Chapter Nine A: Love… a ray of hope

The more accepting we become, the more acceptable we are to ourselves.

The greatest intent, the greatest motivator, and goal which we can possibly have in life is to live with love. To put love into everything we do and say. Nothing will create a richer more meaningful life. love is the ultimate power, healer and transformer.

The more you love yourself, the easier it will be to love others.

~~ Akiroq Brost ~~

November, 2014

Arnav prided himself in his uncanny ability to organize his life, devise a plan that fit his goals and tastes and stick to it. There was nothing that would deter him from his path once he set his eyes on his destination. It was as if he was forged in steel, his determination to have the best in life often drove him over the edge to achieve the same, applying his inhuman perfectness in every walk of his life. Yet, in the past one and a half years, he found himself staring at his reflection, wondering and questioning the motivation which altered his course, taking him on a journey he neither envisioned for himself nor expected to have in this life time.

Not that Arnav had anything against love. No. In fact, after witnessing just how happy and content a person in love would be – despite the differences in their love stories, both his mother and sister still floating in the romantic clouds with no signs of ever coming down – he had all the reasons to believe in forever’s. Also, he had had his own fair share of imaginations in his childhood, of dreaming a life with the one he loved. Somewhere while growing up, he channeled his imaginations towards productive use, but there was no denying he was a romantic by heart – not in a traditional I-love-you-lets-get-married way but still, he like to think he was one in his own way.

His family and friends would have laughed if they ever had a wisp of his thoughts. Arnav sighed, slumping back on the couch in his living room. It was a late Sunday afternoon and instead of spending it with Khushi like he had been doing for the past year and a half, he locked himself up in his flat – had been doing so for the past three weeks, immersing himself with work from home – unable to process the onrush of his thoughts and feelings that left a flushed and confused Arnav behind in its wake.

He knew what he wanted, he always did. And he knew how to have it. All he had to do was go to her and pop the question. He almost did several times in the past few months. Every time just when he was about to, they were interrupted by something or the other, as if the whole wide world was f**king with him by not giving him the privacy he needed when he asked the woman he was in love with to spend the rest of her life with him. Was it too much to ask?

So instead, after giving it more than three weeks thought, Arnav decided to treat his girlfriend, and himself, with a well-deserved break. He had already had about fifteen days off from work, meeting the last of the deadlines to clear his schedule for the break. He would simply ask her to pack her bag and they would catch first available flight without any prior planning or arrangements, like Khushi wanted to. By checking off her bucket list, which Arnav first found silly but now eager to do every single one on the list, he would ask her to be his wife at the right time.

Pleased with himself, he left a text informing her he would meet her for dinner tonight. He then lifted his gaze up to the small velvet box on the table. It had been weighing heavy in his suit jacket pocket every second ever since he made the purchase. He had been out with colleague-friends, strolling around the mall and teasing each other with their love lives when one of them pointed out at a jewelry store, deciding they all should surprise for their respective partners. One moment, Arnav laughed at his friend’s idiotic attempt at being a romantic and the next, his eyes fell on the ring and he was hooked, the image of his girlfriend – the one without whom he could barely live and have no difficulties in admitting the same – flashed in his mind. It might be an impulsive purchase, but the idea wasn’t. He was certain the idea had been forming a shape in his mind ever since he saw her in the café that sunny evening.

Now, all he had to do was make her his in every sense.

Not that he needed a ring to brand her as his.

But, it was one thing to be certain of what he wanted and it was an altogether another thing to have it. Arnav was aware of his imperfectness. He would be the first one to admit his flaws and the consequences of his hot headed refusal to bend his will. As much he knew his feelings for Khushi ran deeper than he had never had for anyone else, he wasn’t sure if those feelings would be enough for him to adjust and compromise accordingly if and when such situation arises. Wasn’t that the main reason for his failed relationship with Sheetal? Wasn’t it the only reason for not having any meaningful relationship with anyone he had met in the past?

And he would be damned if he had the same attitude and approach towards Khushi.

That was something that had been forcing him off, holding him back from asking her to be his in every sense.

It was in these thoughts that Arnav failed to hear the bell go off, only realizing it for the second time and shook his head. It was becoming increasingly painful, his dubious thoughts and his fear of screwing the one thing that was beautiful and meaningful in his life as he floated back and forth from approaching her and taking his time to think it through before doing so. And the worst part was, he knew it was a matter of time before he marry the woman he was in love with, yet, he was unable to shake off his insecurities.

Taking a deep breath, he made his way to the front door; his brows frowned at the unexpected guest. His family was on a trip while his sister’s family was visiting Shyam’s parents. He wondered if it was Khushi, finally coming down to demand for his avoidance but shook that thought. The woman was as stubborn as him, if not more, and she wouldn’t ask him if he wasn’t the one to initiate it – something that both impressed and infuriated Arnav in equal measures.

His frown soon deepened at the woman standing in front of him.

“Simran?” He asked more to himself, stunned by the appearance of the woman he had only met twice before.

A nervous smile made its way on her face as Simran bit her lower lip. “Hello,” she said, her voice a mere whisper that came out as question. Clearing her throat, she took a deep breath, her eyes avoiding his. “I’m sorry for showing up like this…”

Arnav watched the woman, the fleeting moment of distress forcing its way as he pushed the door wide open. “Please come in,” he said instead. Whatever it was that was bothering this woman, he could clearly see it was serious. And as much he tried to not involve in other peoples’ business, he was left with no choice but to let her in.

Once she settled in, Arnav excused himself to make coffee, making his way to the kitchen. His mind wandering back to the day he met Simran and smiled at the pleasant memories. If not for the woman, he wouldn’t have gone to that café. He wouldn’t have seen Khushi and her friends. And he wouldn’t have the start of something he couldn’t live without.

If he was dramatic and believed in destiny, he would have admitted that he owed Simran for being the reason he met Khushi that first time. Not that he wouldn’t have later on when he tagged along Anjali to her Architect, or run into Khushi during Aakash’s wedding. Yet, that moment, that first sight where they were two strangers who happened to glance at each other and felt an inexplicable pull…

Ten minutes later, Arnav joined his guest on a couch opposite hers, both sipping their coffees in silence weighed heavy with uncertainty. He wanted to know her reasons, know how she knew where he lived but waited. For someone who was known for his careless insensitivity, Arnav was learning to be patient and not jump into conclusions and run his mouth – a feet only Khushi succeeded in doing so.

It didn’t take her long to look at him. “I’m not sure where to start…”

“Why don’t you start at the beginning?” Arnav suggested and waited as she exhaled heavily.

He wondered if he would have been here, entertaining an unexpected guest with polite gentleness if it were to happen a few years ago. And it wasn’t a surprise to know that he wouldn’t. Yet, here he was, doing the things he thought he never could, and it was all because of one woman who held his heart in her hands.

“Do you remember, when we met, I said that I was working on my first project as a project manager?” Simran paused for a second before continuing when Arnav nodded. “Our team was sent to US to present it at our head office for about six months and there… I met someone.”

“Okay,” Arnav replied, not understand what she was trying to say. “That’s good?”

“You know that feeling when you meet someone for the first time but you feel like you’ve known them your whole life?” Simran asked with a faint smile. “The more you spend with them, the more you realize you can’t live without them?”

Arnav let out a deep chuckle. Wasn’t it exactly what he felt for Khushi? He simply nodded, smiling.

“I never knew I was missing something until I met James.” Simran continued, her voice low and full of love and warmth. “It didn’t take him long to ask me to move in with him. We have plans, we have the rest of our lives mapped out…”

Placing his mug on the table, his eyes briefly taking in the small velvet box, he looked up at the woman. “Your family has problem with your choice?” He asked, guessing it easily and sighed in frustration when she nodded.

“He’s a decade older and a single father.” Simran added, her acceptance of her boyfriend’s child overpowering her family’s disapproval. “You know how our system reacts to such… when I said that I want to marry James, my parents refused to even give a chance to get to know him and keep on setting me up with men they believed to be their potential son-in-law.”

While Arnav never really understood the desire to have one’s parents’ acceptance of someone in their child’s life, he knew life would be much easier if they approve of their partners. Not that his parents’ opinion matters enough to leave the woman he loved.

Also, he was sure his parents would love Khushi and want her to be their daughter-in-law. The couple’s affection towards the younger woman was palpable.

“I was so mad when they insist I move on. They even went ahead and chose an engagement date.” Simran chocked her words, “I tried everything and I didn’t know how else to convince them that I ended up with an excuse to buy myself some time.”

Arching a brow, Arnav stared at the helpless woman. “Where do I fit in this picture?” He asked plainly, not wanting to be proven right as a few theories rooted themselves in his mind.

Simran looked guilty as she finally lifted her gaze and met his. “I said that we ran into each other a couple weeks back and that we decided to give us a chance and see if we can work.”

If it wasn’t for her guilt, Arnav would have asked her to leave his flat. Instead, he leaned back, pressing the bridge of his nose. “And I’m the only one you remembered, why?”

“You were the only one I met before I met James.” Simran informed lowly. “And I saw how disinterested you were that day. I thought since you already…”

“I’ve a girlfriend, Simran.” Arnav snapped irately, unable to believe the woman. “I’m pretty serious about her.”

“Oh?” Simran lowered her gaze. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight… I shouldn’t have used you, Arnav. I’m sorry… I…”

“Wait,” Arnav said, not knowing why he stopped her from leaving. Taking a deep breath, he grabbed the velvet box, grazing it with his thumb. If it were his problem, he would do anything to make sure he was with Khushi. Maybe it was that, maybe he finally realized the power of love. Maybe it was because he knew Khushi would never back off from helping others in any way that she could. Or maybe, as dramatic as it was, he felt like he owed it to Simran to help her out for being the catalyst in his meeting Khushi in that café.

Whatever it was, he couldn’t believe he was doing.

“How long do you think it takes for your parents to come around?” He asked, ignoring the slight ray of hope filling her eyes.

“James will be coming in a month. I just need my parents off my back. We plan to get married with or without my parents’ consent but it will be great if I don’t go out on blind dates…”

“Okay,” Arnav sighed. “I can help you for a month.”

“You can?” Simran asked dubiously, eyeing the box in his hand. “You will? I don’t want to bother you or create problems in your love life. I will think of something else…”

“A month’s not a problem, Simran.” Arnav said softly. “I can manage. It doesn’t matter, really, if you can be with the one you love at the end of the day.”

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December, 2014

It never made any sense. All those extravagant gifts exchanging once a year and believing it to be the only way of displaying their love and affection, considering it the best way to celebrate love and relationships, it never made any sense. What good does a day do while not bothering about doing the same for the rest of the year? It wouldn’t justify the fact that a person had spent 364 days wondering and wandering and yearning to be loved, showered in their partner’s love. It wouldn’t erase the hurt and the betrayal one would have felt whenever met with a broken promise or forgotten anniversary.

To think one endless day of making up for losing a year and to hope it would be more than enough was utter foolishness, one that never made sense. away of spending lavishly, travelling distance in search of a specific number of roses ten times its usual worth and showcasing, competing with others, friends and strangers alike, for the award of the best partner of the year.

Only to return to their routine and not do a thing to make their partners feel loved.

It was infuriating, to see the colorful and exotic flowers, bright and cheerful laughs and shy smiles. Hormonal teenagers sneaking around to meet their girl/boy friends while men taking the day off to treat their women. As if it weren’t enough, there were surprises planned, parties and candle light dinners.

It made no sense until it made sense. Years of wondering about new year tradition seemed to suddenly make sense the moment she was picked up by her boyfriend last year, and every year before that ever since they started dating. Not that it was the only day he ever bothered to do something romantic. No, in the months they were together, every day was a new year, valentine day and every other celebratory day, his silly, romantic, old soul grabbing every opportunity to make her feel loved and respected and valued.

It took her some convincing, a giant peach teddy, a pack of imported chocolates and homemade meals that were nowhere perfect, to change her mind on the day.

Now, a year later, she was on the edge of confusion, not knowing if she was looking forward to celebrating their second New Year’s Day even more lavishly or to not hope or expect anything from the boyfriend who not only not giving her the time of the day but also posing as another woman’s boyfriend. She wanted to call him, demand for answers, let go of the man and his unusual urge to help every lover he met. She wanted to pay him a visit, hug him and tell him all the things she wished to but couldn’t.

Khushi Gupta had never been so uncertain in her life and it was killing her. To know the man she was supposed to be with, was entertaining a bunch of idiotic parents while portraying himself as a perfect boyfriend, it was a slow and torturous death.

The fact that her boyfriend was just helping out an old friend and that he hated being away from her, spending all his time texting her didn’t shimmer down the overwhelming senses of anger, hurt and betrayal.

Wasn’t he supposed to be with her, dining with their families, finally telling their parents about them and have their blessings?

Khushi looked around, taking in the soft pastel walls, the room airconditioned and bathed in half burnt vanilla scented candles just the way he liked, the dining table decorated with his favorite dishes, the silence of her loneliness punctured by ticking of the wall clock. It was already half past nine and there were no signs of him. Exhaling painfully, Khushi picked her mobile and checked his last text message.

Things are spiraling down too fast too sudden. It might take some time to help clean this mess. Don’t wait up, darling. Love you…

In the three hours after receiving that message, Khushi tried her best to not give up, to not let his genuine concern for a friend ruin their happiness. She thought of leaving, but decided against it. What good would it do if she craved into her insecurities instead of supporting him in his decisions? It wasn’t like he wasn’t any more in love with her. Oh, he was. Khushi could feel his love in his words, in his tender touch, in his actions. She could even feel his love for her in his attempt to help a woman in marrying her boyfriend.

What she didn’t like, was for the world to believe him to be someone else’s boyfriend!

Sighing, Khushi placed the mobile aside and leaned in, her head resting in the circle of her arms, eyes shut tight against threatening tears. When she met Arnav, it didn’t take her long to realize his inability to respect and understand others’ feelings. He would try and avoid being anywhere near such situations, but now, he was willingly participating for someone he hadn’t even considered important. What changed his mind?

Khushi bit her lower lip as she thought about it. The past few months witnessed his change of attitude and for good, always being available for his family and friends, and offering the best he could to help anyone who approached him. She thought it was natural, for him to do so for those who had a special place, but never expected for him to extend the same hospitality for anyone and everyone alike.

She wished she could talk to her siblings about it, share her insecurities, hoping they would assure her with an outsider’s perspective. Yet, it was not something she was comfortable doing. While Aarav, the only one from her family who knew about their relationship, openly refused to understand Arnav from the moment he agreed to help Simran, Payal would undoubtedly support Arnav in the matter. Her sister adored her brother-in-law.

Even if she could, what was she supposed to say anyways? That her boyfriend, with whom she wanted to spend her life with, was currently posing as another woman’s boyfriend, leaving her behind in the process to celebrate New Year’s Day, and every other day, alone?

When they started it, whatever it was at that time, all she wanted was to give the man she felt attracted to in the first sight a chance and see if she could have a meaningful relationship with him. She was cautious, yes, and she was secretive about it, but would anyone really blame her after knowing that Arnav was nothing but a playboy and never wanted to have anything related to love and serious commitment?

She didn’t want their futile attempt to be together – if at all they parted ways – to come between their families. It didn’t mean she would be okay with him with someone else.

Was it so wrong to be cautious? Was it so wrong to expect a life with the man she was hopelessly in love with? Was it wrong to be selfish?

A lone tear escaped the corner of her eyes as she bit her lower lip to muffle her sob. She felt terribly lost, her mind coming up with thoughts she wouldn’t want, tearing her apart, leaving her lifeless in a mess. Exhaling   sharply, Khushi pushed herself up, the wooden chair scrapping the floor. The food was cold and probably tasteless, and she would be damned if she spent the rest of her night sobbing her heart out.

Deciding that if he wanted her, he would do something about it before he lost her, Khushi made her way towards the living room, grabbing her bag and keys, determined to leave only to halt when the main door creaked open, the soft light cascading from the hallway, highlighting his cheekbones.

His hair wild and eyes dropping, Arnav looked like a dead man, a shadow of what he used to be. His usually immaculate appearance distorted with wrinkled shirt and worn-out jeans. There was a shadow lurking around him that twisted her heart. The bag from her hand fell onto the floor with a soft thud, eyes never leaving his as he locked the door behind, dropping his laptop bag by the door. In a swift motion, he was in front of her, his arms around her and lips capturing hers in a kiss.

“I wanted it to be perfect.” Arnav rasped between heated kisses, lips never leaving hers as he pushed her back, making their way in dim lit home, stumbling in darkness till they reached his bedroom. “I’ve been waiting for the right time, to do this right.” Word stumbled out, hands all over her body as they fell onto the bed in tangled limbs. “It took me so long to realize there is no such thing as the right time. How stupid can I be?”

Khushi didn’t know if she was laughing or crying. Sounds that eerily resembled to chuckles erupted in the otherwise silent room while tears splashed on her face, running across her cheeks. “Very,” she pointed out, “pretending to be hers? What the f**k were you thinking Arnav?”

“Clearly, I wasn’t.” Arnav admitted sheepishly. “But I don’t regret it, Khushi. I’m glad I’m able to help them. God knows I’d die at the very thought of not having you with me. I can only imagine what they are going through.”

When he put it like that, how could she be mad at him?

“I…” her voice muffled by his firm lips on hers in a sensual kiss, making her heart skip its beat.

“Marry me.”

Time stilled as Khushi stared, too stunned at the suddenness, at the seriousness as the air weighed down on her. She had dreamt about it, marrying him, being his for the rest of their lives, for the world to see, but never thought he would ask her. Not that she doubted his feelings for her – Arnav had always been upfront about what he wanted and made it clear that he wanted her. He had also made it very clear that he would turn his back to serious commitment. Wasn’t it what scared her in the first place, wanting to be cautious before they made their relationship known to both their families?

This was the moment she had been waiting for, though she would have dreamed of as a child in a more prominently romantic way where they would dine in a fancy restaurant before her man popped the question. Yet, in that moment, as they stared into each other’s eyes, their bodies sweaty, their minds swirled around in thousands of thoughts, their heads heavy with a whirlpool of emotions and a fleeting moment, the words danced between them to their own rhythm, it felt like the most natural and romantic way, a great way of a new beginning to an already extraordinary journey.

Those fancy dinners and expressive walks wouldn’t do any justice to what the moment meant except for the man struggling and overcoming his own flaws to have a life they both equally desired.

“Now would be the right time for you to say yes.” Arnav pointed out, a sliver of fear hidden in the depths as he let out a nervous chuckle.

“Not before I have my ring.” Khushi teased but watched in awe when he produced a band from his pocket in an instant, took her hand in his and slid the cold metal on her ring finger.

Laughter filled in the room as their hands caressed, clothes ripped off and their bodies, mind and soul falling into their own rhythm.

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