Smoke and Mirrors || Wonderwall: Page 6 [12/3] - Page 4

Wonderwall

She clenches the white stick in her hand, her nails digging into her palm, leaving crescent shaped marks, but she couldn't care less. Pregnant. She was pregnant. After all that effort into being careful she was pregnant. She doesn't understand how it happened (well no, not like that) but they were always so careful. She was always so careful. And now she was pregnant. They weren't even in a relationship, for god's sake.

Deep breaths, Riddhima.

Calm down.

Deep blue ocean, Riddhima. Deep blue ocean. Happy place.

Breathe in.

Out.

In.

Out.

Oh fcuk, I'm pregnant.

She heaves her guts down the toilet and leans against the wall cold and clammy.

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He was in her university. They weren't friends per se, just acquaintances. He graduates a year before her and she doesn't see him again until 2 years later when they meet by chance. They're doing their MBAs at the same university and she's glad to see a familiar face. They hang out often, go out for the occasional coffee, but mostly watch movies at his flat because he has a massive flat screen and acoustics that make her weep with their perfection.

He's kind of perfect and she doesn't even know when she fell for him. Except maybe she does. Maybe it was that one time where he admitted to being a Marvel fan and she all but squealed in delight. Or that one time when she was on her period and it hurt all over and she felt so awful she skipped class and he bought her cupcakes. Cupcakes. Or that one time when he's been quiet all day and she asks him why and he tells her his dad died two years ago that day.

They spend the day at his flat, holed up in the bed with gigantic amounts of Chinese takeout and B-grade horror movies that she gives a running commentary on. He smiles at the end of the night and she feels like she achieved something that matters more to her than anything. He says thank you, all sincere eyes and shy smile and she brushes it off with a laugh. "You'd do the same, asshole." "Maybe." "Please. Maybe my ass. You know you love me."

The day she realizes she's kind of, possibly, maybe in love (oh who is she kidding, she's totally in love) she almost weeps with frustration. Trust her to fall for someone who's so out of her league it's not even funny. Except it kind of is. Her life is a joke. A horrible train wreck that she watches happen every day.

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She sits there for what feels like hours and then gets up, orders a veggie pizza and some salad and sits down, her laptop open. She google's pregnancy because after all that Grey's Anatomy she still has no idea what to do. But she has google-fu and she uses it. She reads well into the night, until her eyes sting. She doesn't know how far along she is, but she knows she has to see an OB-GYN or whatever the fcuk that is.

There were a few articles on abortion and she almost laughs at that. She can't kill a spider without feeling sick, let alone a baby. Her baby. She's so screwed.

She sends a text to Armaan telling him that she's sick with the flu and she's contagious so he shouldn't come by. She asks him to man the coffee shop for tomorrow and he agrees.

Sinking her head into the pillow, she clutches one of his t-shirts that she's stolen and cries. He doesn't love her and she's pregnant and nothing makes sense anymore. She cries for as long as the tears come and then she takes a deep breath, resolves to go to the doctor tomorrow and be the best fcuking single parent ever. She can't bring herself to tell him because facing the rejection first hand might just break her resolve.

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It's the end of the first day of their coffee shop, their little dream. And it's a success. It's within walking distance from the university nearby so they have customers already. It's a heady thing, success. They're the owners but they've hired Muskaan and Rahul as baristas. She takes care of the food though. Baking is kind of her thing. He manages the financials and they're a perfect team, the four of them.

They sell their thousandth coffee and go out for drinks, just the four of them. He drops her home and she's so happy, so, so, so happy because this has been a dream since she was seven. She's happy and she couldn't care less so she gives in and kisses him. And she's thrilled when he grabs her waist and brings her closer, kissing her back with gusto. It's wet, open mouthed and sloppy but it's good. So fcuking good.

She opens the door, fumbling with the keys and he pushes them towards the bed. Clothes are off and it's quiet in the flat except for their sounds. He mouths along her neck, her collarbone, biting down and damn, that's going to leave one hell of a hickey later. She whines in impatience, grinding their hips together and he chokes on his voice. He grabs a condom from the night stand and she puts it on, taking her time, smiling to herself as his eyes clench shut and his jaw falls slack. She smirks a little at that and takes him in; eyes blown wide with lust, and his chest flushed. He takes her into a bruising kiss, one that lacks finesse because it's all biting lips and clashing teeth but it's hot as fcuk and before she knows he pushes into her and she exhales, because it's so amazing, so completely brilliant and oh god they could've been doing this sooner because this. This is fcuking paradise. His thrusts gain momentum and she kisses him right before she comes so hard she thinks she might die. Death by orgasm. Yep. He gives a full body shudder before he comes too, pulls out of her, disposes the condom and then lies down beside her, breathing heavily.

"So that happened." He murmurs and she huffs a laugh because yeah, that happened.

"I think you broke my brain." She says and has the pleasure of hearing him chuckle. She gets up then and cleans herself up before offering the shower to him. She stays awake till he joins her in bed, slipping inside the duvet big enough for two.

"Armaan, I-"

But that's all she gets in before he kisses her temple and murmurs an almost inaudible, "Sleep, Riddhima."

And she does.

She wakes up alone, no note, no text, nothing. She looks at herself in the mirror, and smiles without humor.

"So that happened." She says, to the empty flat.

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She visits the gynecologist and he's a lovely man. He tells her she's along three weeks and gives her pamphlets on single parenting when she says the baby doesn't have a father. She walks out of the hospital feeling a little less hopeless. She might even have a chance at this shit.

Her next visit is to the grocery store and she looks at everything before deciding that she's going to cut down on the junk food. She buys organic vegetables and whole wheat cereal. If she's going to do this, she's going to do it right.

That night she disposes any and all alcohol in her house.

Hey, how are you doing now? – Armaan

I'm good, thanks. – Riddhima

Take tomorrow off too. – Armaan

I don't need it, I'm good, I swear. – Riddhima

Riddhima. – Armaan.

Fine, jesus – Riddhima

She has the entire next day and she thinks about what she wants to do. She thinks about money and goes online to check the balance in her account. She remembers the account her parents set up for her, she was to receive the money when she was twenty five. The account is accessible but she hasn't used it yet because every time she thinks of it she's reminded of the car crash her parents were killed in and it makes her kind of sick. But she pays a visit to the bank just the same because this was about her baby. Her baby. Her little miracle that was growing inside of her, and she curls her fingers over her stomach unconsciously, feeling inexplicably in love with the little person already.

The book store is her next stop and she buys a few books, some on pregnancy diets, some on exercise and mental health during pregnancy. Her last purchase is a Chicken Soup for the Single Parent's Soul, because what the hell. She just wants to know she's not alone because right now she feels like she's the only single parent in the entire world and it's not a very happy feeling.

Her evening is spent reading the book once she cooks dinner and she listens to music before she falls asleep.

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Sex with Armaan is not a regular thing. Sure, it happens multiple times after the first time, but mostly they spend their time as they used to, before. It sounds a lot like dating except it's not. She has no idea what it is. They still watch B-grade movies and discuss the homoerotic subtext between Steve and Tony and sometimes she forgets her heart is broken and maybe it's not the healthiest thing to continue this, this thing between them but she can't find herself to stop. They never discuss anything about a relationship and its fine, she can deal with it. Sure, it sucks sometimes when he looks at her just so and smiles that shy little smile because she feels like blurting out an I love you, but yeah. She's fine. Totally fine. No problem at all. None. Okay, so she may be heartbroken. A little. But she's dealing. She is.

Things between them start changing. She feels like he doesn't talk to her, not like before when he bared all his secrets. Now, he talks and then sometimes he'll just break off and stop, as if he regrets saying anything at all. It hurts more than she lets on, but she never says anything, just takes in all that he does say because it's become so rare for him to talk, to really talk, that each little tidbit is something she keeps with her with a fierce protectiveness.

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She goes to the coffee house early the next day and gets on with the baking as soon as she can. She avoids him at all costs and tells him she's busy with baking. It's not a complete lie, two days have caused quite a bit of backlog for her to cover. He doesn't bother her anymore.

It's eleven pm and she's checking if everything's in order before finally locking up and leaving. She reaches her flat and finds him waiting there and she tries to get a word edgewise but he's kissing her and then before she knows it she's lying on the bed, sated and feeling a little sick. She never could tell him no. It makes her feel dirty and she showers for a while before resolving to end it with him. This was never going anywhere.

She wakes up alone and tries to tell herself it doesn't affect her. It doesn't.

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Starting that day, she avoids him. She turns down all his invites and keeps their conversations work related. She doesn't miss the frustration in his eyes and more often than not they argue. Every time he tries to ask her what's wrong, she deflects. It's as good a system as any, she thinks.

In the weeks that follow she discovers she's not prone to morning sickness except once in a while and she feels eternally grateful because wow she finally had something resembling a silver lining on the dark cloud that is her life.

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She should've known it wouldn't work out. He lasts four weeks before she finds him waiting at her flat. She's only just opened the door and let him in when he spins her around and takes her in a bruising kiss. She pushes him away and wipes her lips with the back of her hand. She could do this, she tells herself. She can end this.

"We can't do this."

"Why?"

She flounders for a moment before she settles for, "There's someone else."

"Someone else."

"Yeah."

"You're lying."

She opens her mouth to explain but stops when his eyes flash with anger.

"You know what? Don't bother. I'll find someone else. I don't know what's going on with you these days."

"Armaan wait-" she starts, but he's already gone.

Deep down inside her she'd pictured herself telling him about the baby and pictured his face lighting up. She'd fantasized that he'd tell her he loved her and they'd argue about baby names but she was stupid. So incredibly stupid.

I'll go find someone else, he'd said. She'd painted a beautiful picture and instead she was left alone in her apartment, while he went to find someone else. She throws up and then cries for the first time in weeks.

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She's eight weeks along now and not showing yet. She wonders what she's going to do when she does show. Rahul invites her and Muskaan to his place and she accepts. She needs some space from Armaan anyway. They don't talk much anymore.

Rahul brings out his Wii and she has the most fun in ages, playing tennis and kicking Rahul's ass. An hour later Armaan drops by and he smiles at her tentatively and she smiles back. Maybe they could be friends. He beats her in tennis and they flop down the couch and before she knows what she's doing, she drops her head on his thigh, mumbling "not fair." He smirks and pats her hair, saying "there there" and out of nowhere she has an image of him doing something similar when she's in labour. In labour. Oh god. There was a baby in her. One that would come out of her vagina. Her vagina. Holy shit. How does it even fit in there? And the pregnancy classes, oh god. She was supposed to start soon and bring a partner but no one knew. Who was she going to bring? Maybe she should tell Armaan, he was the father after all. But then the words, I'll find someone else ring in her ears and she feels like she might throw up.

She snaps out of it when she hears him calling her name.

"Are you okay?"

"Um. I have to- I have to go. Sorry."

And she's out as fast as she can go, feeling the panic bubble in her. He follows right out.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me. And you're not seeing anyone either."

"I'm not. But I want to be free to see someone I like, someone I could love."

"You're lying again."

"This twisted thing we have? I don't want to do it anymore. I'm not happy."

He doesn't say anything, just stares and she smiles humorlessly.

"See? I'm not even lying."

She flinches when he slams the door shut in her face.

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Being pregnant is weird. Things are okay at first; she's still not prone to morning sickness so that's a plus. But then her emotions are all over the place. She sees an old couple and her eyes sting. She sees a baby and her eyes sting. She sees people kissing and she feels like clawing out of her skin and just running until she's so far from it all that everything but her baby and her, is white noise.

At nine weeks she brings out her nine week chart and sees the development.

"Your new resident is nearly an inch long — about the size of a grape — and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. She's starting to look more and more human. Her essential body parts are accounted for, though they'll go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Other changes abound: Your baby's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth. The embryonic "tail" is completely gone. Your baby's organs, muscles, and nerves are kicking into gear. The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks. Her eyes are fully formed, but her eyelids are fused shut and won't open until 27 weeks. She has tiny earlobes, and her mouth, nose, and nostrils are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now that your baby's basic physiology is in place, she's poised for rapid weight gain."

She feels giddy with happiness and puts her hand over her stomach. "You hear that, baby? You'll be perfect."

She wipes her tears (again with the goddamn tears, what is her life), combs her hair and uses the washroom. When she comes out, she sees Armaan in her flat, holding the nine-week chart.

"Riddhima, what's this?"

"It's for Natasha. She's uh, she's nine weeks along I'm giving it to her tomorrow."

"You don't know any Natashas." He walks towards her, scowling. "I'm asking you for the last fcuking time, what is this?"

"It's the developmental chart for a nine week fetus."

He slams the chart on the table. "Damn it Riddhima! For once in your life can you stop bullshitting me?"

"I'm pregnant." And oh god it's like, it's liberating and she feels so free although now there's an added fear of rejection.

"When were you planning to tell me?"

"Never."

"It's really not the kind of thing you can hide."

She shrugs. She'd never said it was a good plan.

"So you're nine weeks along."

"You saw the chart."

"Have you been to a doctor?"

"Yeah."

"Why weren't you going to tell me?"

"Because you'd get mad. And then leave. And if you decided to stay anyway you wouldn't be happy. No one wants a surprise baby, right?"

She watches him, gauging his reaction. She wants him to stay so bad it hurts. She wants him. Always wanted him. Wanted him to stay for breakfast but he never did. What if he wants the baby's custody or something? She doesn't think she can bear that.

He's on his knees then and pushing up her shirt. And she's feeling too much, way too fast.

"Please don't." she whispers and he steps away from her as if she'd slapped him.

"You should move in."

"Why?" and she's genuinely mystified by his question, why would he want her to move in?

"So I can look after you both. And you'll have to tell Rahul and Muskaan too."

"Tell them what? Honestly Armaan you don't have to-"

"That you're pregnant. With our baby. And the mother of any future ones too." He says and although he's grinning because he knows exactly what she thinks about cheesy lines, she can see he's sincere.

"Future ones."

"If you want. We can have a big family, a small one, whatever you want."

And okay she's trying to process it, she really is but when did he come so close?

"I want to take care of you, Riddhima. Look after you, even. But you have to let me."

"What do you mean let me?"

"You won't let me love you. I want to, but you never let me get close enough."

"I don't let you? I want you, but you don't love me." And there's a pregnant (ha.) pause before she continues. "Right?"

"I do. But whenever I talk, you're just, you're so quiet. You never say anything. Before, when we were friends, just friends, you talked so much. About everything."

"I'm- I'm quiet because I'm listening. Because you always start talking and then stop midway like you've suddenly started regretting saying anything at all. So I'm quiet. I don't want the regret to come any sooner because of me talking."

He exhales loudly, looking as perplexed as she feels. "How long have we been dancing around each other?" he murmurs, more to himself than to her, as he brushes his thumb across her cheeks, wiping her tears away and she inhales audibly, because she didn't know she'd been crying.

Pulling her with him, they sit on the bed, knees touching, facing each other. He looks at her earnestly, fondly, and cautiously and she knows she's going to say yes to anything he asks for. His fingers hover over the hem of her shirt and he asks her, "May I?"

She nods and he looks grateful even as his fingers trail over her still mostly flat stomach eliciting a small laugh from her; it tickles. He smiles too, the wonder on his face for her to see and she sits there, happier than she's ever been, because that's exactly how she'd felt too, when she first learned that she was pregnant.

He lets her go when she says she wants to change and she comes back in an old pair of sweats. She slips under the covers and turns to face him, slotting her feet between his calves, warming up her toes.

"Why did you come here?" she asks him, curious.

"I came to apologize, actually." He pauses, regret washing over his faces. "I've been kind of a dick lately but then I realized that we could still be friends even if you didn't want me anymore, like that."

"Oh. Well, I'm- we're both very happy to see you."

He looks at her and then looks some more and then leans in to kiss her and she lets him, slipping a hand in his hair. He keeps it chaste and gentle and she kisses him back, so happy she could cry. Oh wait. She realizes she's already crying when he pulls back, concerned.

"I'm sorry! Did I hurt you? Did I hurt the baby?"

She snuffles, laughing. "No, you didn't. I just, I don't get a lot of morning sickness, but um I cry a lot. Like, all the time. Sorry."

"Oh. You scared me." And there's that shy smile again and Jesus she's so gone for this man. He bends down and plants a kiss on her stomach before coming up and looking at her reverently. "You look, you look beautiful." And pecks her on the cheek and oh god, she feels like she's about to cry again.

"You say that now, wait till I get fat and ugly." She jokes.

"I can deal with fat and ugly." He says, smirking.

"Asshole. You're supposed to tell me I'm always going to be beautiful. Or something."

"You're not going to be though. But I'll always love you."

She shakes her head, grinning, "Are you actively trying to make me cry?"

"Do you honestly cry that easily?"

"Oh you don't know the half of it, I cried while baking cookies because they reminded me of you."

"I'm sorry." And she smooths a hand over his cheek, trailing her fingertips over his five o'clock shadow.

"So am I. It's okay, we're okay."

"Yeah, yeah we are."

She's exhausted, mentally and physically and she tucks her head under his chin, snuggling up to him and one hand on her stomach. Feeling him place a fleeting kiss on her temple, she inhales and falls asleep.

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In the morning he kisses her with intent and caution, asking her permission at every step. She says yes to all of it and he, he worships her, there's really no other way to put it. She's never felt more wanted or more treasured and she's more than a little embarrassed when she gets misty eyed when he enters her, slowly and carefully, thrusting into her until she comes apart and so does he.

"I love you." And she hates the way her voice is unsteady and nervous because this is the first time she's actually said the words.

"I love you too."

"We have to open. I need to bake."

"I know," he says, conversationally, but makes no move to actually get up.

"Move," she says, shoving his shoulder."

"In a bit."

"No I-" but she's off the bed and into the bathroom before he knows and he considers leaving, for a moment before he realizes; morning sickness. So he follows her into the bathroom, holds her hair back and brings her a glass of water once she's done.

"Thanks," she rasps, before grinning. "I think we'll be fine."

He's inclined to agree.

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"So, you're pregnant. And together, now?"

She nods even as he intertwines their fingers. They'd just told Rahul and Muskaan, the news.

"Wow."

"Is it really that unbelievable?" she asks, frowning.

"Well, no. It's just, you're settling down, that's kind of huge."

Smirking she replies, "Who said anything about settling down? He doesn't even have a Wii."

He laughs, while pulling her closer. "I told you we'd get one tomorrow." He replies, before kissing the top of her head. She grins widely before snuggling into his side. Things might be okay after all.

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