Promise? Swaron OS

Promise? Swaron OS

It was a difficult day... Not to forget, physically and mentally tiring...

Dr. Sharon Swayam Shekhawat... Yes that's me...

India's best gynaecologist... Yes that's me...

The most consulted doctor about the most complicated cases... Yes that's me...

But I just wish people stopped considering me God...

We doctors aren't God, but just God's hands that help people using the skills and talents that we have been blessed with...

Unfortunately, with all the success and prestige associated with my name, people often forget that I too am a human...

I do not have the magical powers to save anyone because what I can do is limited, as in the end, it's all about what God intends for us...

If God does not wish to give you life, there is no doctor in the whole universe who can save you

Maybe this realm of reality is ignored by people these days...

The truth though is that people really need to overcome this misconception!

Living with the pressures that are put on individuals like me is very hard... Especially when people start commending your work and comparing you to God

I entered the kitchen where my mother-in-law, a cheerful and joyous woman who always considered me to be her daughter, was cooking

She gave me a sweet smile and placed a kiss on my forehead as I grabbed myself a glass of water...

Her - Beta, go and refresh yourself... dinner will be ready soon! We'll have dinner together again!

Me - Thanks ma! I'll be right back

Her - Don't worry beta... Take your time!

I walked away from the kitchen, and then to my room... Well mine and Swayam's room

I absentmindedly took my clothes out, not realizing when Swayam came to the room too...

I was so absorbed in my thoughts, that I didn't recognize that Swayam had slid his hands across my waist from the back, hugging me tight...

As soon as I realized it, I just shrugged right out of the hug and walked to the bathroom...

Swayam pulled me back by my hand, slamming my body into his...

Normally, my heart would have started fluttering... Beating crazily...

But I guess my heart had hardened... It felt lone and dark... It was surrounded with a cloud of coldness that even Swayam's touch couldn't penetrate

All the work stress was increasing the distance between me and him

My face was definitely readable as he looked in my eyes, worry and care etched in his eyes

Swayam - (whispered softly in my ear) Are you okay?

My jaw shook a little, as I lied to him and tried to swallow back my tears...

Closing my eyes, I forced a smile and said: I'm alright... Just tired... I'm just gonna go shower!

I didn't wait for his reply, nor did I wait to see his reaction... I just turned and walked right into the washroom, locking myself in the bright room despite the darkness that had engulfed my heart

I took my clothes off, and entered the shower... Cold droplets of water fell on my face, but made no difference to me

I was cold, proven by the goose bumps that arose on my skin, but it was like I had lost all my human senses... I couldn't feel the coldness

I felt numb... Never in my life so far have I felt so weak and susceptible to such overcoming of feelings, to such an extent that I couldn't even register all the occurring events

I finally got out of the shower, dried my hair, wore my pyjamas, and went downstairs

As I was about to enter the kitchen, I heard them speaking...

Swayam - Maa! Sharon theek toh hai na?

Maa - I don't know beta... When she came, she seemed a little... lost... Lekin maine usse puccha nahi... Don't worry Swayam! Zaroor bahot thak gayi hogi!

Swayam - Lekin I've never seen her like this... Pata nahi kya karu

I stood there, ashamed at myself... How could I let my feelings take over me? I had to control my tears! I had to be happy for Swayam... For maa... For paa... For my family!

I wiped the tears that were daring to escape my eyes... And put on a fake smile as I entered the kitchen

Me - I'm so hungry maa! Sab kuch ready ho gaya?

Paa - Beta aap theek toh ho na?

Me - Haan dad! I'm fine... Just tired!

My smile felt fake, but I had learnt how to act in these couple of months at work...

My jaws were hurting from the smile, but I had perfected the art of fake smiling... These jaw aches didn't matter anymore, nor did they make any difference to me

We all had dinner together, and I acted as normal as I could...

Ironically, the act of acting normal had become such a huge part of my life that I do not recall the last time I had ever acted with normalcy... The way I would if I had no restrictions...

We all finished eating, and I was washing the dishes...

My mother-in-law was talking to me... Sometimes about her favourite show, or sometimes about her friends who kept annoying her with all the gossip they did

It was becoming even harder to pretend in front of her

I needed someone to understand my human-ness too! I had feelings! I had weaknesses! But the mask I had always put on didn't allow people to see that side of me... Not even Swayam

He had been the best husband but it was because of my actions that he couldn't even be there for me when I really need him

I was on the verge of crying... I felt my throat become heavy... It was getting harder and harder to control my emotions

I wish I could fling myself in someone's arms and just share all my insecurities and my complaints and my joys and sorrows... But it was my entire fault! If I had not built the wall around me which people couldn't penetrate, I would've been able to do that

If I had shared my feelings and thoughts with Swayam, maybe he could've been here for me

I couldn't take it any more... I couldn't mask my feelings here... I hurriedly finished washing the dishes ...

Me - I'm gonna go sit outside for a while maa... I'll see you guys tomorrow... Goodnight!

Maa kissed me goodnight, and paa hugged me goodnight... If only I had the capacity to absorb those emotions... Nevertheless, I needed to spend some time alone, needed to recollect myself

I rushed outside and quickly ran upstairs... Throwing myself on the bed that lay on the terrace, under the open sky

I had convinced them that nothing was wrong, so I doubted that anyone would even bother come upstairs... But to my shock, I was proven wrong

I heard footsteps, which I thought were just going to the room, but turned out, it was Swayam who had come to the terrace too

I quickly wiped my face free of tears, and cleaned the tear prints as well... Not wanting him to find out I was crying

He approached me from the back, slid his hands around my waist, and gave my hair a kiss

He always loved the wild strawberry scent of my hair I would always have after a shower... He would hug me, and kiss my hair every time too...

I used to find relief in that... A weird sort of calming sensation... Little butterflies rapidly flew threw my veins, making me feel light-headed... I really don't know what was wrong with me anymore

Our relationship wasn't bad... But it had definitely changed

I myself had distanced him from me by keeping him out of my life...

I thought I was pretty discreet with the hiding of my true emotions, but I guess he had uncovered that mask

I could feel his warm breath gently ruffling my hair as I closed my eyes... For the first time, I somehow managed to forget about all my worries... I could feel the warmth gently building in my body... Maybe I could still be a human

And as if he was hearing my thoughts, just then, he whispered in my ear again

Swayam - If only you trusted me enough Sharon

Out of nowhere, I felt my eyes tear up... This was the most human I've felt in ages!

Swayam was going away, when I grabbed his hand... He then noticed my tears and sat down beside me, cupping my face into his hands

I dropped my head and let the tears flow... I wanted and needed to let go of everything

Swayam just held me, as I cried continuously

Soon enough as my tears dried, he hugged me tight... Surprisingly enough, I responded back... I no longer felt numb... My heart finally felt warm... I finally felt... Alive!

He was about to pull out of the hug, when I pulled him back to me

Me - Please don't! (I begged him in a choked voice)

I wanted to feel his body against mine, letting me know he was there for me

He hugged me back, and patted my hair with his other hand

I heard him swallow hoarsely... Was he crying too?

I reluctantly pulled myself away and saw the tear prints on his face

My fingers automatically went to his face, to clear it from the tears... But he caught my hand in the middle, and kissed them

Swayam - Mujhe itna paraya kaise kar diya tumne Sharon?

He was speaking very softly, unlike usual...

Me - (I started crying again... and in my choked voice, I spoke) Aisi baat nahi hai Swayam!

Swayam - Toh phir kya hai? Tum kitni badal gayi ho... Maine tumhe kabhi bhi force nahi kiya kuch batane ke liye, lekin agar koi baat hai joh tumhe itna affect kar raha hai, toh tumne kyun mujhse sab share nahi kiya? Jab mujhe koi baat pareshaan karti hai, kyun na koi choti baat bhi ho, lekin main hamesha tumhe batata hu Sharon!

He was still holding my hand while speaking... After all that he said, not only did I start crying again, but I let my head collapse on our hands... My stomach heaved up and down as I struggled to breath due to the excess amount of emotions rushing through each and every vein in my body

I think he realized that I was in no condition to talk everything out, so he took me in his arms, and led me to our room... He then put me on the bed

Swayam - Sharon let's sleep now... We'll talk about all this tomorrow

He turned the lights off, and came beside me on the bed... Soon enough, he had fallen asleep, or so I thought

But I couldn't... I got up on the bed, and sat with my hands hugging my knees tightly

His words rang in my head, and compelled me to think... Why? Why did I do all this? Why did I not share my problems with him? I felt like an idiot... I had the most loving family on the Earth yet I let myself drown in the sorrows of life... How could I forget, life is an emotional roller-coaster... But that doesn't mean you dwell on one thing and forget about the others

It was half past 12 now, and I was still wide awake

I looked at Swayam, but noticed that his breathing pattern was not normal... I got out of bed, and went to his side... Not expecting him to be awake though

Swayam! - I squeaked

Tears flooded my eyes once again

He had just been pretending to have fallen asleep... His eyes were open, and unmistakeably, bloodshot red

I turned the bedside lamp on, as fear and worry overcame me

He was crying! And that too all because of me!

I didn't say anything, nor did he... I just hugged him as tightly as I ever could, as if holding onto my dear life

We both cried our hearts out to each other... It had been almost 3 months since all this had been going on, and since the last time me and Swayam truly connected with each other

We both leaned our foreheads to each other, as we finally stopped shedding tears

Despite the lump that had formed in my throat, I began to speak

Me - I promise Swayam... I will never.. never ever put you through that.. that (I couldn't find the right word to say)

Swayam - That hell? (he suggested.. bringing a smile to my face)

I nodded

Me - I will never put you through that hell ever again Swayam! I promise!

Swayam - And I promise I will force you to share everything with me! Whether you like it or not!

Me - I promise I will share everything without you having to force me to!

Swayam - And I promise I will always be there for you to share everything with me... Anytime you need someone, I will always be here! I'll be the one who you can even swear at and get rid of your frustration! Someone you can vent to!

He pressed his lips against mine, finally humanizing our relationship, and sealing our promises with this kiss... The kiss was the most passionate one we ever shared... Maybe because of the intensity it held for us, and the passion of our love that had just been reignited and was here to stay forever now

By the time we recollected everything that happened, we were standing just near the wall

I took Swayam's hand and pulled him down with me... Both of us were now sitting against the wall...

Both of us were smiling, and crying a little at the same time... I wiped my tears as I looked away from him... We were acting like the couple we were before we got married again... Just thinking of those memories brought back a genuine smile on my face

Swayam - I've missed seeing you like this Sha... (He was about to call me Sharon.. but stopped in middle.. making me turn to face him) Siren!

He flashed me his million dollar smile, and I actually blushed a little!

Swayam - Oyye hoyye! (He silently whispered... but audible enough that I could hear)

At a moment like this, I really wished I had a control over the blood flow in my body because at the moment, it really felt like the blood cells wanted to have a party in my cheeks

I un-tucked a strand of my hair so it would fall on my cheeks and cover my bright red blush

Swayam let out a husky rough laugh, which indicated to me that everything was alright between us both

It was like 2 am now... both were tired, but didn't want to leave each other's company that we had rediscovered after a long time

I began to talk to him that night itself... sharing with him all my concerns, worries, anxieties, and apprehensions... And as he had promised, he listened to me intently and helped me talk out my issues

I will never forget that night... The feeling of relief I had when I finally had the courage and trust to tell Swayam everything and anything that was bothering me

I still remember that one night for our 5 year dating anniversary, I was trying to find a relationship quote and I found this:

"There is no feeling more comforting and consoling than knowing you are right next to the one you love"

But until tonight, I really didn't know and understand the validity of this quote

The whole night we spent talking and laughing... I felt human finally! I could feel the difference in myself as I allowed Swayam to peek through the wall I had built around myself in these couple of months

That night, none of us had any sleep, but we were as fresh as we ever could be...

In true terms, I was once again rejuvenated!

I looked at Swayam and found a clear image of myself... I happily tippy-toed and gave him a quick kiss

He then whispered in my ears, "Don't ever forget the promise siren... I want to see you this happy every morning!"

I giggled with a slight blush and then opened the curtains completely, letting the sunlight pour in our room...

Me - Never again! (I said softly, yet confidently)

Swayam - Promise?

To which, I smilingly nodded