Words of Silence: PAGE 202 Oct 25 2006 - Page 40

Chapter Twenty One

Around three that day Kripa knocked on the door of the Khanna House. When no one replied she turned the knob, surprised to find it open. She walked in and looked into the dark room, no one was there. Did they forget, she wondered.

Nah! They couldn't. "Sana." She called. "Neha… Angad… Where is everyone?" She yelled again.

The lights turned on and stood Sana with Sia by her side.
"Hi Kripa. We are in the living room, come on." Kripa smiled as she walked to Sana.

"You look gorgeous." Sia said with a smile. "I'm sure Angad Chachu never tells you that. He never tells that to me either."

Kripa laughed as she bent down in the leather skirt and red turtle -neck Faith had forced her to buy. She had finally agreed to wear it. She looked like a studious students stepping out after a long night of studying. Her eyes had dark circles under them, behind the black Gucci framed glasses, and her hair were tied back with a pencil, untidy, strands coming out from everywhere. But it made her look careless, like a twenty-four year old. "Thank you. You look beautiful yourself." She kissed her cheek. "Angad doesn't have manners don't worry about it."

About thirty minutes later the three ladies had all the lights wrapped around the Christmas tree. Neha moved a large box in front of them and smiled. "Now for the ornaments." She carefully opened the box and took out more boxes that sat within the box.

It had been years since she had decorated a Christmas Tree. If she remembered right it was the Christmas of her sophomore year. She, Karan, and Faith had decorated the tree for the last time together that year.

Neha stood up when she heard her daughter cry in the room upstairs. "I'll be right back." She said handing the angle to Kripa that was to be placed at the top of the tree. "Start with this one."

"Sana would you like to climb the ladder again?" Kripa asked looking up. The tree was almost ten feet tall, but green and gorgeous.

"Mama!" Sana heard Sia yell.

"Oops, I'm out of luck. You can do the honors now." She stood with a grin and walked out of the living room. Kripa stood up with the angle in her hand and climbed up the ladder that as stood about eleven feet tall. She took a deep breath as she got as high as she needed and then adorned the tree with its first ornament. She smiled looking at it. Then her eye caught her ring. She relaxed looking at it with a frown on her face.

Right then, while Kripa was lost Angad walked into the room. He looked at Kripa and smiled. "Hey Kripa!" he said suddenly, loudly.

She wobbled, forgot she was standing on a ladder, she turned quickly. Then she quickly caught the ladder but it didn't help, she was falling.

Before she could hit the floor Angad pulled her towards him and fell on the floor under her. She was breathing hard, the pencil that was holding her hair up had fallen and her glasses were somewhere else. She placed her elbows on his chest and slowly lifted her head and looked down at him.

She was taken back with the look in his eyes. Her hair falling on her face had started to irritate her just as much as the fact that she was on top of Angad Khanna at the moment. She could see him clearly even without her glasses. She blinked looking back at him, shivering. She watched as Angad slightly lifted his head and touched his lips to hers. But he couldn't don't more than brush them; before he could kiss her again she placed a hand on his mouth. "No," she whispered. "Please no." She tried to stand but fell on him again. Their lips brushed again, nervously she tucked her hair behind her ear and roll off of him and sat up.

What was happening? she asked herself. She grabbed her glasses and put them back on. Angad placed a hand on her shoulder. With a shudder she turned.

"You ok?" he asked with questions in his eyes.

She nodded unable to take her eyes away. Her dark brown hair framed her face, but before Angad could pay any attention to it she tied them up with the band around her wrist.

"I'm sorry Angad." She stood, walked to the box and kneeled in front of it again.

He sat down beside her, and started to help. "I'm sorry." he whispered taking a quick glance at her.

She looked at him, still panicked, still scared. "You should be. I could have broken my neck." She managed a soft, low laugh, right when Sana walked in with Sia.

"Angad good you're here. Help Kripa finish this, I have to drive Sia to her classes." She then noticed the awkward tension in the room. "Everything ok?" she asked as Sia ran into her room.

"Hi Chachu!" She said jumping in his lap. "You have to finish the tree with Kripa Chachi before I get back." Kripa looked at her when she addressed her as her Chachi.

"We should go Sia." Sia ran back to her mother's side. "Neha are you coming?" Sana yelled looking up stairs.

"I'm here. I would love to see little Sia dance. Hi Angad, take care of Esha. Yash will be home in an hour or so." She said looking at him. Sia took her hand and dragged her away from there. "Bye Angad, bye Kripa." Within twenty seconds the door closed and Kripa was at home alone with Angad, and of course Esha.

Angad looked back at Kripa. She was busy decorating the tree. The serious expression covered her face like it did when she was thinking about something. Angad slid closer to her and slipped his arm around her. Shocking her half to death. "Will you stop startling me?" she asked him trying to breathe again. "Gosh."

"I'm sorry."

"Again?" she said looking back at the box of ornaments. She looked at them and placed them both down in the box. "I don't think this is correct Angad. I just don't like the idea of being engaged to you." She nodded her head and placed both the ornaments back into its place in the box. "I mean what if we really end up getting married?"

"Isn't that why I proposed?" He asked rubbing his hand on her arm.

"No. I mean-" She looked at him. Before she could continue they both heard Esha crying again. "Let's go look what's wrong with the little girl."

They both stood up and walked into the room. Angad picked her up and rocked her until she was quite again. With a smile he looked at Kripa. She was lost in her thoughts again. With his free hand he snapped his fingers in front of her. She looked back at him and leaned on his shoulder. "Angad I…" Esha was crying again. "She's hungry." She concluded with a sigh.

"How do you know?"

"Hello, I'm a doctor. I'm a gynecologist I deal with little kids all the time. I'll get her milk." She stood up and walked out of the room.

In the kitchen she found the baby milk powder and prepared it the way she had once watched Neha do so. Although she was doing that, her eyes weren't ready to leave the ring on her finger.

Kripa's trance broke when the microwave sounded a long beep. She turned and took the bottle out, and took it back to the room.

She stood at the door when she saw Angad playing with Esha. He had somehow managed to quite her down. She was all smiles as Angad bend down towards her and rubbed his nose against her belly, making her laugh. Every time she laughed Kripa's eyes filled with tears. She couldn't give Angad this life. He deserved something better. She wiped her tears and handed the bottle to Angad.

"I'll be right back Angad. I think my phone is ringing." She lied.

"Ok." He didn't look at her once and was soon busy in Esha again. "Come on sweetheart; let's put you back to sleep." He said picking her up. Kripa turned and looked at them once again before going back down stairs.

Esha feel asleep fast. After securing her in her crib Angad made his way back down stairs. Kripa was sitting on the floor against the wall, beside the half decorated Christmas tree. Her knees were pulled up against her chest and her arms were around them. She was starting at her feet, or somewhere around there.

Angad sighed and sat down beside her pulling her into a cuddle. She straightened her legs and they both sat beside each other without saying a word. The T.V. was playing in the background, with soft sounds of the Christmas bells ringing throughout most of the commercials.

Kripa closed her eyes and disconnected everything from her mind. Everything but the fact that she was engaged to Angad Khanna. Actually engaged to Angad Khanna. It was real, and true. She allowed her face to fall against his chest once again, she didn't want this. He didn't deserve this.

If she thought about Angad's life a few years from now she knew a few things to be there for sure. She knew that he would love his wife a lot, and get the love back he deserved. The first things she couldn't give him. Not yet at least. After seeing him around Sia and Esha she also knew he loved kids a lot. Another thing she couldn't give him. She didn't want to be a mother until her goals were accomplished. She didn't want to be a mother period. She couldn't handle it, no way.

Maybe she could give him all this, and more. But she knew for a fact even if she convinced herself she was in love with him right now, she still couldn't. She had a past that haunted her; it would haunt her for the rest of her life. She still had nightmares about it.

At that very moment images flashed into her mind, her eyes quickly opened. They were wet and blurry. She didn't want this engagement but she had to continue pretending she did, only for one person. She had said yes to Angad for Dev, and she would continue with this for Dev. But at the end, would he really be happy?

She breathed in and out again and again, telling herself everything would workout. She was confident that Angad would make sure that everything worked out. If he really cared for her like she thought he did, he would make things happen, not just let them happen. Her eyes closed; this time more confidently they reopened.

It had been over twenty minutes since she had been sitting like this next to Angad. Cuddled against him, thinking about him, about them.

Everything will be fine in the end, she told herself again at that moment.

"Everything will be fine Kripa." Angad finally said. "I promise that."

"I hope," she muttered. "Did Esha finish her milk?"

"Yes, she did." He looked down at her, she was calm. So calm for the first time since they had met. "You look so nice when sitting so calmly." She lifted her head and looked up at him, he was simply grinning. "I'm being very honest, you do. So calm." He kissed her right above her brow and then looked at her again. "Is there anything stormy going on in your head?" She wasn't looking at him anymore, but just sitting like she was a few moments before he broke the silence. Finally he sighed. "I know Kripa why my engagement ring is still on your finger." He locked his left hand with hers, and looked at the ring in her hand.

"Angad we are playing a game. A game without rules, a game that doesn't even know when it's going to end." She shook her head against his chest. "We don't even know if all this will work on Amna, Angad." She wanted to cry at that moment. She wanted to suddenly cry when she realized her engagement was only a play. A play whose writers were Angad and Kripa themselves. She turned her face completely into his chest and left his hand. Both her arms were tightly around him as she mumbled her next words. "I don't want to hurt anyone Angad. But if anything goes wrong…" she started sobbing, she couldn't continue.

She didn't want to hurt anyone, but everyone was going to be hurt. Karan, Faith, her parents, Sahil, Sana, Kiran, but most importantly Dev. She was going to hurt everyone including herself and Angad. She wasn't worried about herself, she was worried about Angad. She had been hurt once and nothing could be worst that that one. Nothing.

She was curled like a ball against him now. "I'm sorry."

"This is the third time today. I'm hoping it the last time for today. I don't need an apology, I need comfort. I need you to tell me that I won't be stuck marrying you in a few months. Our plan will work and Amna will be the one walking to the altar as your bride, not me." She looked at him with her red eyes.

He nodded looking at her. "I've told you so many times I can't see you cry, but you still do." He rubbed his thumb under her eye like she had once. "I love you so much. You're the best friend anyone can have." He hugged her tightly. "Faith is lucky to have you."

"Now stop buttering me. You're the one who always makes me cry. Come on now lets finish this tree. This time you can climb the ladder. And if you fall I won't save you."

"Ok, but I need your help."

"In?" She looked at him again. He smiled showing his teeth. "No! Oh no, no, no."

"But I didn't say anything." He left her when she struggled to get up. Her eyes were still red and her glasses slightly dirty.

"But I know exactly what you need." She rubbed her eyes under her glasses and then turned. "I'm not going to go Christmas Shopping with you. And, don't expect a gift from me anyways. That ring in your finger was your lifetime gift."

He glanced down at it. "It's not very special Kripa."

She turned around with a frown on his face. Then smiled, "I want it back."

"Huh?" He looked at the ring and then at her. "You want it back?"

"Yes."

"But Kripa you can't have it back. It's my engagement ring."

"Well, it not special!" She mocked him. "Just give it to me." She took his hand and took the ring out. She wore it on her thumb. It was slightly big, but it worked. "You can wear another ring." She titled her head. "Now I'm going to go wash my face and until then you can work on this tree alone." She turned and walked away.

"Sometimes I wish I was in love with her." Angad said as he heard the door close. He laughed and hit his head slightly. "Nah!"

The next hour Kripa and Angad spent decorating the tree and eating at the same time. Angad noticed during this one hour the changes in Kripa.

While she is busy handing ornaments on the base of the tree, Angad sat down beside her and just looked at her. He recollected the first time they had met in years at the hospital. How different Kripa looked, how oddly she had behaved. She knew it was Angad, yet she acted like she hadn't seen the man before her. She behaved like they were strangers.

Then the tears she held back in the parking lot that same day. What was so hard? Aman cheated on her. Fine! He cheated, they broke-up. Then what was so hard to over come?

Angad's gaze shifted from Kripa to her hands hanging one crystal ball to another. It seemed like she was a professional. She didn't have to stop and think once about what went where.

"Do you do this ever year?" He asked around six that evening taking the cup of coffee from her.

She picked up the cushion on the sofa and sat down beside him, took a sip and then set the cup aside. "Do what every year?"

"Decorate the tree."

She nodded with a frown. "First time since our sophomore year."

He nodded in surprise. "What happened between Aman and you Kripa? Please tell me."

She shrugged. "Nothing very important."

He rolled his eyes and then looked into his cup. "Then why has that 'nothing' held you back?"

"Angad." She shifted and then turned placing her feet on the sofa. "I'll be honest to you. Since you've entered my life a lot has changed. I actually tell myself sometimes that I've been holding my past so close to me for absolutely no reason." She picked up her mug, sipped, and looked at her coffee. Angad didn't say anything and waited until she was ready to speak again. "Thank you for that." She looked up at him with a small smile. "Is the coffee ok?" She asked looking away from him.

"Yeah." He said in a low, soft whisper. "It's fine." He paused for a handful of seconds. "Kripa…" the door bell rang. "I'll get that." Angad set his cup down and walked out of the room. Kripa sat down on the sofa properly. She was silent in the silent room for a few seconds.

It's true, she told herself rising. Since Angad had come back she had changed. A little, but she had. She had become more flexible with everything, her life, her daily routines, the hospital. If a problem appeared she wouldn't throw a fit but think about it. She did sometimes, but then now there was a 50-50 chance. Where as in, a few months ago there was a 75-25 percent chance that she was going to throw a fit, perhaps fire someone as well.

She turned around hearing a few voices. Dev and Sahil smiled at her. "Good evening." She greeted walking to them.

"Good evening Kripa." Sahil said with a smile. "What are you doing here?"

"Nothing much. Good evening Uncle." She looked at Dev who was setting his briefcase of the table.

"Good evening. Do you think I can get something to drink?"

"Well I can manage Coffee, water, milk, juice, or a soft drink. Everything after that isn't in my hands."

Dev laughed. "Don't you think it's time you learned?"

"No." She nodded. "The day you find me in the kitchen cooking anything or making anything beside coffee you can do anything that day."

Sahil laughed at her words, as Angad and Yash came walked over. "Kripa." She looked over at Yash. "Neha used to say the same thing before getting married. Now I can't wait till our kitchen is closed for the day." He sighed, then looked back at her. "Where is she, and Esha?"

Kripa was grinning at the information. She couldn't imagine Neha like that. She was an excellent cook. "With Sia and Sana. Esha is sleeping upstairs still."

"I'll go see her." He left the room.

Yash Singhania was a nice man, with great manners, and indeed he was a hard worker.

Kripa looked back at Dev and Karan, who was talking to Angad. "So what do you want to drink?"

Dev laughed as he gave her his attention again. "Coffee would do just fine. Thank you."

"Ok. Sahil?"

"Coffee for me too. Angad?" He looked at him.

"She already made me a cup," he glanced at it. "But I'm sure I could use another one."

About fifteen minutes later Kripa came back with a tray with four cups of coffee. Dev was talking to Sahil about some official work while Angad was flipping channels. Yash wasn't back from Esha yet. Kripa handed the cup of coffee to Dev, and then to Sahil taking the file away from them. "How often does Sana tell you to bring your work home?" Kripa asked teasingly. If she had even seen Sana and Sahil argue in the past months it was over this matter. She moved back and sat down on the sofa vertical to the two men.

"Like every night." He sipped his coffee, without much of a reaction.

"Is it ok?"

"It's perfect. You know Sana hated coffee, still does. The first time she made me some she put six spoons of coffee in it." His face was covered with a dreamy expression as the memory came back to him.

Angad laughed while Dev was quite surprised at his comment. "Yeah I remember that." Angad said chuckling. "And I also remember you drank half the cup before she also tried it." His dreamy expression turned into an embarrassing one.

Dev couldn't help but laugh at his eldest son's expression. He picked his coffee up and drank. "It's good Kripa." He looked up at her. She was lost somewhere. He continued looking at her, waiting for a reply. "Kripa." He said again.

"Yeah?" She looked at Dev. "What happened?"

"Nothing, beta, I was just saying the coffee is good."

"Oh, thank you."

Sahil's phone rang and he excused himself from the room. Dev looked back at Kripa and held his hand out. "Come here." She stood up and flopped on the sofa beside the man. "Is everything ok?"

"Couldn't be better." Angad watched him talk to her. It bought memories of how Dev used to treat Neha before she got married.

"I still remember when Kiran had cooked for the first time my Dad gave her something. When Sana cooked for the first time I gave her what she wanted." He paused and held her hand. "What do you want?"

"But Uncle I…" Oh this isn't good, she thought looking at him. "I just made coffee, that's it. I make a few million cups a day, it's nothing big."

"It's a tradition Kripa."

"I'm not married to Angad yet." She said softly.

"You guys are engaged."

Angad looked back at Kripa now. "Ok." She said slowly. "I don't want anything, not right now at least." She paused for a second. "But I won't hesitate to ask when I want something, and you promise to give me something."

"Whatever you want. But for now I want something."

"What?" She looked at him, not wanting to guess what he wanted.

"Well now that you are engaged to Angad I want…" She looked at him in horror. "I want you to call me Dad. Not uncle."

Kripa breather out, that was easy, but emotional. For how long? She suddenly wondered. "Until Amna didn't realize her love for Angad." Her inner voice told her. "It's only a game, addressing him as your father is a part of it." She closed her eyes in pain, this wasn't right. God would punish her for playing with so many emotions, so many hearts.

"But…"

"No!" Dev held his hand up. "I know how to be nice and I also know how to order. It was a request I can change it to a demand."

"Alright." She chocked on her breath. "Papa."

He smiled, "see that was easy."

"Umm, can I interrupt?" Angad said moving to the sofa, sitting beside Dev, on the same sofa. "Now that you have what you guys wanted how about I ask for something?" He smiled widely. "How about I cook dinner for the first time tonight and then Kripa can give me something." He looked at her; she had a 'what the hell?' look on her face.

Dev laughed as he draped one arm around Angad and the other around Kripa. "It would be nice to see you cook, son." He laughed. "But I'm sure your mother will have a nervous breakdown seeing you in the kitchen. Plus, Kripa doesn't need you to cook her dinner to ask for something, right Kripa?"

She smiled, "Right. What do you want Angad?" she asked sweetly.

"I want help Christmas Shopping."

She gave him a killer look. "That's it?" she asked sweetly. "You could have asked for my life and I would have given it to you." Angad understood her comment while Dev laughed at it.

"You guys can continue this," he said when the door bell rang. "I'll see the two of you later." He kissed them both and left with his mug. When Kripa saw him turn she got on her knees on the sofa and threw a cushion at him.

"You idiot!" she said in a low voice. She picked up another cushion and threw it at him. "Loser." She said again. "I'll make sure this experience is fun for you."

He picked up the cushion and threw it at her, "I'll make sure of the same thing, sweetheart."

"Sweetheart my foot." She was about to smack him when he caught her hand and pulled her forward.

She looked at him in anger still. He brushed his fingers on her cheek. "I like you like this Kripa." His grip was soft, his voice was comforting. "Don't force yourself to change because of someone else. He hurt you, and you allowed him to. That's exactly what he wanted, you let him win. Don't let it happen any longer. Promise me." He looked at her dark yet soft eyes. She slightly pushed him back with a smile.

"I promise to bother you like this until I'm with you."

"Good." He stood up fixing his shirt. "I'll see you in a while." He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Maybe we should put you in cooking classes; this batch of your coffee was quite distasteful. Poor Dad had to just compliment you. Angad drink the coffee."

She picked up the cushion once again and threw it at his face, with Sana and Sia walking into the room, giggling.

"Kripa you're staying for dinner right?"

"Of course I am." She darted a look at Angad. "My sweetheart is cooking tonight after all."

His jaw dropped open in front of her. She stood and pushed his chin up, but it fell again. "I'll see you at dinner, sweetheart." She pulled his cheek and turned. "Come on Sia, let's go see the tree."

"It's done?"

"Just a few more things and it will be done." Kripa's voice faded away into the next room while Sana walked to Angad, his jaw still dropped.

"Are you ready Angad?" she said standing in front of him.

"She'll pay for this." he said in anger. Sana laughed at him. He looked at her. "She'll pay!"