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I just knew this may never leave my memory.
My insides trounced at the sight in front of me. . . I felt like somebody pushed me off a cliff and the horror of it crunched my insides. . . My heart had stopped beating, I was sure of that; otherwise I would not have been feeling so choked. My legs took a few steps back against my wish, if there was any present at the moment.
Shivam was kissing the one and the only lady I ever loved, Sharon.
I was standing at the edge of the terrace . . . Something was rising inside me and I was just not able to name it. It was me who had closed the book. . . It was me who had freed her from all the emotions which evoked something or anything related to me. It was me who has maintained all the distance from her and still seeing her so close with someone else it scummed me in throbbing pain, it was an irony how along the way somehow I just became like her, someone who keep his true feelings hidden under a faade. And yet, seeing someone else so close to her made me cringe in pain. Maybe my heart still hoped that someday she herself would open the book he had close, but it had lost that flickering hope too. I didn't know what had left me sore Shivam kissing Sharon or her allowance to let him be. The thought of Sharon allowing Shivam to kiss herself was stabbing my heart but the reality of it pierced more,much more.
Something was smashed inside me brutally and I knew what it was, my heart. And I knew I won't be able to keep it strong now. . . I wanted to undo that moment; I want to erase the memory from its real self. The pain building inside me was too strong for me to bear, I wanted to scream but I had lost my voice, but my eyes let all the barriers on loose and tears rolled down my cheeks. I knew this could never mend; maybe some things are destined to be left broken and I was one of them
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I looked at myself in the broken mirror and my own reflection seemed so hollow. I was feeling disgusting with my own self. What have I done? The flashes of Shivam kissing me were haunting me. How did I allow him to come this close. I was shivering when suddenly the name crossed me mind. Swayam.
And in a matter of seconds the magnitude of my mistake tripled in size. Terror took over me. . . What if he gets to know about all of this? What was he going to think about me? I was shaking with the mere thought. I cried and cried my lungs out but nothing seemed comforting. I was feeling I had back stabbed him, like I had betrayed him. What if after knowing about all this his feelings change for me. No! My heart screamed loud. I couldn't let that happen. I would never disclose it to him, never ever; but instead of relieving me the storm of guilt hit me hard and I hated it. I hated myself for being this vulnerable, I hated myself for letting Shivam come so close to me and I hated myself for letting his trust down.
I was loathing myself but I hated him too. I hated him for making me go through these emotions. If it wasn't for him I knew I would not have been feeling like this ever. I broke everything around me hoping something at least something would pull me out of this misery which was trapping me making me writhe in pain.
I cried and cried. I had nurtured Sharon Rai Prakash to keep Sharon safe from all the hurt and pain and yet, yet today it was Sharon Rai Prakash who had wounded Sharon and the irony was even after all the pain given I knew I would be adorning her tomorrow to face Swayam so that I can look into his eyes not letting him have the faintest idea that I had scarredhis feelings; but I was scared of his eyes which penetrate through all the walls and read my soul like an open book. Yes I wished to get erased from his eyes but I could never see my ruins in them.
Veer Hanuman
Anupamaa
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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