I feel for Anandi

Page

Next Last

sweetgirl_21

@sweetgirl_21

Navigator

Posted: 13 years ago

I am a silent reader of this forum and I feel like sharing something here today. The way Jagya has treated Anandi I have also been through that. Only difference is for Jagya it was gaanv-sheher comparison and for me its India US.

when I cam to US 8 years ago, I was in culture shock. I was overwhelmed because of a lot of things. My husband kept snubbing me that I dont dress well and I dont have a western dressing sense, that I dont talk well, I dont have good interpersonal skills or communication skills,I dont know how to carry myself here among the whites. Even today I want to go back to India bec I dont feel I belong here. I feel comfortable wearing salwars, I dont talk much and I am a housewife, so I dont get to see the outside interaction much. But I am educated, Bsc graduate. Because of constant snubing, I have very low self esteem and self confidence. I dont have my friends and family here in US and I miss them a lot.

Now I am a stay at home mother and my whole world revolves around my daughter. My husband works full time, and he is a Roman in Rome KWIM..? Branded clothes, perfumes etc. and I am very simple. I cant believe he was in India for 28 years before he came to US. I just told him the other day " Why dont we go back to India where our family is, where my daughter can grow up around her grandparents, cousins etc" And he looked at me as if I uttered the most ridiculous thing on earth.

My husband has said a lot of things similar to what Jagya said to Anandi after he met Gauri. At least I am happy for Anandi that she has got a chance to move on and has met someone like Shiv.

Quote

Frequent Posters

718143

Suspended

Posted: 13 years ago

Hello Dear. I can understand your situation. I am also from India and Migrated to UK with husband after marriage. I faced the same challenges with the new western culture. I am not uncomfortable wearing western clothes though, I love my jeans, skirts n gowns. But I have adopted the 'dressing for the ocassion' attitude. If I'm at a temple then I wear saree, sindoor.. mangalsutra but if I'm at a patry with husband i wear my skirts gowns 😉

Well now why dont you accept the fact that you have to stay in the US, there is no other way.. so accept it, take it up as a challenge and try to adapt to it. Well, learning new things, new culture is not at all a bad thing. It would help you shape your character positively. For example in olden days my grandma used to grind her own flour at home with a grinding stone. But when the mixer/food processor came, she started using it. She learned the new technology.

I am not saying that one should have multiple affairs and come home drunk/drugged every time after partying..

but there are a lot of good things in this world worth learning , understanding and adapting them in ones life.

About the husband snubbing, i agree it is not good for your self confidence, but don't worry, u could ignore it and start working on your own personality. Maybe take up a job, start learning a new language, Join a hobby group..just get out of the house...😊

Quote

Looks like you are new here. Register for free, learn and contribute.

tinoo

@tinoo

Rocker

Posted: 13 years ago

Veechafan123

May I ask you why you are still with him? While I appreciate the fact that your husband's behaviour is completely obnoxious, I have to wonder what is preventing you from leaving him.

I really question women who stay any longer than half an hour with a man who insults them. And you have spent eight years with this man?

You are educated, and I presume that since you have been in the U.S. for eight years that you also have a work permit. You can take first steps to rehabilitate yourself -- just like anandi has been doing too. She got her degree, she works as a sarpanch etc. Instead of just feeling for anandi, you can adopt her as a role model.

That being said, I dont think you need to accept his view of you.

You are viewing yourself through his eyes. There is nothing "wrong" with you. Infact, your love for things Indian and your roots is something you should celebrate and not be ashamed of.

The one thing I have to question is did your husband not know all this about you when you got married? so what is the point of his constantly snubbing you after marriage as if he just found out all this as a complete surprise? If he was looking for a modern wife then he should have married one. I find it appalling that he would marry a traditional lady and then try to twist her into something she is not. Even if it was an arranged marriage, surely people have some indication in the one or two times they meet about world views and the other person's personality and inclination.

Quote

Nach_Baliye

@Nach_Baliye

Inactive

Posted: 13 years ago

I completely understand how difficult it is to leave someone especially with a kid in picture. I moved to the US with my husband as well, it was very difficult to adjust to the new culture and weather. However, over time, I have become a lot more independent and love it!

My husband works long hours but he also brings in good money, I love spending it 😆. I studied, have my own career, all on my own. I had my parents come over and we had a ball traveling. Every year I do a nice trip and enjoy traveling. I am just so grateful to be far far away from social obligations of India and pestering interfering in-laws, and love it here. I have not made as many friends as I like because I was very depressed for a while, but now I am working on it.

If your husband puts you down, try to change for yourself, your happiness, not him. See if he changes his tactic. If not, then he is not the right guy for you. Once you become more independent and less affected by what he says, he will automatically be a bit insecure and probably stop putting you down. A good life partner would help you change, not put you down. Maybe he sees these qualities in himself? Maybe he was pressured to do an arranged marriage and resents it? All of these are his problems.

I would say, embrace life, become more outgoing and independent, and try to not be as affected by your husband's negative tactics - its hard, but try. Once you do so, he will stop or get worse, not sure which way he will go.

Had you lived with in-laws in India, it could have been much worse!

One of my friends is in a similar situation, I keep telling her to look outside her kids and life, her husband has enough money to hire a full time nanny, but she doesn't want to change. She still makes yogurt at home, wants everything fresh, etc. It takes a toll on her because she is exhausted. You need to have the desire to change, nobody can do it for you.

I taught my husband to spend some money on clothes and dress well, its natural for a life partner to expect that. Of course I never put him down.

Quote

718143

Suspended

Posted: 13 years ago

Originally posted by: Nach_Baliye
I completely understand how difficult it is to leave someone especially with a kid in picture. I moved to the US with my husband as well, it was very difficult to adjust to the new culture and weather. However, over time, I have become a lot more independent and love it!

My husband works long hours but he also brings in good money, I love spending it 😆. I studied, have my own career, all on my own. I had my parents come over and we had a ball traveling. Every year I do a nice trip and enjoy traveling. I am just so grateful to be far far away from social obligations of India and pestering interfering in-laws, and love it here. I have not made as many friends as I like because I was very depressed for a while, but now I am working on it.

If your husband puts you down, try to change for yourself, your happiness, not him. See if he changes his tactic. If not, then he is not the right guy for you. Once you become more independent and less affected by what he says, he will automatically be a bit insecure and probably stop putting you down. A good life partner would help you change, not put you down. Maybe he sees these qualities in himself? Maybe he was pressured to do an arranged marriage and resents it? All of these are his problems.

I would say, embrace life, become more outgoing and independent, and try to not be as affected by your husband's negative tactics - its hard, but try. Once you do so, he will stop or get worse, not sure which way he will go.

Had you lived with in-laws in India, it could have been much worse!

One of my friends is in a similar situation, I keep telling her to look outside her kids and life, her husband has enough money to hire a full time nanny, but she doesn't want to change. She still makes yogurt at home, wants everything fresh, etc. It takes a toll on her because she is exhausted. You need to have the desire to change, nobody can do it for you.

I taught my husband to spend some money on clothes and dress well, its natural for a life partner to expect that. Of course I never put him down.

I completely agree with you Nach Baliye..

Quote

gksk

@gksk

Explorer

Posted: 13 years ago

I am also living in US and my advise to you is 'Try making friends and you will find many who are wishing to be friends with you'.

From your post (grammer etc.) it is clear that your English is pretty good. In my experience Americans are very friendly people. You do not need to change your dressing if you dont feel comfortable with it. Americans don't mind, they are real cool people. You don't need to drink or smoke to socialize. You don't need to eat non-veg or beef or anything you don't wish to to impress them. In my experience Americans are very open-hearted about difference in culture among people and accept you for what you are. the only thing needed is effort from your side.

I wear Indian and western dresses but nothing revealing. I don't drink or smoke. Still, I have sooo many friends in US, ALL americans because the area where I live does not have lots of Indians. I have even worn Sarees to parties, and the first time I wore a saree I felt like I was a celebrity because everyone wanted a pic with me. They ask me about traditions in India. I am even teaching basic Hindi to a colleague.

I don't agree with people who say that Americans are not cultured. If just wearing Indian clothes and touching elders feet is culture, then those people don't know the meaning of culutre. Culture means respecting everyone around you for what they are. Respecting your parents is culture. Helping friends and unknown people when they are in problem is culture. And I think Americans are more cultured than a lot of Indians.

Boys who eve-tease are not cultured.

People who think that person who is doing smaller job is not worthy of respect are not cultured.

Children who don't respect parents but touch feet in front of others are not cultured.

People who don't help a person bleeding badly on road after an accident are not cultured.

People who beat animals are not cultured.

Shopkeepers or farmers who sell adulterated food products or fake goods are not cultured.

Doctors who lie about severity of illness to get money from patients are not cultured.

Government Servants and policemen who take bribes are not cultured.

According to my experience, I have met more uncultured people in India then in US.

Don't judge Americans for their dresses, most are kind in heart. When I go to malls alone, mostly some man opens the door for me. When I was pregnant, people all around helped me all the time by opening doors or helping me carry my stuff or just saying a kind word. On my delivery night, a neighbour insisted on coming with us to the hospital to help us even when she had worked all day in office. She kept standing all night near my bed holding my hand and talking to me to distract me from the pain. I had been here on short trips when I made lots of friends before moving here long term. When we moved to our rented place from hotel, so many friends gave us their lightly used furniture so that we don't have to make major expenses in the beginning. They came to help us move to our home with heavy furniture etc. Due to all initial expenses (my Indian MNC company refused to give any advance), we did not have too much money for a good car. We bought a car which needed some work. My boss (who knows a lot about cars) along with his grandson fixed the car for us. He is a millionare but he did not hesitate from getting under our car to fix it. They had a car-cleaning party at their home to clean our car where their entire family cleaned our car with us. We got so many gifts and blessing for our daughter when she was born.

I have said Thank-You more often in US in the 2 years that I have spent here than in India in the other 27 years. When my husband and I moved here from India, we had never guessed we would find such good people here.

That is why I suggest, get out of your shell. Interact with people around. You will be pleasantly surprised that there are friends waiting with open arms waiting for your initiation.

Edited by gksk - 13 years ago

Quote

swathitv

@swathitv

Inactive

Posted: 13 years ago

understand in india gals are thought to be submissive and not expresssive, when i started to work in MNC, i am from small town i had only salwars and people tease, but finally very soon its your work that gives you recognisation not the dress , and anadi is my fav

Quote

Nisha

@KyunkiImafan

Rocker

+ 2

Posted: 13 years ago

I agree with everything that's said out here.

And morever with gksk. Americans are far move friendlier and open-minded than Indians. I have noticed it over the years once moving to US that a Indian wont give you a smile or say HI in malls, stores, streets, etc but Americans will always do so. Its a sad fact. I am not sure if Indians are always afraid to find another Indian who is going to take over their territory. 😆

Anyways, Veechafan123, I am younger to you and not even married so please don't misunderstand me but I hope you can see what I am trying to say. I moved here, ie in US in my teen years and of course the culture shock, the language barrier, and all the problems that come along with immigrating to a new country I have faced too. I understand your situation, I also understand that as traditional Indian you don't ever think about separating from your husband. But the thing here is not only about you. Can you see how this can affect your daughter? Imagine how she does/or might feel if your husband insults you in front of her. Can you understand what would go through her? Either she will grow up to resent you or your husband or marriage or all of the above. You say your world revolves around your daughter then I want you to change for better for her so she can grow up to be proud of you and know that when someone insult, she too can look up to you and know that she has to stand up.

In my family too, I have seen my mom being insulted, and I used to be furious with whoever would do so for a long time. It didn't matter if they treated me well or not, I would hate them cause they weren't treating my mom well. And I was just 4-5 years old! Later I started standing up for her, and she too seeing me realized that she has her little daughter's support and started standing up. And today, no one can point a finger at my mom, she says its cause of me, that I was strong that's why, but I know that its cause she made up her mind seeing how it was affecting me, and decided to do something rather than silently taking insults.

To bear injustice is same as doing injustice. What would you advice your daughter if she were in your place? Would you not ask her to not take her husband's behavior? Would you not ask her to find her way out of this? Would you not want that she stands up for herself? If you don't want to change for yourself, please change for your daughter's sake. And only change for better, of course not because you're forced to change, but that you want a healthier environment for your peace of mind, for your and your daughter's future. Don't think about your husband in all this, because if he respected you, he wouldn't be doing what he does in first place. So stop worrying about your husband, stop dwelling on what he says. Start living for yourself and your daughter.

If you feel afraid to mingle with Americans, find Indian temples in your city, most of the temples here in US have reading groups, volunteer work clubs, etc where you don't have to change anything about you at all. Or join, culture groups, every city where Indians live have these, ie Gujarati Samaj, Bengali Samaj, Sindhi...Punjabi, South Indian...you name it and they have it. Google it! Join your daughter's school PSA - Parent's Student Associations where parents and teachers come together and find activities that kids can do together.

Think of it this way, if you were in some kind of emergency, would you not go out and try to find help wherever possible? From neighbors, cops, pedestrians? Same way, the situation you are in, is a emergency also, because if you keep on living like this, you are bound to fall into depression. You need to go find ways and people who will help you out of this. And if all fails, go find a therapist, start taking a depression medicine, there are lots of options.

There's a saying and I am sure you know it. If we don't help ourselves, not even god can help us.

I hope that you wouldn't mind what I have said. And God Bless you and give you strength and courage to find the right path for you.

🤗

Edited by KyunkiImafan - 13 years ago

Quote

sweetgirl_21

@sweetgirl_21

Navigator

Posted: 13 years ago

Thank you so much for all time you spent on replying to my post. I will try to follow all your advice and work on that.

Mine was an arranged marriage and we hardly got enough time to get to know each other because he had come to India only for a short period of time and both families were eager to get us married. I was also not getting any younger. I think at that time he just liked me by my looks and that I was from a good family and I had a lot of confidence in me, a sort of a spark in me - a zest for life. Also I wasnt so sure I could adjust in a different country and I was a lil skeptical abt leaving my family and go miles away but I was convinced by many that its just normal. And that it will all change once I go to US. I am a changed person today...but for the worse.

The initial few months were very very hard. After some family intervention, things got a little better. I made a few friends and started to mingle with people. But there was this constant snubbing. And like a termite eating away the wood, his comments started eating my self confidence from the inside. After a certain point, I got used to it. I would cry and that wwas cathartic.

After my daughter was born, I was sort of depressed. I started to stay in much and not go out. For 4 years I just spent time with my daughter, nothing else mattered. I have started looking for jobs now that my daughter will be starting school but no calls. I have applied almost 100 so far...but nothing materialises. And my husband says all I know is to sit at home and do nothing.

I started watching BV after Shiv's entry and I am just so mesmerized. I know its just a show but watching it is so comforting. I look forward to watching it everyday. I hope Anandi realises that she is falling in love with Shiv and vice versa. Go ShivAn!

Quote

Blukitten

@Blukitten

Sparkler

+ 4

Posted: 13 years ago

#10

Originally posted by: veechafan123
Thank you so much for all time you spent on replying to my post. I will try to follow all your advice and work on that.

Mine was an arranged marriage and we hardly got enough time to get to know each other because he had come to India only for a short period of time and both families were eager to get us married. I was also not getting any younger. I think at that time he just liked me by my looks and that I was from a good family and I had a lot of confidence in me, a sort of a spark in me - a zest for life. Also I wasnt so sure I could adjust in a different country and I was a lil skeptical abt leaving my family and go miles away but I was convinced by many that its just normal. And that it will all change once I go to US. I am a changed person today...but for the worse.

The initial few months were very very hard. After some family intervention, things got a little better. I made a few friends and started to mingle with people. But there was this constant snubbing. And like a termite eating away the wood, his comments started eating my self confidence from the inside. After a certain point, I got used to it. I would cry and that wwas cathartic.

After my daughter was born, I was sort of depressed. I started to stay in much and not go out. For 4 years I just spent time with my daughter, nothing else mattered. I have started looking for jobs now that my daughter will be starting school but no calls. I have applied almost 100 so far...but nothing materialises. And my husband says all I know is to sit at home and do nothing.

I started watching BV after Shiv's entry and I am just so mesmerized. I know its just a show but watching it is so comforting. I look forward to watching it everyday. I hope Anandi realises that she is falling in love with Shiv and vice versa. Go ShivAn!

Hi I really feel for u...being alone in a foreign country must be quite depressing...

When My parents were looking for prospective groom I was very particular abt not getting married to an NRI and not leaving my job...I refused IIT IIM guys just coz they wanted a housewife in US.

Anyways now u cant change the past...get hold of ur life...stop paying attention to ur husband's snubbing.

If ur unable to get a job u can start doing something on ur own...Start taking tutions for kids...I am sure there would be many NRI kids around.

join a reading group in ur neighbourhood...start cookery classes.

If ur creative start painting,writing anything u like...u can turn ur hobby into professions...u can even earn online there are websites for freelance people...Try to find out what u can do.

Once ur busy with something u wont feel depressed.

Quote

1 2

I feel for Anandi

Related Topics

Explore Topics