Chapter 1

Darmiyaan…

"Happy Anniversary, Arnav!" Her delicate arms enfolded his slumbering figure from behind in a gentle embrace, cradling him close. The night before, he had taken a late flight, returning home at 4 am so they could spend the entire day together. While they planned to celebrate lavishly that evening, he had promised her that his whole day would be devoted solely to her. To say she was overjoyed would be an understatement; she felt like she was walking on air. Two years of marital bliss! 

She ruffled his hair as his grunts let her know Arnav was awake. She had even dressed in his favourite colour, draping herself in a vibrant shade of red, ready for the day ahead.

Arnav turned to face his wife of two years, his lips curving into a small smile.

"Happy Anniversary, Babe!" He planted a quick kiss on her cheeks. 

"I know you were busy in the meetings back in Banglore and didn't get the chance to get me anything. But I am going to give you my gift, and you take it without feeling guilty," she said, smiling shyly as she handed him a small box wrapped in shimmering gold paper. "And you can promise to buy me two gifts instead of one to compensate for the oversight."

Arnav nodded as he sat up in bed, deftly removing the wrapping. He uncovered a black box, and his smile broadened as he opened it. Inside, he found a magnificent watch that had caught his eye weeks earlier in a magazine. He had let her know that he was going to buy it the first chance he get and she beat him to it. Arnav pulled her in for a hug and whispered a thank you in his raspy morning voice, which according to her, was the sexiest thing in the whole wide world. 

"By the way, I didn't think you'd miss the gigantic gift in the room, but I suppose we'll need to take you to an eye doctor soon," Arnav joked, releasing her as he gestured toward the green armchair at the foot of the bed. In stark contrast to the furniture, there was a massive red package on the seat, which she had obviously missed in a rush to get ready before he woke up. She really was blind to have missed that monstrosity.

She bounced over to the chair, settling herself down and quickly ripping open the excellent wrapping. The enormous red box bore the symbol of a striding tiger, causing her eyes to widen in astonishment.

"Sabyasachi!" she exclaimed, even before opening the box.

"Yep", Arnav confirmed as he stepped down from the bed, heading towards the bathroom. He paused along the way to catch his wife in another embrace as she had hurled herself at him in excitement. 

"Thank you, Arnav!"

"You're welcome, Lavanya!"

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That night, they walked hand in hand; exuding an air of regality not to be trifled with, as they made their way to the guest hall of Raizada Mansion, where a grand party for their anniversary was underway. Earlier that evening, Lavanya had been captivated by the sight of Arnav expertly fastening the cuff links onto his black satin shirt in their vanity room. The smooth fabric and impeccable fit of the shirt seemed to perfectly complement his chiselled physique and sharp features, which had enraptured Lavanya since the very first day they had met. Despite her wanton thoughts, she only chuckled inwardly at her playful desires for her husband, knowing they would have to wait until the evening's festivities were over. Until then, she would have to content herself with the memories of their repeated adventures in bed that day, and perhaps later, she could let him know once more just how irresistible he was to her. 

Lavanya walked into the party with a subtle but unmistakable air of pride, buoyed by the knowledge that Arnav had commissioned her attire himself and absolutely loved it on her. The beautiful golden shimmery gown was a masterpiece of craftsmanship, the delicate fabric combining silk and satin that flowed gracefully with each step she took. Intricate beading and embroidery adorned the bodice, weaving a mesmerising pattern of floral and vine motifs that glittered like stars. Every time she moved, the gown seemed to catch the light in a different way, dazzling onlookers and leaving a lasting impression in their minds. Arnav's eyes had earlier shone in appreciation when he noticed her looking at him getting dressed, and he had come over to give her a passionate kiss, a clear indication that he, too, was looking forward to the end of the party. Lavanya believed him completely, secure in the knowledge that they would soon be wrapped up in each other's arms once again.

Her faith in him grew stronger as she now watched him from far away; conversing with Sheetal, the recently appointed third-party consultant for AR, who seemed to believe that touching his arm after every other jest was acceptable social conduct. Initially a sense of possessiveness had washed over Lavanya. But across the room, Arnav met her gaze, and both of them shared a private laugh at Sheetal's pitiable and transparent attempts at flirting. Arnav's dexterity in handling such situations, which occurred too frequently for Lavanya's comfort, only deepened her feelings for him as if she wasn't already hopeless in love. 

A genuine smile played on Lavanya's lips as she witnessed Arnav expertly creating some distance between himself and Sheetal, using the pretext of introducing her to Aman, who now stood between them, utterly clueless. Aman, Arnav's trusted secretary, had approached him with some important news, but his sullen superior had brushed the news aside, patting his arm lightly to welcome him into the circle between himself and Sheetal. Lavanya shook her head in amusement. How on earth did she get so lucky? 

Lavanya saw her friends and excused herself from colleagues who couldn't keep work out of their mouths even for one evening. Trust Arnav to only hire workaholics like himself, she thought. She joined her friends and let them know that she was in dire need of a drink or maybe nine of them. A minute later, she was sipping the red and savouring the complex blend of flavors, from the deep berry notes to the subtle hints of oak. The wine's velvety texture danced on her tongue, leaving a warm and pleasant sensation in its wake. She only nodded as her friends went on and on about what a gem of a husband Arnav is.

Lavanya was in complete accord with every single word that was being lavished upon Arnav. He really was the best husband one could’ve asked for, not something she would have predicted when she first met him. In fact, they bonded over their mutual distaste for the institution of marriage and the irony of it wasn’t lost on her. The man she had dated and the man she had married were two entirely distinct personas. 

When she entered this marriage, she had anticipated the bare minimum from Arnav. Instead, he had surpassed all expectations by giving her the world. Despite his hectic schedule, he made time for her and was fully present whenever she needed him, emotionally or otherwise. He took her out far more frequently than any other couple she knew and, without fail, every single time he hit the bullseye regarding whether Lavanya would like something or not. He held her opinions in high regard, professionally and personally. And though they had their fair share of disagreements, he never sulked or shouted, instead opting to talk things out. They had embarked on numerous adventures together, travelling extensively over the last two years and making passionate love in the most unlikely places - from beneath the starry skies on private beaches in Hawaii to a small yet opulent cottage in the heart of an African jungle. Lavanya's friends had told her she was living a fairy tale, and she couldn't help but agree. But as she took her fourth drink for the evening, the rare feeling of doubt again crept into her mind.

What was missing between her and Arnav? 

Lavanya had experienced this emotion time and again, a disquieting feeling that left her uncertain and vulnerable. It vexed her deeply when she couldn't identify the source of this sentiment amidst her otherwise perfect life. For weeks on end, she would be happy, only to find herself yearning for something more on one random day. She felt as if there was something dense and dark sitting between her and her husband and yet somehow she wasn’t able to see it. Arnav had observed it more than once, and Lavanya could only stare at his kind eyes when he inquired about what was wrong. His genuine concern unnerved her, and she desperately wished to provide an explanation for her husband. 

But the truth of the matter was that she didn't have any. She scrutinised every aspect of his behaviour in her mind, seeking any flaw that could justify the hollow feeling in her heart towards him. Yet, Arnav emerged unscathed each time, exceeding her expectations. Lavanya had already concluded that there was nothing wrong with him, that he was perfect. It was a her issue.

Out of all days, she hasn't expected today to be a day for feeling inadequate for her husband. The libations flowed freely, and she attempted to numb her racing thoughts with glasses after glasses of Chardonnay. However, the alcohol appeared to worsen the situation rather than alleviate it. She realised that no one would comprehend why the fortunate wife of Arnav Singh Raizada felt so out of place in her own home. And as this thought refused to go away, amidst the bustling hall, Lavanya felt utterly alone. As though it were the most desolate location in the universe.

Lavanya soon came to the realisation that she should have exercised moderation and stopped after her sixth drink. Instead, however, she imbibed a few more, and now it was a Herculean task to maintain the poised and polished façade of a Raizada daughter-in-law. Would it make the tabloids if she were to spew her heart out in one of Anjali's exquisite vases? Or should she cling to the last shred of self-restraint and proceed to the washroom? While she contemplated between the two alternatives, a strong arm enveloped her waist, and Arnav appeared beside her, his face scrunched with concern. 

"Are you okay, La?" He inquired. 

Lavanya felt pathetic. She was supposed to be the convivial host of the soirée; instead, she had conducted herself like a novice twenty-something who had just been introduced to alcohol. God, what he must be thinking of her?

"Too many drinks!" That was all she could manage to say without throwing up.

Lavanya's ever-understanding partner perceived her distress and promptly whisked her away, amiably acknowledging everyone they encountered along the way without pausing until they arrived at the washroom. With one hand, he held her hair back while using the other to soothe her back as Lavanya emptied the contents of her stomach into the sink. She couldn't recall the last time she indulged in alcohol so recklessly. The sight of her dishevelled hair and bloodshot eyes in the mirror, contrasted sharply with her suave and sophisticated husband , made her feel even worse. She muttered a heartfelt apology, and he gently reassured her, advising her not to fret. As she began to calm down, he led her to their room and tucked her into bed.

"Are you okay now?" 

Lavanya muttered a quick yes, but she sensed a need to elaborate. It was she who had asked for a grand party on their anniversary, yet here she was unable to endure even half of it.

"I did drink within my limits Arnav" she mumbled, her words still slurred. "…But I was on a diet for tonight. I hadn't eaten much all day and couldn't hold my drinks. I'm sorry!" 

"Seriously, Lavanya? Crash Dieting?" Arnav looked at her with disappointment. "You look perfect, la; how often must I tell you that?" 

Lavanya leaned into his right hand, which had shot up to cup her face tenderly. She smiled weakly and told him to return once the party ended. But would Arnav be the perfect husband that he was if he agreed to it? He told her he'd be back in five minutes because a few people were too important not to address in the party downstairs. Lavanya urged him to stay till the party was over, but he muttered a quick "no" and "I'll be back before you know it" and went out. 

As promised, Arnav returned in precisely five minutes. But even before that, he had dispatched Hari Prakash upstairs with a tray laden with food. Lavanya's preferred delicacies, obviously. His attentiveness was unparalleled. And it seemed he had also alerted Anjali di, who promptly arrived to check on her within minutes. Lavanya couldn't have asked for better in-laws, she thought. She was convinced that even Mamiji and Naniji would have rushed to her side had they been in Shantivan. But they were currently visiting Vrindavan, allowing the Raizada household to throw a more spirited celebration, complete with alcohol which was otherwise a strict no-no.

When Arnav came back, Anjali di was feeding Lavanya herself. Arnav inquired about his four-month-old niece, Adira, who had become the light of their lives. Anjali told him he missed a chance to kiss his niece good night, but he was welcome to go to her nursery and soothe her when she would eventually wake up screaming murder in the dead of night. Arnav had agreed immediately. Lavanya knew how much he loved to spend time with the little baby. Adira had her uncle wrapped around her tiny fingers, they would often laugh and Arnav never disagreed. 

As the brother-sister duo chatted away, Lavanya found herself drifting back into her thoughts. The question weighed heavy on her: What if Arnav inquired about her excessive drinking tonight? She fretted over how to account for her behaviour, for she herself had no answers for these actions. Would she ever be able to articulate to him the intricacies of her emotional turmoil, which she herself never fully understood?

"What did chottey gift you today, Lavanya?" Anjali asked sweetly. Lavanya smiled and pointed towards the red box still on the recliner. An excited Anjali walked up to it, and Lavanya saw that instead of opening the heavy box, she tried picking it up first, maybe to keep it on the bed.

It happened in a split second. Anjali di lost her balance as her faulty leg buckled and she fell. The box fell on her leg, and she let out a painful shriek. By the time Lavanya was still struggling to stand up, Arnav was already there, helping his di stand up with panic written all over his face. 

"Are you okay!! Are you hurt? Show me your leg!" Arnav's voice was frantic as he helped his sister to the bed. His eyes scanned her body for any sign of injury. His hands trembled as he checked her shoulder and head as if she had been in a severe accident rather than a simple fall.

“Hum theek hain chottey!” 

"Yeah, right!" He almost barked. And there it was. The infamous anger of Arnav Singh Raizada resurfaced in his voice, making Lavanya gulp. It was a tone she rarely heard these days, but when it emerged, it was enough to make anyone think twice before crossing his path.

"How many times do I need to tell you to be a little more mindful of your leg? Why can't you be at least half as worried about it as I am? " 

Anjali unsuccessfully attempted to reason with her infuriated younger brother, insisting she wasn't as careless as he portrayed her to be. However, Arnav's fury had escalated to a new level, as he checked her leg, only to find a prominent purple-black mark where the box had landed.

"And this?What the hell, di? Earlier, I had to throw out every step stool from this house so you could stop shoving things up on the highest shelves. What do I do now? What do you want me to do?"

Arnav continued to pace around the room, his jaw clenched and his face red with anger as he rummaged through the drawers for the first aid kit. Anjali watched him, feeling helpless and guilty for causing him so much distress. She tried to speak to and reason with him, but his yelling has been replaced by stony silence which only made her feel worse. Despite her attempts to explain what had happened, he refused to listen and continued to tend to her injury in silence.

"I'm dropping di off to her room La. I'll be back in a minute," Arnav said, leaving. 

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Lavanya sat there as Arnav left without seeing the dazed look on her face. It was as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over her head, washing away the alcohol-induced haze and allowing her to see the situation clearly. After fretting for over for two years, she knew what was wrong.

Everyone around Arnav had always told him to part ways with his anger as it did no good. Time and again, his family and friends would ask him to think multiple times before speaking or acting when angry. That someday, this anger would be his doom. 

Lavanya disagreed. Arnav's anger was a force to be reckoned with, and she saw it as an integral part of who he was. When he was angry, he was brutally honest, and his sharp tongue was a double-edged sword that could hurt as much as it could heal. Nevertheless, Lavanya had always admired his ability to speak his mind, even when it was unpopular or uncomfortable. She saw it as a sign of his strength, a reminder that he refused to be silenced or tamed.

Unlike others, she didn't believe he should suppress or let go of it. He had harboured this single emotion since he was a thirteen-year-old boy who had lost everything, and it had become a part of his identity.

To her, Arnav's anger was a raw and unfiltered expression of his emotions, the only time he was unapologetically authentic. It was the only time, the carefully constructed walls around his heart came crashing down. Angry Arnav was the only Arnav who was able to articulate his feelings without any filters. Who was able to articulate his feelings at all. 

So it was natural that even when he loved someone, the only time he was vocal about it was when he was angry.

A dead opposite of the carefully thought-out words before he spoke to Lavanya. 

Arnav Singh Raizada love from far away and did not believe the words were necessary to convey this emotion. Lavanya was aware that Arnav's caring nature was not something he usually flaunted or vocalised, but it was palpable in the way he would drop everything to be there for his sister or Akash. They never got to hear the words “I love you” from him but he was always there, somewhere in the background; always caring, always protecting, always loving and always silent . 

Unless there was a possibility that one of his family members could be hurt. Then, his anger seemed to ignite that care into an all-consuming flame, burning away all the other emotions. Then he would speak, shout , yell and burn the house down until he was sure they were okay. She had seen how his body trembled with fury as if his loved ones' carelessness was a personal offence to him. Yet, in those moments, she caught a glimpse of the kind of love he was capable of, buried beneath the layers of his anger. 

She sat there basking in the misery of her own realisation. The realisation that nothing she had ever done or said made him lash out the way he did just a couple of minutes ago. He was always calm, always understanding when it came to Lavanya. His world never came to a halt the way it did when Adira fell in her nursery and had a scratch. Like a madman he had baby proofed the entire Shantivan, even the servant’s quarters. He loved Adira so much he turned irrational when it came to her. Then why was he always sensible and rational with Lavanya? Her heart cried out.

She couldn't help but wonder if people would consider her insane for wanting her husband's anger instead of his usual considerate talks. But to her, Arnav's unadulterated, unfiltered emotions held more significance than his calculated words, which were often not entirely true. She longed for him to be honest with her, to brutally tell her that he was worn out after a hard day at work and couldn't accompany her to her favourite restaurant, instead of taking a quick ten minutes nap and then being ready to go wherever she wanted.

She didn’t doubt his love. Lavanya knew he cared for her and he has repeatedly proven it. But a moment ago, she had witnessed the difference in the intensity of that care and it bothered her to no end.

If Anjali di ever missed a medicine, he would first blow his fuse and then never trust her words again from the next day onwards. He would hover over her for months, making sure she didn't miss a single pill advised to her by the best doctors in the country.

Lavanya also vividly remembered the incident when Akash had been in a minor accident and was caught driving under the influence. Arnav's anger had surged to new heights as he unleashed a torrent of rage upon his younger brother. Lavanya couldn't help but think that Akash must have been less frightened during the actual accident than he was while being yelled at by Arnav. But the younger Raizada understood what he made Arnav go through in those three hours when he was unconscious in a hospital bed. It was a testament to Akash’s respect for his elder brother’s love that he never touched a drop of alcohol after that if he was driving later on. 

Lavanya walked up to the mirror and looked at herself. Had it been Anjali instead of her, who was dieting and gotten sick in the middle of the party, would his reaction be different? She could bet her toes and fingers that it would. While simultaneously caring for her, he would berate Anjali to the point that she would be terrified of the word 'diet' for the rest of her life. He would personally make sure that she was having a proper quantity of food while shooting daggers with his eyes. Lavanya received the same amount of care from her husband, but she somehow wasn't worthy of the angry rant that accompanied it.

Lavanya remembered the day she fell down the last couple of steps on the stairs. Arnav had come running to her. She could see genuine concern in his eyes as he scooped her in his arms and immediately called the doctor. There were no “Can’t you walk properly, La?” Or “Hariprakash make sure the runner on the stairs is replaced TODAY!” from his side. Back then Lavanya loved the sweet caring words of her husband. But today she was wondering. Why did her misery only induce this care? Why did her pain not make him go mad with rage as if he was ready to burn down the world? He surely was capable of that reaction wasn’t he?

She let a tear roll down her cheek as she closed her eyes. Finally, after years, she was able to pinpoint this weird feeling that had weighed her down so many times. Whatever walls Arnav had around himself only came down when he was enraged. And that was what Lavanya craved, that raw, unfiltered version of him that was both terrifying and alluring. She knew it wasn't healthy, but she couldn't help the way she felt. 

She had seen it with her own eyes. The intensity of his love and care that consumed him at times. When Arnav played with his niece, when he made sure that not a single papaya crossed the front door of Raizada mansion while his di was pregnant, when he didn't sleep for two nights in a row after Akash's accident. In such times, Lavanya could see something come alive in his honey-coloured eyes. Like he wasn’t thinking about this wretched world that he hated with a passion. Just living, and feeling.

Lavanya learned that the Raizada children had a close bond during their upbringing, but it was the harrowing experience that their family endured that truly cemented their inseparable bond. Maybe, it was the depth of anguish that they shared that ignited such a fervent passion within Arnav for his siblings. Maybe, Lavanya will always be a spectator to this profound intensity, as it remains solely reserved for his birth family.

But it wasn’t true was it? 

Lavanya could practically hear their arguments being echoed in Shantivan. 

There was another who ignited an intensity in him that was equal to the one he reserved for his family. Simply by being present in the same room, she could incite him to do the most irrational things. The people, the paperwork and the whole universe would lay forgotten when he interacted with her. His entire being would come alive, and he would clench his hands, struggling to contain the overwhelming rage he felt towards her. And then for once, he would let his emotions rule over logic. The million dollar deals awaiting his attention be damned as he indulged in most pointless yet intense arguments with her.

The way life stirred behind his eyes even though the emotions they displayed were anger. His tongue sharp as a knife as he spewed venom with his words while she gave it back with equal fervour, clutching her gotey wala dupatta in fear but never backing out. 

Her…

Khushi Kumari Gupta…

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I missed to mention it earlier, but I’m an absolute sucker for feedbacks. Good or bad, please do let me know what you thought. 

Also, this story was saved in my drafts since last seven years I think. Back when I used to write regularly. I recently visited india forums for some other Arshi story and remembered this one. Yayy for my younger self who uploaded everything to cloud. I was able to restore the first part. I have the drafts for the second part and hopefully I’ll finish it soon. Do let me know if it will be worth the effort :)

arpitaa92023-02-26 21:44:33