Chapter Eight: Fear and Love

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.

~~ John Lennon ~~

March, 2013

“I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Arnav rolled his eyes at the dramatic sigh his mother let out as soon as she saw him. He was used to it by now, the romantic soul never rested a second without bothering him with her explicit display of affection, and as reluctant he was about it, he felt enough courage coursing through his body to admit albite to himself, he missed his mother. 

Kiran Raizada surely knew all his buttons and never backed off from an opportunity to press them to her will. Like in that instant when she all but signaled for a group of women her age – whom he recognized as their distinct relatives – to present him to them with a pride smile only she was able to still manage, despite many occasions and even more arguments that followed by a highly pissed off Arnav at such typically mundane introductory meetings. Arnav had his doubts reserved on the situation that his mother did it just to piss him off so when he approached her with an apology for being an insensitive jerk, she would get him to agree for a weekend trip to their home, or take her out on a movie date or shopping.

It was becoming an unhealthy habit, turning up unexpected at family gatherings more often in the recent months than he had been his whole life. He tried to remember the last time he was this happy to be a part of the festive environment, even actively participate from planning an impromptu get-together and execute it to precise perfection. He loved helping Anjali and their mother as a kid, and somewhere along the lines of growing up into an asshole of an adult, he let go off the very things that excited him.

Now, on contrary to the difficult with which he had shut that part of the past, all it took was one casual, easy glance and a soft, expecting smile and he was a dead man. And the part that still didn’t make sense as he tried to understand if it was the best or the worse, he loved it more than he would otherwise usually allow himself, letting his emotions – someone else’s mere smile – beat his reluctant, rational approach.

As if on cue, he felt his gaze wandering around, a polite smile plastered on his face as he followed his mother to her little group of friends without his trademark scowl. He felt his mother’s astonishment as she eyed him with careful assessment at the lack of his bitterness, and as much he wanted to assure her that her son was the same old meanie, as she liked to call, he couldn’t find it in himself to do so. For once, he felt like agreeing with his mother, and he blamed a certain child-woman wonder for it.

If this was the mess he created for himself after being in a nameless relationship with a magical girl for a few months, he was scared to imagine the actual f**ked up mess he would turn into if he let go off his reservations and follow his heart.

Because, as he laid wide awake all these nights following Khushi’s not so subtle decision to take their relationship to next level, all he could think of was being with her, falling asleep to her steady heartbeat and waking up with her in his arms, for as long as he could have her.

And, he tried to ignore the fact that he wanted it to be forever the best he could.

Yet, here he was, yet again, willingly taking a day off from work so he could watch his cousins go crazy and high on love as they danced their asses off to romantic tunes.

His eyes easily found her just as the women shared their mutual excitement for having him around like old times. His own smile grew wide into laughter as Khushi played with his nephew, as if it was the most intriguing and exciting job to do in the world, as they tackled on with a lively laugh, taking each other down as they fell onto the grass bed.

For a second, he wondered how good of a mother she would be to her own children she’d eventually have in the future.

Just as abrupt that thought was, he didn’t like the very idea of her having kids with anyone else.

His balls fisted as he closed his eyes for a deep breath, and opened them to finally look at the group of women, but regretted as soon as he was met with a familiar pair who seemed to just force her way into the group, and if the frustrated sighs to go by, the women were as pleased to see her as him. And before he could excuse himself, all too aware of what’s about to happen, he was still too late to dodge the taunting words that hit him like a sharp twist of an already stuck knife in his heart.

“It is so good to finally see you move on, Arnav, though I wasn’t sure at first if that was the only reason to have you here today.”

Arnav didn’t bother to force a smile as he glared at the woman, trying to focus on his mother’s remark to cool himself from both the woman and the sudden onslaught of emotions rushed through him due to his ever growing affections and dependability on Khushi for his own sanity.

“What do you mean by that, Mrs. Patel?”

The woman – whom he had disliked from the first time he had met her when he was about seven – shrugged with a crooked grin. “Oh, nothing, Kiran, just that the only day we see Arnav willingly coming to a Satsang is also the day his ex-fiancé managed to be here. I’m curious whether it is a coincidence, or…”

Bile rose in his throat at that scratchy mocking voice, and he wasn’t sure what he would have done if it weren’t for his mother’s tight grip on his wrist. It wasn’t an unknown fact that he would have to eventually meet Sheetal Kapoor – after all, they did have common family friends and belongs to same community. He never actively avoided meeting her, though. They had been friends long before their families decided to get them married, and while he couldn’t blame her for not sharing his sentiments on marriage and families and responsibilities, he wasn’t one to play a blame game and say she was at the wrong. No, he was aware of his own imperfections and while he couldn’t say it didn’t stung to be left alone at the altar, he was past that emotional bullshit.

“I’m sure…” he began, wanting to put her in her place in such a way she would never dare come near him or his mother even for a polite greeting such gatherings expected from them, he was cut off, rather rudely, by the voice that had constantly been in his ears, his mind, and deep in his heart.

“I’m sure curiosity is what killed the cat, aunty ji.”

He felt her warmth cooling him off before he heard taking the last steps to reach him, standing beside him, her arm brushing his. He tilted his head slightly, and gulped sharply at the sight she presented. With a good foot shorter than him, Khushi stood straight, tall and confident, as she looked down at the screechy woman, eyes lost all its amusement and childlike excitement as it filled with what he could identify as raw rage, something he was sure mirrored in his own.

“Excuse me?” Mrs. Patel hissed in genuine confusion, anger and hurt. “I want Arnav to be happy too, like any other…”

“No, you don’t.” Khushi cut her off with a flick of her wrist. “People who care and want others to be happy don’t poke their gossip filled nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“How dare you?” Mrs. Patel screamed, gathering a handful of audience, Arnav easily spotted most of his and Khushi’s family staring at the unfolding scene with concern. “Who the hell are you and what do you…”

“I’m someone who isn’t going to stand back and let others walk all over the person I care about.” Khushi introduced herself, her hand easing itself into his, fingers locking as she squeezed his in assurance. “I don’t mind my hands getting dirty if that meant cleaning shit off Arnav. So you better fold that curiosity of yours and back off from ever trying to peer into his life.”

A laugh erupted from the back of his throat without his conscious attempt but it felt good, to have the woman in his heart and mind standing up for him, delivering adorable threats to the woman twice her age and size, in a setting where talking back to elders was considered as the con of improper upbringing. Worried for a second if this act of hers would get her into trouble, he scanned around till they met her parents. Shashi Gupta stood as tall as his daughter, a pride smile softening his features, while Garima all but snickered at Mrs. Patel. As he shook his head at the crazy parents of an equally crazy daughter, he was met with another set of familiar, curious pair.

His grip on her hand tightened as he squared his gaze on his ex-fiancé, a brief nod of acknowledgment which was returned with equal reluctance. He then looked back at the bombshell that he loved to call as his girlfriend to find Khushi scrunching her nose up at an infuriated Mrs. Patel.

“Who are you, exactly? Arnav’s latest flavor of the week?”

Kiran gasped at the unwarranted insult, and so were her friends and their families. Arnav felt himself trembling with barely controlled anger but he was pulled back by a soft, gentle touch, forcing him to look back at her.

Except for a soft smile, there were no traces of hurt marring Khushi as she stepped forward, placing herself in front of him. “Months, actually. But again, you’re not going to understand what flavor it is that made it so much easier to stand up to you. There are different flavors, I’m sure you’re aware of that common fact. There’s spicy and hot that can be a great one night stand, which I’m sure your son isn’t innocent to if I need to go by all the times he flirted his way into women’s pants in these Satsangs, some successful and some disastrous attempts might I add. And then there’s warm and fuzzy, homemade healthy ones that often end up being an important relationship in one’s life, not necessarily being non-platonic. Then there are toxic spices that are really injurious to health, like one you seem to literally harvest everywhere you go.”

Arnav burst out laughing, despite his urge to jump up and take the elder woman down, he couldn’t for the love of his life, find the said woman after that politely soft blow his crazy woman delivered in her ever so musical voice. He didn’t have to look around to guess their audiences’ reaction. Some might hang their mouths wide open, some might try to hold onto their own laughter while others, mostly stupidly wired elders, share a look of bewilderment but out of all, he could clearly hear a seething kitten right next to him.

Tugging her arm that was still encased in his own, he snaked his other around her frame, pressing his lips on her forehead for what seemed like eternity, ignoring the curious looks of both their families. “That was…”

“… to harsh?” Khushi supplied with a sheepish grin that only made him laugh more till tears spilled at the corner of his eyes.

“Spectacular…” he informed, smirking as he finally looked at his mother who was watching them with keen interest. “Now, now,” he said, too aware of the clangs in his mother’s mind that was setting up dates for their wedding. “Don’t overwork yourself, Mom. We’re just…”

He meant to say that they were just still testing the waters, because he wanted to be absolutely certain he could give her everything she deserved, and that it might take time for him to commit himself, which, not surprisingly, he could see himself doing in near future if it meant with Khushi. But he halted, as if he was hit by sudden wave, crashing down and drowning in water when Khushi helped him finish off whatever he started, taking it to an entirely opposite direction than to what he meant.

“… good friends.” Khushi chuckled, shaking her head. “They are hard to find and I’m glad I’ve one in Arnav, aunty.” 

It shouldn’t, but it hurt more than he thought it would. He stared at her, long and hard, and nodded with a resigned sigh. “Yeah, friends.” He repeated to his mother with a forced smile. “I’ll see you around Mom.”

Without waiting for a response, he turned around, dragging Khushi along with his grip firm on her elbow as he made a beeline to his car. He’d had his dose of casual flings in the past, nothing that resembled what he felt for or shared with Khushi. And it was high time she better get used to him, trust him to catch her when they did fall, and fall they would, he was certain.

Once they were in the privacy of his car, he revved the engine, the destination not important as the journey itself, his voice dangerously low as he hissed.

“We are just good friends?”

If he were acting like an insensitive jerk that he was, he didn’t care as much he did with that offhanded comment. It was downright insulting, more than Mrs. Patel’s snide remarks. And that wasn’t something he was going to be ok with, even if it came from the very woman who had his heart in her tiny palms.

“You know what I mean.” Khushi stated just as plainly, “don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Big deal?” Arnav hissed, cussing under his breath as he glanced at her. All humor of her fighting her way with the elder woman gone, and was instantly replaced with inexplicable rage. How was it not a big deal when all he wanted was to spend the rest of his life with the woman for whom he had been wearing his heart on his sleeve, while all she did was crumble his heart by carelessly friend-zoning him?

“Yes,” Khushi said nonchalantly as she watched him. “Will you just park already before you get us both killed?”

“I’d rather,” he muttered but slowed the vehicle down and killing the engine, he turned to face her. “I don’t know what you mean, Khushi?” He said, agitation clear in his voice. “Friends don’t kiss and make out. Friends don’t sext and want to be physical with each other. Friends don’t dream of a life together. We are not bloody f**king friends and you damn well know it.”

Khushi stared back, as relaxed about it all as he was freaking out. “Then what are we, Arnav?”

“Definitely more than that,” He snapped back, banging a fist on the steering wheel.

“Definitely more than that, yes.” Khushi repeated with a hiss, chuckling bitterly. “But what are we because there has to be something to label it.”

Groaning, Arnav shut his eyes, taking quick deep breaths, willing himself to calm down. “Why do we need to label and let it ruin what we have?”

“Having a name to describe what we share not necessarily meant ruining it.” Khushi retorted, all traces of relaxation gone and was just as pissed off. “We screw up with our own inability to stand by the choices we make, and not being honest with oneself and each other. Don’t blame something else for your faults.”

“Why can’t two adults just be together without labelling it when they can’t f**king live without each other?” Arnav demanded, his eyes ablaze with fire as he pulled her by her elbow.

Khushi tried to free herself from his grip but spat angrily, “If so then what is so wrong with just being friends when they don’t know what the f**k they are doing or want from each other?”

Images of another woman and their confrontation in the privacy of her apartment flooded his mind, leaving him restless as he raked a hand through his hair. This was exactly what went wrong with Sheetal Kapoor, albite different reasons – This confrontation, this need to have everything categorized and prioritize one another. His idea of a relationship was nowhere close to hers, and now, as he stared at the woman who finally managed to have him on his knees, he was having a repeat.

The only difference being, back then he didn’t want to change anything in his life so it would accommodate and be to Sheetal’s liking. And now, he was willing to change every damn thing he held dear if that was what it costs him to ensure Khushi’s presence in his life.

Maybe this was the moment he feared for the most. This was when Khushi would finally realize what a fool she had been to invest her time on him and back off and for her own good. If that was what she wanted, he wouldn’t be able to do anything but to comply her. Maybe she would even realize the love she was being offered by other men and gladly accept the one she thought she deserved.

It shook him to his core. He wouldn’t be able to see her with anyone else. He was not ashamed to admit that he was a selfish b****rd.

“I don’t want to be just friends.” He voiced, loud enough for her to hear, and sighed. “I want to be everything, Khushi.”

A faint smile made its way when he felt her hand slipping into his, fingers lacing through his. “I’ve wanted to be everything ever since I first saw you at that café but I can’t be that if you are too scared to admit what we are Arnav, because you and me both know we are something else.”

His head shot up, brows frowned in confusion. “Café?” His voice cracked but he didn’t care. He was not about to build up walls around him anymore. “We met at your office with Anjali?”

Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine this. He stared, wide eyed, remembering the day he had set his eyes on her and yet, he couldn’t help but smile when Khushi chuckled nervously as she leaned forward in his arms, hiding herself in his chest.

“This is crazy and cliché and…”

“Khushi,” he called out, nuzzling the tip of his nose on her temple, one arm securing her against him, and the other rubbing the small of her back. “Nothing we have can’t not be considered as crazy.”

Khushi hummed, nodding her head. “That day at the café… I saw you. My friends and I were supposed to meet Aarav at the bus bay but when we were about to cross the road, I happened to see you through the glass wall. I couldn’t help but drag them all for a quick snack.”

Arnav tilted his head, lifting hers up by her chin as he stared speechless. All this while, he was sure that it was what marked their journey, that the moment he saw her, he was hooked. But to know it was mutual from the very start… it resulted a funny feeling in his heart, that he was scared it wouldn’t hold up all the happiness and burst open before he could be certain enough to crouch on his knee and pop the question.

“In that elevator?” He asked, thoroughly amused with curiosity. “You hardly glanced at me.”

“It took all my will power to not back you up against that elevator wall and kiss you senseless.”

Only if he could be the man worthy of her affections, he thought with a defeated sigh. “Yet, you insist we pretend to be friends.”

“For us not to get carried away, yes.” Khushi whispered, pulling herself off his arms and settling back on the seat. “We have enough complications without anyone’s help, Arnav… our own fears and conflicts to overcome and accept our feelings. It’s a long way down before we have our happy-ever-after. While I don’t want any awkwardness in the families if things failed to work out between us as we hoped for, I certainly do not want to thrust our relationship under spotlight where both our families try to see every minute thing we do and read way too much in between the lines. I just want us to be absolutely certain before approaching them.”

His heart swelled with an affection so akin to love, that he wanted nothing more than to pull her back into his arms and whisper the three words that had been dancing on the tip of his tongue. Yet, all he did was peck her on the nose and ignited the engine.

“Let’s get us home before we end up making out in a car parked on a heavy traffic road in the middle of the day.” He joked, because that was what he did best, joke around when things turned pretty serious. And this… this was life altering moment. While he was absolutely certain that this was what he wanted, he couldn’t bring himself to say the same about whether he was ready to take that leap of faith.

__________

April, 2015

Khushi was certain to say her life was pretty much gone back to normal. There were no more ‘episodes’, as she liked to call, about her past. It was something she was bringing herself to comfortably wrap at the back of her mind and intended to keep it that way. Accepting the things she couldn’t change had so far proved to be logical and productive step towards an ordinary life where she was just Khushi Gupta – a cheerful, aspiring Architect.

It was nothing more than a storm, Khushi decided that night months ago when she dined with Arnav. A storm that wrecked her life for the briefest years but now that it subdued, she needed to clean the mess and go about her life like one would. That night, she had been able to accept the fact that she was never going to have her memory back, and the peace that acceptance offered, along with the constant support of her family, siblings and friends, helped her find her way back. At least, took her on a right path.

The past two months had been more than Khushi could ask for. Aman offered her a place at his office which Khushi snatched greedily. She needed some kind of semblance and the offer promised just that, if not more. He had asked her to come back almost immediately, taking up her position as Senior Architect. When she was told about her promotion that happened somewhere in the last three years, Khushi realized the depths of her life’s transformation and its affects, though not for the first time. As much she wanted to jump right into her old shoes, she knew she was no more the same woman and that she needed to make a few adjustments if she wanted to avoid any discomfort. So when she pointed it out that it would do her good to start from the scratch, Aman simply shrugged, told her to deal with their clientele and their meetings, have preliminary designs accordingly and send them over to designing department for further developments.

So far, she was enjoying the slow phase as she struggled to find herself, the path not so unfamiliar like she feared it would, and she had two decades of desire of being an Architect to thank for.

Her working environment was both refreshing and entertaining. There was Lavanya, apparently her partner from the beginning, was a fun spirited woman who found almost everything funny, her laugh contagious at its best. She and Khushi spent most of their time together, with Lavanya helping her out with their previous clients and projects, filling her in on any and every important detail to move forward with less difficulty. Khushi often felt like working at a new office, despite of her shared roots with Lavanya. That alone could be the reason for Khushi to have an easy go in rebuilding her career.

And then there was NK. At first, she thought NK was one of the Architects she had worked with, and was pleasantly surprised when she came to know of him being the Managing Director at Accounting and Finance Department, also an artist, his specialty being oil painting. NK would usually join her and Lavanya for lunch on working days whenever he could. The others were friendly enough but Khushi tried to keep herself with her two friends as much as possible, not wanting to risk a slip up that would give the others an idea of her condition post-accident. Not that she felt like she had something to hide, but she didn’t want any more people than already were who could easily influence her with her forgotten memories.

Aman Mathur was another interesting person she liked to hang out. He vibrated a wave of mystery and danger in his working attire, a tailored suit that hugged his torso in a sensual way, but once he was off, he was a different man; it didn’t take long for her to realize why NK and Lavanya were surprised when she asked them about her and Aman’s friendship. The man liked to draw up a wall, strictly separating his professional and private lives.

At home, things were different too.

Payal still struggled between her two homes, being there for her younger sister as often as she possibly could. Aakash being away on a business trip helped, along with immense support her in-laws offered. It surprised Khushi when she met the family – a large family of five brothers who stayed together with their wives and younger children, while the elder ones shifted back and forth from their parents’ home and their individual apartment flats. If Khushi believed she wouldn’t be able to meet cooler and lovely people than her parents, the Raizadas’ proved her wrong. All in all, she couldn’t wish for anything else for her sister.

Aarav, much to her relief, had been less of a jerk towards Arnav. She had thought her brother would go ballistic when Arnav dropped her that night after their truce and decided to be friends, but instead Aarav glanced at them nonchalantly and okayed for Arnav to come in if he wished to stay for a coffee. There still was tension between the men yet, both seemed to be trying their best not to let it ruin whatever peace they found. The reason for her brother’s sudden change in attitude was still unknown – yet, Khushi wasn’t as bothered by the reason, as long as they stayed civil with each other.

Her parents were overwhelmed by the fact their youngest was perfectly fine and out of any danger.

This was what Khushi would call normalcy.

“Khushi!”

The familiar voice boomed from the intercom made her roll her eyes, a low laugh finding its way out of her lips at the frustrated groan of her friend from beside her. Tilting her head, Khushi raised a brow playfully when Lavanya all but slapped her fists on the desk.

“Mr. Mathur!” Lavanya greeted with forced politeness – something Khushi was used to in the past two months. It didn’t take her long to realize that her cheerful friend’s mood only darkened when Aman was in the picture, while Aman completely ignored her.

“Khushi,” Aman repeated his greeting, almost as in rebellion, “I’ve a dear friend on his way to meet you in two. I hope you’re up for another meeting?”

“Not like you give us poor mortals a choice!” Lavanya hissed loud enough for their employer to hear that only gained a healthy laugh from her.

Khushi nodded, and cleared her throat at her own stupidity. “Of course.”

“Great! Now, I need Amante’s project details, Lavanya. Make them three copies and meet me by the front door.”

“I don’t remember signing up for the position of your secretary, Mr. Mathur.” Lavanya pointed out innocently, though Khushi could imagine smoke coming out of her ears with suppressed anger.

“I don’t remember ever seeing you wearing your blouse two sizes too tight and a short skirt that shows your ass off for every prying eyes, Mr. Khashyap.” Aman stated as a matter of fact. “Why would I ever want you as my secretary?”

“Oh, so you are the type that would want to bend a woman over your desk.” Lavanya snapped back, each word hissed and filled with anger.

“Have I ever made an attempt to bend you over my desk?”

This time, it was Khushi’s turn to groan. She glanced at her friend and sure enough, Lavanya was seething. “Your sexual innuendos are too much for my poor, innocent soul. Why don’t you both take this somewhere else?”

“Sure,” Aman replied nonchalantly, “coming from someone who likes to have an adventurous sex life, I’ll surely follow your advice Khushi.”

If there was a thing Khushi had been actively avoiding thinking, it was this. To have no idea about your possible boyfriend slash fiancé was something one could probably live with. But to have no idea about whether your relationship with a man was physical, it pretty much leaves any woman weak with embarrassed nervousness.

While she couldn’t go around ask the man with whom she decided to be friends, and doing a great job in being one, Khushi never looked forward for the inevitable, stalling as much she could, restraining herself from going there.

Now that Aman brought it up, it would be highly impossible not to think about it. She could feel her face flushed even as she tried to come up with an acceptable excuse. “You don’t hit me with something I don’t remember, Aman.”

His amused laughter echoed in the deadly silent cabin, followed by the beep that indicated the end of the call, just as the door was pushed open.

Taking a deep breath, Khushi plastered a smile, something she found it easy to do so as each passing day, only to have her eyes wide in surprise at the client.

“Arnav?” She nearly screamed. “What are you doing here?”

Great! Just what she needed in that moment!

While her family and friends had been what she expected them to be – their warm love, support and endless understanding, filling her in with details she requested for time to time to know basic details of people she used to know and not saying a word more than what she felt comfortable hearing – Arnav was an altogether different character. She had been stunned speechless when he called her at half past Twelve at night the very day she called him to meet at the restaurant, reluctant to press the green icon. A minute of consideration was all it took for her to abandon her rational approach as she spent most of the night just sitting on her window sill and talking to a familiar stranger about every mundane thing – from their respective day’s ups and downs to his project details to silly ongoing events like an art exhibition at the end of the month at a local museum and the movies about to hit theaters the following week, including a low budgeted local dhaba that Arnav wanted to visit.

From that day onwards, Khushi and Arnav fell into a pattern of him calling her around ten every night, right after both of them retreated to their rooms for the day, spending hours just talking about random stuff. It helped her know the man for who he was, and not for their forgotten relationship. Whether he was her boyfriend or fiancé or someone unhealthy to be with, she didn’t care. The more she came to know about Arnav Singh Raizada, the more comfortable and confident she was around him.

The thing she was impressed, was the way none of their time spent together in the past two months had even been anywhere close to their shared past. It was as if they never had anything between them, and that her brother, Aman, Lavanya and NK – the only people aware of the identity of the man in her life, as far Khushi knew – misunderstood their friendship, just like her parents were now with their cooing smiles and winks whenever she slipped up the reason for her sleeping in later than her usual, while Payal all but assured her if she did want to pursue a relationship now with Arnav, she should without holding back because of her past and the mysterious man.

If your fiancé didn’t bother visiting you after your near death experience, Payal stated hotly a few weeks after Khushi returned home, its best you give a rat’s ass about that idiotic jerk!

Khushi almost blurted out that the idiotic jerk was none other than her husband’s cousin and that apparently it was her idea to keep their affair as a secret but restrained herself from doing so.

But as much she enjoyed her new friend’s company – which was more than she should – meeting him right after wondering about her sex life with the very same man was not ideal or safe.

Arnav raised a brow with a crooked grin, his head tilted sharply to his right as he leaned against the doorframe, his hands thrust in his jeans pockets. He possessed an ease that screamed casualness, his frame indicating his lack of interest on the people around him. Eyes dark and twinkling as they stared into hers, face shadowed with a week’s old stubble, he was as ruggedly handsome as he was sinfully adorable.

“I’m meeting my Design Coordinator, I believe.” Arnav pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing everyone should be aware of. “Lavanya is supposed to be on her way to meet her boyfr… err… boss.”

If Khushi had her own doubts whether Aman and Lavanya had a thing going on, it was just that, her doubts. But to hear him teasing her friend… Khushi was uncertain whether to join him or chide him for making such a poor attempt.

“If this is your another poor excuse of an attempt to lure Khushi into your love trap,” Lavanya warned, her voice an octave deeper, “I swear to god, Arnav! Give the poor girl some time to…”

“I’m sure Khushi can…”

“I’m sure I can take care of myself, thank you very much.” Khushi snapped, irritated by the way they were treating her, like she was a fragile little girl who needed constant supervision, cutting Arnav off, her eyes fixed on Lavanya. “But who cares Arnav is luring me into his love trap? Maybe I liked being in his trap before? Maybe I’ll like it the same now?”

It was not like Lavanya had anything negative to say about the man, Khushi thought weakly. All she had heard from Lavanya about Arnav were praises. Yes, there were times when her friend was cautious and warned her from not rushing things like she did back then, but even Khushi could say by the way they behaved with each other that Lavanya and Arnav were good friends who cared about each other.

A brief pause later, Khushi heard Lavanya chuckling, her glance shifting back and forth on her and the man. “Here’s the feisty woman I know.”

“Somethings never change!”

Khushi looked back at Arnav, unable to depict the meaning behind his statement as they stared. She vaguely saw Lavanya leaving the cabin, stopping in front of Arnav for a minute where both whisper conversed before leaving to carry about the work she was assigned.

Taking a deep breath, Khushi shook her head, settled back on her leather executive’s chair and leaned back. “Payal said that I used to defend you a lot.” She informed, suddenly too tired as she watched Arnav walking towards her in slow steps, their eyes never leaving the other. “Is this how I…?” she trailed off, not knowing how to word her doubts.

Settling into one of the seats on the other side of the desk, Arnav leaned forward, taking her hand in his as he squeezed in an attempt to assure her, which she very much appreciated. “What we used to have has been over shading everything you have now, Khushi. I’m sorry I can’t change that. And I’m sorry I can’t stop anyone’s concerns. We did rush into things and I can’t blame them for not wanting us to have a repeat of how we had what we had. It’s totally understandable their concerns could sometimes cross a line or two and you’re left with frustration where you will feel the need to defend yourself.”

As much his explanation made sense, Khushi couldn’t ignore the fact. “I’m not defending myself here.” She pointed out, her other hand joining their intricate hands and resting on his. “I’m defending you… and your love… like… I don’t know… I feel like I’ve been defending your love for so long, it felt… normal. Natural, even.”

A strange emotion flickered in his eyes that he blinked away before Khushi could understand it. His voice as friendly as ever, she would have believed his words if she didn’t see the tension that lurked in the shadows of his eyes, the slightest tickle in his clenched jaw.

“We’re friends now, and friends do react the same way, Khushi. Don’t let the past or other people’s opinions influence your feelings.”

Khushi nodded, not having anything else to say, not even understanding herself why his assurance of them being friends had a bitter taste to it.

__________