Chapter 16
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[MEMBERSONLY]
EXPELLIARMUS 2013-07-19 11:11:05
Na Paas Aa Sake...Na door Jaa Sake...
(Part Two)
Khushi stared at the man before her, unable to believe what had just happened.
Had Arnav Singh Raizada really pulled her into an empty room and clamped his hand over her mouth?
She stilled for a moment, then began to struggle again.
His low-voiced, intense whisper stopped her in her tracks.
"Stop fighting me. I just have something to say, that's all. I'm going to take my hand away now, but try not to scream, alright?"
She nodded once, then inhaled a quick breath when he moved his hand away.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
She pushed him away, then walked over to the table in the center of the room.
When she turned back to look at him, he was still standing where she had left him.
The look in his eyes was indecipherable, and for a moment she let her gaze wander over his kurta-clad form.
It had been ten days since she had seen him last, and she fought to keep her expression neutral and unaffected.
"Khushi...look, I don't want us to start out on the wrong foot here. I've come here because there's something that needs to be said, and I don't want anything to get in the way."
Something he had said caught her attention, and she pounced on the word.
"Come here? So I was right about this whole trip. You changed your mind about attending the rally , and then manipulated things so that I was forced to attend this press meet!"
"I did what I had to, and I make no apologies for it. I made this decision when Payal told me that you had applied for an extension of your leave, and the reason why..."
Her eyes widened, and she clenched her hands into fists.
"The reason? How did you..."
"I forced Payal to tell me.To her credit, she refused at first since this was shared in confidence..."
"Yes, it was! And you had no right to force her into admitting anything! What does this have anything to do with you anyway? Why does any of this matter to you?"
He looked away for a moment, then walked up to her and gestured towards the table.
"Look, I don't want this to turn into yet another war of words between us. Why don't we sit down and.."
"I don't want to sit down. I don't want to stay here for even one more minute, not unless you have some work for me."
"Khushi, don't be difficult..."
At that, she lost it completely.
Her eyes and voice turned to ice, and she struggled to control her temper as she replied.
"Difficult?! How dare you!"
"Look, I'm really trying to stay calm here, and the least you can do is help by..."
"Help? After what happened at Sheesh Mahal, how can you even ask this of me? What kind of man are you?!"
He took in a deep breath, then sat down heavily in a chair.
"It is because of what happened at Sheesh Mahal that I have come here in the first place."
"What?"
"Khushi...sit down. Please."
She watched him warily as she walked over to the other side of the table and slid into a chair.
She couldn't understand the reason behind his uncharacteristic behavior, but she had a feeling that she was going to find out soon enough.
He waited until she was seated, then rubbed one hand over his forehead.
The action drew her attention to the signs of fatigue on his face, and she suppressed the twinge of sympathy she felt.
He was staring at her now, and she leaned back in her chair, waiting for him to speak.
But when he finally did, astonishment was her only reaction.
"I have hated you for ten years now."
She clenched her hands by her sides, trying to stop herself from clutching her chest where a sharp pain had blossomed at his words.
"I hated you for writing the letter that made my...sister leave the house that night. I hated you for not listening to me when I warned you about the rising communal tension in the city. And I hated you for...creating the circumstances that took away the only person I really cared about."
She opened her mouth, but he raised a hand immediately.
"Hear me out, please. That's all I ask, for now."
She nodded reluctantly, unable to bear the direction of this conversation anymore.
Yet, she was strangely aware that this needed to be said.
As they stared into each other's eyes, an unspoken communication seemed to pass between them.
Words long hidden, feelings long suppressed...this was the time to lay them out for the other to see.
It was time.
"When I saw you again, I hated you for bringing back the past. For taking me back to that place where I never wanted to go again. I hated you, and I was secure in that hatred."
She tried to remain calm, but it was becoming increasingly difficult.
"I know all that. It's the reason why you...why that night at Sheesh Mahal ever happened."
"No, it wasn't."
Shocked beyond words, she could only stare at him as he stood up and walked over to her side of the table.
He stopped when he was a few feet away, then stared down at her before he continued.
"It took me a while, but I finally realized one , very important thing. If my hatred fueled my actions, if my hatred had taken over complete control of my mind like I thought it had, I could have taken my revenge a long time ago."
"What?"
"Think about it. If I wanted, I could have avenged myself in a million ways by now. What I did that night with Sheetal...that was nothing compared to what I could have done."
"What are you..."
"I could have punished you in far worse ways. By planting false evidence of corruption and having you thrown out of the service, for example. That would have destroyed you professionally, and taken away the one thing you prided yourself on. Or I could have left you in the cave for hours, until someone eventually found you. And that night, in your hotel room...I could have paid any number of photographers to take pictures of me going in there at night...the scandal would have been disastrous. "
Her face had paled now as she considered the horrifying possibilities that he had placed before her.
"The point is, I didn't do anything of that sort. "
He walked over to the head of the table and leaned against it.
"Instead, I chose to throw my intimacy with another woman in your face. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't very damaging, compared to what I could have done. And when I thought about this, I realized something that had been staring me in the face all this while."
"You...what?"
"That incident with Sheetal wasn't a result of hatred, not completely, at least. The sight of Sheesh Mahal brought back the memories of that terrible time, and what happened was a blind reaction to that. But it was also a last-ditch effort, a final attempt by a drowning man..."
"I...I don't understand..."
"I was fighting. Fighting this thing that seems to exist between us. This thing that doesn't seem to care for the past, or for virulent emotions like hatred."
Stunned, she stared at him as he finally acknowledged the unknown something that drew them together.
"I was fighting it when I decided to use Sheetal as my weapon, and I succeeded in inflicting wounds upon you. But what I hadn't counted on was...how much those wounds would hurt me."
She stood up slowly, unable to believe her ears.
"What you did was disgusting. It was an insult to her, as well as me. Don't try to justify it by telling me about your supposed suffering."
"I'm not justifying anything. None of this can be justified anyway. I am only trying to tell you what I have just discovered about myself, in the hope that you will be equally honest with me in turn."
"Are you still fighting it?"
"If I was, would I be standing here right now? I've given up, Khushi. I can't stay away anymore. I can't fight this any longer."
She laughed, a broken , hollow sound that seemed to come from deep inside her shattered soul.
"Is this some new plan of yours? Some new scheme for revenge, perhaps? Do you think I will believe you when you tell me that all the hatred has suddenly disappeared and you have given up?"
"I never said the hatred has gone away. Not completely."
"What?!"
"I may not hate you, but I hate what you represent. I hate the memories you bring back, and the loss that you are a symbol of. And I don't know if that will ever change."
She stared at him, unwillingly drawn by his honesty.
He was baring his soul to her, and she could do no less in return.
She wasn't a coward, she could take a risk or two of her own and let him see the things she had hidden for years...
"I wrote those letters because I didn't want to lose Bhai."
His jaw hardened, but he didn't look away.
"I know. "
"He was the only real family I had left, and I...just couldn't bear it if anything happened to him..."
"My sister was my only family too."
She closed her eyes, the familiar guilt sweeping over her again.
Her voice dropped to an agonized whisper.
"I know. And I am so very sorry...more than words can say."
"You have been punishing yourself all these years, haven't you?"
Her eyes snapped open.
How did he know about that?
He gestured at her bag and answered her unspoken question.
"That bag reminded me of the vibrant,lively girl who met me on the lawns of Sheesh Mahal. I know that life makes people change, but you went beyond that, didn't you? The muted clothes, the lack of accessories...and the unmarried status when you are pushing thirty..."
Her eyes widened at his perceptiveness.
"I didn't even need to take revenge. You have been punishing yourself far more effectively over the years, haven't you?"
"Not anymore."
He stared at her from head to toe, and she flushed under his gaze.
"Yes, I see the change. And it worried me. Which was part of the reason why I rushed down here in the first place."
"What are you talking about?"
"The proposal. "
"What?!"
"You are making the same mistake I made days ago. In a bid to escape what's between us, you are latching onto the first option out there. But do you really think that will work? Do you really see yourself marrying some random, faceless man, and being a good wife to him? Living with him, sleeping in his arms, letting him touch..."
"Stop it! What I intend to do with my life is none of your business! And there's nothing between us! I'm not your girlfriend, or your wife, or anything! "
"You are wrong, on all counts. Lie to yourself if you want, but how much longer can you ignore what lies between us? How far will you run,and where will you hide, Khushi? When will you face the truth?"
Incensed beyond anything, she walked right up to him and stared up at him fearlessly.
"The truth?! You want the truth? Fine! I was running away, but not from what lies between us! I was ready to embrace the unknown that night at Sheesh Mahal, until I saw that vile sight! My decision has nothing to do with that. I want an escape from the poisonous hatred that seeps through everything you do. I want to leave the past behind and finally move forward, but I can't do that with you! "
"How will you know that, unless you take that chance?"
She shook her head, backing away from him until the backs of her knees hit the table behind her.
"I don't..."
"Neither do I, Khushi. Do you think I like feeling this way? Do you think I like the loss of control and the helplessness? I don't. But if there's one thing I've learned over the past few days, it's that I still want you. No matter what."
He walked up to her and grasped her by the shoulders, the heat of his palms searing through the thin fabric of her blouse.
"So here's the deal, and I will speak for both of us here, since you are still in apparent denial. We can't stay away from each other, that's a given. But I don't think we're at the living-together phase yet."
He laughed a self-deprecating laugh, then pulled her closer.
"So we take a chance with this thing between us, and see where it goes. But at the same time, I should warn you..."
His eyes bored down into hers, and she took in a sharp breath at the intensity in his gaze.
"I cannot promise that...the past will never rise up between us. When it comes to...that, I don't think I have complete control yet. And neither do you, I think. But despite all that, I want to take the risk. Because that's what I've always done , throughout my life."
He raised one hand to her face, and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
"The question is, are you willing to take that risk?"
******************
A/N:
Thank you so much for all your comments, you are my only inspiration as I write these chapters into the wee hours of the night!
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