Chapter 88

81. Song Of The Sky

‘Hello, Aspirants. This is Ritu Michelle and welcome to Hibiscus Tea With Hustlers, Episode 34. In HTwH, we bring to you stories of go-getters who achieve their dreams, beating all odds. Today in this episode we have Kirti Singh, this year’s NBI topper. Kirti, Hello.’

‘Hi, Ritu. Hello to everyone, too.’

‘So guys, I had been getting a lot of messages from people wanting to watch an NBI topper, especially one who didn’t have an IIT-IIM or UPSC background. We have wanted to have Kirti with us for a long time now. We had gotten into talks long back, didn’t we Kirti?’

‘Yes, it’s been going on like forever. From March, I think.’

‘Right March, however with her training, and me busy with other videos, we just weren’t able to find the time. Usually, we meet in person and have tea but since I am in Assam and Kirti in Chennai right now, and you know there are protests against the new bill going across the country, it wasn’t possible for me to travel.’

‘Moreover, you interview over Hibiscus tea. I wasn’t willing to travel for it.’

‘Haha. Not a fan of tea, are you?'

'No, I don't like hibiscus tea.'

'It’s good that it’s online, then. So, guys, we decided to do it over a video call. That is why it took so much time. I was facing some technical issues. However, now we have her with us. I’ve known her for only a few months but Kirti is a beautiful person. Her simple personality exudes warmth and positivity. There is a wisdom in her words that comes only from a long struggle. There she goes blushing again. Compliments make her uncomfortable. Thank you, Kirti, for giving us your valuable time. I assume the training is still on?'

‘It’s a pleasure, Ritu. Thank you for having me here. The training is still on. Last leg of the journey.’

‘I’m sure you’re gonna miss the place.’

‘Very much. It's mixed feelings. I have made a lot of friends here. Got to meet the best of minds in the form of professors, seniors, and batch-mates. We had bankers and economists addressing us. It was an enlightening experience. We had a lot of fun. But at the same time, I can't wait to return to my family.'

'Of course. So Kirti, NBI! How did it feel when you first saw that you had made it?'

'It was - is - a very surreal feeling. It's still sinking in. There are times when I look around and wonder if all of it is true. The day the results were out, I could not dare to look at it. I did not. My brother checked it for me. I had my eyes, ears closed all the time. He saw my roll no and screamed in joy. He came to hug me. My grandmother had tears of joy. And all the time I remained mute, too stunned to respond. I kept thinking I have made it? I? How is it possible? This big exam I cracked? Then, I was blank, like the silence that follows the last beep of a machine signaling an end. It was like that. An end of a long, really long struggle.'

'Congratulations'

'Thank you.'

‘Okay, so before our viewers start getting impatient. Kirti, tell us in brief about your background. Where are you from?'

‘I am from Mumbai. I did my schooling at Riverview High School. Afterward, I joined a Polytechnic College to pursue a Diploma in Computer Science. Unfortunately, due to recession and other reasons, not many companies graced our college and I did not get a placement. Since I wanted more prospects to open up, I enrolled in the BA program of a distance learning school. I am an Economic Hons. graduate.’

'Wow. A distance program and still you managed to crack NBI! That's commendable. Guys, this goes on to show that background doesn't matter. Right, Kirti?'

'Absolutely.'

'So Kirti, did you always want to work at NBI?’

‘I had heard of the exam. But I didn't think of sitting for it until recently. I always thought it wasn’t for me. The decision to sit for it came to me very suddenly. I wanted to improve my circumstances and this was the best option available.’

‘Was it your first attempt? How long did it take to crack the exam?’

‘It was my first attempt. I cracked it in a preparation span of three months. I had a month and a half before Prelims. That was the time I started an integrated approach to both Mains and Prelims. Then after Prelims, we had three weeks for Mains’

‘Three months? Only three months? Our viewers aren’t going to believe.’

‘I know. It sounds unbelievable. But I always tell people the story of a deer and a cheetah. When a cheetah is running behind a deer, the deer often wins even when the former is said to be the fastest animal. Because the cheetah is running for food while the deer is for its life. The objective, why you are running matters the most. The fewer number of days didn’t matter. It was a matter of utmost importance that I crack the exam and thus I did. There was an equal probability that I could fail. But I believe God was with me.'

----

'Thank you, Kirti for sharing with us an inspiring and insightful journey of yours. Any advice or words of wisdom?'

'I have always seen a lot of people second doubting themselves, asking on forums if it is possible to crack the exam with not so good background. People ask questions like they are in a joint family, there's a lot of problems at home; their English, Math isn't strong, they have failed too many times. They have hit rock bottom. To all my dear aspirants, if I could do it. You can too. I don't want to reveal the personal circumstances in which I had to prepare. But it wasn't good. I was in the worst place both personally and professionally. I used to cry myself to sleep almost daily. I was supposed to take care of my sick grandmother. It was a long and constant hustle and my dear viewers, still, I dared. I dared to hope and try. I request you to do the same.’

‘Right. We often keep procrastinating because of our fears.’

‘There’s a very interesting story, Ritu. If you allow me to share.’

‘Yes, by all means, go ahead.'

'So there was a barber who’d always listen to customers talking about a princess. She had been cursed and locked on an island and whoever was to save and bring her back, would be rewarded generously by the King. They would talk about how every Prince, and knight, every possible person of valor had tried their luck but in vain. Every time the barber would listen to it, he would think of going himself but as the night came, he would push it off to some other day. When one day, he finally went to the island, he only had to flick the rusty lock with his finger and it fell open. So easy! The knights could not do this? He sneered. His path was smooth, none of it encountered by the demons and bloodthirsty beasts he had so heard of. Giddy with success, when he kicked open the door to the Princess room, all he found was a carcass of an old degenerated body that once was a Princess. It was then he realized that he was too late. He had been listening to the story for the last thirty years!'

‘So start today and give it all that you have. Do not think about your shortcomings. The biggest crime that you can commit against yourself is doubting yourself. Study scientifically and when you fail don't take it personally. If you fail, don’t worry. There are still better things out there waiting for you. You’d think that I am saying this because I’ve made it. But my sorrow was immeasurable when I wasn’t among the four students who got campus-placed in my Polytechnic final year. In India, where seats are very low and there are too many candidates, you’ll inevitably fail. Do not let that failure creep into your personal life. My under-confidence kept piling and translated into extreme low esteem. I have pushed away genuine people, true friendships as a result of it. In this trap of success and failure, do not let your life slip out of your hands.’

'That was amazing advice, Kirti. I am sure viewers can benefit from this. Do not let others define for you what success is and make you lose your confidence.’

‘So that's it guys for today. If you haven't subscribed to our channel, please do. Share our videos and support us so that we can continue to bring to you such tales of extraordinary courage and mental grit. This is Ritu Michelle signing off. Keep at it. You will reach your goal soon.'

XxxX

‘Hey, Kirti, that was a wonderful interview. Thank you for humoring my sister. I am sure she pestered you a lot,’ said Debbie, Kirti’s fellow trainee, slipping in next to her on the long mahogany bench.

The dinner had finished a few minutes ago and they had assembled in the recreation room. A few had decided to play billiards as the silence of the room was peppered with talks of others.

‘Oh no, not at all. It was fun. Your sister has a way with people. It did not feel like I had never met her in person.'

‘Yes, she gets that a lot. What are you doing?’ Debbie asked, threading her hand through her chin-flattering shaggy bob.

‘Nothing,’ Kirti replied, folding away the napkin and capping her sleek pen. The sharp lines of ink leaked through the translucent tissue.

‘Is it the same anime character that you’re always drawing?’

‘Huh?’ Kirti looked up into the captivating pair of hazels of her friend.

‘You’re into doodles, aren’t you? And there is this one character that you’re obsessed with. I see him by the margins and in the corners of your pages, on the back of your notebook. Sometimes the character and the person - whoever he is - merge and you sit here lost to the world, painstakingly sketching his eyes, trying to get the curve of the lids, the bend of the lashes right.’

Kirti flustered under Debbie’s perceptive gaze. ‘I like drawing.’

‘Of course, you like sketching,’ And many other things, Debbie thought but did not voice it out. Kirti, even though amiable and warm, was extremely guarded, unwilling to trust any intimate piece of her with others. ‘Why did you come here?’ She changed the topic.

‘I did not like where the conversation was heading. It’s uncomfortable how they were casually discussing marriage and women as if they are just options - a pit stop for men as they go on about doing great things they have been born for.’

‘Soumik can be annoying,’ Debbie agreed.

‘Annoying? He’s problematic. His thoughts are concerning. He speaks of his future wife as if she’s born for servitude. I’m going to marry a homemaker. She can do a job if she wants for the first few years but after our child is born, no! I won’t let our children’s life be compromised. And I thought we have a pool of highly educated people here.’

‘People like Soumik are everywhere in services or otherwise. There is a difference between literacy and education, Kirti,' Debbie said. She had spent years working in the corporate sector and had come across enough people to have now become habituated to everyday disappointments like these. Some proclaimed their choices like Soumik, while others preferred to remain in the closet. No matter which part of the world you were in, people unfortunately were very predictable. As if God had shaken the formulaic drink and spattered it all over the earth. Wherever the liquid fell, a seed of life sprouted from there. 'Then sometimes there are people who have no literacy or education to boast about and still have such high thoughts that take you by surprise and warm your heart,’ she said. ‘So all hope is not lost?’

'I guess,' Kirti agreed. 'What I dislike though is how much marriage and dating forms a part of our conversation. Not even a week of our coming here when all the bachelors came into action. It was like we had cracked the exam and now must get on the next bus or it will be too late.'

'That is how it is everywhere. Don’t you remember how the first thing that people do in colleges is to check out the grass on their side?’ Debbie asked, amused at Kirti’s outburst.

‘I didn't attend a proper college and in my Polytechnic years, I did not notice,’ Kirti replied. ‘Debbie, doesn’t it make it all superficial and forced? You don’t fall in love but you make yourself fall in love. Karan proposed to Anushree last night. She accepted. But how long have they known each other? Are they not giving into societal norms and getting married just because ‘if not now, it’ll be too late?’ Do you remember what she'd said the first night? Now I need to find someone to marry from this lot! Are they my only options? She was worried that her parents back at home wouldn't be able to find a guy who was good enough. She was worried how cracking this exam has sort of limited her options. Because naturally, you cannot marry beneath yourself. This cannot be love! Setting a target best suitable and then convincing the other that you're the right match!'

'But Kirti,' Debbie started, looking at the crowd that had gathered by the billiards table, ‘ perhaps it isn’t that bad. Dating is sometimes exactly that -   A conscious choice. We look at the available options, choose someone who almost fits our idea of perfection, and then pursue them to convince them how they can be good together. That true love propagated by the media is hard to come by. It just doesn't fall in your lap while you're waiting for it. You've to consciously look for it.'

'I am not against dating as such. I am just hoping that what they have for each other is genuine. That it should not crumble when the initial haze wears off. That one day they shouldn't wake up with the realization that they have erred. Because broken relationships are scarring and life-ruining.'

'Hey! You're a pessimist! Why don't you just believe that they are in love!'

'Pardon me, Debbie. I am not a non-believer. I am just wary. I guess I have seen way too many relationships crumble before my eyes. Only this morning, I read of a power couple divorcing  a year after their marriage and it hurts to read such stories.'

'It happens, Kirti. Sometimes, you start with love but it isn't enough to solely shoulder the weight of your relationship. Or sometimes love disappears.'

'Or maybe it wasn’t love in the first place. Is it even true love if it disappears? When it cannot stand the test of time?'

'I had a boyfriend before I met my husband. I truly did love that boyfriend at one point in my youth. But now I am irrevocably in love with my husband, Ken. Love doesn't come with a guarantee that it won't wear off. Old love dies. New love springs to life. It doesn’t have to be eternal. It can be ephemeral and still fulfilling.’

‘I beg your pardon, Debbie. Then that what you claim to be irrevocable, is also susceptible to impermanence?’

‘Yes, it is. It is like a plant that needs consistent nurturing. For a love to transform into enduring love, you need to put in the effort. Or eventually, it will wither away. Once it has withered away, it doesn’t matter whether you’re together or not.’

‘Then Debbie, obsession...years-long madness and obsession, it can perish too?’

‘It can. It should perish and rightfully so. Because obsession and madness, though they sound romantic, more often than not, become a toxic prison for the people involved.’

‘Oh,’ Kirti remained silent for a long time before asking, 'What about something that never began? Can it end too?'

'Hmm?' Debbie had not heard the question properly.

'There is a certainty with things that never begin,’ Kirti said. ‘If they never begin, they cannot have an end too.’

‘Something that never began has no existence and something that does not exist, has no mention either. And if it is being mentioned, its existence is up for debate then. Did it really not begin? God, Kirti! Why are you always stuck on these existential questions?’

‘I am sorry. I know I am boring.’ Kirti blushed and looked away.

‘No, I didn’t say you’re boring. Not when you’re willing to be my tennis partner.’

Debbie didn’t share with Kirti what she truly felt about the woman. That she was waiting. Just like the others here were. The only difference was that the others were actively seeking companionship while Kirti seemed to be caught in an eternal wait for someone.

‘You are always choosing me as a partner because you’re able to beat me,’ Kirti said getting up.

‘You need practice, Ki. I am teaching you techniques every day. Why don’t you make use of them?’ Debbie asked, emptying the room, Kirti by her side.

‘Are you sure you’ve taught me everything, Dee? It feels like you’re being the cunning cat here. Not teaching me the last but most important trick,’ Kiri remarked, jocosely.

‘Right. I am saving the best trick for last. If you’ll be a good student, you’ll get to know it. Btw, tomorrow we have Mr.Aggarwal addressing us. Are you excited?’

‘Mm-hmm,’ Kirti replied as she stepped into the tennis room.

XxxX

'No, not you. The one sitting behind you,’ His deep baritone rang loudly in the packed and yet  silent classroom.

 Kirti stood up reluctantly when Debbie poked her arm with a pen.

‘Me?’ She had been hoping he wouldn’t see her. It was the sole reason she had chosen this obscure corner. 

‘Yes, you. What is your name?’

‘Sir, Kirti Singh.’ She felt very much like a girl who was being called out to solve a difficult calculus problem on the board. All eyes were turned on her. The mic was passed to her.

‘So Ms.Singh, Should equity be a goal of economic policy? Which do you think should be given preference to while making policies? Growth or equitable distribution of benefits? ’

‘Sir, Society is a layered structure so I don’t think there can be a right answer for this. We will have to understand the society which we are looking at, then look at the determinants of growth.

XxxX

'I always thought that Mr.Krishnakant Desai was a better candidate for the Governor post. However, today after the session with Vaibhav Sir, I am forced to change my opinion. What a visionary man! What clarity of thoughts!' Anirudh said.

They were all in a bus headed to Note Printing Press, Mysore.

The men talked among themselves.

'It was such an enriching experience to listen to him. He is really an ocean of vast knowledge. I have read a few of his published papers but to finally see him speaking is something else. He’s magnetic.'

'Hmm. We always tend to categorize the policymakers as either hawks or doves. However, with him here it's difficult to say which way the camel would sit. If you go through all his addresses in the past, he comes out as different from others. He's willing to take risks.'

'He has a domineering personality, though. I got so nervous when he looked our way. I was relieved when he asked for Kirti instead,’ said Harika, the youngest among the only four women in the batch.

'Kirti!' Anirudh shouted.

Kirti, who was looking out of the window, sitting in the back rows, had to stand up to meet their faces. 'What?'

'Good job with the answers today!'

'Oh, thank you,' She sat down without giving Anirudh an opportunity to continue the conversation any further making him feel dejected.

'Really a good job, Kirti,' Debbie, who sat next to her, complimented her. 'It was like he solely targeted you but you held your own well.'

'Do you think so? I was very nervous,' Kirti confessed. 'My cheeks were warm. My heart was racing wild. I was conscious of my voice. I don't even remember what I answered.'

'I know. I could feel you trembling. But take my words, you were good. He must have found your answers interesting to keep coming back to you with questions.'

Interesting or not, Nishit's father had recognized her, it seemed.

'Debbie, how’s your skit practice coming along?’

‘It’s good. How about your song?’

‘I couldn’t practice the last two days because I was busy preparing for the presentation. Thank God that it’s all familiar songs.

‘What song?’ Debbie asked, pulling out bags of chips from her bag. ‘Green Lays, right?’

‘Thanks,’ she accepted the packet with a smile. ‘Aanewala Pal… and Chalte Chalte’

‘The mandatory farewell songs!’

XxxX

‘Kirti... Kirti... Kirti!!!’ The chorus traveled like a sinusoidal wave and reached her table where she was relishing her paneer tikka - cubes of marinated cottage cheese grilled to perfection.

Kirti groaned as she hid her face in Debbie’s shoulder. ‘Yaar, do they think I am some Akashwani channel that they can tune to anytime.’

It was their last night together before they went their own ways, posted in different departments and all of them had decided to celebrate it by dining outside. Drinks had been ordered too and some of their eyes danced under the influence of the liquor.

Debbie chuckled in response. ‘The perils of being the only singer among tone-deaf people. What’s that proverb in Hindi? Besuron mein Kirti Raja.’

‘Dear Listeners, the Chitrahaar Program only comes on Wednesday. You shouldn’t have missed yesterday’s program. Truly regret the inconvenience, though,’ she announced.

‘Don’t act too pricey,’ Anushree spoke.

‘What?’ Kirti pretended to strain her ears amidst the noise in the diner. ‘Pyazi? No, I did not order onion pakodas. I am not sure if they have any,’ Kirti smiled at the woman. Anushree was always blunt and rude with her. Kirti attributed it to her inability to share the limelight. Anushree was one of those women who could be sweet and polite only to the opposite gender.

‘Kirti Di, please,’ Harika pleaded with her innocent eyes.

'You yourself are a decent singer, Harry. Why don't you sing for us tonight?'

'I will Di, but after you.'

‘Arre yaar, this isn’t fair,’ she finished the last bite, readying to get up. She wasn’t acting pricey but even singing required a good mood. You couldn’t start any and everywhere.

Harika grinned back.

‘Come and sing for us, Kirti,  Yogendra requested.

‘Not you too.' She wiped the magical flavor off her fingers and lips with the napkin.

‘One last time.’

She couldn’t deny Yogendra, the most senior trainee in their batch with Debbie and her being second to him. She respected him a lot. He had immense knowledge in the field, being an M.Phil gold medalist, and had helped her understand the case studies during the foundation model classes. During their conversations, he had revealed how NBI was only a temporary stop and he had appeared for Indian Economic Services as well. It was only under his influence, she had applied for a Masters in Economics in distance mode.

‘Okay, then,’ Kirti agreed, yielding under the pressure. ‘It is not a song that is suited to the occasion. But since I have been listening to it on a loop so…’

‘Sing whatever you like, bro. Just start.’

Kirti went to stand in the middle of the room filled with the sixty trainees, almost all eyes focused on her, and felt a familiar trickle of heat burn her neck and ears.

'Mil gayi, aaj aasman se…

Aa gayi aage main jahan se

Ye kya huaaa…'

She closed her eyes and the images of the past few months flickered like dots of light behind her closed eyes. The early morning Yogas, the food that was sometimes so bad that it made her miss home, the exhausting 9-5 classes, the Monday tests, the extracurricular which she didn't want to join in the first place but had come to enjoy. Debbie had even made her act in skits and plays. Joining the editors club was her own decision because she wanted to try her hands at writing a few articles for the Magazine. The tours and trekking, the sports competition, the presentations - She had tried to utilize the best of her potential at everything.

The training had drawn out the best in her.

These days, when she looked at herself in the mirror, she didn't feel under-confident. After numerous public speaking opportunities, she no longer felt doubtful of expressing her views.

Although, it had not come easily. She remembered that the first few days in the Staff Hostel, she had cried under the secrecy that her duvet provided.

She had felt lonely, the past betrayals and rejections coming to haunt her. She missed Radha. All the more so because Biplab had brought the child to meet her when Kirti was training in Pune. Though Radha had been ecstatic to meet Kirti, she had looked content with her new life. It had hurt Kirti to know that she could be so easily replaced

.

Even conversations with her brother made her insecure, for he didn’t show signs of missing her. Would he come back to her? She often wondered in the lonely nights. Her grandmother also never complained.

She hoped it was all an act.

She missed him, too. Scrolling through his media posts at nights when she should be sleeping.

Getting into a prestigious job did not magically cure one of low esteem and grief.

It had been a slow and conscious approach. Her first reflex had been to step into shadows and let others shine.

But she had pushed herself out of her comfort zone, rising to every challenge that came her way. She had played, she had sung, she had danced, she had laughed and she had read. Read a lot to be at par with the bright minds that surrounded her.

It helped her in keeping her mind away from the problems back at home. She had mindfully paid attention to only her present. In the process, she was able to discover the parts of her that had lain latent.

These three months had been the best period of her life.

'Paanv zameen pe hai ya badal pe

Uljhe sitarein aake aanchal se...

Jee li umar sari iss pal mein

Kuch bhi nahi ab mere kal mein…'

She opened her eyes to look at her batchmates, some of whom she'd perhaps never see again. She was going to miss all of them.

'To NBSC and Class 2020. Thank you. The memories and lessons learned here shall forever remain with me.'  She bowed.

[MEMBERSONLY]

[NOCOPY]