'I'm appalled at Preity's guts!'

It's been barely a month since Suchitra Krishnamoorthy's divorce from director Shekhar Kapur came through, so it's not surprising that the wounds are still fresh.

The past year hasn't been easy, and in a moment of weakness, Suchitra admits that she even attempted suicide. But she's now taken all the angst in her stride and is finding creative outlets for her grief as an artist.

When we catch up with her at her home in Juhu, she's in a sombre mood and wants to set the record straight about her divorce.

"I never wanted to talk about this, but I'm doing it now because I want to put an end to all the rumours, once and for all," she begins.

Read on as Suchitra comes clean about rumours of Shekhar straying with none other than Bollywood's sweetheart Preity Zinta. She asserts that Preity may have broken her marriage, but the severance of ties will not break her.

You've become very active on the party circuit. Is it because you're trying to get back to work?

You could say that. If I get good films, I'm game. Else I am busy with my paintings. I just finished a painting exhibition in London.

Next month, I am going to Bangkok. I released five music albums while I was staying in London, but I don't feel like singing these days (pauses).

Go on...

I've been getting many offers for art films, but don't want to do a film that'll only be seen at some obscure festival. I want to do a mainstream film that'll be seen, but can't do films 24x7. I'm a single mother.

You've decided to be open about your single status now.

I had to be ready before I opened my mouth. I've come across a lot of people who've gone through experiences like mine, and that made me realise that there is nothing I should be ashamed of.

I realised that I have the right to live the way I want to. So yes, I took time to talk about my single status but not anymore. Earlier, there was too much turmoil in my life and I was choked up on it.

There was a time when Kaveri (her daughter) would come home and ask if her father was a mean guy. The media can be very inquisitive, and they will pounce on you even before you are ready to deal with it.

You reached a stage where you didn't want to lie anymore?

Yes. I wanted to live. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be free. I wanted to reach that stage 'where the mind is without fear and the head is held high'.

Did you see the separation with Shekhar coming?

Yes. I saw it coming but it was still the most painful decision of my life.

It was solely your decision?

Yes.

What was his reaction when you told him that you wanted to part ways?

He agreed that it was not working. We separated legally on February 27 and I think we get along better now.

And Kaveri?

Both of us will always be there for Kaveri. I don't want my angst with Shekhar to come in the way of her relationship with her father.

How did you explain the situation to Kaveri?

She is only six years old, so she understands it in her own way. But yes, she had some emotional reactions. Once she fell down from a ladder, then she got two eczema attacks.

Was separation on your mind when you moved back to India in 2003?

Yes. I moved back to rediscover myself. I met some very intelligent people in London who enriched my life, but I was leading a very different life from the one I had in my growing years. I had lost myself somewhere.

You also had a nervous breakdown…

Yes. Everything I had banked my life on, was crumbling. One time, I locked myself in a room for three weeks and kept crying constantly. I even tried to end my life.

I was almost at the point of no return before self-preservation and maternal instincts kicked in. But I needed sedation. I had to see a shrink.

Was Shekhar around during that phase?

Yes, but he was busy. So I had my doctors, my maids and the chauffeur. They were my support system.

Shekhar was away a lot. Was distance a problem?

Probably. But I tried my best to be with him as much as I could. I even cancelled shows to be with him wherever he was.

Were your parents aware about your nervous breakdown?

No. I had told only my sister Sujata Kumar (TV actress —Bombay Talking, Hotel Kingston). She is like a mother to me.

And when your parents learnt that your marriage was not working?

They were supportive. My mother told me, 'If you are not happy and somebody is not treating you right, you always have a choice.'

So what really went wrong between you and Shekhar?

I will write that in my book, which will come out someday.

Tell us about that 'maneater' you referred to in a poem on your blog, the one who came between you and Shekhar. Is it Preity Zinta?

What do you think?

I am not sure.

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure it out.

Preity said in a recent interview that you weren't talking about her.

She can say what she wants. If she thinks it's not her and that I am wrong, she should sue me. And I will be delighted. My best friends are lawyers. I am not scared.

I think that says it all.

Yes.

Have you met Preity recently?

Why should I? She called me and asked why I was slurring her reputation. She even told me that she was getting married and that Shekhar has promised to give her away (a bride is given away by her father in Christian weddings).

How dare she call me? She dare not call me again. Stay out of my space. My home is sacred.

Did Shekhar question you about slurring Preity's reputation?

No.

How did you come to the conclusion that Shekhar and Preity were involved?

A woman's instinct is very strong.

Did Shekhar confess about Preity to you?

I've got all the explanations I need from Shekhar. Preity has been trying to give me a lot of explanations too, which I don't want or need.

A while ago she would keep calling again and again, giving me explanations. Finally, I put my foot down and told her never to speak to me again. After that, she stopped.

I believe Preity even called to invite you for the premiere of Jaan-E-Mann?

She was holding a screening for kids and wanted Kaveri and I to attend. She wanted to build this family image, but I am appalled at her guts.

I didn't take her call so her office kept calling every five minutes. Buzz off. Main hi mili kya?

Will you marry again?

I don't know. My second husband would have to be a very, very nice guy. I would like to have more children though. But how can I? It's a bit of paradox (laughs).

Any last words?

I am not ashamed of anything that happened in my life. Shekhar has been honest and I don't need any explanations from some bloody cheapo.