Salman Khans open letter to critics: 5 things Bhai wants you to kno

(Image via intoday.in)

Dear Boys who like to think they are Men,

As you might be aware, there are very limited opportunities for a heartthrob like me to register my protest against the unfortunately named Dabanng government and their policies. Dixcy baniyan ka ad hum karte rahe aur chaati vo le gaye [I kept on advertising for vests and someone else has a manly chest]. In your aukaat, or as my father has told me to call it, your perspective, I might have been a mixed person. This is to put you in your damn place.. or as father says, avoiding misinterpretation.

1. I am not pro terrorism.

You people were unkind enough to miss Kick, where I was totally patriotic. You, dear intelligent people are a pain in the ass, or as my father says, easily misguided. I went on a kite festival with your God, and as you all know "Maine ek baar commitment kar di, to main apne aap ke bhi nahi sunta" [Once I commit, I don't listen to even myself]

2. I am pro traffic rules.

Canards have been liberally spread against me by the presstitutes (see? your term again.. Me so Modi). The important bit that the press did not consider was that it is the lot of non Ready people who have to get their Kick one way or the other to be delivered. Call me an old fashioned chiseled male in this age of pedicured protagonists, I firmly believe in the old adage "Gareeb! Hatao" [Poor! Move them]. Also, "Meri ek khaseeyat hai ki maarta kam hun, ghaseet ta zyada hun" [I have a specialty, I beat less, and drag more]

3. I am not irreverrential.

Allegations have been levelled against me calling me intemperate, mercurial and some other big words Karan calls me. (To the discerning reader: they are nincompoop' and wooden face', certified by M S Iyer, Stephen's wale) Far from being correct, these people are unpaid, or as papa says, misguided due to insufficient patronage. Ha, they will learn. In my immortal and Dabaang words: "There izz always a first time, always a next time"

4. I am a teetotaller

Unproved comments have tried to label me as a drunk driver. This istumhari maa ka veham, or as dad told me to put it, unfounded and baseless allegation. As a devout Muslim who only manipulates the populace on one of the three Eids available to me, I take serious offense to the drunk driving charge. Only drunk driving I do is after I am paid by the Dew/Thumps Up folks. Those calls to Viveik Oberoi were to take him off your screen. Thank me, ingrates.

5. I am not a self-obsessed celebrity.

Mischievous journalists (like Rahul Kanwal) and most certainly NOT Ms Dutt and Ms Ghose (or as daddy calls her C5M) have spared no efforts to portray me as the bigoted opportunist I most certainly I am not. I say stupid stuff every now and then, but have you forgotten your Kindergarten, RWs? My daddy strongest! saves me and gives work to my brothers! louuve you papa.

Sincerely,
Bhai.