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Is it just me or…
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Patrama Prem ~ A Gosham SS ~ Chapter 4 on pg 2
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My dream
I closed my eyes as darkness settled around me. It was a sin, something unforgettable. But then why did it feel so right then? His touch wouldn't leave the tip of my skin at all, even though right now he was nowhere near me. His kissing, his caressing.. his love? I knew I loved him. But did he love me, was the question which circled my thoughts day in day out ever since I realized my feelings for him.
We had a sort of live-in relationship. Like housemates. Something my Mum would have beaten out of me had she no more disowned me when I ran away. Something my dad would have locked himself up for in his room, for days on end without food as a means of torturing me, had he believed I was alive. That's right, I was dead to my family the moment I stepped out of the house at the age of eighteen, which closed me like a prison cell.
But why such a huge step, you would ask. Especially if you grew up in the UK, where human rights exist in ever corner. Obviously, that's besides the fact, you have hidden cameras in every corner too, denying you of privacy, someone would joke. However, ten years back, growing up in the Indian immigrant and struggling side of the UK had no freedom of speech. And if you were a kid, you had to breathe on your parents orders. Then getting girls married off to a man twice their age after completing middle school, who just wanted a residency permit in the UK and was proud of domestic violence was no big deal. I would know, after all I watched my sisters and cousins in my joint family go through all that.
But I was the lucky one, they all said. I got to complete high school, and not everyone who tried, passed with shining results like I did which very easily got me a job as an accountants assistant in an engineering firm, far away from my home town which I'd run away from. I am who I am because of my parents. However, because of that, did I need to sacrifice my life, on their bidding? I wouldn't mind doing that either, but not once had they asked me to choose my own groom. Else I wouldn't be the sales manager's secretary today. That's where I met him. He was my new boss, two years back.
Every female staff in the firm ogled at him. They all dreamt about him. But I wanted to just live life, find my prince charming like every other girl and start a loving family with him. That was my aim in life. Nothing too big. I had ceased to please my parents. They sure were happy when I got grades, but the delight to see their child with such a bright future ahead of them wasn't there. Instead, now I look back, it seemed more of a relief. Because I had begged to do high school which they finally consented to. Now they could get me married. Was I not wanted that much? I often wondered.
They all envied me, for having a hot, good looking, thirty year old boss, with a name itself to die for, Armaan Mallik. However, no one mentioned those magnetic, electrifying blue eyes that always drew my own hazel ones towards them. Those marbles had every emotion reflected in them. But the most dominant one was pain. Eons and eons of agony, which I had been trying my hardest to erase ever since I gave my heart out to him.
He wasn't the demanding sort of boss, who wouldn't let his employees rest. As long as you did your work, he was fine with you. And if there was a mistake, he never hesitated to lend a helping hand. If he was such a great person, then why did he have hurt etched in those beautiful eyes of his, I always found myself questioning.
He worked hard. And he made us work hard. One night, as his secretary, he kept me in quite late into the night which I was very apprehensive of. Why, you wonder. Because I lived in a tacky, shabby apartment block where once it's dark, you get loafers hanging around the entrance, drinking, smoking and making a riot. It's not like I didn't earn enough money to change my apartment block and live in a much more decent place. I'm a saver more than a spender and have always been so. I had enough savings over the years to buy myself a small, but decent house. The problem is, I just don't find the time to go house searching. As he kept me in, he insisted on dropping me home, and it was hard to miss those drunkards, talking over the top of their voices around the building. Not many people were around either. The residents were mostly at home, with their problems to mind. Everyone knew a girl shouldn't walk through these people alone in the dark. At the thought of that, my heart quickened pace.
Before I knew it, he was by my side, slipping his hand into mine with a reassuring simle on his face. His eyes had such warmth in them, then why was he drowning in so much sorrow, I found myself questioning again.
"I'll go around the back.." I whispered but he shook his head and led me forward.
"Heyy Miss, got someone to warm your bed tonight?" I was sure my cheeks flushed, but I ignored them, like I always do at night when their voices float up to my bedroom window. "Why didn't you just ask one of us?" they guffawed and high five-ed each other, embarrassing me in front of my boss. What would he say? At that point, his hand went around my waist, and I swear that must have been the first time I felt my heart flutter, only for him. They didn't do anything with him around. I gave him a grateful smile before inviting him inside my clean, one roomed apartment. Yes, I was a neat freak.
"I'm sure you earn enough to stop living here." He told me while I was in the kitchen boiling tea for him.
"I do. But I don't have time to look for a better place. And from what I've seen, I haven't liked." I replied, quite conscious that I had invited my boss inside my house for tea. Silence pursued. I brought out the tea and homemade biscuits for him, which he bit into while I just sat on a chair opposite him on the dining table, silent.
"These biscuits are good," he complimented and I smiled automatically. He liked them.
"Thank you," I replied and once more, all was silent. Awkward? Very much. My mother had always told me I wasn't a good converser. Well, she had been right.
"No husband will love you if you can't cook good food and entertain and impress his guests with a good conversation!" My mum used to tell me when I was thirteen years old.
"I wouldn't get married then. My husband will love me for who I am." I used to reply cheekily. Little did I know that my marriage was already on their minds, for as soon as I turned sixteen, I was shown the picture of a man. My begging and crying and will to study did the trick however, only for a short period of time.
The clattering of the glass cup on the plate and pretty soon I was bidding him a farewell.
"Please take the back door," I pleaded urgently, and he smiled. "Why are you smiling?" I asked, unsure of what joke I had made. Maybe I had something on my face. But his smile was not a mockery. It was a genuine one.
"Feels nice to have someone care after so long," he replied quietly, his smile and dimples which I just noticed, fading. But I had the answer for that.
"Same here," and I allowed myself to dive into his those blue enigmas that screamed loneliness. I wanted to help him. Yes I did. So much that I found myself thinking of his smile when I shut the door behind him.
I heard the key turn in the lock, and felt my lips tug at the ends. He was back home. I wasn't his wife to ask him where he went or what he was doing, but I did warm up his, sorry our dinner that I had cooked. How could I eat when he hadn't had anything? Even though I wasn't sure he loved me, I loved him, didn't I?
"Riddhima?" He called out, and I went to him, after switching on the kitchen lights, which I had forgotten to do once I was lost in the past. His four year old daughter, Sia came running up to me and I took her in a hug. What innocence those blue, sparkling eyes of hers, no doubt from her dad, had!
"Sia, I've made cheesy macaroni for you. Would you like that?" Sia nodded and I glanced once at Armaan. He was staring affectionately at his daughter and our eyes suddenly met.
"Uhmm..you don't mind that do you?" I added in a hasty whisper and he shook his head. Things had turned slightly awkward since, well, since that night. But how did it happen in the first place? How did I move from that dingy little apartment of mine, to his flourishing home?
After he dropped me off, the next day he didn't mention it at all, which was a sort of relief to me. However, we both knew there was more work, which meant quite a few late nights in his office. On those days, he forced me to go and sleep at his house to save further trouble. Then one morning, while making tea,
"Why don't you just move in?" he asked genuinely. Sia was with her mother at that point, and I had no clue about her existence. I nearly choked on that statement and gulped the burning fluid down my throat.
"I..uhmm..I can't do that.." I fumbled, feeling my cheeks turn hot. Yes readers, at that point, I'm not afraid to say, I was already smitten by him.
"I don't mean it that way. I mean, just as friends. It gets quite lonely when Sia is not around.." I frowned.
"Sia?"
"My daughter." He gave me one his heartfelt smiles. He had a daughter! So, where was his wife then? Was she even alive?
"Oh, my wife and I are divorced.." he probably sensed the question in my eyes which widened as I muttered a quick,
"Sorry.."
"I know the house is mine, so there's not much rent you can chip in with besides the tax which I won't let you, but I really need someone to do the grocery shopping which I can't manage at all..!" He complained, making me giggle. "Then I can make you over work too..!"
"Are you trying to persuade me to shift in or run away?" I asked, laughing. His eyes shone in amusement. But why would he want me to shift in? The question was answered.
"It gets lonely sometimes. And I could do with a friend to cheer me up." He put in sincerely, his eyes pleading, loneliness taking over again. He needed a friend, and I needed a decent place to stay without spending hours looking for a suitable house. It seemed like a plan. I vowed to myself, that I will try and be the best friend I could be, without letting my feelings in the way. Little, at that point, did I know how wrong I was.
Before I knew it, we were living together. I was living with my boss and he was a great friend. But there was still that sadness in his eyes which I was never able to emit, try as I might. Our grocery shopping and the rides to and fro from work were always clouded with jokes and amusement that momentarily put a veil over that hurt. But it never went, and it frustrated me to the core. Even after months of living together, I still hadn't plucked up enough courage to ask him exactly what was wrong, though when Sia mentioned Momma, his face darkened immensely.
A few days ago, it was one such evening, when Sia, being the innocent child she was, told her Dad about walking into the room to see Momma crying. We had just finished dinner and were seated in the living room, Sia out with her colouring book and crayons, on the maroon carpet while I was helping her. I noticed Armaan's face drain from its colour and immediately, through my sinking heart, sensed something was wrong. Why does fate play such cruel games with us, I wondered. He was staring fixedly at the screen, while Sia was chatting away in her baby accent, about how after that incident Raj, Momma's husband, took them both out for ice cream.
Sia abandoned her activity and crawled up to Armaan's chest, hugging him dearly.
"I heard him telling Momma I had dirty blood. Why do I have dirty blood Papa?" My mouth dropped open after hearing the confession from Sia. I could see Armaan clench his jaws and stiffen as he tightened his arms protectively around his daughter.
"And what did Momma say darling?" he asked, his voice hoarse.
"She said he was being unfair to me, just because he wasn't my real daddy. She shouted at him for calling me that, then cried." Sia mumbled. "But I don't want a daddy like him. I love you."
"I love you too sweety.."
I smiled at that union, feeling tears prick my eyes. Though I didn't know who exactly Raj was, I could guess why he had called Sia dirty blood. It was because Armaan was born to a lower caste family. That much he'd told me. My family had been the higher caste, and for castes to intermingle a few years ago was seen as shame to the families. Now, it didn't matter at all. And Armaan could be a zillion castes lower than me, I still wouldn't have cared. But that meant Raj was a higher caste and proud of it. It made my blood boil to see such prejudices still existing in the world.
"Sia, let's get to bed. You have a long day ahead tomorrow don't you?" I asked. False. She had nothing to do over the weekend. But that way, at least she agreed to go to bed.
"Riddhi, do you think I've got dirty blood?" she asked insecurely while I tucked her in bed and I felt my heart bleed for her.
"I don't think. I know that you have the purest, cleanest blood around."
"But how can people say that when they've not seen our blood at all?" she questioned innocently, making me smile.
"I don't know why Raj said what he did, sometimes, people judge wrongly. But I can look into these beautiful blue eyes of yours which tell me just how pure you are, and I will tell that to a hundred Rajs if I have to." I kissed her forehead and was about to leave the room when she suddenly said,
"Riddhi, will you get married to Papa like Raj got married to Momma." I froze in my tracks. For the past few months I had been dreaming for that day to come. I could just imagine my life passing away like it had, since I'd shifted in.
"I don't know Sia. That's one question I don't know. But hey, I'll always love you, right?" She smiled, satisfied with my answer, and I switched off the lights to her room and made my way to the sitting room, packing Sia's stuff. I noticed Armaan was just staring at the news, but not taking in a single word from the news reporter. His eyes had fazed out and he seemed lost in distant thoughts. Feeling my heart weigh me down, I sat next to him on the sofa and put my hand on his to bring him out of his thoughts.
"Uhmm..thank you for..you know..handling that.." he smiled at me, and I noticed the pain had magnified in a matter of a few minutes. I just stayed silent, not removing my hand from his.
"Her name was Neha. Sia's mother," he suddenly put in and I turned my head to look at him. "When she was sixteen, she was forced to run away from home, because her parents were about to get her married. We were both secretly seeing each other then and our wedding was impossible because she's of the higher caste."
"Armaan, castes shouldn't come between love."
"I know. I asked her to run away with me and she agreed. I left my job as an engineer and we went in my truck away from my home town, my birth place. I used to struggle to find an income for us, but seeing her when I came home used to erase all my tiredness. We shifted houses quite a bit. Once there was a house where the bed was infested with cockroaches and bugs. But we couldn't afford anything else at that moment either. So I used to sleep on the bed, and she would sleep on top of me." He smiled slightly.
I felt a tear drop out of my eye at his confessions. Partly because he had done so much for her! And partly because that's when hurt settled in. To know he loved someone else so deeply once upon a time, and maybe now he did too? The lump in my throat refused to leave but stubbornly, I sat there absorbing every pain, every wound his words cut into me like a sharp knife, silently and without complaining.
"We finally became better off after we opened our own market stall in desperate search of an income. But I should have known. She was always sad, never fully satisfied. At first I thought it was due to the living conditions we were in, so I worked harder. Then she told me she missed her family. That was the void I couldn't fill in. And I told her I loved her, hoping somehow, that those words and feelings would make her world come right. She told me she loved me too. But I guess saying it and meaning it are two different things." He laughed sarcastically then continued. "So I took her to her home town, just so she could have a glimpse of her family even though she never could walk up to her own house and knock the door. My family had already accepted what I'd done and forgiven me. Maybe that's where her bitterness settled in. That her family still refused to acknowledge her while mine still talked to me, sent us gifts. After a good six or seven years, she got pregnant with Sia." He smiled at that memory and seeing him smile, I couldn't help but feel my heart suddenly weigh a lot less. "Her sister, who'd run away from her husband, came to live with us and all of a sudden, she seemed happier. She used to go out at nights on her sister's insistence, and basically live the teenage life she'd been forced to abandon. I chose to look after Sia, who was barely a month old. I thought it was a phase she'd get over and I let her continue her partying late into the night, sometimes staying over at her friends etc." His face dropped as he recalled the next memory and I could see tears gush down his cheeks, ripping my heart apart. Unknowingly, I shifted closer to him, and gripped his hand tighter, while putting my other on his back. "It turned out, while all that partying, she saw another man. She spent time with him, slept with him, and lied to me."
I froze. How could someone have done that? Just how? I felt my tears pour out of my eyes for him. He had done so much for her. So much! And just so easily, she had ripped him apart like that? If I had had someone to look after me the moment I left my house, I would treasure that person. But she took him, took Armaan, for granted. I had been craving for support, for love ever since I ran away. Maybe, if she had to support herself alone, go through all they had been through alone, like I had, she'd probably have valued him a lot more.
"When she told me that one morning, it felt like everything I had worked for, put effort for, came crashing down. It was allworthless. But why couldn't I stop loving her, Riddhima? Why?" I took him in a hug, shedding tears on his behalf, that had dried off. He still loved her. And that even though it hurt, made me respect him a lot more. He continued with his story. "That guy turned out to stalk her and became obsessed with her. So I informed the police and they put him on house arrest while I bought this house and shifted here with her. Back to our home town."
So this was his home town? It wasn't mine. I hadn't ever dared to go back to place I had grown up in. Maybe one day, I would. But right now, I just couldn't find the courage to. The courage to go back to my old life, and smile back at those mixed memories full of love and hatred. The place that I used to despise, but now remembered and missed a hell lot.
"We never had the same relationship again. We lived together, but in different rooms. That didn't stop me loving her. It didn't stop me checking in on her, hoping she was ok. When Sia was about one year old, she suddenly left again. Just one night, taking herself and my daughter away from me, leaving behind a note that said she couldn't live that way anymore and she'd found someone else called Raj who'd look after her. She told me she was sorry for everything, and she'd always be grateful for whatever I had done for her."
I felt myself shudder in disgust. How could a woman do that? Just how could a girl do all that to someone who was the reason for what she was today! To someone who had sacrificed his everything for her? How?
"So I went to the court for Sia's custody and I won the case. But that made her hate me, something I thought she'd never do. Well, at least I had Sia with me. And now she occasionally visits them, Neha and Raj. I'm happy if she's happy, but I can't erase the past can I? I never thought her husband would call Sia that. I don't like the thought of Raj making Neha cry. It still hurts. Why?" he finally turned his face to me, his eyes bloodshot and I wanted to scream out for him. I wanted to hurt Neha, after all the hurt she had given him, put him through. "Why can't I forget everything? Why can't I stop loving her?"
I shook my head. I had no idea why not. Inching closer I wiped away the tears that scorched me, ignoring my own that refused to stop. His blues bore into my hazels, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. He had been through so much. He had probably loved her to no extent, and how many women craved for lovers like him? She had just taken him for granted. She had just torn him apart, and by trying to take Sia away, ripped those torn shreds into tinier pieces. How could one get so selfish, I wondered to myself.
With my palms still on his cheeks, I noticed how we were only inches apart from each other and I wanted to take away those memories that haunted him. I felt my heart beat increase pace as the breeze gushed into the room, making his hair flutter and my senses stop responding. We were both inching closer with every second and finally, giving in to my heart's desire, I closed my eyes and leaned forward, pressing my lips gently onto his, trying to take that pain away. He responded only after a second or so, and it seemed as though passion had unleashed within us. The craving I had had for him for ages was working its way out as I kissed him with so much zest, so much ardour I never believed I had. His hands went round my back as he pulled out, but pulled me closer and showered my neckline, my face and any other part he could access, with urgent, needing kisses. He looked into my eyes, begging me to stop him else things would get completely carried away, but I didn't have the heart to. I wanted to reduce the hurt that he had kept hidden in himself for years and if that meant giving myself up, I was ready for it.
I led him to his bedroom, something you will be shocked at, but I still can't bring myself to regret it. And there, I searched once more into his soul for the pain that had been dominating them however only found heightened passion.
"Riddhima.." he whispered. Maybe he was going to tell me to run away, but I was too intoxicated by him to wait for what he was about to say.
"I love you Armaan.." I replied and pulled him closer to myself, savouring every touch, every feel of his skin on my bare body.
The sun rays seeped through my closed eyelids, forcing them to open, to accept the truth. I don't regret what happened, I never did, or probably ever will. Because I had finally achieved what I wanted. His pain was gone, at least for one night.
His overlarge shirt on me felt overwhelmingly comfortable as I noticed his arm around my waist and could feel his steady breath on my neck, making my heart flutter all the more. I could tell he was still asleep and not wanting to disturb him, I lay motionless with my eyes open. How long I lay there without moving an inch I wouldn't know, but I was startled back to Earth when his hand suddenly withdrew from my waist and his warm breaths got snatched away from my body. Confused, I saw him sitting upright on the bed, a sort of guilty look darkening his handsome features which I adored so much. My heart sunk by the second as I continued to stare at his horrified profile. He wasn't happy with what had conspired between us the previous night. He wasn't happy. And that just made want to cry my heart out, in solace.
"Riddhima.." he whispered as he saw me and I quickly tried to hide the furious beating my heart was doing, and the tears that were pricking my eyes with every second, threatening to spill. I looked away and got out of the bed, thankful for his shirt that came up to my upper thighs.
"Uhmm..I should..I should go..before.." Before I cry any moment! I wanted to scream out. "Before..Sia wakes up." Perfect excuse and without looking back, I rushed to the door, only to be stopped by a
"Riddhima.." I didn't have the courage to turn around and face him. Biting my lower lip, I shut my eyes. One night stand was it? No, I wasn't one of those types. Maybe he saw it as a mistake, but I didn't.
"You love me..?" he continued and I was sure his eyes were boring into my back. I bit my bottom lip and forcefully turned around. I did love him! I loved him a lot! And that somehow gave me unknown courage to look up into his eyes and nod confidently. But his crestfallen face as a reaction sent another set of arrows piercing through the very veins in which all the blood pumped for him!
"It's ok. You don't have to..you know. Love me." I managed to bring out, shutting my eyes for more courage. I gave him a small, wry smile. "After all, it doesn't always have to be reciprocated does it?"
"I like you." He put in and I opened my eyes again, wondering if I was sane. His blues were portraying slight guilt and a horde of other emotions I failed to comprehend. "I like you a lot. But I can't forget Neha. I've tried, Riddhima. I just can't.."
Another sword. It felt like committing suicide, standing there while he went on about how much Neha had meant to him. Clearly, he didn't that much to her if she left him, twice! I couldn't help but let a tear escape my eyes, to relieve the agony, the torment I was being put through. The lump in my throat got bigger and I muttered an
"I understand.." before turning and fleeing to my own room, locking the door behind me and letting the gush of tears flow down. Why was I crying now? Shouldn't I have expected this? Expected this before sleeping with him? But that wasn't what hurt. What hurt was that he couldn't get over her. And right now, his pain had combined with mine as I sobbed once more, while heading to the shower. Years away from being with someone who cares made me a stronger person. But now, I felt weak, vulnerable. Will I ever be able to love again, was the question that flooded my mind. Then it hit me. If I was feeling like I was for Armaan, he was probably feeling the same way for Neha. If I could probably never love again, he could probably never love again either. Then how, ignoring his feelings, did I ever think I could ever be the object of his affection. He could like me. He could like me a lot. But he couldn't love me. And that's where it hurt.
"We have to talk.." he muttered while I settled Sia down with her breakfast of Spanish omletts. She adored food cooked by my hand and I was only to happy to serve it to her everyday. I led the way into the kitchen and turned to him, not being able to meet his eyes.
"I.. I want to give this a chance." He suddenly blurted out, making my head shoot up in complete surprise. "I want to give us a chance." A mumbled, looking directly at me. My fears faded. My hopes rose. There was an us. Maybe, my first love wouldn't turn out the way I thought it would. One chance, I would do anything to show him how much I adored him.
"You..you don't have to do this. I don't need sympathy.." I muttered, just incase. I wasn't one who enjoyed pity.
"I want to do this.." he replied and as I looked up, the sincerity in his eyes had me smiling. Closing my eyes to capture the moment, I leaned in and suddenly felt his lips on mine. He had taken the initiative as well! He lips gently probed mine as his arms secured themselves around my back, making me feel protected. My happiness had heightened by a million folds. Little did I know that it wasn't to last.
I smiled once more,. Yes things were still slightly awkward. But the awkwardness would leave wouldn't it?
"Riddhi.." Sia called me out of the kitchen and out of my memories. She had called to tell me they were doing a play in school. Well, more of a musical about Jonah and Whale and I had to come and see her sing. I looked across at Armaan, who was frowning slightly, in deep thought and didn't need to ask him the matter. The matter was clear, in front of me in two weeks time when we went to show our support to Sia. During that time, Armaan and I had reumed the old friendship we shared, and sometimes gave in to a kiss or two. But it was nothing too passionate like that night.
"Daddy, Riddhi!!" Sia squealed as she came up to us.
"You were wonderful, Sia. I'm so proud of you.." Armaan said as he showered his daughter with kisses. This brought a huge grin on her face, which only widened while I complimented her too.
"There's Momma and Raj!" she said excitedly and got down from her father's arms, running to a beautiful woman dressed in black, standing next a handsome man who looked like he was wasting his time by attending such a function. Neha however, smiled down at Sia while I looked side ways at Armaan. Raj could be as handsome as he wanted, but he was nowhere near Armaan, my heart shouted out! Armaan jaw clenched as he noticed the protruding belly of his ex wife, his eyes screaming the agony I had tried my hardest to erase. I felt my heart bleed for him. Bleed for his condition. He didn't look at me once, while I continued to stare at Armaan, then at Sia with her mother, who was carrying her proudly and kissing her occasionally while listening to her melodious chatter. Where was I in this picture, I wondered, feeling my happiness fade by the moment.
Armaan was frozen. Automatically, I slid my hands into his, curling my fingers tight around his palm when I saw Neha turn to look at us. There was no hatred in her eyes. There was no grief. A sad, yet happy sort of genuine smile formed on her face as her eyes met with Armaan's. I felt my heart weigh me down. Armaan never reciprocated that hold. I didn't feel his fingers curl around my palm. That hurt. It hurt a lot.
Neha flashed her light brown eyes at me, in acknowledgment, while I masked my inner emotions and smiled back.
I should have known then, that she would probably mean a lot more to him than I ever would. She was probably his one and only love, and I could have no place near her in his heart. He would always, always love her. And I? I would always love him. That much I was sure of.
As I cleared the stuff off the table with him that night, silence pursued between us. I didn't know what to do. Shouldn't I have anticipated this? Not knowing what to feel, what to do, I headed to room without saying a word to him. He didn't even notice. Probably was still emerged in Neha's thoughts, I figured, the thought stabbing me in the guts. However, I had something else on my mind too. Why had I missed my periods? I was supposed to start a day back. And they never came late. Before I could jump to conclusions, I thought to wait for a while. A week at least. Maybe it was just all that stress and emotion rally I was going through that made my hormones go haywire.
Two more weeks in, and I had completely missed my periods, making my suspicion turn into something I was fifty one percent sre of. Armaan and I still maintained that relationship I desperately tried to hold on to, and in the process, completely forgetten the happenings at Sia's school. Call it my ignorance, or call it my desperateness. I wouldn't know.
That was my dream wasn't it. To have a loving family. Maybe he'd be happy. Maybe the arrival of this new life would rid him off the miseries of the past life. Maybe he'd actually start loving me! Sia had a sibling! Well, she was going to have one anyway, but now Sia had a sibling with my blood! I hoped he (or she) would get the adorable blue eyes and dimples of their father. In fact, he could look completely like their father which would just make me adore him more! Why was I so sure it was going to be a baby boy?
With a small smile playing on my face, my heart delighted, a new bounce with every step I took, the reports rustling in my hand that I couldn't help peeking at every now and then, I reached home. Yes, it was home now. And hopefully it was going to be home forever! My dream was going to be complete. One big happy family. It was all worth it. All those struggles, all those lonely nights, I was getting hold of my life. Finally. Feeling elated, I rushed to the kitchen. I would cook all of Armaan's favourite dishes today. I would cook whatever Sia liked and if she wanted more, I would cook that too. They had both given me the world's best gift possible! A family! A family I would love and cherish. A family I wouldn't force my decisions on. And nothing could tire me out today. I put my hand on my tummy, trying desperately to feel the life that was inside. But that was obviously not possible, yet!
Was that how everyone felt when they were pregnant? Was that how beautiful life suddenly looked to them? This would finally erase the eons of hurt I had witnessed in his heart forever. That had been his dream too hadn't it? To have a loving family? And I was completing it. Just like he had completed mine. My smile widened at the thought. Maybe he would learn to love me like he loved Neha. Maybe this baby, our baby, would bring us closer. And I promised to myself, to never let him go through all that he had been through with Neha ever again.
"Riddhima.." he called as he entered with Sia and I rushed up to him, enveloped my arms around him, not caring that Sia was watching intently. I didn't notice his somber, serious face. I didn't notice that he was later than usual, heck, time had flown while I had been busy immersed in my thoughts.
"What happened? Why are you this happy?" he asked, putting his arms around me, like I loved.
I wanted to burst with happiness. Smiling, I kissed his cheek and split apart. His brows fused in confusion and I couldn't help but giggle at that adorable look his face had.
"Lets have dinner.." I announced, making my mind up to tell him afterwards incase he choked on his food.
"But what happened..?"
"Nothing. I made dinner," I insisted and led Sia to the dining room, the smile not leaving my face, the shine still evident in my eyes.
When should I tell him? Maybe now would be the best time, I thought as I watched him put Sia to bed from the entrance of her room. I could picture both of us putting our baby to bed, just like Mumma and Papa used to when I was young. Very young, because after that, I was expected to go sleep myself otherwise stay awake. I wiped the lone tear that escaped my eye. It was the overwhelming feeling of finally accomplishing my dream. The one I had wished for, hoped for, for so long. I made my way into the room and kissed Sia's forehead. She really was an angel. Just like her father. His blue eyes met mine in the dark room and I signaled him to come outside.
"Riddhima.." he started just as I was wondering how to tell him. 'Armaan we're having a baby'? No, that sounded like we were already married. 'Armaan I'm pregnant'? No that sort of sounded like I didn't want the child and already gave a negative jibe about it. 'Armaan I'm expecting'? Maybe. That sounded a lot better.
"Riddhima, Neha and Raj got divorced." Armaan put in, his voice blank, off any emotion. My mind suddenly stopped functioning as I continued staring at him. "She seeked for a divorce.."
"Isn't she pregnant though?" I asked, confusion evident on my face. What was he getting at? What did he mean by just telling me the Neha and Raj got divorced. My head whirled as I thought of the worst possible cases.
"Yes. She was in the hospital and I went to visit her after picking up Sia." I must have been too numb to realize the gravity of what he just said, and the effect it had on me.
"And.." I whispered, wanting him to get to the main point, hoping against hope that my heart wouldn't be shredded to tiny pieces.
"I asked her if she would like to come back with me."
"She didn't have a place to stay?"
"She did. I meant come back, as in a family again." His voice was even and he looked down at the carpet beneath us. This was it. I felt my heart stop. My world came crumbling down, my hopes were shattered, and if he had told me that a day earlier, maybe it wouldn't have hurt this much. Too shocked to react, I stood there, motionless, looking at his pain staken face like I used to before. Difference was, now I couldn't feel his pain. Now, I couldn't even feel my own. If a million swords were clashing through my body, I wouldn't have been able to notice them. You should have known! A part of me screamed out. You should have known, before weaving all those dreams about you and Armaan! But I had been hoping as well hadn't I? Who was banned from hoping? Who could stop themselves from hoping?
"So..she's..coming..?" Why couldn't I complete it? It was simple. I was supposed to say 'back to this house,' right? And it seemed so easy in my head. But to bring those words out of my mouth seemed a trillion times harder. Because it wasn't a house for me. It was a home. Something I had dared to call my home. Something that now came and slapped me round the face with so much force I could feel myself falling down. It was never mine to begin with.
"No." he answered back. "She refused to. Said I deserved better." His forlorn face shook me all the more and I realized. It wasn't her coming back, or not coming back that was the issue with my heart here. It was him asking her to come back. It was him going up to her, and asking her to be part of his life, even after all she did, even after all he'd been put through, even after all we'd shared. It was him letting his ego take a back seat and going up to her and offering his hand. It was him loving her that much, that made me realize that maybe, maybe I never did fit into their picture. I swallowed. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. Not yet, the shock was too huge for me.
"And, where does that leave us?" I whispered barely audibly, but he heard every single word.
"I don't know. I couldn't keep this from you." I nodded. "Riddhima, please understand me. It's all I ever wanted in life. A loving family."
'I could give you that family Armaan!' I wanted to scream out, but his next words left me completely immobile and rendered me speechless.
"with her."
How I could bear that, I don't know. How anyone could go through it, I don't know. Maybe it was years of living alone that allowed me take in all of his words. Maybe it was years of being rejected by my family that enabled me to withstand one more rejection. Maybe, was all I had for answers.
I must have become really pale, or I might have been shaking slightly, because concern immediately took over on his face as his eyes met mine.
"Are you ok?" he extended his hand to help me, but I backed off. Just like he had shunted aside my hand of help. I looked at him once more. He had done that for his love hadn't he? Like I would do for him? Armaan, all alone? No, I would rush to help him. I would still want to be with him. Then wasn't he doing the same thing for his beloved? Wasn't he taking the same steps I would have taken?
"I'm fine." Was all I managed to utter, in my broken voice, before fleeing to my room and locking the door behind me. Leaning against the wooden structure, I let the dams break.
It was over. Everything. Everything I had dreamed for, everything I had wished for had come to an abrupt end. Why was it always me? Was I really cast with the bad omen like my Mum had told me as soon as I had run away? Of course at that point I had been too young, too free, too vibrant to believe her. And when Armaan and Sia came into my life, it was an old myth. But now it came crashing back, as I slid down on the floor. Damn these tears, which wouldn't stop. Was I crying for myself? Or was I crying for Armaan? The answer stared at me in the face when I glimpsed my pregnancy report. I was crying for my dream. That one dream I had dared to weave, which came crumbling down around my own feet, and I couldn't do anything, but watch helplessly.
The question still remained unanswered as I got up and took the brown envelope off my bedside table. Should I tell him? Should I tell him about my baby? About our baby? He would accept it, of that I was sure. And that would mean he would accept me! And we could still have that family.. I scorned at myself. A family without love? A family where my child's parent's love was only one sided? Where my child might catch me crying every night? No, Armaan wouldn't make me cry. But horror struck, as I realized something else. Suppose she walked back? Suppose Neha walked back in claiming her husband and child. What would I do then? Armaan would be faced with the horrid choice of choosing between his love and his responsibility. How could I let him do that? The envelope in my hand had absorbed some of the tears that dripped down. My hand went to my stomach and caressed it. There was no going back. I had to have this child. And I couldn't let Armaan know. It would be too selfish.
Loud knocks brought me out of my thoughts.
"Riddhima.." I heard Armaan's urgent voice. "Are you OK?"
It wasn't important to answer. Surely he didn't really care.
"Riddhima if you don't open the door, or at least answer, I'll have to break it!"
"I'm fine!" I choked out, and another set of tears tore down my cheeks, ripping me into small pieces. I wasn't fine! I wasn't fine at all! I wanted him to barge in, take me in his arms, assure me that what he said was a lie. Tell me he'd grown to love me and only me, but Alas - the bitter truth was so sour it stung me as I digested ever inch of it.
I sobbed into the pillow. I was just a friend for him. Just a friend. A friend he had grown to like. A friend he could never give Neha's place to. Because he'd only ever loved one girl in his life. And that was Neha. He'd loved Neha. Who was I compared to her? A no one! I wasn't as beautiful as she was, neither was I doing the risky job of saving countless women from forced marriages like she was. I was just an ordinary girl, with ordinary dreams, who had struggled in her past, and had more struggle written in her future. A girl who was rejected by everyone she loved. And it hurt. Armaan would always love Neha. And it wasn't as though he hadn't tried, he had. He'd looked back, seen me feel for him, and given us a chance. But I could probably have a million chances yet just not be anywhere close to what Neha had been for him. Another gush of tears poured out.
"Riddhi.." she mumbled and I smiled.
"Are you going to school on a saturday?" she asked yawning and rubbing her eyes. "Do I have to go with you?" I smiled at her. After all, it was only on school days that they had to wake up this early.
"No Baby, I'm going away."
"Where?" she asked innocently, her brows scrunching up in confusion. I didn't have the answer to that question. I had to go. I couldn't stay here. It would be too hard.
"Somewhere. I don't know where."
"Will you come back?" I felt my eyes cloud up and I sniffed. She deserved to know the truth. True, she was only a kid. But a smart kid.
"I don't think so.."
"Then why are you leaving me and Papa?"
"I have to. I'm sorry."
"What's that.." he asked, as he followed me to the living room while opening the envelope, where I had kept my bag, but I couldn't answer him. "You're resigning? Why? How? What are you doing Riddhima! Where will you go? You can't get a job without a degree these days!"
"I know." Were my words.
"Then why..?" I turned around to face him as I got to the door, tears getting the better of me.
"I'll share Rhea's apartment. I've got enough savings and experience. I'll manage."
"You're leaving me? Like Neha did?" he asked, his eyes bloodshot but I shook my head.
"There's a difference Armaan. You loved her, not me. It probably didn't hurt her to leave you as much as it hurts me. She loved Raj. But I only loved you, and you could only ever love her."
"Then why are you leaving me all alone?" he asked, his voice breaking and a tear dropping out of his eye. I smiled sarcastically.
"You've got Sia. Who do I have?" I wiped my tears and looked up at him again.
"Stay, at least as a friend." I shut my eyes. He was making it so much harder. I couldn't stay as a friend. Had I not been pregnant, I may have considered it, just for the sake of not leaving him alone, but now, I shook my head.
"I can't Armaan." I told him in a desperate, quiet, voice. "I can't live.. in fear.. every single second, thinking.. that if she walks back in anyday, you'll accept her openly." I took a huge pause. "Where will that leave me Armaan? I would hate for you to choose between your love and.. someone you feel indebted to."
"I'm sorry.." he whispered and I forced a smile despite my tears.
"They say you love only once. And I guess we've both done our share. I'll always love you."
"I'm sorry for everything I did.." I shushed him before he had another go at ripping me apart.
"I don't regret anything that ever happened between us. We both had the same dream. Our paths were just different." Placing my right hand on his left cheek, I leaned forward and kissed his other cheek, letting my lips linger for a tad second longer. Shutting my eyes tighter, I pulled away and turned around, knowing I was leaving my everything behind. But I had a few precious memories with me that I would always cherish. Sia's completed colouring book, Armaan's shirt and loads of photos. I knew I would always pray for his happiness, then even if that meant praying that Neha went back to him.
As I shut the door behind me, I broke down once more while the sun light spread its warmth over my numb, lifeless body as I walked to the gate. I felt my insides being ripped apart with the decision I had taken. I had no idea where life would lead me, but I had to continue it. For the sake of my baby, whom I would still adore with all my life. I looked back once more at the home that had been my dream. But now, I was forced to shunt it aside, my broken dream.*EDITED*
Finally I'm editing this :P I was the first to reserve but last to edit LMAO
Coming to the OS, FABULOUS is the word, really. I was blown away by the whole thing! How the hell do you write like that??? :|
Every female staff in the firm ogled at him. They all dreamt about him. But I wanted to just live life, find my prince charming like every other girl and start a loving family with him.
Aww mela Armaan is shoo cuteee :D LOL everyone loveees him ;) Aww and when I first read this I was so sure this OS would be a happy one! No regrets on how it turned out though :)
I adored how he drops her home! SO cute <3 And Riddhima's family makes me angry :| It's hard to believe that kind of mentality still exists. Honestly, it irks me to no end to see girls being treated like that! And I'm so glad Riddhima isn't the silent sufferer types! She left :) I love her for that <3
Aww when he asked her to move in it was SO SO SO adorable!!! Really, perfect setting for a love story :D And I LOVEE his daughter! And her name :D the name's so pretty :) If I have a baby girl someday, Imma name her Sia or maybe Arushii or maybe Anokhi :D They're my favorite girl names! Oi! Has mat 😆
"I know the house is mine, so there's not much rent you can chip in with besides the tax which I won't let you, but I really need someone to do the grocery shopping which I can't manage at all..!" He complained, making me giggle. "Then I can make you over work too..!"
"Are you trying to persuade me to shift in or run away?" I asked, laughing. His eyes shone in amusement. But why would he want me to shift in? The question was answered.
Wee this was uber-cute! Really! I love the camaraderie they share :) It's pretty amazing! Really, Sanaa, you write too well for your own good LMAO :D
I loved the way you put in Sia's insecurities! OMG I hate Raj :P And Neha too :P Broke my Armaan's heart! Bitch :|
I felt a tear drop out of my eye at his confessions. Partly because he had done so much for her! And partly because that's when hurt settled in. To know he loved someone else so deeply once upon a time, and maybe now he did too? The lump in my throat refused to leave but stubbornly, I sat there absorbing every pain, every wound his words cut into me like a sharp knife, silently and without complaining.
I don't know why but I loved this bit. Beautifully written <3
The next part, that is, Armaan's past was so heart wrenching! How could she possibly break his heart like that? And even after all that he loves her, so so so much! *sniff* I'm so glad he fought for Sia's custody! :)
And I love Riddhima in this OS! Not only because of her courage and stuff but also because she loves him so much and so deeply, without expecting anything in return! I mean, obviously she wants him to love her back [who doesn't :P] but then she's okay with the fact that he loves someone else, and is ready to accept him :) Amazing, she is!
Oooh they slept? To be honest I wasn't expecting it but it was beautifully written :)
And when you wrote about Armaan feeling guilty, my heart TOTALLY went out to Riddhima! I can't possibly imagine what she must have felt!
Oh but when Armaan said that he wanted to give them a chance I was like - Yay!!! Seriously, I felt like telling Neha - Take that you bitch! :P LMAO :D I liked how in one paragraph you showed the slow progress of their relationship :) <3
Aww Sia in her play was so cute :D But the bit after it when Armaan was all sad after seeing Neha pregnant almost made me cry! That single line where you said, he didn't reciprocate the squeeze of her hand said SO much! Really, all your words are so full of emotions! Especially in this OS! Once I finished reading from start to finish I honestly felt blown away and emotionally drained! It's like I was IN the story! Don't write so well Sanaa, I'm forced to give long comments 😆
OhMyGosh Riddhima became pregnant? :O I sure as hell wasn't expecting it! To tell you the truth I kind of realized at this point that the OS wouldn't be happy. I don't know why ut I had this intuition that Armaan wouldn't get to know about the baby at all :| But the way you portrayed Riddhima's feelings, the elation that she felt, was all so beautiful :)
And then he says Neha and Raj got divorced. And I was like - Say whaaat? And the next bit made me cry :( He loves her so much! But a part of me was like - Riddhima's a million times better, dude! But then love is love...he's probably going to love Neha all his life :)
I felt horrible for Riddhima, she was rejected by everyone she had come to love. But then she is so strong! This has to be one of my favorite Riddhimas ever :)
"They say you love only once. And I guess we've both done our share. I'll always love you." "I'm sorry for everything I did.." I shushed him before he had another go at ripping me apart. "I don't regret anything that ever happened between us. We both had the same dream. Our paths were just different." Placing my right hand on his left cheek, I leaned forward and kissed his other cheek, letting my lips linger for a tad second longer. Shutting my eyes tighter, I pulled away and turned around, knowing I was leaving my everything behind. But I had a few precious memories with me that I would always cherish. Sia's completed colouring book, Armaan's shirt and loads of photos. I knew I would always pray for his happiness, then even if that meant praying that Neha went back to him.
I have no words for this, really. It's so darn heart-breaking but so well written!
All in all, this was probably your best OS so far! The way you've managed to capture the range of emotions is fabulous! Although it had a sad ending, I loved it! And to tell you the truth, a happy ending wouldn't be justified! I love the way she loves Armaan, so deeply :) And Armaan loves Neha, just as much.
I can't tell you enough how awesome Riddhima is! Really! She had so much character but she wasn't you know...ermm unrealistic? In fact she was so relatable :) And I'm sure with her baby, she's gonna be alright, and maybe someday she'll find another Armaan to weave her dreams with <3
Okay since I've been praising Riddhima so much, it doesn't mean Armaan wasn't nice! He was! It's just that he loved someone else! And he loved Neha with the forever kind of love :) Although if I was in his place, I would've never put up with Neha but hey he loved her! Who knows how they'd react at that time?! Abhi while reading the OS I might say I wouldn't put up with it but maybe if I was in his place and loved someone just like him I'd react like him too?
And umm I've been calling Neha a bitch but the end sort of reduced my dislike for her. Maybe she's just a confused woman and not necessarily a bad one! :) Okay Neha may be nice but I still hate Raj. :P
And since I've commented on every character, how could I forget Sia? :D She was uber-cute :) And although she wasn't directly involved in any of the events in the OS she was so important for them all :) I loved her farewell scene with Riddhima :) <3
There. I'm finally done! That was one hell of an OS Sanaa :) I loved it <3
Regarding your note, I don't think a happy ending would've suited the OS! Although I'm an AR-ian, this OS was wonderful just the way it is! And don't think twice before posting sad OS'! You're a writer, don't curb your creativity just because people don't like it when AR don't end up "together" in the conventional sense :)
Love you :) <3
xoxo
Aanya
P.S - I have to get back to studying now, I shall edit the other comments later :) <3
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