AA#25[IO] - Page 53

Bhare Naina

-x-

She sat there, all alone. Once upon a time in life, she remembered how she had sought solitude the most. How she would run off into some valley in Dehradun, only to be embraced by sheer nothingness.

Now sitting here, her hands up in prayer, she understood the cold difference between alone, and lonely.

She raised her head up, to start the one way communication. All her childish mannerisms were effective in heart only, for her prayers held no trace of a child anymore.

How could she be a child now? Children didn't suffer heartbreaks.

As her eyes closed, flashbacks of her beautiful past weaved their way into her conscious. She had a ghost of a smile on her face, remembering his face.

They were her precious times. When she had people smiling to her, with her. When Reyaansh was Rey to her. And when Maa was everything that in her life.

She prayed, in vain. She prayed for Reyaansh to become Rey again. She prayed for Maa to be proud of her again. In vain.

-x-

kyun
na bole mose mohan kyun
hain roothe roothe mohan kyun
kaise manaun haye
kaise manaun..

Why?
Why doesn't my beloved speak to me?
Why is my beloved angry with me?
How do I console him?

-x-

But standing here, in front of him right now, she finally realized where she stood. When she had finished her performance, she had gotten down the stage with a miniscule hope. That at least she'd be awarded with remembrance. What she was awarded with shook the ground beneath her feet. Such vitriol... Such disgust...
If she had to remember all the past she had, she'd say one fact with pride. One fact which wasn't a fact anymore.

The fact that, she had never been shoved away by anyone. Yet here she was... Trying to make amends... Trying to make some of her wrongs right... And here he was, shoving her away with all the sickness he could muster.

She would be left with a literal door slammed in her way every fifteen seconds, and that, was the pathetic downfall of the name Kria Ghai.

-x-
un bin kate na raina
un bin aave na ik pal chaina
un bin jiyoon to kaise main jiyoon haye
bahe naina bhare more naina jhare more naina
mue naina sune nahi kehna bhare more naina

Without him my nights don't pass...
Without him there is no peace for a moment...
Without him how do I live?
My eyes are filled (with tears), my eyes pour,
These damned eyes don't listen to me and get pour tears of longing..

-x-

She cried sitting at the far end of her balcony. No matter what she tried, it'd all come down to one thing. The only thing that she wanted to repent for was being taunted to her in every conversation she had.

He'd either insult her, or distance her. What was she supposed to do?

How could she even begin telling him the depth of sorrow she had suffered when she had left him?

And how could she explain that every time he was rude to her, that sorrow jolted her full force, making her aware of all the mistakes she had committed in this life.

After Maa, Rey was the only person who had been remotely able to penetrate into her heart. And now, he was terribly misusing that position, to inflict wounds inside, without even his actual trying.

Her heart poured more through her eyes. No matter how many times she wiped them, the flow didn't stop.

-x-

When you go, when you leave
Then you take a little piece of me with you
There's a hole in my soul
Cause you take a little piece of me with you
-x-

Why he was sitting here, one might ask. Why he was wiping his eyes, one might ask. Why his heart was burning, one might ask. Why he let her affect, one might ask.

But what one might never ask was, How weak was Reyaansh Singhania.

Her moving in front of him was a brutal reminder. Each and every time, it was a cruel cruel reminder of that day. The day due to which he didn't celebrate Valentine's anymore. The day due to which he never gifted Soft Toys anymore. The day due to which he never bought Flowers anymore.

To a normal person, Flowers, Toys, Chocolates... didn't really hold that much importance.

But to Reyaansh, they did. They reminded him how weak he was. What a coward he was. He could never get over that day. He could never fully repair his heart.

Because as much as he tried, you needed the whole heart for it to become a whole heart.

And how could one have a whole heart with bits and pieces missing?

"Ab Reyaansh Singhania ka naam koi nahi jaanega..."

"Sab sirf Kria Ghai ko jaanenge.."

She was making her threats alive by coming back.

She was erasing his existence by coming back.

And that was why, he would continue walking away from her, till she stopped haunting him.

-x-

naino ke dwaare aane ke vaade
baandhe aise bolo kaahe
chaukhat pe dil ki, aahat rakhi hai
taakon pe hai tore saaye

The promises to come at the door of my eyes,
why did you make?

On the door of my heart, the sound of your footsteps is there,
and on the shelves of my heart, there are your images..
-x-

"Ab Reyaansh Singhania ka naam koi nahi jaanega..."

"Sab sirf Kria Ghai ko jaanenge.."

She remembers that sentence as lividly as she can. But every time, her throat chokes up reliving it.

How she had no strength whatsoever after she had uttered the sentences that were the biggest lies of her life.

She had wept for as long as she could, and then fallen into an empty abyss. How did she know the abyss was empty? Because it was made from her soul. And her soul, it had been robbed of alacrity.

She remembered a distinct scene, as if from some other life altogether, when he had gazed into her eyes lovingly, and recited a poem for her. Why was she remembering it in that instant?

Because his touch was making her do so. His touch on her cheek, as he blew over her eyes, was unwontedly making her remember her another, more beautiful life.

How she longed for that life, she realized in that instant. How her heart still wanted him. How it stuttered, flitted about, when he was in her vicinity.

It was almost cruel how much he made her weak.

-x-

un bin unhe manaye
un bin kabhi jo unko rijhaye
un bin chhale hai mora ye jiya haye..

Even without him I placate him,
Even without him I try to cajole him,
without him my heart cheats me with his illusions..

bahe naina bhare more naina jhare more naina
mue naina sune nahi kehna bhare more naina

-x-

Her body burned. It did every time he touched. But it burned more as soon as his touch left her.

How was she supposed to gain forgiveness like this? How was she supposed to make him understand, when she herself couldn't understand the depth of her emotions without him?

Little pieces of him... His scent... His clothing... His voice... His breath... His Touch...

It all seemed to permeate inside her body, and make her create him inside of her. Her heart, her body, her soul was filled with his existence.

And the irony was, in her real life, he didn't want to exist.

-x-

komal badi hai saansan ki dori
roothan se bhi toot jaaye
baavan tarah se jee ko manaya
khoje ajahun tori raahein

The string of life is too delicate,
it breaks even if someone gets angry,
I consoled my heart in fifty two ways
but today it searches for your footsteps only..

-x-

There are times... Times like this moment. When she thinks what would have happened if Maa hadn't asked such a thing from her.

What if Maa had been proud that she was dancing?

What if the anger was what drove Maa away from her?

There are these times, when she thinks that maybe she was responsible for Maa's death after all. That maybe Maa was so disappointed by her weakness, that she just didn't want to see her anymore.

As she lies there... Crying, that is what she thinks of...

What if Maa was alive?

What if Kria was living as well?

-x-

un bin unhe main paaun
un bin unhe main garva lagaun
un bin unhi mein more jee lage

(even) without him, I reach him,
(even) without him, I hug him,
(even) without he being here, my heart is in him only..

-x-

In between her cries, her heart still is desperate for him to come running to her. She curses her heart, but to no avail.

It still asks for him.

It still calls his name.

It still questions why he is not here with her right now.

Her heart cannot understand why she killed her own love with her own hands. Her heart cannot understand why she chose anything over him. Her heart wants a fair explanation, as to why when it wants to be in his arms, be attached to him... Why is she not allowing for that to happen?

As she battles on with her heart, she weeps. Because That is the only thing she can do.

-x-

bahe naina bhare more naina jhare more naina
mue naina sune nahi kehna bhare more naina

-x-

But after hours of weeping, she sits still.

Because now, she has made her peace.

Maa kabhi khush nahi hoti.

Rey Kabhi wapis nahi aaenge.