Chapter 116

Imposter syndrome

“Did he threaten you?” he asked gruffly

They both stretched out on her divan

Dhru slept in between tired and completely exhausted

The boys had stayed and created a complete racket, turning the flat upside down

Atty had ordered pizza for them and pizza for Jaidrith from a place near his home in Khar East that specialized in delicious pizza for kids with allergies

He had already eaten a few of those over the last 6 months so

“Oh no he never does that, he is just a slow toxic lake that surrounds you and swallows you” she fought tears

“Why didn’t you call me immediately?”

“I don’t need your help in dealing with him” she sniffled wiping her tears with her tissue that was rolled up like a cigarette as they talked and talked, the ring was on her finger now

A little loose but it sparkled mightily 

“When I asked you if you are marrying me out of pity… I wanted you to be honest with me” she went back to her q from half an hour ago

He looked up from his phone.. at her “And I told you I find u intelligent and s—y and seductive and intoxicating and heady and…”

“Well u didn’t say all that” she blushed chuckling a  bit

“I went looking for you first thing after I returned, I felt something was off, as soon as I left for Wharton, I couldn’t place a finger. I had fathered a child” he sighed

“I didn’t even think of looking for you” she muttered

“Why would you, we never agreed to anything, we didn’t even know each others’ phone numbers

“I got a lot of hate from my Aai for being a s—t like my Baba” she whispered and gasped as she fought a sob

He set his phone down and walked around and sat by her

She leaned tentatively and wiped her tears off

“I have been in therapy since” “I just wanted ONE person who liked me” “JUST ONE”

He had no idea what the urge must have felt like

Between his aunts and uncles and cousins and parents and Apu and Mihir he had at least a 50 not to mention his friends in Mumbai and Grad school

“I cannot make it right I cannot erase any of it… I don’t have the courage to tell my Pa “I don’t care for your opinion I am marrying Mrunalini”

“But I do know I will not let go of you”

“I told myself “I will live a little” she smiled through moist eyes

“I know… I saw the inscription in your kitchen drawer about what your heart urged”

“You could dump me and walk away 6 months from now I just want to feel loved and be engaged and just take one day at a time”

“Hoping to be dumped is a round about sort of way of not trusting” he said grimly

“You have kind affectionate parents, its cruel to hurt them… I want to be greedy but I do feel for them A” she whispered leaning on the wall and stretching her legs out

“making them happy means destroying my life” he was pissed

“That’s what it might feel like now… but you might be better off with who they pick”

“Are u even listening to urself? THERE IS NO ONE… THIS IS IT” he stood up

“Are u leaving?” she panicked

He just glared

“Unfortunately for you… no” he said sitting down in a bamboo lounge chair under the far window

“I sound like a hypocrite I know… I feel part of me doesn’t want to accept I am doing this to ur parents” she whispered “I have lived my life with my head being dunked into water, repeatedly, unable to get back up for air” “I have horrible parents.. or I am a horrible child I don’t know…”

“STOP” he got up and paced the living room grunting and growling

“Aatreya” she got up and followed him distressed

He turned paused and grabbed her and held her tight

“Stop beating yourself up”

“Guilt is not a turn off and on switch” she wept

“You are not responsible for your parents actions”

“My Aai says I AM” she lamented

She went on her phone pulling away from him and scrolled thru her messages and stopped on one

“Here she says…” she handed him the phone to let him read

Half was in Marathi the other half in broken English, but very uncomplimentary

He felt his blood begin to boil

He stared at it calmed himself down and handed her the phone

“I don’t plan on going anywhere… I want you to think about what you want”

“Can I check with Sameena?” she asked innocently

As if Sameena was her principal

“Absolutely” he whispered leaning forward to kiss her on her forehead

“Do I get my own bed tonight?” he asked softly