Dear Readers,
I would have updated earlier if I could. But I had a pretty bad case of cold and flu along with a very bad writer's block. Don't know if my health was causing the writer's block or the block was a standalone which had nothing to do with the state of my health. I have never labored my way through any chapter like this before. Let's hope this settles down as we proceed with the jealousy track. At last, I have completed my part of the job. Now I look forward to listening from you.
Shailaja.
Chapter Twenty-Six: The Stranger Wife
In Nandini's Chamber,
The rays of the sun filtered through the curtains falling on Nandini's visage and tickling her lazy eyes into unwillingly opening up. She stretched herself, rubbed her eyes with her hands. Her gaze on opening her eyes first fell on Chandragupt. She gave a pleasant and dazed smile due to early morning disorientation. Only then did she realize that it was morning and that she had slept off in the night before he returned. She gave him a blooming and brilliant welcome smile and greeting. As she was about to rise up, she saw the gifts he had brought for her.
The flower jewels had wilted and dried up. But the saree he had brought for her was as brilliant as ever. Nandini's face lit up in childish excitement and glee. After whole heartedly thanking him and apologizing for having slept off the previous night, she was about to excuse herself to try on the saree immediately. He nodded his head and stood unmoved wherever he was, his face displaying not even the slightest degree of what was running across in his mind.
Nandini: When did you return? I was awake till very late in the night!
Chandra: It was past midnight!
Nandini: I see! That's why I must have slept off! But you could have woken me up!
Chandra: I didn't think it necessary!
Nandini: I had kept everything ready! How did you like the dinner? It was the first time so...
Chandra: I ate!
Nandini: It's a pity that these had to dry up! But this saree looks brilliant! Shall I try it on now? I've never seen such an exquisite saree before this! Thank you!
Chandra: Of course! It's yours! Do what you please with it!
Nandini went inside and changed into the saree he had brought for her. She came outside to seek his opinion about how it looked on her. Without saying anything, he shook his head in approval. Something was definitely wrong in the way he was behaving. Their conversation was not going very great. He seemed miffed for some strange reason. She assumed it must have been something related to either the tour or administrative affairs.
Nandini: Is everything alright?
Chandra: Yes, it is NOW!
Nandini: I was a bit worried if it was something to do with the administration or affairs of the state. How was your tour?
Chandra: Fine!
Nandini was contemplating if she should tell him the truth about the Snankaksh escapade of hers and the fact that she still needed some more time seeing that his mood was very off at the present moment for whatever reason. Just then Chandragupt began slowly walking towards Nandini. She began walking backwards.
Things were happening too fast. Nandini did not have any time to organize her thoughts or think how she was going to handle or deal with this situation. She closed her eyes but could sense him standing just a feet apart from her. His manly odor was wafting up her nostrils. It had not been like this in the Snankaksh. It had been very soothing and peaceful. But now the prospect which loomed before her only appeared disturbing. Of all the hundred times she had contemplated giving this explanation to him, she never thought she would have to do it like this.
The words just stuck and choked in her throat. Her lips and throat became parched. Her thoughts became incoherent and her whole face and aspect became clouded and convoluted. Her whole body started quivering and giving way to spasms unconsciously and instinctively. It was as though she had no control over whatever was happening with her body or facial muscles. She definitely had to tell something at this juncture if she had to prevent herself from being misunderstood by him.
She tried to attain some amount of sanity and coherence before trying to piece together a few words to this effect. Her eyes were still tightly shut because she was scared to see the expression in his eyes as she said this, "I am sorry! ...I am still not ready for this...I need some time..."
The wind whistled past her face gently caressing her and her entire body. There was perfect silence all around the chamber. Somehow all this seemed ominous. Nothing seemed right! It all seemed terribly wrong. She was unable to piece together what was amiss or the reason for it.
But at this juncture, she expected a response from him. She slightly opened her eyes to see his expression when she was terribly shocked to see her chamber bereft of anyone but herself. Did whatever happened here just now happen in real or was she making up the entire thing in her feverish imagination?
She pinched herself twice to make double sure and looked at the red saree she was wearing thrice before she decided that this entire thing had actually happened in real and was not a figment of her imagination. Why did he leave so suddenly? His behavior since the time she had woken up had been very odd and unnerving.
She needed her answers just now. This could not wait any longer. She ran outside her room, the hem of her saree trailing on the ground and getting frayed and gathering dirt and dust. But she was least bothered by this. She ran as though for her very life depended on it. She reached Chandragupt's room and barged in before any of the guards could say anything or stop her.
In Chandragupt's Chamber,
Completely breathless from running, she collapsed into a huge cushioned chair and stammered in between her gasps, "I want to know...We need to talk...What is wrong...Why did you go away...Are you angry with me..."
Chandragupt had been standing with his back turned towards Nandini. He clapped his hands and ordered, "Ekant!"
After everyone in his chamber had left, he turned to face her and said in an icy cold manner meant to put off, "I wish you gave me a hint the next time you try something similar. At least, I had the benefit of growing with shepherds and not being aware of these niceties until a few days ago. You were always a princess and must be knowing things about royal protocol and decorum."
Nandini completely clueless and unable to understand what was going on, "I don't get what you are saying. Are you mocking me? If it is a joke, it is a very bad one!"
Chandra (wryly): My! My! I'll be careful from next time onwards! I thought Rani Nandini enjoyed such pleasantries and practical jokes.
Nandini (got up from wherever she was sitting, extremely perplexed): Did I do anything wrong? Why do you keep on calling me Rani Nandini?
Chandra (his icy cold manner getting even colder): Because you are a Rani, Rani Nandini! You are, of course, the epitome of perfection, and can never do anything wrong. If at all anybody has committed any mistake, it must of course be poor me, Chandragupt Maurya!
Nandini (getting terribly worried by now): Please be clear! If you are displeased with me please let me know the reason for it. I will try to change or adjust myself.
Chandra (sarcastically): A pity isn't it! Even when I hated you, I understood you! Now when hatred no longer remains, I understand your spoken and unspoken words, your turn of countenance, your gestures, your everything like an OPEN BOOK while to this day you understand nothing about me.
Nandini (not making head or tail out of anything): Ardhath? (What do you mean?)
Chandra (continuing caustically): After you had the occasion to drop the flower pot which was supposed to descend upon me on Maa's head, we had a similar conversation. You had the very same questions and expressions and I had much the very same answers.
Nandini stared on even more puzzled and intrigued.
Chandra continued, "I warned you then not to get entangled with me, and that I was a difficult man to understand. I advised you not to try but you wouldn't listen. I still repeat, 'You don't know me and I don't expect you to try doing so!'"
Nandini was becoming hazier with every passing moment. The mists surrounding her started getting even more thicker. She blurted, "But all that was the past, wasn't it?"
Chandra: But the past never dies, does it? If it did, both of us wouldn't be here...having this conversation. I shouted myself hoarse, you didn't understand; I became angry, you didn't understand; I literally lost my balance and self-control, you didn't understand; I withdrew myself and patiently waited, you didn't understand; now I think it's better we stopped trying. Both for your sake and mine!
Nandini: Please...please ...can we speak clearly? These riddles are beyond me!
Chandra took off the Angavastra he was wearing with a sudden flick of his hand and pointed towards his chest and back saying, "It's this, isn't it?"
It was now that realization dawned upon Nandini. She tried to explain, "I was about to tell you everything about whatever happened at the Snankaksh. None of my actions were intentional or meant to hurt. I just wanted a perfect closure to the past and to move on. I thought if I could see and verify with my own eyes, I would be able to forgive and forget everything."
Chandra: If that was all you wanted to see, you could have told me so plainly and I would have obliged. Why this pretense and elaborate charade?
Nandini: I...didn't know how you...would react to...such an impossible and ...stupid idea...
Chandra: So you saw the scars on my body! Of what earthly difference did it make to you?
Nandini: I thought that...I would forget...my own pain...if I learnt about your pain...and deprivation...I thought...this would ...help me...in making...a new beginning...I thought...I would forget...my emotional scars...if I was able ...to see...your physical scars...with my own eyes...
Chandra: So, going by your logic, this should have made a difference! But did it, really?
Nandini: I was about...to tell that...to you...
Chandra: Really when, Maharani Nandini? After your whole face became clouded and convoluted? After your whole body literally quivered and went into unpleasant spasms at my very approach?
Nandini: Oh God! You're understanding everything in the wrong manner! I just need some time for everything.
Chandra (getting angrier and angrier): You could have really saved me the trouble by telling before hand! I would have spared you! I have seen everything there was to see with my own eyes. So save your breath instead of those explanations!
Nandini (her eyes freely overflowing with tears by now): Please, Chandra! This is hurting me!
Chandra (with cutting precision) I am just repaying you in kind what I received myself, Maharani Nandini. When you give hurt, be prepared to receive it as well.
Nandini: I wanted to atone and make up for everything that my family, and indirectly, I, did to you and deprived you of.
Chandra: So in essence, you were pitying me. Is that it? Did I ever tell I needed your pity? (His voice not raising in pitch but rising in the sarcasm dripping through it) If it was pity I had wanted out of you, I would have told you these things myself! I wouldn't have waited for Acharya Chanakya to do the honors. I have seen whatever Acharya had written with my own eyes underneath your bed in your room. So you cannot deny any of this forthrightly. Even here, you needed verification of his account in that absurd way.
Nandini (Her sobs becoming more vehement): This was not how I wanted it to be. I wanted to set every wrong thing right.
Chandra: Then how else did you want this to end? In which unique way do you propose to set every wrong thing right? Stop crying, Maharani Nandini! Samrat Chandragupt Maurya will not be pitied by anyone.
Nandini (crying even more vehemently): This is not the end! This was just the beginning! You are misunderstanding me! I just need some time that's all!
Chandra, beginning with wry humor, and ending in absolute bitterness, "I don't understand how you do it every time. At a time when I ought to be crying tears of blood, I remain calm and unfazed. And you keep crying at every smallest opportunity, and make me end up feeling smaller than a worm!
I have never forgotten or stopped condemning and mentally flogging myself for my behavior that day in your chamber. It is my worst memory about myself. But that was my worst! Not the best I was capable of! I wanted to show you and give you the best in me...but sadly, you don't seem to want it.
You wanted time for three months, I gave them to you. I never wanted to force you to do anything you didn't want to. I argued with Acharya Chanakya for your sake. I took your side. That day, in the Snankaksh, I kept asking you again and again if you really wanted this to happen.
You could have spoken then. But you never did. You led me on! Today, after witnessing with my own eyes how obnoxious and disturbing my very presence is to you, the way your entire body reacted to my closeness, what do you expect me to assume?
That you love my very presence? I expected you to speak at least then! Yet you would have led me on if you could. If I had not discovered, you would never have spoken up or been truthful with me. You would have kept on leading me!"
Nandini dried up her tears for an instant. So that was the crux of his problem: that she had led him on! She spoke, "But I did, Chandra! I spoke up as soon as I could find...my voice and words...but you were gone before that!"
Chandra: I see! You have nothing to fear from me. You can leave after the three months we agreed upon. I won't stop you!
Nandini despondently remarked, "But this was my worst fear, Chandra! Whether you now believe me or not, all my falsehoods stem from that! To lose you as I did my Pitha Maharaj once! You are the idol and ideal in the temple of my heart. I once believed a false Deity and dearly paid for it. Now I have learnt to believe in a true Deity, but I have turned false this time round in the eyes of my Deity.
I will not go away from you after three months, three years, or thirty years, or till the end of my life unless you want me to. That day in the Snankaksh, none of my actions, words, or behavior there were thought out or rehearsed. They were instinctual. It was my gratitude that I still meant a lot to you speaking.
I gave you that place in my heart that I once used to give to my Pitha Maharaj! I need some time to forget everything, and start anew. Even though my heart and soul need none, my physical body needs it. That is what I realized later on.
Chandra, you may think has this woman no shame or self-esteem that she is talking all this and demeaning herself even after everything that has happened. I have no ego where you are concerned! Tum seh Lajja kaisi Chandra? (Why should I be embarrassed of you?) Just give me some time to become your wife! I am trying!"
Chandra: Your wish, Maharani Nandini! I have always wanted you to lead your life on your own terms and conditions. You have the freedom to choose what you want to do. Stay if you want! Leave if you please! Become my wife if you want! Be a Queen, or else, an even better suggestion, let's be strangers! No expectations, no attachments, no responsibilities, and duties!
Nandini (her tears completely dried up and only a resoluteness in her voice): As you please, Chandra! I was wrong this time, and I will atone for it. But for how long can you see me hurt? Or how long can you keep on hurting me? At some point, you will see that my hurt is even more yours than it is mine! At some point, you will see our relationship beyond the balance sheet of good and bad, right and wrong, perfection and imperfection, profit and loss, winning and losing, heart and the mind. If you want to be a stranger to me, you're welcome! But I can never become a stranger to you! Main tumhari Ardhangani thi, Ardhangani hoon, aur Adhangani rahoongi! (I was your life partner, I am your life partner, and will always be your life partner!)
There words elicited an expression of complacence and utter bliss from Chandragupt for a tiny and fleeting moment before they were replaced by his original expression of icy coldness, sarcasm and wry humor. He had to remind himself once again that he could not allow any apparent cracks or dents to appear in the tall and unassailable fortress he had built round his heart. He tenaciously convinced his errant heart and truant emotions for which these words were like soothing nectar that he could not afford to expose himself another time. Much better not to have loved and be in such deep pain!
Chandragupt immediately ran for cover to his caustic and cutting remarks. As was his usual practice, he could neither give up nor concede victory either in a battle of brawn or a battle of wits even to the people who mattered to him. He had to have the last word. So he quickly retaliated telling, "Strange logic you have Rani Nandini! I wonder how you are going to partition your Ardhangani share of me with my other queens. Since I am equally married to all, Helena, Durdhara and you must be equally vying for one half share of myself which amounts to 50%. And this divided by 3 amounts to 16.6666%. I too would have no problems giving such a small percentage of myself to you seeing how negligible and minuscule it is!"
Nandini felt that it was really wicked and vicious on his part. He needn't have mentioned or rubbed it in her face that she had to compete for him and his attentions with two other ladies even after knowing fully well how this situation often irked her. He needn't have brought either Helena or Durdhara in between this at all. It only showed the extent of his hurt and anger for her. Just because he had no apparent competition or threat, he needn't play off one favorite against the other. What if someday he had an apparent threat of being supplanted, then he would realize how difficult and trying that circumstance is!
At this Nandini reminded herself! Vain thoughts, girl! When will you find somebody who equals Chandra so that you can play each other off? It is never going to happen! Chandragupt is matchless and incomparable! That's why he is so cocky, saucy, demanding, and full of himself. All the same, she told herself that she wasn't going to give him a walkover as she had formerly done.
If he was not ready to listen to sense, she would drive that sense into him. She would contest and compete against whatever she felt was not right. And whatever he said just now was precisely that. It was meant to put her down. She was being very truthful, sincere and serious and he was having one sarcastic barb after the other at her expense! She was talking and contemplating about a companionship and togetherness for life, and he was engrossed in parts, halves and percentages? There was a limit to everything!
After a pause, Nandini slowly but unwaveringly replied, "Ardhangani didn't mean I was fighting for a half or a part of yourself. I was fighting for my whole in your part. There is a shloka in Sanskrit which goes like this:
'Poornamadah, poornamidam, poornaat poornamudachyate
Poornasya, poornamaadaaya, poornamevaavashishyate!'
Ardhath,
'That is complete, this is complete, from the completeness comes the completeness
If completeness is taken away from completeness, only completeness remains!'
I wasn't taking anything away from you or anyone! Even if I took, it would still be whole! I hope I needn't explain any further, Chandra, or it would be an insult to your training in Takshashila and Acharya Chanakya's teaching capabilities which I do not doubt in the least!"
This repartee left Chandragupt seething inside that she had managed to knock out even his best logic with her in depth her learning and wisdom. It was really rare to find this quality in someone so young. In one corner, he was proud to have lost this round of his battle of wits with her. She made both a worthy companion and also a worthy adversary. He could not accept her as his companion after she had failed him so badly. But as an adversary perhaps, she was good enough! Ghosh! He was again treading on treacherous territory. He reminded himself again of his strong resolution!
Promo: Rajkumar Arjun challenged Chandragupt to a friendly duel of Malyudh. Nandini glanced intently at both the redoubtable warriors battling out in the arena. She was muttering beneath her breath, "Let him win! Let him win!" Chandragupt got distracted from his duel for a tiny milli second on watching her minutely observe Rajkumar Arjun. He was about to bring Arjun down with a powerful and sudden push and heave when he heard the words, "Let Rajkumar Arjun win this duel!" out of her mouth. Though the sounds of these words got drowned in the din and noise of the arena, the intent and wish did not. It kept on resonating within him a hundred fold. Did she just wish his opponent to win instead of him? But why? He lost his equilibrium, both physical and mental, in that single moment. And that single moment was enough for Rajkumar Arjun to seal and clinch his victory. Chandragupt stared on in disbelief. He could not believe that he had lost a duel in Malyudh! How many more battles like this was Chandragupt going to lose?
Edited by shailusri1983 - 8 years ago
Indian Idol 15
