This is my paradise- Not the one with the blue skies and sunny days and long walks with greenery all around me.No- mine is a paradise with bright red sky with a sun that could set any moment.Mine was a paradise where the light was a novelty ;where darkness could descend any moment.Mine was a paradise which could end at a moment's notice.
And yet I revel in it and its imperfections- For life could never be perfect-For I could never be perfect-I could never be truly happy ' not even if I try my level best- Not even if all my dreams and wishes came true- I would never be truly happy and there was one reason behind this.I was human.
I would always want more.
I always smiled when I read that note- It was a sad smile and yet a smile nevertheless.And why not- I have a story to tell- Not one where goodness overcame the evil or where the prince rode off with his love into the darkness to live happily ever after.It was a story nevertheless- and like the paradise just described I revel in its imperfections-I would always love it in spite of its impact.
This is a story which should have no beginning and so I am unsure how to begin.I choose my own humble beginnings and if that offends you ' well so be it.I was born in the not- so distinguished household of Mr.and Mrs. Trivedi.I was the second in line.My brother was three years my senior and when I came along I completed the perfect family- a sweet little daughter duly delivered at 11 am on a Monday morning just as respected by my mother to God.
My parents always thanked God for being so kind to them.I never saw any reason to doubt their faith for God gave them everything they asked for.Everyone wants an intelligent son who would take over the family business and look after his parents-My brother was just that- He reveled in helping father- He dutifully completed his degree in something and joined my father in the family bakery business.It paid off well.I knew when the time came he would marry a beautiful and dutiful girl who would also be the gem of my parents' eye.
Do I sound jealous? Well I am not- My parents had enough love to spare and they loved me to the core.I guess it helped that I was a daughter and the dreams they wove around me were much different from the ones they had from my brother-Nishant Trivedi.I was my father's favorite company- He loved talking to me.I knew he enjoyed my frequent retorts though he always pretended to be angry.Ma on the other hand was often quite alarmed to see my mannerisms and Papa's anger and Ma's concern kept on growing over the years as I grew up.
You see I was the daughter they had prayed for but not the type they wanted.By some malfunction I was delivered in the wrong family.Maybe God was so busy tailor-making my parents' other wishes that He gave me the right gender but the wrong temperament.I do not know and I guess that is something I could not ever hope to find out.
I never realized when I started to deviate from what my parents called normal but it started with things they approved of.I was six when I first got my hands on a book- While other girls played I read- When other girls giggled about their crushes I read their faces- While they exchanged notes on their dresses I read the jealousy in their tones and while they worried about getting a boyfriend I was worried over finding the perfect line for my latest piece of writing.As I continuously told my mother-
"I am abnormal.I don't do things other girls do- I guess that's okay because I am abnormal enough to be happy about the way I am.""
She used to smile at first at my proclaimation but as I started approaching my marriage-able age this started to trouble her.
"Don't say that- What if people actually start believing that you are abnormal?Who will marry you then?"
Well- I think you have guessed what her dream was- When I was born it was decided.My aim in life would be to get married as well as I can.As with thousands of girls my parents taught me there is no difference between a son and a daughter- they send me to the same school as my brother- encouraged me to do as well as I could in my studies and once I excelled in them,they let me know what my dream should be-My every action was to be judged by its reaction- whether this affects my marriage prospects or not
"You cant be a lawyer- No wants to marry a lawyer girl.They are said to argue too much- No mother would like such a girl for her son."
"Gosh Aastha put on some lipstick as well.You are 18 ' almost ready to be married.You need to look good to catch people's eyes now."
"I wish you would stop talking infront of people.I know what you are saying is right but you are unmarried and if they know you talk so much.Everyone likes a shy and demure girl."
Of course they did.I was no shy or demure girl and I was no perfect daughter.God had made a slight mistake in delivering their wishes and the time had come to let my parents know about it.I did not dream of marrying anyone.I did not dream of love either- Yes that makes all of you girls cringe at me but hey I admitted I am abnormal did not I?Dont get me wrong- everyone wants love and everyone gets it- I would too- but I did not think it was my top priority.I had already fallen in love- With the beautiful play of words and onslaught of logic - I dreamt of being a lawyer - of speaking with my analytical skills.I knew where that should take me 'It was not in the house of Mr.Sabherwal or in the bedroom of Mr.Sabherwal's son Abhay.
"I don't see why you are saying no.Abhay is an amazing guy.He is well-educated and he has prospects.Why cant you marry him?"my father asked right after I finished college and was proposed to by a very confident Abhay Sabherwal.
"I think he is a great guy but-"
"But what?Dont say you love someone-"put in my dearest mother.
"Even if you are its okay"said my brother. "Its your life Ash- If you love someone we are willing to accept it."
I stared at them knowing they would not understand.My family could not understand me.My dreams were much bigger ' they never even thought half as big.
"Its not Abhay- its marriage- I don't want to get married."I announced taking in everyone's reaction.
My brother was staring at me,astounded.My father was red,anger evident in his face.My mother was smiling at me,curiously.
"I understand beta- Every girl says that.No one wants to leave their parent's house and go away.But trust me its all worth it.Every married woman would say that.Its all worth it- being loved by someone is '"
I almost smiled.Did she pick it out of some hindi serial?I guess so 'One reason why our country is still sexist- it takes entertainment packages too seriously.
"Ma- I don't think its worth it.I lived all my life playing by the rules- not doing anything I like because it would ruin my marriage prospects.I should not party,I should not speak my mind,I should not wear western outfits,I should not talk too much or choose a career which makes me unmarriageable-and after all this when I get what I did all this ' what do I get?A house,a husband and another bunch of rules to live with- Don't work, don't party,don't write because a perfect daughter-in-law would not do that."
My mother closed her mouth and my father burst out.
"What is wrong with you?What are you saying- what else do you want?"
I shook my head.
"I am not saying there is anything wrong with wanting all that.I think housewives are truly admirable but what if someone does not want that- someone wants something else-"
"What do you want?"
I lowered my head.
"I want to be a lawyer"
My mother gasped.
"Who would want to marry a girl that qualified?"
"I said I don't want to get married."
My father threw the newspaper down.It landed with a soft thud.
"How can I have an unmarried daughter?What would people say?"said my mother.
"But Ma'"
"Enough!"roared my father. "You listen to me young lady- you get this notion out of your head- You cannot be an architect and you will get married.I leave the choice of the boy in your hands- but you will marry.Every girl should be married ' that's their first obligation"
I stood there silently.But it was not the time to keep my opinions to myself so I said quietly.
"You should have never made me study- You should have never encouraged me to top the class Papa.And you should have never been happy and proud when they awarded me with Merit Awards- Why did I go through all that when an academic career is impossible for me.Why did you equip me to dream when I was not allowed to dream at all?"
My father stared at me.
"My decision is final."
The conversation was over.The fight was not- It took two months to finalise things-I applied to UCL Law Faculty, got accepted with scholarship and transferred my dowry fund to my international student bank account in London and announced my departure to my family.
Ma went to pieces- My father wanted to rip me to pieces-My brother stood firmly by my side but never accepted that I was right.Rather than disown me they took a chance but as I started my way to Terminal 2 for my flight I read in their faces-
They wanted me to fail and come back.
I was not going to fail, I promised myself just as my flight touched down at Heathrow.And that is the day the story begins-
- I am sure you thought it had already begun ' I do ramble sometimes- you should know that as well as that I am Aastha Trivedi- recently arrived at the place where her true journey began.
This is a very different story from the ones I have written.I hope you all comment on it.Tell me how you like it- Once again its not a typical story-
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