Chapter 15
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[MEMBERSONLY]
EXPELLIARMUS 2013-07-16 10:44:11
Na paas aa sake...na door jaa sake.
(Part One)
"Extension?! What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Payal winced, and Arnav immediately felt a twinge of remorse for yelling at her.
This wasn't her fault, after all.
None of it was.
If anything, he was the one to blame here.
Ten days had now passed since he had last seen Khushi.
Ten days and sixteen hours, to be exact.
He knew that because he had kept a count, even while he had laughed derisively at himself for doing so in the first place.
He didn't quite understand why he felt this way to begin with.
When he thought of the professional, enthusiastic Ms.Gupta, the woman who had made an undesirable job tolerable...the only emotion in his mind was admiration.
When he thought of the woman in the caves, all he felt was respect for her courage and determination.
When his thoughts veered towards the ethereal,innocent image of the woman in the white nightgown, all he felt was a strange mix of protectiveness and desire.
And the memory of other men's eyes on her made him jealous above all else.
But when he finally allowed himself to think about the woman who had committed an unpardonable sin all those years ago, loathing and animosity overpowered everything .
These warring factions of his mind gave him no peace, and his work had suffered as a result.
But all that was no excuse for making Payal the target of his ire, and he knew that very well.
He opened his mouth to apologize, but she spoke before he could.
"Khushi has faxed the paperwork for a seven-day extension of her leave, Sir. Since she hasn't used her emergency leave since she joined the service, she has accumulated quite a lot and the request was accepted immediately. She is scheduled to return next week, and I will continue..."
"Did she say why?"
"Why?"
"Why has she requested for an extension? Is she ill?"
He refused to acknowledge the sudden lurch of his heart as he considered that possibility, and concentrated on Payal's response instead.
"I...well, she..."
He realized that Payal looked very uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
If she knew something about Khushi, he wanted to know too. There were no two ways about it.
"What is it?"
She looked down at her hands, then back up again.
"It's something that was said in confidence,Sir. I really don't know if I should share it with you..."
For the first time ever, he felt a glimmer of respect for Payal. Loyalty was clearly prized by her, and he respected that.
Despite all that, he had to know, the need was killing him inside.
"If my principal secretary is going to be absent for another week, I think I have the right to know why, don't you? Especially if she decides to file for another extension."
Payal stared at him, and he knew that she had understood the unspoken implications behind his statement. This was a direct order, even if it was disguised in polite terms.
"She...she needs another week because her family is considering a proposal for her. But she did say that seven more days would be all she needed, and until then I will..."
Payal continued speaking, but Arnav wasn't listening anymore.
He stood up abruptly and turned towards the window, his eyes unable to focus on the calming greenery outside.
A proposal?
The word crashed down on him with the impact of a hurricane, and he felt suddenly, oddly, breathless.
As if all the air had been sucked out of the room in which he stood.
His thoughts spun wildly for a moment, then suddenly coalesced.
He didn't quite know how or why he suddenly made the decision.
The rational, logical part of him was overpowered by something else... and before he knew it, he had turned back to Payal.
"What does my schedule look like for the next few days?"
Caught off-guard, Payal took a moment to respond. She flipped through his organizer, then looked up at him.
"Just a couple of public-speaking engagements, the usual Parliament sessions, and then there is one..."
"Cancel everything."
"Sir?"
"You heard me, cancel everything and send them my apologies."
"But...why? I mean, is something wrong, Sir?"
He stared at Payal, unable to believe what he was about to do.
Unable to believe why he was going to do it.
It was as if he was being controlled by a force greater than himself...stronger than anything he had ever known.
The words left his mouth before conscious thought could put a stop to them, and Payal's eyes widened in surprise.
"There's nothing wrong. I've just decided to accept Kumar's invite, that's all."
"Kumar? So...this means that you are going to attend the party's election rally after all?"
He smiled, a grim, disbelieving twist of his lips that wasn't actually worthy of being called one at all.
He was really going through with this.
Because he just couldn't stop himself.
The battle was over before it had even begun.
"That's right. Book my flight right now."
_______
"Khushi, it's not your fault!"
Khushi looked up at Lavanya, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
"Then whose fault is it, Lavanya? Everything was perfect, he was perfect...and the family was wonderful too. They didn't even have any problems with me working in Delhi for a while...there was absolutely nothing that was wrong with them!"
"Khushi, I know all that, and I agree, but..."
"Then why, La? Why? Why did I refuse to meet with him alone? That was the only request he made, the only thing he wanted before taking things further...and I just couldn't do it!"
Lavanya placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, then turned Khushi's face towards her own.
"Khushi, I know that you couldn't go through with it. I also know that the guy's family left immediately after you refused his request...Amma told me all about it just as soon as I entered. And then I rushed in here as fast as I could. I've heard their version of events, Khushi. Now I'm here to listen to yours. I want the truth, the honest, unvarnished truth about what is really going on here."
Khushi stared at Lavanya, and saw only the genuine compassion and sincerity that she had come to expect from her.
And in that instant, she knew that she had to say it all.
She had to give vent to all her mixed-up emotions before they strangled her, and there was no better person to share it with.
"La...you already know what happened in Sheesh Mahal..."
"That was despicable, Khushi. Don't tell me you're still thinking about that!"
"I...no, I'm not. I know why it happened, that isn't a surprise to me at all."
Lavanya was staring at her curiously, and Khushi noted a hint of apprehension in her gaze.
"Khushi...when you first came home from Delhi, your...condition was too fragile, and I didn't want to ask you too many questions in front of the whole family. Obviously, they now know whom you are working for, but everything else is still hidden from your parents...that's why I did not ask for too many details. But now...I have to know, Khushi. Just why did that sight in Sheesh Mahal affect you in that way?"
Khushi closed her eyes, unable to bear it for a moment.
She had been running away from this realization for days now, but Lavanya was right.
It was time to face her demons.
She looked up at Lavanya, and took a deep breath.
"La...when I ran out of Sheesh Mahal after...seeing him with Sh...Sheetal...all I could think of was...the past. My mind was taken up by the fact that I was still being punished for what happened ten years ago, and I couldn't focus on anything else..."
"Wait a minute, Khushi. Why did you think of it as punishment at all? What is it to you if Arnav Singh Raizada is kissing another woman?"
Khushi wanted to close her eyes against Lavanya's penetrating gaze, surely that was better than examining this closely?
But she reminded herself of her earlier resolve, and forced herself to speak.
"It is punishment, Lavanya. Because something had changed between us. We had...there was..."
She got up suddenly, too restless to remain seated anymore.
Walking over to the window, she grasped the curtain tightly and continued in a low, tormented voice.
"That one moment shattered a fragile hope that I wasn't even aware of until that evening."
"A hope of...something more between the two of you?"
Khushi nodded weakly, unable to respond.
She expected an explosion at any moment, Lavanya would probably berate her for even thinking about him in such terms after all that had happened.
But her friend surprised her.
"Has he done anything to fuel those hopes?"
She stiffened, and clenched the white curtain in a death-grip.
"He...no. Not really...but...something was happening between us ,La. It started during that cave expedition...and then there were those phone calls when we came back..."
"Do you think he did all that deliberately, so that he could hurt you in this way later? Was he setting you up for this all the time?"
Khushi closed her eyes tightly, unable to think about that possibility.
Unable to believe that those precious moments had been an act...
"I...I don't know..."
Lavanya came up behind her and placed her hand on her shoulder.
"Alright, let's forget about him for a moment. Let's talk about you right now."
"Me?"
"Yes, you. I want to know what exactly you feel for him. "
What did she feel ?
Up until this moment, she had never really allowed herself to think about it.
"La, I...I'm not sure. When he...when he looks at me with those hatred-filled eyes, I can't help but wish that the past had never occurred. And...and now when he isn't here, I..."
"...miss him?"
Khushi turned around, tears filling her eyes once more.
"How is that even possible, La? How can I miss someone who hasn't stopped hating me for a grievous mistake committed ten years ago? Someone who did such a terrible thing just a few days ago? Why am I...drawn to him, even after what just happened at Sheesh Mahal? Why do I want to run away, and run towards him , all at once? What is wrong with me, Lavanya?"
Her voice had risen with every word, and Lavanya looked nervously behind her at the closed door.
"Sshhh,..here, come and sit down with me, Khushi."
She led her to the bed and sat down beside her, then took both her hands in her own.
"There's nothing wrong with you , Khushi. There never was. Ten years ago, you made an error in judgement, just like the rest of the world does at some point or the other. The only difference was that your mistake was compounded by a cruel trick of fate, with disastrous results. But it wasn't your fault. If the communal violence hadn't broken out in Lucknow that day...or the police had arrived just a few moments before and dispersed that mob...things would have been entirely different. Your mistake would have remained just that, a mistake. You have to believe that!"
A lone tear found it's way down Khushi's cheek, and Lavanya brushed it away.
"What is happening now isn't your fault either. Destiny is being unkind again, and you have to face the dilemma of being attracted to a man who is a reminder of the worst day of your life."
"Lavanya...I don't understand...why are you being so...objective about all this? I thought you would yell at me for doing something so foolish..."
"And what purpose would that achieve, Khushi? Besides, you are obviously forgetting what I had to go through before my wedding. This internal conflict isn't really new to me, you know."
Khushi knew just what she was talking about.
Lavanya and NK had gone through a lot before their wedding had actually taken place. In the beginning, Lavanya had to deal with NK's resistance to the whole idea of them getting together because she was eight years younger to him, and still a student in a Master's program. When they had finally started dating, Lavanya's family had been shocked to find out the identity of the man their only daughter was going out with. It had taken a lot of convincing on NK's part, and tears on Lavanya's before they had even considered the possibility of an engagement. The couple had then opted for a court marriage in order to avoid offending the two families. Lavanya's parents were still uncomfortable with the entire situation, and contact between the two families was scarce at this point.
Khushi had supported Lavanya through it all, and had seen first-hand evidence of the turmoil she had gone through as a result of having to choose between the family she loved, and the man who had become her entire life.
Lavanya's next words brought her musings to a halt.
"So now that we have a better idea of what exactly you feel for him, my next question would be...why did you agree to get married?"
Khushi looked away, unable to answer that question.
Lavanya turned her around to face her again, and gripped her hands tightly as she continued.
"I asked you that same question when you initially told Amma about your decision, and your answer was that...it was the right time. But now I want the truth, Khushi. When you have all these pent-up feelings for another man, why are you willing to tie yourself to a different person? Would you be able to give him your all, and be everything he needs when your heart was elsewhere? Why are you doing this, Khushi?"
She shook her slightly, her voice dropping to a whisper.
"Is it because you feel that doing so would fulfill your duty towards your parents? Or are you doing this for revenge against the man who flaunted another woman in your face?"
"NO!"
Khushi pulled her hands out of Lavanya's, her face paling with every word.
"That's not the reason, surely you know me better than that, Lavanya!"
"Then what is it? I need to know!"
"It's...it's difficult to explain, La..."
"Khushi...I've been your friend for years, we've shared so much, been through so much together. If you don't share this with me, then who can you possibly confide in?"
Khushi twisted her dupatta in her hands, then looked back up at Lavanya.
"Lavanya...over the years, I had completely given up on the dream of being a married woman, convinced that I did not deserve it. But when he...when all this happened, I started hoping for a semblance of normalcy, a chance of happiness for myself. Obviously, I did it with the wrong person. There's just too much hate there...too much poison...it just wouldn't work. But after that incident at Sheesh Mahal...I realized that my dream could become a reality, if only I gave myself the permission to step forward and embrace the possibilities...with someone else. Does that make sense?"
"It does...in a strange, sad way. You saw a glimpse of what you wanted with him, but you realized that things wouldn't work out between the two of you because the hatred overpowered everything else. But that glimpse made you realize that you wanted it all, just not with him. You want to move on, but not with him."
Khushi was close to tears again, moved beyond words that Lavanya could understand her so perfectly.
"La...it didn't work, though, did it? I couldn't even spend five minutes with that guy who had just come home...let alone a lifetime! What am I going to do now, La? I just don't know anymore..."
"Khushi, I..."
Lavanya's words were interrupted by the ring of Khushi's cellphone, and both women looked at it, startled.
When Khushi made no move to pick it up, Lavanya pressed the 'talk' button and handed it to her.
"H...hello?"
Khushi listened to the voice at the other end of the line, her face paling with every word.
"But...but Mr.Singh, I'm on personal leave at the moment!"
She grit her teeth at his answer, aware that there was really no way out for her. She couldn't refuse a direct order from her superior officer in the Ministry, and he knew that well.
"Mr Singh, it is only for one evening, am I correct?"
She closed her eyes when she heard his assurance.
"Thank you. No, it won't be a problem. I'll be there."
As she cut the call, she noticed the concern that was writ large in Lavanya's eyes.
"What is it, Khushi? Was it a call from work?"
"Yes. Apparently, there has been a request made directly to my superior . My presence is required at an important press conference to be held tomorrow evening in Bangalore."
"What?! But you are on leave!"
"It doesn't matter, La. I cannot refuse a direct order, and it is only for one evening. That isn't the problem, really."
"It isn't?"
"No. The problem is something else."
______
Arnav walked out of the Stadium, the light rain wetting his white kurta immediately.
He pulled at the collar, feeling immensely uncomfortable with the unfamiliar clothes. Apparently, this was the uniform of sorts for rallies of this kind, and he had been forced to wear it this morning.
The election rally had gone off as expected, with several long-winded speeches by politicians who could have been his grandfather. He had been called upon to speak as well, but he had kept it brief, limiting his talk to a few sentences about his support and endorsement of the party candidates.
The rest of the day had been spent with the other party members from around the country, as well the campaign committee members.
And now, it was finally time.
Time to do what he had really come here for.
He stepped into the white car, then leaned back against the headrest immediately. It had been a tiring day, and he was exhausted.
However, there were still a few more hours before he could call it a day, and then there was...
His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he pulled it out, grimacing as he caught sight of the caller display.
"Arnav bitwa?"
"Nani. How are you?"
"I'm fine, as always. But I've just found out something that has surprised me, and that's the reason why I'm calling you."
Arnav had an inkling about why she was calling him, but he decided to play along anyway.
"What are you talking about?"
"When you told me that you had changed your mind about accepting Kumar's invitation to attend the election rally, I was quite surprised. But I attributed it to the fact that you had suddenly understood the importance of these things for the party. So imagine my astonishment when I found out the real reason today."
"I'm waiting with bated breath, Nani."
"There's no need to be sarcastic, just because I have stumbled onto the truth. My sources tell me that your principal secretary has taken a leave of absence, and is currently living with her family."
"You have excellent sources, Nani."
"Is is a coincidence that you made the sudden decision to go to the same city where she is, at exactly the same time?"
Arnav drew in a sharp breath, well aware that Devyani Raizada had arrived at the truth.
Staring at the red buildings of the Bangalore High Court rushing past his window, and took in another breath before replying.
"I don't have to answer any of these questions, Nani. Remember what you said about adults and their decisions?"
"I also remember what I said about adults and their mistakes. And that is what I think you are going to do now."
"Nani, I appreciate the advice, but..."
"Listen to me, bitwa. If you have gone there with the intention of exacting revenge, or punishment of any kind, then it is my duty to stop you. This has gone far enough, you have carried the burden of hatred long enough. It has to end now. Because that is what Anjali bitiya would have wanted."
He closed his eyes, a tension headache beginning to pound against his temples.
"Nani, don't..."
"This has to be said, bitwa. I've kept quiet for far too long. You have lived a lonely life of bitterness and allowed the past to cloud your every action, do you think that Anjali would have wanted this life for you?"
"Nani, I'm putting the phone down."
"Go right ahead, Arnav. But while you do that, remember this: the men who actually did this heinous crime have never been caught, despite our best attempts to find them after the riots subsided. For all we know, they might be living a life of relative normalcy somewhere...but you and Khushi aren't. The sinners have survived, but the innocent are still being punished. While it is not in my hands to right the former, I can do something about the latter. And I will."
"Nani, this has gone far enough!"
"That is exactly my point, Arnav. It has gone far enough. Let this hatred go now, before it destroys you completely. For my sake. For Anjali's."
His sister' s name was the final straw, and he cut the call, throwing his phone aside as he did so.
But his Nani's words stayed with him, echoing in his mind as he walked out of the car into the venue of the press conference. He refused to think too much about what she had said, well aware that he would be unable to concentrate on anything else if he did so.
The five-star hotel was one of Bangalore's finest, and he stepped into the air-conditioned elevator, wondering once more about the blatant disregard for the taxpayer's money that was such an integral part of life here.
The moment he stepped out of the lift, every other thought flew from his head as he saw her standing there.
Dressed in a violet saree with her hair tied up into a knot at the back of her head, she looked...beautiful.
There was just no other word for it.
He stood there for a moment, looking his fill.
She was staring at him too, but her eyes betrayed no emotion whatsoever.
"Ms.Gupta."
"Good evening, Sir. The conference room is this way. If you will follow me, we still have time for a twenty minute briefing before the press conference starts."
She turned around and walked towards the room, and he was left with no choice but to follow.
He refused to feel any guilt for bringing her out here during her leave period on the flimsy pretext of this briefing, but that had been the only excuse he could think of at that moment.
And it had worked.
She was here, with him.
But over the course of the next couple of hours, he realized that this might have been an exercise in futility.
During the briefing, there had been a couple of other committee members present, and there had been no opportunity to talk to her at all. Then later, the press conference had occupied all his attention, and he had struggled to keep up with all the questions that were thrown at him. Her briefing helped , though, and he managed to get through the worst without embarrassing himself.
And now, it was over, and it was already time for her to head home.
He watched in increasing desperation as she said goodbye to the others, then walked briskly towards him.
He racked his mind to come up with an excuse, anything that could make her stay...but came up with nothing.
The sheer irony of the situation almost made him laugh.
He should be pushing her away... far, far, away...instead, he was searching for reasons to pull her close.
"Sir, will there be anything else? It's time for me to leave now."
He stared down at her, willing her to show him some emotion, anything at all.
But her pale face remained calm, and he resisted the urge to grind his teeth.
"No, you may go."
She turned around immediately, and it was at that moment that he noticed it.
Her bag.
Throughout the last month, he had observed her choice of handbags, beige or brown leather with no accessories on them.
This was the first time he was seeing the multi-colored, vibrant cloth bag slung across her shoulders, it's tassels swinging with every step she took.
It too him back in time as he remembered a similar bag carried by her when they had first met.
He didn't quite know why that sight affected him, but it did.
He didn't stop to think ,or plan.
He caught up with her in a few steps, then addressed her in a low voice.
"Actually, there is something I'd like you to help me with. If you could come with me now?"
He didn't wait for an answer.
Turning around, he headed for the empty break-room beside the conference area.
He heard her hesitant footsteps behind him, and looked up and down the corridor to see if anyone was there.
But there was no one, since everyone had already left after the press meet.
"Sir? What can I do for you?"
She had stopped just outside the door, and he looked back at her.
Her fingers were white around the strap of the bag she carried, and her eyes were wide and nervous.
She looked like she would run away at any moment.
And he couldn't have that.
Giving himself no time to think, he quickly reached out and grasped her hand, then pulled her inside the room and closed the door behind them.
Her eyes widened, and she pushed against his chest.
Her lips parted, but he stopped her before she could scream.
_________
(Please scroll down for Part Two)
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