<<<<last part>>>>
S –I can't.
K looked up at him in confusion.. Something was wrong she couldn't put her finger on it. His closed eyes and frowning brows showed anguish deeper than any physical injury could inflict.
K (Slightly shaky tone…. She wanted to help him right now. if he refused, she wud never be able to have any self confidence again) –U c.. can't what?
CHAPTER 20
Part III
His agonizing obscurity
S –See.
Sujal opened his unfocused eyes for Kashish to stare at.
Kashish stared at Sujal, and kept staring. For a moment she could deny what her ears may have heard. But she couldn't deny what her eyes were witnessing…. His face looked perfect. Perfect right from the tip of his disheveled hair to the strong defiant, arrogant jaw line darkened with a light stubble. Perfect. Except for the time when he wud open his eyes…. When his deep black eyes would refuse to rest on her face, when his charismatic eyes looked…… Dead.
K's heart stopped for a moment and she fell back… slowly stepping away from him. NO!! No! It's not possible it can't happen to him. I don't believe any of this. No.
K backed away as if her going away would change the situation, it wud change the reality which she had just experienced.
"Kashish!!!!! U r back!!!!"
Nick bounded down the stairs shouting at top of his voice.
N –Dad!!! Kashish is back!!!!
Nick stopped at mid way something was wrong. It seemed as if she hadn't even heard him. K was staring at something in front of her with horror. And she looked petrified, as if death has just struck her.. What's she looking at? What was the noise I heard?..... As nick finally came to the landing and saw sujal standing in the mess of flowers, panic struck him …. She found out!!
Nick rushed over to K and stood b/w her and sujal as if it wud help the situation in some manner…
N –ummm… When did u come? Weren't u supposed to come this evening? U must be tiered!!! Such a long journey! Let me carry ur stuff o ur room.. C'MON!!
Nick tried to get K away and explain everything but she didn't budge… All she could still do was stand and stare at sujal not even registering nick's presence…
S –Morning nick..
With those words Sujal silently started moving towards his room, it was best this way. He needed time alone to think, to relax, and to get back his bearings… and Nick sort of dragged k to her room.
********
K's room>>>>>
K sat the window sill, looking out…. She can't let her dad see the turmoil on her face right now…
K –So.. It all happened that night?
A –Yes… It was terrible. We all got to know about it only the next day… and by then u were…. I tried to reach u and let u know-
K – I know about that part dad. I am sorry. I was so mad. I acted very stupidly….. So… now.. he's..?
A –Doing fine… In the sense that he keeps himself locked up in his room… He doesn't come out.. We tried talking.. His doc. says that he just needs time. He is apparently adjusting to his… and he might feel ashamed at not being able to…. U understand what I mean beta?
K –Yes I do… But it's been a month.. And dad not saying that he is blind won't change the truth. U all have to stop avoiding saying it and stop talking in half sentences around him.. It's all even more frustrating for him this way!
A –I.. That's why we all wanted u to come back early. We knew u wud know what to do..
K turned and looked at her father with sad eyes. Ashok Sinha looked tired at 9'0 clock in the morning. It was as if he was living that time again when his wife had died. He looked miserable, broken and years older….
K went and gave ashok a small hug. Even though she felt as if some1 had squeezed her heart and pumped all the happiness out of her life, she was strangely unable to cry. How cud she? If she broke down, who wud give courage and guidance to the rest of her family? They were all depending on her, and her strength wud decide Sujal's fate…
********
N –I cleaned up the cut. It wasn't deep. Umm.. U ought to be more careful man… I mean-
S –I know what u mean. Thank you for the help. I'll make sure I don't destroy any more stuff around the house..
N –Hey!! It's not the stupid stuff I am talking about. U might have fallen down the stair or something.. Oh! I don't know!! Why hell don't u just use a stick? It wud be so much easier for everyone- I am sorry I didn't mean that. What I meant was that-
S – Get out. Please leave me alone. This way… it will be easier for everyone.
N –No! Please! Look man I didn't mean it that way u have to-
S –Leave.
N –But, wont u even consider using a stic-
S –Leave now. Please... It's a blind man's request.
Nick got up hurt and angry. He didn't know what more to say. This is how anyone's conversation with Sujal always ended these days. No matter who came to say what.. In the end that person was always asked to leave, politely. There is no way I can argue with him!!! He may be blind and retired now, but he is still the best goddamn lawyer in the city!!!
Sujal closed and locked his door from inside after Nick left, and plopped down on his bed. His room was his sanctuary now. This was where he wished to remain for the rest of his life. The place where he didn't want anyone to come and disturb the tranquil air, pollute it smell… Gosh I'm thinking like a psycho now!!!!
Sujal closed his eyes to block out…..Block out what?! There is nothing to block, there is only one thing I see. One thing –constant darkness; Tangible, Black, Engulfing darkness…
It doesn't make a damn difference whether they are closed or open. It's all the same… Only time it changes is when I sleep, when I dream and then too…I see the same thing again and again, over and over in my dream. God!!!!! If only I cud reverse this. Reverse the colors in my dreams to my black reality and my black reality to peaceful dreamless sleep!!
Sujal tried to relax but encountering Kashish and not being able to see her was all too overwhelming… Now he was too wound up to even think straight… Unwanted, his thoughts kept returning to the night it all happened…
He had been talking to his secretary on his mob. Asking her for advice:
Cud u please arrange some flowe- No! No… Umm what sort of flowers do girls generally like?............All girls like different flowers............... Huh?.............What I mean to say is, give her favorite flowers.............. Her fav.? I don't know…………Well sir u really do ought to know that much about kas-…I think some white flowers as peace wud do the trick..………… Ok, thanks!!.. Um.. By the way, do u think I should apologize to some1 on a .. sort of forced date…………There is never a wrong time to do the right thing and as long as ur feelings are sincere I am sure she will totally understand.. After all she is logical person and she must like u a little too……..…..Really? Yah, guess ur right. Thanks once again, ur the best! Bye
Sujal stopped the car at the first flower shop and spent a good 35 mins just fussing over the type of flowers and the arrangement of the bouquet.. Of course he was actually just buying himself some time...Continuously making up an apology speeches in his mind…
What should I say to her… From where do I begin? I have left no insult, no word of degradation unsaid to her. What do I say to her now???
My thoughts of you are like raindrops on flowers...
Beautiful.
My thoughts of you are like a rainbow at a splashing waterfall...
Beautiful.
My thoughts of you are like a full moon
shining through a cloudy night sky...
Beautiful.
No matter what wonders my eyes have seen,
Nothing compares to the beauty I see
when I look at you.
My love for you is beautiful
Sujal remembered reading these lines on a card in the same shop…. He had memorized it, standing there… Memorized It.. So that he cud recite it to her… Memorized it coz the poem was able to put into words only a little part of how he was feeling… so that he cud begin apologizing by saying these lines first….
In a happy, hopeful mood he went back to his car and swung it into gear…. It was already 7:10 already. He dared not be late… It wud royally piss her off if he showed up late and then begin to apologize with a poem. She wud conclude I have gone nuts.. I have to drive faster..
He looked to his right at the passenger seat where a bouquet of white flowers sat.. Waiting to be delivered..Sujal wondered what color dress wud Kashish be wearing, both of them always somehow ended up well coordinated.. Wud the bouquet go with her dress?... He saw the image of her in her red dress in his mind when they gone out the first time… she had truly taken his breath away
And that is the last thing he remembered seeing. A truck had come out of nowhere and hit his car at the driver's side.. Ramming straight against his body…
He was lucky to be even alive today… Or was he really?
He was blind. B.L.I.N.D.- incapable of seeing. But that was not all. Now he was incapable of doing his job, since he can't see. Now he was incapable of managing his own affairs, since he can't see. He was incapable of eating a meal decently without messing, since he can't see. He was incapable of walking straight without bumping into anything, since he can't see. In short he was simply a handicap now. A burden.
********
Kashish skipped lunch and stayed in her room pretending to be tired. Everyone believed her. Why wud anyone think otherwise? She did have a long journey… and since she disliked Sujal very much, the news about him wouldn't mean any pain to her.. It shouldn't. But it did. She didn't have the mental strength to face him again so soon. She just can't look at him again right now. She blamed herself for his condition.
All afternoon kashish cursed herself for Sujal's misfortune. If she hadn't been so punctual with time he wouldn't have hurried and if he hadn't hurried he wud have been fine today.
I feel so cursed… He wud have been absolutely fine today if he hadn't met me. It's all coz of me. His misery, his anguish, his pain…. His inability.. all coz of me. I am the worst person in the whole universe. I only give pain to those who are near me.. Why did our paths have to meet in such way? Why?!! Why him?!!! Why not our neighbor or any1 else? Why him!? It's so unfair!!It's so damn unfair!!!
Kashish cried in her thoughts and soon fell asleep due to exhaustion.. Her face streaked with wet tears.
***********
Knock! Knock!
Kashish open up!! Dinners ready! How much u gonna sleep gal? Be down in 10!
Rin yelled from outside K's door.
Kashish pulled a pillow over her face and ignored the voice
No.no.no!!! I can't go.. I am not ready.. I can't.. I can't face him… I'll break if I do. I know I will. I will crack up in front of every1. I just can't… Oh god just let them believe that I am too tired to come.. I hope they just leave me alone…
Kaveri-Kashish!!! C'mon!! U on diet or something? U haven't even met us all.. Dad won't eat without u, so open the door this instant!!
A hassled looking K opens the door –Do I really have to come?<big yawn fro effect>.. I am sooo tired… Please bhabhi… Lemme sleep…
Kaveri put up a nonsense face and shook her head tapping her feet. Kashish finally gave in and went down..
Ok. I know I've been acting plain silly… There is no need for me to be afraid of seeing him..As he, can't technically see me so.. I don't have to worry about my expressions… Not that I feel repelled by him… I just feel sorry… guilty and he wud surely mistake my feeling as pity and repulse.. I am sure
Kashish sat down at the table looking out for Sujal, but his chair was empty hmm must be late…
Every started eating and asking K questions about her camp…. Why didn't she come early? Which places did she go to? How was the whole experience?.. Nobody mentioned Sujal's name and everybody just tried to avoid that subject… Kashish was slightly confused by the synthetic environment but she went ahead with it waiting for S to come.
Sam(sitting next to K) –U can stop staring at the empty chair… He is not coming.
K looked at Sam surprised is my face that transparent? –Why not? Why isn't he? Is he ok? Did he bump himself too hard in the morning?… Is he feeling f nauseous? Or maybe he is having a headache s-
A –He doesn't dine with us.
K –What? What does that mean?
Kashish looked around the room confused and bewildered..What's going on? Why not? Is he banned here or something ?
Everyone avoided her eye.. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room.
K –Wud some1 give me a damn answer!?
Sid –Don't talk like that at the dinner table!
K –Then ans me at once. If u care so about manners. Don't u know it's rude to ignore?
N –Calm down kashish. Why are u getting all bothered… Not that u liked or cared about him any way…
K(Getting up angrily upsetting her plate) –What does my liking or not liking has to do with this? If he is not here coz of me then I'll just-
R –Whoa! There... What are u so worked up about?(Coming out of kitchen)
K –Apparently Sujal is not here coz I am. So I am leaving.
R –Who fed u that horsesh*t? Sujal hasn't dined with once even once in the whole month. He rarely comes out.. It's a surprise he was out today… Although I am sure he wud be appreciate ur offer to leave for his sake….(Sitting down calmly in her chair .. oblivious to stares )
Kashish stood there paralyzed hands flat on table mouth hanging open.
R(Pretty smile) –C'mon sit down honey… Trust me it's not because of u.. He just likes being quite alone with himself.... And yah close ur mouth.. It doesn't look pretty when its hanging lose like that
Kashish sat down embarrassed and red faced.. Closing her mouth tightly. She wouldn't even show her teeth now!!! But she had to ask-
R –Ahhh.. Yes.. We have tried to bring him out… We didn't isolate him on perpose.. Isn't this what u wanted to ask?
Kashish nodded her head mutely wondering why she didn't like her sister in law much..
R –Kaveri and I take food to his room alternatively. Today is Kaveri's turn… sometimes it seem like we have adopted a pet whom I have feed, but I don't get to play with it(pouting)…
Sam –Rin shut up! He is not ur pet dog…
Rin shrugged her shoulder cutely and continued to eat her food, muttering –He is cute though….
************
Later Kashish helped Kaveri clean up the table and to get a chance to talk to her in private
K –Is it just me or is Rin really annoying?
Kaveri laughed lightly patting K's back –She cud be annoying.. But she is honest and nice… U jut need to get ur bearings back..
K –Hmmm…. Is it true what she said.. He hasn't come out for a month-
Kaveri –Yes… It's sad isn't it? It was always so lively when he was around. Even though now her lives in the house.. He had never been more distant from all of us..
K –I see.
Kaveri –And oh by the way.. Sujal thinks Rin is slightly annoying too… Hahaaa .. U wouldn't believe but he also said the same words for her as u… He requested me not to send Rin to him. But I guess, she is having too much fun to give up her duty..
K –She is a strange.
*******
Next day
Kashish went for breakfast then to work. Came back for lunch and then again went to work. Finally dinnertime came again. And Kashish hadn't seen a single glimpse of Sujal all day. How is this possible? When I wanted to avoid him he wud always keep popping in front of my eyes. And now even living under the same roof I haven't seen him for an entire day. This feels so wired…
Kashish tried to change her working hours dropping home at sudden hour in hope of catching a Sujal outside his room. But it seemed that he had most determinedly isolated himself from the whole world…. Why did I think that my coming back wud have made a difference? As it is he hates me…. Only…. If he cud understand that… all is not lost…. I have to do something about this or I'll never be able to live with myself at peace.
A week has passed since K returned home. Still at the dinner table she was sitting next to an empty chair.. A hostile, angry sujal I definitely better than no sujal!
Rin –Sam? Honey.. U know I think our Sujal has finally started doing some night patrolling work!!! Isn't it wonderful??
Sam –What do u mean?
Rin looking here and there innocently as if he hadn't said anything at all –What do I mean?.. Oh why do u have such a mean tone? All I was saying was that… I heard some1 walking in the gallery when I was doing work late night for some days… So … Yesterday I peeped and viola there he was… Lurking near the doors.. Sniffing here and there(giggle..)
Sam(angrily) –That's it!!!! How many times do I have to tell u to stop talking about him like a night watch dog!!
Rin (pouting) –But pups are cute….
A –Rin! Please.. No human likes being compared to a dog.
Rin (resigned sigh) –Uh.. I don't mind being compared…
Kaveri butting in to save the situation –Well since we are talking about our Sujal.. I mean him… umm I think something is going on .. He seems kind of restless these days. When I go with the food he doesn't greet me with a 'Hi' any more…
R (whining)–What? He greets u? He never greets meeeee…..
K (ignoring Rin)–Maybe then it's time to crack his shell…
Sid –Thanks for joining the conversation but cud u at least talk English? First Rin treats him like a watch dog.. And now u what, a snail in shell?
K –Quit with ur animal talk already ok? I want all of u to help me to get him out of the room.
A (calmly.. rising above the stupid talks)–What do u propose?
K –Well first I want something nice made for him tomorrow not porridge or stew which he had been eating for a month.
Kaveri –But he insists on having that only! He won't eat anything else..
Rin –Oh!! Oh!! I get it! U plan to lure him out with yummy treats huh?
K glared at Rin who just looked overly pleased with her cleverness.
K –I think I can manage the rest Rin. I don't want ur pretty little head to ache..
Rin (smiling good naturedly at K. shaking her head) –u shouldn't insult me like that.
K –But since u don't feel insulted, it doesn't make a difference right?
Rin laughing –Hhahaa… I won't answer that trick question.. Anyways now I have to go feed Sujal… I mean give food to sujal. He must be hungry.. Although he doesn't make much noise to tell he is…. Bye(escaping before any1 cud say anything more to her)
******
(Next day) Kashish at work
Kashish sat in her office her head pressed against the cool glass of her desk.
Jake –Hey skipping out on work? U were supposed to make list of the decaying ones…. Is it this one here?
Jake reached for a pile of official looking papers but K snatched them before jake cud touch them and hid them in her drawer..
K –N..n..No it's something else… I'll give u the list tomorrow.
J –Tomorrow? U said u'll give it today… Look I know a lot is going on at ur place..the accident and all.. But u cant neglect ur work.. U have to stop blaming urself for wht happen-
K –Jake. Please. Not now. just leave me alone for now.. Ok? I'll give u the list tomorrow ok? Don't worry I am not flipping out and I won't lose my job.
J –Ok.. Fine. But all I am saying is-
K –Jake? Please? Leave me alone for now?
J shook his head frustrated and went out of her office… This girl just doesn't care about her own self!!
Kashish took out the pages from her drawer and re-read them. She had already read 5 times and was still finding it hard to accept the facts printed in front of her…
Due to brain injury and stress on the medial side of the brain there was suspected damage in the occipital lobe…. Meaning Sujal's eyes and nerves were perfectly healthy and unaffected, the damage was in reception part… In short no operation can cure him of his misery….
Although since he was still recovering and his swelling was still receding… There was a chance … A 0.50% chance of recovery. But kashish knew better to live than on such hopes…
0.50% wasn't a big possibility and to wait and completely rely on it was stupidity… Kashish thought finally locking away the medical reports in her drawer for today…. And neither wud reading his report change anything!!!! Kashish chided herself.
She got up from her chair resolutely and called Kaveri with some instructions…Operation: Rescue Sujal Grewal was now in action!!
***********************************************************************
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