again…

And then next moment… he opened it… he was there absolutely fine… It brought back my breaths… I took him to a bone crushing hug… with so enormous force that I knew we both would fall… but I least cared… He took me in his embrace… I found my world… my paradise… in his arms… he caught me tight and we didn't fall… he was ruffling his hands through my hairs to calm me down… I was still crying hiding my head in the crook of his neck…and then when we broke… I thought he would be shocked at my this action but to my surprise he was smiling… and then it was like once again I am experiencing ecstasy… his hypnotic smile…I closed my eyes to capture his that image forever… in my heart…

He then spoke "Sharon,…"

I cut him in the middle "what the hell Swayam, where the hell is your phone… can't you keep it at a place where there's network… and where the hell is such place where there is no network in Mumbai…and that such place had to be in your house…"

He said "hey, chill Sharon, first tell me what has happened…? Why are you so hyper…? Why are you crying? And you are here at this hour of night? Is everything fine? Ohh God, don't tell me you had a nightmare…"

I told him "you are feeling this as funny Swayam, there I was crying for you and you are making fun of me…"

He was smiling and then he took to his bedroom and then he hugged me and said "now say Sharon, what is the problem? I guess you would feel it simpler to speak out when you don't see me… you just feel me…"

This once again left me stunned. How did he manage to understand everything? … I then decided to speak it out… and release myself from all the barriers… I thought that what's the use of barriers… now… when he had broken them all long back… by making me… fall in love with him… and I told about my asthma problem… my insecurities regarding disclosure of this to others… the reason why I didn't tell him… everything…

After listening he just broke the hug… I wanted to be in that position…he got up and went towards the window… away from me… his back facing me… I asked him "Swayam…"

He said "no Sharon, I don't want to listen anything… how can you think of doing such things to yourself… how did you dare to do so…?"

I was mystified at his words… he never spoke like that to me… besides words like dare from his mouth were hitting me…

He continued by turning towards me " you ask me that how can I be so good? You ask me that how can I love a person like you with so much intensity? Now aren't you behaving in the same way…? Now shall I ask you that how can you love someone so selflessly that you are even ready to stay away from that person forever…? Why the hell you were speaking those words which were killing you every minute by stabbing your heart…? Speaking arrogantly to a person whom you love is much more difficult than listening those words from the person you love. But still you spoke so that I don't leave dancing… you did everything for me… And you say that I love you like crazy… don't you do so…?? I am just nothing in front of your love…"

I couldn't listen more… he was angry… he was hurt… I just went and placed my fingers on his mouth… I said "shhhsh… I am sorry… so so so sorry… I know it's my mistake but try to understand Swayam I didn't want you to live withmy faults…

He then shouted "enough, Sharon… ohk forget that happened… but listen to me carefully… he had caught me tight by waist and I bumped into his chest. He was hell angry… for the first time I feared him… but I was sure

He continued "once again if you call yourself faulty then I won't tolerate… you were never faulty, and never ever will be… got that…? We are meant to be… and don't you ever again think that I would be interested in some other girl if you try to push me away…

I was smiling at his tactics… and I at myself too… that Sharon who never allowed anyone to just speak in front of her is today listening quietly to someone else no, not someone else … is listening to Swayam and that too when he is scolding her… but I liked the change… I loved it infact…

He was looking at me… he was thinking that why am I smiling when he is scolding me… he too smiled at me… and now he couldn't resist himself… he brought my face closer to his … I started breathing heavily… he wiped away all my dried tears with his thin fingers… he gently placed his lips on mine… he was slow and gentle at beginning… as if asking my permission… he was still with a thought that I am comfortable with it or not… I then responded quickly and held my hands in his hairs… this made him wilder… now he was like he wouldn't leave at any cost… I smiled while kissing and this gave him entry to my mouth… our tongues danced together… and after sharing a long and passionate moment we broke off.

The End.