Simul Aeternum
I just remember that time at the market
You snuck behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down aisle five
I got up and walked around the room, stopping near the window and looking outside. How was it that after all this time I still dreamed of her every night?
Why couldn't I forget all the moments we spent together and go on with my life? I kept asking myself that but the truth was that I knew the answer.
Those memories were too important to me. I didn't want to live without them. I didn't want to forget anything about her.
It didn't matter how much it hurt to remember, memories were all I had of her' My memories and chance meetings at random parties were all that was left of our love.
It was always the same. I got up, went to work, talked to people, went on with my life but couldn't shake the sadness away. I couldn't push the thoughts of her away. The emptiness...
You looked behind you and smiled back at me,
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave
I constantly thought about all the times she ran into my arms as soon as I got home from work. Every time she jumped into my lap when I was watching TV.
I remembered when I picked her up and threw her on bed, making her giggle until I silenced her with kisses.
I missed being able to get close to her and place a kiss on her lips without any contemplation or hesitation. I missed all the afternoons we spent kissing each other and making love.
We had fun together and we were happy so where had it gone wrong?
Can't remember what went wrong last September
Though, I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to'
I still didn't know what had happened that day.
What had I done? What had I said? How could I have screwed up 4 years of commitment?
How could I have taken her so for granted, I didn't realize I was doing something wrong? Pushing her away?
How did I push her away?
She never told me just what I did wrong. She didn't give me a chance to fix it either.
She just packed her things and left home that day without any warning. I thought everything was perfect between us but apparently, I was wrong.
I still needed to know what my mistake had been, though. I needed answers.
All she said was that if we wanted to preserve our friendship, she had to leave.
And she did'
I loved her so much; I would have done anything for her to stay with me.
No one knew me as well as she did. There was no one else I could truly be myself besides her so now I found myself keeping the side of me I was accustomed to showing her bottled up inside.
I would have done anything to fix things between us, to get back to that comfortable and strong relationship we had. If only she would had given me the chance.
I ran my hands through my hair and took a deep breath. Maybe I could still find a way.
Our lives had changed but maybe we could still go back. I just had to reorganize my life and put an end to certain things before trying. It couldn't be too late, could it?
With another deep breath I turned around to look at the bedroom, where an issue I had to solve laid.
I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
They throw me high fives
I looked at the girl sleeping in bed and shook my head.
I have been going out with her for two months in a foolish and useless attempt to forget Shakti.
I allowed my eyes to trail up her sleeping form and sighed. She was beautiful and capable of making every man look at her so why didn't I feel that pull towards her? Why couldn't I feel the same attraction for her as I did for Shakti? Why did I keep thinking of Shakti even when I was in bed with this girl?
She says the bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was, so dirty
I had to be a masochist'
She was a good girl and got on well with everyone, even with Shakti, but I couldn't completely connect with her.
I tried my best to be the man she deserved even though I knew I wasn't. I liked her, I really did, and I enjoyed spending time with her when she was at her most relaxed but it still wasn't the same.
We were too different'
And she wasn't Shakti.
Life of the party and she swears that she's artsy
But you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane
She doesn't share my love for dance or enjoys the same kind I do. Cracking my silly jokes is not something she is ever interested in seeing me doing.
She prefers to go and check the clubs out. I much rather prefer to stay home.
Shakti did too. I lost count of the times we said no to her friends and stayed home while the others went out.
She shared my passions. She stood quiet in our couch, listening to me talk for hours. She never complained and always had a smile on her face when I played her favourite songs.
I hadn't played her lullaby since the day she left'
Our love was comfortable and so broken in...
I picked my clothes up and got dressed before walking into the still relatively unknown living room of my current girlfriend's apartment. I always slept here when we stayed together.
I could never take her to my place. I knew she didn't like that but I couldn't let her sleep there. I couldn't let her change things around.
It wasn't just my apartment. Shakti had lived there for 3 years and so I could never let another woman in there. It would be as if I was trying to substitute Shakti and I couldn't deal with that.
I couldn't let another woman in a place that had been only Shakti's and mine for so long. Shakti was the only one who belonged there.
She's perfect, so flawless, or so they say
Tanya was lovely but she wasn't Shakti, and I kept fooling her.
I kept giving her false hopes. I kept promising her something I could never giver her' My heart.
She thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking
And poses for pictures that aren't being taken
The truth was that she was faking as much as I was. She knew I didn't love her but she was trying to change me and change my feelings. She kept trying to be someone else for me.
Tanya faked being happy with me even though I knew perfectly well she wasn't. She wanted to make me love her but I could never do it.
She was not who I wanted, who I needed. She was not Shakti'
I couldn't make her happy because I wasn't happy myself. I couldn't love her because my heart didn't belong to me anymore.
It was time for both of us to stop faking, to stop deceiving and pretending. I could never love her and she could never change me.
"Amar, what are you doing up?" I turned around to look at Tanya standing at the door and took a deep breath.
No more pretending.
"We need to talk." I said, she smiled sadly at me and nodded.
She already knew'
--
Our love was comfortable and so broken in
I tried to call Shakti the morning after I broke up with Tanya but couldn't find the courage to do it. I couldn't tell her how I felt through the phone. She deserved better.
So I waited for the right moment. Alisha's birthday party seemed to be the ideal time.
I climbed the stairs to Archie's and Alisha's apartment and took a deep breath.
I would tell her today. No matter what her reaction was, I needed to tell her. Today was the day.
Archie opened the door for me and I stepped in. My eyes immediately searched the room for Shakti.
She was standing at a corner, talking to Vinti. She was wearing a little black dress that stopped just below her thighs and hugged every curve of her body perfectly.
I smiled at that.
I loved you
Grey Sweat pants, no make up
So perfect.
She looked beautiful in that dress, but then again she always did.
My mind went back to all the times she walked around the house wearing sweat pants or just my shirt.
She was never more beautiful and I loved it when she did it. My clothes looked better on her than they did on me and it made the fact that she was mine more real.
Archie pulled me out of my reveries by calling my name.
"Are you alone?" I nodded, smiling at Shakti when she looked up at me and then turned my attention to Archie. "Where's'"
"I broke up with her."
"You did?"
"Yes." Archie nodded and raised one eyebrow.
"Why?" I allowed my eyes to fall upon Shakti once more and Archie immediately understood. "You can't forget Shakti."
I couldn't. I'd tried but I couldn't.
"No." How could I forget her when she was all I ever wanted? When I couldn't stop wondering is she was happy.
"Listen Amar, this girl you were with was really nice but she's not Shakti. That girl wasn't the one for you just like Naman wasn't the one for Shakti'" I had to shallow hard at that. I hadn't thought of him.
"Naman! I totally forgot about that guy!" Shakti being with him didn't make things easier for me.
"Well you don't have to worry about him." I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Shakti broke up with him."
"She did?" Archie chuckled loudly at my undeniable enthusiasm and nodded.
"According to Alisha, yes. It was something about not loving him and not being able to get over you." I could have sworn my heart sped up to an almost unhealthy rhythm at Archie's words. There was still a chance for me'
"This is it, Dude. Go talk to her and don't let her go this time. This is your second chance." I didn't even have time to answer because he suddenly disappeared, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I stood still for a few moments, gathering my courage. I didn't know how I would react if she told me she didn't want me back but I had to try.
With Alisha's present in hand, I walked towards them.
I passed by Shan but didn't stop to talk to him. I was a man on a mission and I had to get Shakti alone. I handed my sister-friend her present and when she animatedly went to open it up. I decided it was now or never for Shakti and I.
Alisha never changed and she did not disappoint me. When she went to open her present, she gave me the perfect opportunity to talk to Shakti alone. I didn't feel comfortable doing it in the living room where anyone could interrupt us.
I smiled down at Shakti while running a hand through my hair, which was probably sticking out in every damn direction already.
Now or never'
"Shakti, can I talk to you? In private that is'" She nodded and placed her drink down on the table.
"Sure." I tried to smile back at her but couldn't quite make it. I was too nervous.
I gestured to the balcony and placed my hand on her lower back, guiding her.
Once we were outside she turned around to look at me and frowned.
"Is everything alright, Kunwar? You look worried and nervous." She still knew me too well.
I ran my fingers through my hair once again and nodded.
"Well, I am."
"Why? What happened, Kunwar?"
"I broke up with Tanya a week ago." The words left my mouth so fast, I didn't even realize it.
Shakti seemed taken aback for a second before nodding.
"I'm sorry'"
"No, don't be!" That was not what I wanted from her. "I didn't love her. You know that'" She seemed confused.
"I do?"
"Yes! Or, at least... you should." I took a deep breath and looked straight at her. "You should know ' I should have told you earlier ' that I can never love anyone the way I loved you. The way I still do. I can't stop thinking about you, Shakti. I still want you so much!"
She's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back
She didn't say anything. She simply stood still with her deep brown eyes fixed on me.
What was running through her mind?
"Shakti, I'm sorry for whatever I did or said 6 months ago. I didn't mean it, whatever it was. I'll fix it, if you want. I'll do whatever is needed." I sounded desperate but I didn't care. "I just can't stay away from you anymore. I'" She took a step towards me and placed her small hands on my chest, making me stop.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Kunwar. The problem wasn't you, it was me. I freaked out." It's not you, it's me never meant anything good.
I placed my right hand under her chin making her look up at me. Her eyes were glossy with tears. I wanted to stop them from falling.
"What do you mean?" She closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath.
"You were going to ask me to marry you, weren't you?" It was my turn to take a deep breath.
No one knew about my intentions 6 months ago. I wanted it to be a surprise.
How had she found out?
"How do you know about that?" She shrugged.
"I saw the ring. You left it in the pocket of your jacket and I saw it when I picked it up." I closed my eyes and shook my head.
So stupid! I had planned everything but wasn't intelligent enough to not leave the damn ring lying around.
The ring' My mother's ring, which was now safely tucked away inside one of my drawers.
I suddenly had to take another deep breath as realization hit me. If she knew about the ring, if she knew I wanted to marry her and still left me it meant she didn't want it.
"If you knew about the ring'" She once again silenced me by running her hands up my chest until she was gripping my shoulders.
In any other occasion that action would have made me shudder with want for her but now it only made the knot in my throat grow bigger.
"I freaked out! I saw the ring and lost it. I realized you were planning to ask me to marry you. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and I didn't know if I was ready for that. I don't know many good marriages and then'" She shook her head. "I didn't know if it was right to keep you with me when you could do so much better." I cupped her face in my hands and shook my head.
"Shakti, I could never do better than you. There is no one more perfect for me than you." There never was.
Since the first time I saw her I was taken by her. It didn't matter that we were just the competitors then, she was the one for me.
"Let me finish, Kunwar. I've been trying to tell you this for a long time but couldn't seSwayam to find the strength to actually do it." One more deep breath and she went on. "I left you because the thought of not being worthy of you scared me. Because, like I told you, the idea of marriage scared me. But the truth is that in the last 6 months I realized that there's nothing more that I want but to be with you forever. I tried to forget you by being with Naman but I couldn't."
I groaned at the mention of that man, who got to touch her and be with her for the last 3 months.
"I love you, Kunwar. I'm sorry for what I did." That was all I needed to hear.
I took advantage of the fact that my hand was still on her face and pulled her in for a kiss.
I kissed her with all the need and desperation I felt. I had missed the fell of her soft lips against mine and her intoxicating taste.
When we pulled back for air she wrapped her arms around my waist and tucked her head under my chin as I wrapped my own arms around her frame.
She smelled as good, felt as warm and soft in my arms as I remembered' maybe even better.
I buried my face in her hair, allowing the strawberry smell of her shampoo to envelope me. I had spent too long without her.
"I want you back, Shakti."
"I want you back, too. I can't keep pretending. I can't be without you." I felt her grip the back of my shirt as she moved even closer to me. "Please forgive me, Kunwar."
"There's nothing to forgive, my love. I just want you back home with me." 6 months apart because of her silly insecurities were too much.
If she had told me then that she knew about my intentions and that she wasn't sure about it, I would have found a way of showing her there was time. We didn't need to rush anything.
Of course that, being true to herself, she did the exact opposite. That was Shakti. She never did what you expected to or what you thought would be wiser.
"I can't believe you knew I was going to ask you to marry me!" She moved her head in order to kiss my chest. "I thought I was being quite stealth about it. I wanted it to be a surprise but I guess it would not be a very well received one." I knew she had issues with marriage so what was I thinking?
It didn't matter now, though. I had her back in my arms.
"I know it's too late and it's no consolation but if you asked me now, I would say yes." I wrapped my arms more strongly around her and kissed the top of her head.
"I don't have the ring here." I felt her shrug.
"I'll wait for it. The ring is beautiful by the way." I smiled and nodded.
The ring would be hers soon enough.
We stood quiet for a while until I decided that I could at least tease her about all this.
"You know, you could have been wrong. I could have a woman on the side and the ring was for her'" She giggled and nodded while playfully punching me.
"Don't think that thought didn't cross my mind. I know you, though '" She did.
We stood at the balcony hugging each other, not caring about what happened inside until I kissed the top of her head once more and whispered.
"Mine?" She knew I didn't mean it in a possessive way. I just needed to know her love still belonged to me like mine belonged to her.
"Yours. Forever this time."
No, no, no, no I want you back
Want you back
Back'
I allowed her to step into the apartment, closed the door behind us and immediately wrapped my arms around her. I pressed her back to my chest and attacked her neck with kisses.
She titled her head to the side and moaned.
"You didn't change anything." It took me a minute to understand what that meant but then I realized she was talking about the apartment.
"No. Why would I?" I felt her shrug her shoulders.
"I don't know. Didn't you bring Tanya over?" I placed another kiss on her neck before shaking my head.
"No." She moved her head to the side so she could look at me and lifted an eyebrow.
"Why not?"
"Because this is your home. No one but you is allowed to move things around or lay in our bed." I felt her take a deep breath and then move her hand so she could tangle her fingers in my hair.
She moved her head so she could look at me and used her hand to pull me in for a kiss.
I tightened my arms around her and took the chance to kiss her like I had wanted to for the last six months.
The few kisses we shared at Alisha's apartment tonight had not been nearly enough.
Before I could truly deepen our kiss and begin exploring her body she turned her head to the side and looked around once again.
Her gaze stopped at the guitar as I groaned in protest and buried my face on her neck.
"Will you play for me? I missed it."
"Does it have to be now or can it be later?" She giggled and writhed against me.
"Why not? Did you have something else in mind?"
"Oh'" I ran my hand up her thigh, lifting her little dress up and bit down on her neck, letting her know I did. "I think we can say I definitely do."
All I wanted to do was take her in a warm embrace and take her to bed. Six months without her had been too long.
She nodded and turned around in my arms so she could wrap her arms around my neck and pull me down towards her.
I immediately took her lower lip in between mine and nibbled on it while running my hands up and down her back.
She moaned every time I touched her, only making my need for her increase.
"Bed, Kunwar!" I chuckled at her and made her move so I could kiss her lips and then pick her up.
I only put her down when we got the bedroom and she immediately moved to take my shirt completely off and kiss my chest.
I guess she wasn't worried about her surroundings any more...
She ran her hands to my waist while allowing her lips to trace the muscles on my chest.
I loved it when she did that but I was intent on taking that little dress she was wearing, and which was definitely designed to drive me crazy.
I tugged on her hair making her look up at me and turned my attention to her shoulders.
I kissed each of them while pulling the straps of her dress down her arms. She pulled them down the rest of the way and when I placed my hands on her waist and pulled it down, it came off easily.
Perfect...
I pulled back to fully appreciate the beauty of the woman standing almost completely in radiance in front of me. I then took her in my arms again, whispering in her ear.
"You're so beautiful, Shakti." She smiled shyly at me and got rid of her shoes before kneeling down on bed.
I hovered over her for a few seconds before depositing some of my weight on top of her and kissing her softly.
From that point on I took the opportunity to re-explore her whole body with my hands and mouth. I kissed every inch of her skin, nibbling here and there like I knew she liked, but stopped at her right knee where an unknown scar laid.
I kissed it before looking up at her.
"This scar is new. How did you do it?" She giggled and moved her hand to my hair.
"How do you know it's new?" I shrugged.
There was not an inch of her skin I didn't know. I could tell exactly where every single scar or freckle was located even with my eyes closed.
I was quite proud of being able to tell exactly where her body would curve, where I had to kiss to make her moan, where she liked me to touch or where I had to bite to make her scream my name.
"I know your body better than mine, love. How did you do it?" She smiled as I leaned in to kiss her knee again.
"I tripped and hit my knee on the coffee table at Alisha's apartment." I chuckled.
It was a wonder how she was still able to walk around.
I kissed back up her legs again and shared the night with our love flowing in each other's heart.
I rolled to the side, bringing her with me and allowing her to cuddle in my chest.
"Are you okay?" I felt her nod and giggle.
"Yes, I'm more than okay."
We stayed quiet for what seemed hours as she light kisses on my chest and I played with her hair until she looked up at me and smiled.
"I can't believe I spent six months without this. Without being in your arms and making love with you." I wrapped my arms more strongly around her and kissed the top of her head.
"Me neither, but you're here now. That's all that matters." I felt her nod and move her head so she could kiss my chest.
Forever yours
Love is meant to be forever
we hope you loved it Mahi
Happy Birthday
Love ya
With Love
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