Posted:
This goes to Sara and Zoya for giving us Likhavat and to all of you for making holidays so enjoyable for me. This is basically Shravan Malhotra discovering his feelings for Suman Tiwari from episode 4 to episode 72
ShraMan OS: My best friend
When I first land in India and stand in front of Malhotra Mansion. I promise myself one thing. I will not let her break me like she had done it so subtlety in the past. I won't ever utter her name from my own mouth. I won't ever face her. I have come as a visitor and will go back as one.
I have spent ten long years of my life, trying to mend my broken heart. Ten years of playing hide and seek with my demons, ten years of running away like a thief. Today, I have come back. And it's not to stumble back into the grave of treachery and humiliation I had buried myself in the first place.
"Mujhe koi Sumo yaad nahi hai." Her name, the name I have given her leaves a bitter, metallic taste in my mouth. The words roll off my tongue with such ease and facility that for a moment I am taken aback by my duelling emotions. It is a moment so liberating for me. To deny her existence like she had denied mine. The hurt that was now a part of me lessens and it's almost pleasant.
That night, my fingers wander on her profile because even though it felt good to return the favour I can't ignore the pang of hurt that hits me as I remember her retreating figure once again walking away from me.
I stand in front of the house where my love blossomed before fading to an ultimate death. My treacherous heart comes alive as soon as our eyes meet. I have seen her pictures a thousand times, but it's something else to see her standing in front of me. Her eyes grow wide with surprise and she holds back a gasp and I wonder if it's because of my height or because she never wished to see me at her doorstep.
A smile erupts on my face when I see the Rubik cube at the corner of the table. It feels oddly familiar in my hands, it's like holding tight onto the remnants of my childhood, aware that they could slip away as easily as seeds of sand.
"Itni bhi baari baat nahi thi." Her words pierce through me. She talks about the past like it's nothing and I so deeply regret to even contemplate the saying: time changes everyone. Suman Tiwari will never change. She is the rock which goes through the seasons, through the years without getting as much as a scratch on its surface. She is the same self-obsessed, manipulative and selfish girl I have grown up with.
My legs feel anchored to the floor as the memory of betrayal seeps through me. I have decided to show her how capable this bakhoda really is. This is my farewell gift to her and I will make sure that she remembers it for the rest of her life.
She walks into the party, there is an aura around her that does not permit me to take my eyes away from her. I can't get over how beautiful she looks wearing that gown. There is something about the colour blue against her smooth skin. It complements her like no other and my fingers itch to trail down her bare arms. Her hair looks like tentacles of silk and my fingers want to brush her fringes against her forehead.
Her eyes lit up beautifully as I come into her sight of light and for a moment, only for a moment as I twirl her around and hold her in my arms as if she was made of glass, I allow myself to bask into the proximity of the woman whose heart I am going to rip.
If her words haven't consumed me by now, the way she is looking through me - eyes shining with hope and happiness sets me off.
When I feel the back of her body against the front of mine, I nearly die. And as she slides down my body, enclosed within the safe abode of my arms, I send a quick prayer to God, hoping that she wouldn't feel my heart hammering away against her back.
It procures me a malicious pleasure to see the mighty and untouchable Suman Tiwari gazing down at the floor in shame. For once, I am the master of my own actions. My words grow viscous and I can see hope diminishing in her eyes and burn to ashes as she stares at me, disbelief marring her face. I claim disdain and indifference towards her but it takes a lone tear to trickle from her beautiful face down to hit the floor and the devious smirk that tugged had the corners of my lips flattens in a straight line.
A tiring sigh leaves her mouth and she staggers back before throwing one last look at me, probably searching for her chasmich, for the sweet boy who had always her back.
And as she runs away from the party like a thunderbolt, I find my heart breaking with hers, knowing how it feels to be humiliated. Familiar to the pain of a broken heart. Used to nursing my own wounds.
We haven't talked since that incident even though I am a frequent visitor at her home. I doubt she wants to see my face and in a way it's fine with me, it feels like closure. But the guilt seeps through me like blood every time I imagine her ashen face as she drives away, tears drenching her face.
Holi seems to have a prominent start till the moment she comes in. I keep gawking at her mesmerized, as she walks towards me, dipped in hues of colours without batting an eyelash. My eyes grow confused as I undo the knot of the red cloth she placed in my hand. My chest clenches and my eyes brim with unshed tears at the sight of her late mother's jewellery. I have been a secret confidante to these jewels she held dearer than her life.
There is a lump in my throat and I have to exhale roughly because for the first time since I have come back, I feel my stoned heart softening towards her. This simple action of hers has triggered something in me. What? I myself don't know it.
I admit it. Suman Tiwari affects me. There is this invisible pull between us that draws me towards her like a magnet. It doesn't matter how far my feet take me, I always come back to her. I don't think it through when I slap Verma, I don't ponder over my actions when I grab her hand into mine and suddenly realization hits me like a punch in the gut. I would do anything to ensure Suman Tiwari's safety. I will shield her from any harm. I will be the wall between her and the chaos of the world.
The moment we walk towards her childhood home, a bitter sweet feeling goes through my chest. We wander from one room to another and every time she enters into a room, she explains me the story behind it. Her eyes marvel in awe as her hands linger over the walls, the furniture as if she is trying to imprint everything in a locked room of her heart. During the whole day, I stand right by her side, like her shadow.
You know that feeling when you look at someone with new perception? When you look at them in the eyes and the truth of their feelings shine through? Just after they bared themselves in front of you. You feel proud and every time you look at them you can't fight the smile that takes over your face because of how far they have come and how much they have grown up.
Her sorrow acts on me like poison, it's slow and steady. First, it takes over my mind before dwelling into the crevices of my heart. The only thing that matters to me right now is her soft smile to make a permanent comeback on her face. Lately, I have come to understand one fact, Suman Tiwari's tears are unbearable to me - they cut deep.
I have forgotten how jhalli this girl is. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that I would be chasing her around my house, because this thief has stolen my phone. I am hunting her down but even my long legs seem useless because the sly fox dodges me easily. Irritation fills my mind at first but then I decide to play along.
I hold the phone at the top of my head, perks of being tall. She jumps up and down and stretches her hand to reach the phone but fails miserably. I notice that her resort of calling me names when things don't go her way hasn't changed since then.
She pulls me down by my collar and unconsciously brings my face dangerously close to hers. My attention shifts from the phone in my hand I need to protect from her claws, to the danger itself. I take time to drink in the lines of her face and I am baffled by how clear her skin is from this close by and the colour of her eyes. The underlying tension fills up the space as she is about to bite my hand but stops in the middle. She looks up at me with an expression she only dons when around me.
Holding her hand has become a habit. Her hands fit so perfectly with mine that I don't leave an opportunity to lace my fingers through hers. It's so unconscious on my part that I don't realize it till the moment she lets go of my hand and all of sudden I miss the warmth of her fingertips against the back of my palm, it feels empty.
I might have overreacted over the way she handled the Googlo Case. I am aware that it was all a pretence and yet when she says the three forbidden words that I haven't allowed myself to even whisper all these years, it pinches me in the inside.
Her heart resides in Tiwari Villa. It's the only place she could call home. And when she comes in front of me with joined hands and tries to convince me to give up onto the case, I am left flabbergasted. My heart hurts at the sight of helplessness standing in front of me. She is pleading me to back off for my and my family's happiness even if it's her own that is at stake. What are you made of Suman Tiwari?
We have won the case and while everyone is busy praising me, I don't miss her watching from afar. The smile of her face, is so big, almost blinding and her chocolate brown eyes are sparkling with a hint of admiration and it fills me with happiness. In that moment, the hurdles, the thousands of files and the sleepless nights are all worth it.
First I was in denial but now it's all crystal clear to me. Suman Tiwari is attracted to me. I haven't forgotten the day she dumped a bucket of water on my head and then stole glances at me while I changed. She also seems to have developed the peculiar tendency of walking on me when I am shirtless. The amount of hard work I put into the gym finally pays off and I couldn't be happier.
It all started as harmless banter till the moment I take a step ahead, invading her personal space and on instinct she backs away. Her eyes grow wide with stupor as her back hits the cabinet behind her. We stand so close to each other that I can observe the myriad of emotions that clouds her face. I slightly lean in only for my attention to stray from the words to the lips that form the words.
As I slip into the covers tonight, I feel lighter than I have felt in years. She has made a permanent comeback into my life, as my friend. Every time I close my eyes I can see her smiling face looking up at me as she wipes her mango-filled hand against her sky blue dress and extend it towards me. I can feel my heart beat pick up pace when I remember how I had low-key wanted to kiss my best friend back in the kitchen. I blame it over the fact that she is a beautiful woman and well I am a man who isn't immune to beautiful women.
But then comes the nagging voice in my head, who asks me, if she is like any other woman for you, then why does her proximity affect you to the state of dizziness, why does her touch feel like a burning trail on your skin, why do your eyes momentarily flicker to her eyes from her lips?
I have to go back to London. I know she isn't too happy about that, there is a lingering sadness in her voice, ever since the conversation we have had on the staircase. I don't know what happens but as soon as I get into the car to head towards the airport I tell the driver to go to Tiwari Villa. I need to see her, one last time - until we meet again.
I want to give her something to hold onto when I am gone. I want to engulf her in my arms and wipe the tears that sting at the corner of her eyes but I don't go ahead with it, not because of the fear of her reaction but mine. What if once I hold her, I am not able to let go?
My world shatter into pieces and there is this raw pain in my chest that has turned my heart numb. My only parent has left the world and I don't know how to function anymore. My thoughts are a mess and I am slowly drifting to the darkness but I can feel her pull me out of it and bring me back to the light.
When I see my father safe and sound, I am finally able to breathe. She has been by my side during the whole night and even now she forcibly tucks me inside my quilt and watches me sleep from the couch, with a small smile on her face. In the wee hours of the morning, I open my eyes to a sleeping Sumo, her head is bent to a weird angle but there is this content smile on her face that tells me that she is at peace. For the first time, since I have come back, I feel something more for her, more than friends do.
She is getting married. At first I get really agitated but then give it to the fact that she has been my only true friend. But then I start opposing to every alliance that comes her way for no concrete reason. They aren't right for her, that's what I repeat myself.
They don't know what PCT means to her. They don't know how much she values her loved ones. They don't know that she likes to cut her sandwich into two halves because it's easier to eat, they don't know that she has earnt ever dialogue of Kaho na pyaar hai, by heart. They don't know what causes the corner of her lips to pull up in a smile, they don't what makes her laugh or frown. They don't know her like I do.
She has become a frequent visitor to my office and the holder of the front seat in my car. There is always this hectic week in the month, when we can't talk to each other because of our professional commitments. When I look up from the heap of files in front of me I see a small container on my desk filled with delicacies I have been craving for. There is always a note tuck into the small container in which she writes me to let her know if I liked it.
Sometimes, she barges in the middle of the day, pretending to come to take her pay check and I would have believed her If I didn't know any better. She makes sure that I don't work till late in my office and my suspicion becomes reality when she forgets her pay check back in my office. She had come to see me.
Today, she has come to the office to apologize for hiding me the truth behind her daal. I can't stay mad at her, not after knowing that all that secrecy was to protect me.
I playfully ask her what she would do if I decided to stay mad at her and refuse to talk to her. She sits across me and ponders for a moment. I am so lost in her eyes that I don't realize it when she brings her chair closer to mine and I lean in unaware to myself.
I try to mask my smile but it only grows wider as she speaks. She says that she would try and find me and wait for me if I left. Her words have overwhelmed me so much that I can't let her go without telling her how I feel towards her.
Her smile widens and an uncharacteristic blush takes over her cheeks. The sight makes my heart swell up with happiness, Sumo who has always a retort ready on the tip of her tongue is incapable of forming coherent sentences in my presence. She ducks her head down and smiles coyly.
And as she walks away from me I can't help but keep calling her name again and again so I can imprint the image of her smiling face in my mind.
Something has changed in the way she looks at me. Her eyes fill with a perfect blend of warmth and fondness whenever they rest on me and no matter how much I reprimand my heart, no matter how many times I remind myself that we are only good friends', her effervescent laughter still pulls at the strings of my heart.
I can't explain how I feel when she takes the names of possible suitors. My heart constricts into my chest and there is nothing I can do to make this sinking feeling fade away. The thought of Sumo with someone else never crossed my mind and then I want to laugh at myself because ten years is a very long time to forget someone you were never in love with.
I have been waiting in my office for the past two hours because she said she wanted to talk about us. As the minutes pass I can feel my anger and frustration build up. Once again, I am taken for granted by the great Suman Tiwari. I lash out at her the moment she enters into the office and in a slip of a tongue I might have said the one thing I never told anyone, not even myself : I missed her.
I have to distance myself from her if I want to protect my heart from slipping all over again. It has been two days since I am avoiding her, her phone calls, her messages. I have to refrain myself from reading old conversations because my fingers itch to dial her number.
I miss it - the warmth coming off her body, her citrus scent, the sound of her voice, those late night conversations we had, as if we wanted to end the day with each other's voices ringing into our ears - I miss her.
I hate it when she talks about the past or us with this fond smile on her face because it gives my imbecile heart hope. Hope for an us, hope for something that will never be. And yet she tries to reach out to me even though I push her away, she sticks by my side under any circumstances. She doesn't leave like others.
In those moments, I would love to give her a chance, give us a chance because no one would go through these length for someone they consider merely a friend. They won't remember insignificant details about you, they won't be ready to do anything to receive someone's forgiveness unless that person means the world to them. She feels it too - the awareness of something more between us.
I don't know if I should laugh or cry at my fate which seems hell bent to make us meet halfway. Wherever I go, people enquire me about her as if we were one entity. Tonight's partyisn't an exception.
She is everywhere I go and I know that I can't hide forever. I am trying to get some semblance of peace in the open air of the terrace but she seems to be after my life. She demands answers to questions I don't even have.
She thinks that I am unable to move on with my life because of what my mother did. How do I explain to her, that I can control myself when it comes to that issue but what terrifies me is that my heart is ready to surrender the minute it comes to her.
And that's what scares me, I don't want to be on my guards anymore, I don't want to drape a blanket of safety around me when I am with her. I want to be with her without any fear or restrictions. But I don't forget the amount of hurt and despair her dismissal of my feelings have given me. I don't forget that I spent a decade, nursing the wounds given by her.
I tell her that I will never trust anyone and I see her eyes staring at me in a mix of hurt and disbelief. When I turn to look at her, she is standing on the ledge of the terrace, eyes sparkling with determination.
My heart nearly stops beating and I freeze for a moment. I am quick to regain my senses and pull her into my arms. For a moment, with raging breaths, pounding hearts and quivering hands we hold each other.
I reprimand her and asks her what made her do this stupidity. She says that she was sure that I would never let her fall and if she believes me with her life, why can't I?
I drive away mindlessly as streetlights after streetlights pass by, our conversation playing like a broken record. She trusts me with her life.
Sitting on the bonnet of my car and staring into the starry night as the breeze caresses my face. My chest tightens with sudden realization I will always be more than friends with my best friend.
I am in love with Suman Tiwari - deeply, madly, wholly and irrevocably.
--------------
I have to rush to school, bye 😆
When I first land in India and stand in front of Malhotra Mansion. I promise myself one thing. I will not let her break me like she had done it so subtlety in the past. I won't ever utter her name from my own mouth. I won't ever face her. I have come as a visitor and will go back as one.
I have spent ten long years of my life, trying to mend my broken heart. Ten years of playing hide and seek with my demons, ten years of running away like a thief. Today, I have come back. And it's not to stumble back into the grave of treachery and humiliation I had buried myself in the first place.
"Mujhe koi Sumo yaad nahi hai." Her name, the name I have given her leaves a bitter, metallic taste in my mouth. The words roll off my tongue with such ease and facility that for a moment I am taken aback by my duelling emotions. It is a moment so liberating for me. To deny her existence like she had denied mine. The hurt that was now a part of me lessens and it's almost pleasant.
That night, my fingers wander on her profile because even though it felt good to return the favour I can't ignore the pang of hurt that hits me as I remember her retreating figure once again walking away from me.
I stand in front of the house where my love blossomed before fading to an ultimate death. My treacherous heart comes alive as soon as our eyes meet. I have seen her pictures a thousand times, but it's something else to see her standing in front of me. Her eyes grow wide with surprise and she holds back a gasp and I wonder if it's because of my height or because she never wished to see me at her doorstep.
A smile erupts on my face when I see the Rubik cube at the corner of the table. It feels oddly familiar in my hands, it's like holding tight onto the remnants of my childhood, aware that they could slip away as easily as seeds of sand.
"Itni bhi baari baat nahi thi." Her words pierce through me. She talks about the past like it's nothing and I so deeply regret to even contemplate the saying: time changes everyone. Suman Tiwari will never change. She is the rock which goes through the seasons, through the years without getting as much as a scratch on its surface. She is the same self-obsessed, manipulative and selfish girl I have grown up with.
My legs feel anchored to the floor as the memory of betrayal seeps through me. I have decided to show her how capable this bakhoda really is. This is my farewell gift to her and I will make sure that she remembers it for the rest of her life.
She walks into the party, there is an aura around her that does not permit me to take my eyes away from her. I can't get over how beautiful she looks wearing that gown. There is something about the colour blue against her smooth skin. It complements her like no other and my fingers itch to trail down her bare arms. Her hair looks like tentacles of silk and my fingers want to brush her fringes against her forehead.
Her eyes lit up beautifully as I come into her sight of light and for a moment, only for a moment as I twirl her around and hold her in my arms as if she was made of glass, I allow myself to bask into the proximity of the woman whose heart I am going to rip.
If her words haven't consumed me by now, the way she is looking through me - eyes shining with hope and happiness sets me off.
When I feel the back of her body against the front of mine, I nearly die. And as she slides down my body, enclosed within the safe abode of my arms, I send a quick prayer to God, hoping that she wouldn't feel my heart hammering away against her back.
It procures me a malicious pleasure to see the mighty and untouchable Suman Tiwari gazing down at the floor in shame. For once, I am the master of my own actions. My words grow viscous and I can see hope diminishing in her eyes and burn to ashes as she stares at me, disbelief marring her face. I claim disdain and indifference towards her but it takes a lone tear to trickle from her beautiful face down to hit the floor and the devious smirk that tugged had the corners of my lips flattens in a straight line.
A tiring sigh leaves her mouth and she staggers back before throwing one last look at me, probably searching for her chasmich, for the sweet boy who had always her back.
And as she runs away from the party like a thunderbolt, I find my heart breaking with hers, knowing how it feels to be humiliated. Familiar to the pain of a broken heart. Used to nursing my own wounds.
We haven't talked since that incident even though I am a frequent visitor at her home. I doubt she wants to see my face and in a way it's fine with me, it feels like closure. But the guilt seeps through me like blood every time I imagine her ashen face as she drives away, tears drenching her face.
Holi seems to have a prominent start till the moment she comes in. I keep gawking at her mesmerized, as she walks towards me, dipped in hues of colours without batting an eyelash. My eyes grow confused as I undo the knot of the red cloth she placed in my hand. My chest clenches and my eyes brim with unshed tears at the sight of her late mother's jewellery. I have been a secret confidante to these jewels she held dearer than her life.
There is a lump in my throat and I have to exhale roughly because for the first time since I have come back, I feel my stoned heart softening towards her. This simple action of hers has triggered something in me. What? I myself don't know it.
I admit it. Suman Tiwari affects me. There is this invisible pull between us that draws me towards her like a magnet. It doesn't matter how far my feet take me, I always come back to her. I don't think it through when I slap Verma, I don't ponder over my actions when I grab her hand into mine and suddenly realization hits me like a punch in the gut. I would do anything to ensure Suman Tiwari's safety. I will shield her from any harm. I will be the wall between her and the chaos of the world.
The moment we walk towards her childhood home, a bitter sweet feeling goes through my chest. We wander from one room to another and every time she enters into a room, she explains me the story behind it. Her eyes marvel in awe as her hands linger over the walls, the furniture as if she is trying to imprint everything in a locked room of her heart. During the whole day, I stand right by her side, like her shadow.
You know that feeling when you look at someone with new perception? When you look at them in the eyes and the truth of their feelings shine through? Just after they bared themselves in front of you. You feel proud and every time you look at them you can't fight the smile that takes over your face because of how far they have come and how much they have grown up.
Her sorrow acts on me like poison, it's slow and steady. First, it takes over my mind before dwelling into the crevices of my heart. The only thing that matters to me right now is her soft smile to make a permanent comeback on her face. Lately, I have come to understand one fact, Suman Tiwari's tears are unbearable to me - they cut deep.
I have forgotten how jhalli this girl is. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that I would be chasing her around my house, because this thief has stolen my phone. I am hunting her down but even my long legs seem useless because the sly fox dodges me easily. Irritation fills my mind at first but then I decide to play along.
I hold the phone at the top of my head, perks of being tall. She jumps up and down and stretches her hand to reach the phone but fails miserably. I notice that her resort of calling me names when things don't go her way hasn't changed since then.
She pulls me down by my collar and unconsciously brings my face dangerously close to hers. My attention shifts from the phone in my hand I need to protect from her claws, to the danger itself. I take time to drink in the lines of her face and I am baffled by how clear her skin is from this close by and the colour of her eyes. The underlying tension fills up the space as she is about to bite my hand but stops in the middle. She looks up at me with an expression she only dons when around me.
Holding her hand has become a habit. Her hands fit so perfectly with mine that I don't leave an opportunity to lace my fingers through hers. It's so unconscious on my part that I don't realize it till the moment she lets go of my hand and all of sudden I miss the warmth of her fingertips against the back of my palm, it feels empty.
I might have overreacted over the way she handled the Googlo Case. I am aware that it was all a pretence and yet when she says the three forbidden words that I haven't allowed myself to even whisper all these years, it pinches me in the inside.
Her heart resides in Tiwari Villa. It's the only place she could call home. And when she comes in front of me with joined hands and tries to convince me to give up onto the case, I am left flabbergasted. My heart hurts at the sight of helplessness standing in front of me. She is pleading me to back off for my and my family's happiness even if it's her own that is at stake. What are you made of Suman Tiwari?
We have won the case and while everyone is busy praising me, I don't miss her watching from afar. The smile of her face, is so big, almost blinding and her chocolate brown eyes are sparkling with a hint of admiration and it fills me with happiness. In that moment, the hurdles, the thousands of files and the sleepless nights are all worth it.
First I was in denial but now it's all crystal clear to me. Suman Tiwari is attracted to me. I haven't forgotten the day she dumped a bucket of water on my head and then stole glances at me while I changed. She also seems to have developed the peculiar tendency of walking on me when I am shirtless. The amount of hard work I put into the gym finally pays off and I couldn't be happier.
It all started as harmless banter till the moment I take a step ahead, invading her personal space and on instinct she backs away. Her eyes grow wide with stupor as her back hits the cabinet behind her. We stand so close to each other that I can observe the myriad of emotions that clouds her face. I slightly lean in only for my attention to stray from the words to the lips that form the words.
As I slip into the covers tonight, I feel lighter than I have felt in years. She has made a permanent comeback into my life, as my friend. Every time I close my eyes I can see her smiling face looking up at me as she wipes her mango-filled hand against her sky blue dress and extend it towards me. I can feel my heart beat pick up pace when I remember how I had low-key wanted to kiss my best friend back in the kitchen. I blame it over the fact that she is a beautiful woman and well I am a man who isn't immune to beautiful women.
But then comes the nagging voice in my head, who asks me, if she is like any other woman for you, then why does her proximity affect you to the state of dizziness, why does her touch feel like a burning trail on your skin, why do your eyes momentarily flicker to her eyes from her lips?
I have to go back to London. I know she isn't too happy about that, there is a lingering sadness in her voice, ever since the conversation we have had on the staircase. I don't know what happens but as soon as I get into the car to head towards the airport I tell the driver to go to Tiwari Villa. I need to see her, one last time - until we meet again.
I want to give her something to hold onto when I am gone. I want to engulf her in my arms and wipe the tears that sting at the corner of her eyes but I don't go ahead with it, not because of the fear of her reaction but mine. What if once I hold her, I am not able to let go?
My world shatter into pieces and there is this raw pain in my chest that has turned my heart numb. My only parent has left the world and I don't know how to function anymore. My thoughts are a mess and I am slowly drifting to the darkness but I can feel her pull me out of it and bring me back to the light.
When I see my father safe and sound, I am finally able to breathe. She has been by my side during the whole night and even now she forcibly tucks me inside my quilt and watches me sleep from the couch, with a small smile on her face. In the wee hours of the morning, I open my eyes to a sleeping Sumo, her head is bent to a weird angle but there is this content smile on her face that tells me that she is at peace. For the first time, since I have come back, I feel something more for her, more than friends do.
She is getting married. At first I get really agitated but then give it to the fact that she has been my only true friend. But then I start opposing to every alliance that comes her way for no concrete reason. They aren't right for her, that's what I repeat myself.
They don't know what PCT means to her. They don't know how much she values her loved ones. They don't know that she likes to cut her sandwich into two halves because it's easier to eat, they don't know that she has earnt ever dialogue of Kaho na pyaar hai, by heart. They don't know what causes the corner of her lips to pull up in a smile, they don't what makes her laugh or frown. They don't know her like I do.
She has become a frequent visitor to my office and the holder of the front seat in my car. There is always this hectic week in the month, when we can't talk to each other because of our professional commitments. When I look up from the heap of files in front of me I see a small container on my desk filled with delicacies I have been craving for. There is always a note tuck into the small container in which she writes me to let her know if I liked it.
Sometimes, she barges in the middle of the day, pretending to come to take her pay check and I would have believed her If I didn't know any better. She makes sure that I don't work till late in my office and my suspicion becomes reality when she forgets her pay check back in my office. She had come to see me.
Today, she has come to the office to apologize for hiding me the truth behind her daal. I can't stay mad at her, not after knowing that all that secrecy was to protect me.
I playfully ask her what she would do if I decided to stay mad at her and refuse to talk to her. She sits across me and ponders for a moment. I am so lost in her eyes that I don't realize it when she brings her chair closer to mine and I lean in unaware to myself.
I try to mask my smile but it only grows wider as she speaks. She says that she would try and find me and wait for me if I left. Her words have overwhelmed me so much that I can't let her go without telling her how I feel towards her.
Her smile widens and an uncharacteristic blush takes over her cheeks. The sight makes my heart swell up with happiness, Sumo who has always a retort ready on the tip of her tongue is incapable of forming coherent sentences in my presence. She ducks her head down and smiles coyly.
And as she walks away from me I can't help but keep calling her name again and again so I can imprint the image of her smiling face in my mind.
Something has changed in the way she looks at me. Her eyes fill with a perfect blend of warmth and fondness whenever they rest on me and no matter how much I reprimand my heart, no matter how many times I remind myself that we are only good friends', her effervescent laughter still pulls at the strings of my heart.
I can't explain how I feel when she takes the names of possible suitors. My heart constricts into my chest and there is nothing I can do to make this sinking feeling fade away. The thought of Sumo with someone else never crossed my mind and then I want to laugh at myself because ten years is a very long time to forget someone you were never in love with.
I have been waiting in my office for the past two hours because she said she wanted to talk about us. As the minutes pass I can feel my anger and frustration build up. Once again, I am taken for granted by the great Suman Tiwari. I lash out at her the moment she enters into the office and in a slip of a tongue I might have said the one thing I never told anyone, not even myself : I missed her.
I have to distance myself from her if I want to protect my heart from slipping all over again. It has been two days since I am avoiding her, her phone calls, her messages. I have to refrain myself from reading old conversations because my fingers itch to dial her number.
I miss it - the warmth coming off her body, her citrus scent, the sound of her voice, those late night conversations we had, as if we wanted to end the day with each other's voices ringing into our ears - I miss her.
I hate it when she talks about the past or us with this fond smile on her face because it gives my imbecile heart hope. Hope for an us, hope for something that will never be. And yet she tries to reach out to me even though I push her away, she sticks by my side under any circumstances. She doesn't leave like others.
In those moments, I would love to give her a chance, give us a chance because no one would go through these length for someone they consider merely a friend. They won't remember insignificant details about you, they won't be ready to do anything to receive someone's forgiveness unless that person means the world to them. She feels it too - the awareness of something more between us.
I don't know if I should laugh or cry at my fate which seems hell bent to make us meet halfway. Wherever I go, people enquire me about her as if we were one entity. Tonight's partyisn't an exception.
She is everywhere I go and I know that I can't hide forever. I am trying to get some semblance of peace in the open air of the terrace but she seems to be after my life. She demands answers to questions I don't even have.
She thinks that I am unable to move on with my life because of what my mother did. How do I explain to her, that I can control myself when it comes to that issue but what terrifies me is that my heart is ready to surrender the minute it comes to her.
And that's what scares me, I don't want to be on my guards anymore, I don't want to drape a blanket of safety around me when I am with her. I want to be with her without any fear or restrictions. But I don't forget the amount of hurt and despair her dismissal of my feelings have given me. I don't forget that I spent a decade, nursing the wounds given by her.
I tell her that I will never trust anyone and I see her eyes staring at me in a mix of hurt and disbelief. When I turn to look at her, she is standing on the ledge of the terrace, eyes sparkling with determination.
My heart nearly stops beating and I freeze for a moment. I am quick to regain my senses and pull her into my arms. For a moment, with raging breaths, pounding hearts and quivering hands we hold each other.
I reprimand her and asks her what made her do this stupidity. She says that she was sure that I would never let her fall and if she believes me with her life, why can't I?
I drive away mindlessly as streetlights after streetlights pass by, our conversation playing like a broken record. She trusts me with her life.
Sitting on the bonnet of my car and staring into the starry night as the breeze caresses my face. My chest tightens with sudden realization I will always be more than friends with my best friend.
I am in love with Suman Tiwari - deeply, madly, wholly and irrevocably.
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I have to rush to school, bye 😆
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