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"Burn" - A "Shravan" OS
"I'm twisted coz one side of me's telling me that I need to move on...But the other side I wanna break down and cry..
So many days...so many hours...I'm still burning till you return..."
Two Weeks Ago...
Shravan stood there next to the burning fire looking at it, throwing some alcohol on it, and then taking a swig from the same bottle. His eyes bloodshot as he kept looking at the leaping flames. Part of him felt like he wanted to jump into that fire and just burn with it. Just burn into ashes. Maybe then this wrenching pain he was feeling would leave him. He would be free! But no. If only it was that easy! He had walked away from that fire with a "Baptism of Fire" of his own! His resolve to become a "New Shravan". A Shravan that cannot be made to dance to anyone's tune. A Shravan who would never let himself be effected by the machinations of others! THIS Shravan was going to be a law unto himself!
He had gone home and pre-empted the entry of his Brother and new sister in law. Little had he known that she would be there too, with him! Shravan's lips twisted as he saw the two of them standing in the doorway. The twist of his lips was what everyone saw, but no one saw the knife that twisted inside his heart. The burning inside. He felt like he was going to suffocate. But even in that moment, he had worn a fake smile, false bravado and celebrated the moment. Then he had asked everyone to celebrate Suman and Aditya's engagement.
"Easier said than done!"...
Watching them together had not been easy at all. It had hurt, again it burned. But burned he had. Then she had come over. Some random girl who was beautiful to look at, but had not interested him in the least. "What the F**k is wrong with me?" thought Shravan to himself. Even after Suman had betrayed him in the worst way, taken him for a ride...even still he can't seem to snap out of it, and be interested in a woman who clearly found him attractive. Hot even? She had called him cool, he had called her hot, and turned his eyes on Suman to see her reaction. Was she burning too? Did it burn her to see someone else pay him attention? "Don't be a fool Shravan! She never loved you! If she did...then she won't be standing here right now engaged to HIM! She would be standing by your side!"
"Got somebody here but I want you...cause the feeling ain't the same...find myself calling her your name..."
He had danced with the girl who clearly saw him as a catch, and then as soon as Aditya left Suman's side, gone to her and cornered her. Told her a few "home truths!" maybe it will help her in her married life. Even as he said the words "Keep your husband happy in the bedroom, and whatever he gives you in return, accept it. Be happy!" he had burned inside. The thought of her with Aditya or anyone else ripped him to shreds. Will it always burn like this? How was he going to live? He had taken another swig of the drink sitting next to him on the bar counter as she had walked away from him.
Insult to injury...he found out that night that Aditya was the son of Nirmala Ahuja. HIS Mother who left him, so she can be in the life of Aditya's Father. His father had not been good enough, and consequently him. Shravan knew she had replaced his Father, but he didn't know she had replaced him too! How easy it was for these women to "swap" one for the other? If only it had been that easy for him? If only he could have taken what that woman was clearly offering? If only he could have taken her? But NO. He could not. Because SHE was always there. Burning him! "Why don't you just leave? God-dammit! I hate you Suman...I hate you!" he said told himself as he had cursed her and his inability to move on!
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One Week Ago...
"Please Shravan...Tum mere liye ithani bhi important nahi ho ke Shaadhi jaisa decision main tumai Hurt ya Please karne ke liye lungi!"
Suman's bitter words still burned. But he had got her back.
"No one wants you Suman!" he had said. He even believed it himself as he said it. She surely did! "Man I'm good!" he told himself as he drove away, watching her standing there staring at him through his rear view mirror. Will he always keep looking back? "Kab mera peecha chorogi Suman?"
WHY did he keep getting the feeling that she was not happy? Was he reading too much into this? Chachi had surprised him by telling him that she knew of his feelings for Suman. His "Former" feelings, he qualified to himself. Chachi was good. She was very observant. He should have realised she knew. Then his Uncle had told him about the value of friendship. How he had felt the lack of a friend in his life. Congrutlated him on his luck in having a true friend. Why had he felt in that moment that something precious to him was slipping from his grip? Why did he feel the burning feeling in his chest again? Just when he thought he had put the fire out, it blazed again!
He had gone to her house and seen him writing his name on her hand, and it had felt like the letters carved into her hand was burning like acid on his heart! "Suman Aditya Ahuja" he had called her. He couldn't listen anymore. He had walked way. Only to be found by HER. The woman who had first made him lose faith in women! The first woman in his life. His Mother. But only in name. Even HER name was irrevocably twisted with the name Suman was going to be called. He hated that name.
The irony...she wanted him to leave her son and her would be daughter in law alone. "Let them be happy!" she had said. That was it. The burning inside him had blazed anew. His need to spread this fire just overwhelmed him. Wasn't it bad enough that Suman had chosen Aditya, that now his Mother had to show him even more clearly how little HE meant to her in front of her "real" son? "You'll pay for this!"
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Today...
"Everything...You wanted to know what happened between us? Everything!" the sound of his words still echoed in Shravan's ears as he left the pub where Aditya's Bachelor's party was going on. Shravan felt the burning feeling in his heart rage into an inferno. Yes it had felt good to see that expression of pure shock and horror on Aditya's face. But why did a corner of his mind tell him that he had broken some Golden rule? That he had done something he could not come back from? WHY did that thought bother him so much, when he kept telling himself he didn't give a damn?
Shravan walked to his car and held the handle of the driver's door. He gripped it hard as he remembered his words. His lips twisted. Yes, he had wiped the smug look off Aditya's face and for that he did not feel one JOT of regret. But somewhere inside him, that OLD Shravan was waking up. Trying to tell him that he had betrayed HER!
"Don't be a F**ing fool! She betrayed you first! This was payback!" he told himself. "Was it?" asked another voice. "Pay back for what? That she didn't love you back? That's damned pathetic!"
"What's pathetic was the way the old Shravan used to act! Thinking of everyone's feelings! Well this one won't!"
He had always known he was capable of being less than perfect. But in that moment he had calculatingly told Aditya that he and Suman had slept together he had even surprised himself. Because until the moment those words left his mouth, he had actually not been sure if he could do it!
"Well I could and I did!" Shravan told himself as he got in his car and drove to the same spot that he had been two weeks ago. As expected there was another half burning fire in that spot, and it looked like the same guys from that day were drinking there. He stopped his car and got down. They saw him and their eyes widened. They just turned around and left. Shravan laughed. Now he even scared goons. "You're a regular bad ass Shravan!" he told himself as he pulled the half-drunk bottle of champagne from the passenger seat of his car and walked to the fire. He took a swig off the bottle as he stared into the glowing embers.
Tomorrow she will get married and leave this city for good. Will they ever see each other again? Did it even matter anymore? It was over! They could never go back to what they used to be! Tonight had marked the end of innocence. The end of the pure friendship he and Suman had shared. He had broken all ties with her weeks ago, but today it was really over! He knew what he did was not something that can be undone. He looked at the flames that leapt in the fire he was standing in front of. He gave a mirthless laugh!
"You're a jerk Shravan! You proved to yourself and to everyone else you're not a nice guy anymore! You're not Suman's Shravan anymore!"
He felt the burning embers of the love he had felt so strongly and held so dear leap in his chest for a moment. Tears glisten in his eyes. He knew what he had done was unforgivable. Maybe that's why he did it. Closed all doors in which she can enter. He knew Aditya would repeat what he had said to her. She will deny it, but did it even matter? Because he knew she would hate him forever! He had thought 10 years ago it was over, then he had thought 6 months ago it was over, then 10 days ago. But this time...this time it really was over! All he could do was let it burn!
"Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you...hate the thought of her being with someone else...
But you know that it's over...you know that it's through...Let it burn...let it burn...Gotta let it burn!"
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*Lyrics derived from the song "Burn" by Usher - Album - Confessions - 2004
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Hi All,
I know we all have varying feelings regarding the Shravan we have seen in the past few days. Especially what he did last night. I have been wanting to write a "Shravan" OS for some time now. So today, I finally had a bit of time so did! It's just a reflective piece, not a story as such! As always, please leave comments, and don't forget to like if you do!
Love
Mandy
Bade Achhe Lagte Hain
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