Chapter 26

25.Impermanence

‘His interest  was like a magic castle that vanished into thin air without any notice. Now, I am left to think if it was even real or not.’

‘It sure was not your figment of imagination.I saw the texts too, remember?’

‘Yes, and you made me delete them.’

‘Hey! Don’t put that blame on me! You did all that on your own.’

‘You must think I’m such a sl*t! Like a ping pong swinging between the two of them. You must think oh that day she was railing against the guy and his sister and then starts flirting the second he throws some crumbs her way.’

‘That is you having a dialogue with your inner critic. I would like to believe I am no sl*t shamer.’

‘But I was not flirting you know. He sent a text one day and I wasn’t even going to reply, but something happened and one text led to another. Felt like a haze. Like I was on a drug? A fog that was pierced only when you intervened?’

‘Do you resent me for that? Did you want it to go on?’

‘At first I did. But now, I’m glad you stopped me from the madness. Like you said, it was just a whim for him. You know...I did not tell you this, but he came the other day to check on my foot and I was in a shitty mood but when I saw him, it was colors and rainbows. I lent him my umbrella too. You know just so that he has an excuse to come back again. So like a lovesick puppy!’ Kirti covered her hands, the last of her words muffled by it. 

‘Lovesick?’

‘Not exactly but you know... I’m just using the phrase.’

‘Hmm’

‘Why am I so pathetic, Shruti? Is it like you said? That I seek validation through their interest?That I am not immune to their charms?’

‘I would have said yes but you weren’t flattered by Navyam’s interest?’

‘Don’t mention that pig! He’s the most unlikeable!’

‘Nishit is not?’

Kirti evaded the question.

‘He must be sneering at his victory. Maybe laughing along with his girlfriend at the display of my weakness.Look how the fool danced right into my web, he must gloat. I wasted a seventy rupees umbrella over him too!’

‘So why are you upset? Because he did not pay you a visit or text you again in the last two weeks? Because seventy rupees got wasted? Or he must be laughing at your display of your weakness? Or is the picture of him laughing along with his girlfriend that bothers you?’

‘What are you doing? Psychoanalyzing me?’

‘Just helping you to figure out your feelings.’

‘You know, I am a fool! He has always been like this. Even when we were in college. I thought he was…’

‘He was? I didn’t know you two have history. Wow. This gets interesting. So in college he was…’

‘Nothing!’ Kirti huffed. ‘Just another figment of my imagination. The point is I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.’

‘Strong words but point noted.’

‘Do not joke. I am very serious. I hate him and I will keep repeating that to myself unless I have it clear and verbatim. The gall of the guy to ignore me when he clearly saw me in the Food Plaza! How embarrassing it was to have my hands raised in the air and he passed by without acknowledging me. Was it because I had my lowly uniform on and colleagues with me? Was it because it would have degraded his status to acknowledge me!? He used to do the same at school as well. Playing hot and cold. But I never get my lesson, do I? How embarrassing to keep checking my phone to see if he texted! How embarrassing to return home with an anticipation of finding him sitting with my grandmother!’

‘It’s okay, Kirti. Don’t cry. Don’t beat yourself over that.’

‘But you don’t know the whole truth! You’d hate me too then. If he were to come and stand and argue some philosophy with me, maybe my heart will somersault again.How humiliating to think that I might be low key crushing on him! How low can I fall?’

‘It’s okay, Kirti. Happens with all of us. He’s good looking. And maybe silver tongued. He showed interest. It’s only human to feel something.’

‘But you’d not have, had you been in my place. You’d have been impenetrable making all his ploy to toy with you go in drain. In fact, it would have backfired on him, him catching feelings for you.  Why can’t I be like you?’

‘You give me too much credit, Kirti. I was dumped by my husband, remember?’

‘God’s been too kind,’ Kirti quoted Sandy, Shruti’s mother. And they both smiled.

‘But you’re stronger than me. The guys are all after you. Yet, you remain unaffected’

‘None of them are Nishit, right? No past, no repressed issues. And who said I’m impenetrable? When men look at me, I also think, oh thank God, I’m still desirable. People want me despite my divorcee status and me being a single mom.’’

‘You are so beautiful. I love your wavy hair, your slanting eyes. Your being an independent and single mom only adds to your desirability, Shruti.’

‘Maybe. But I need validation from time to time. Just like anyone else.Low key crushing you talk about? I have been low key crushing on someone for years now.’

‘Who? Who? Tell me, Shruti. You know all my secrets.’

‘Umm, but promise you are not telling it to anyone else.’

‘God promise. Now tell me’

‘Mayank!’

‘Ma...Our Mayank? O my God! This is huge.But you never…’

‘Yes, your Mayank’

‘Arre aise kyun bol rahi ho?’

‘Because he has always had a thing for you?’

‘Me?ME??’ Kirti couldn’t help but laugh.

‘Yeah, you don’t know?’

‘There’s something wrong with your head, right?’

‘Actually, there’s some thick headed quality about you that makes you blind to other people’s interest?’

‘But Shruti, we called him Bhaiyya till 7th standard.’

‘I did not. You used to and then he asked you to stop calling him that’

‘Yes, because he had already started becoming vain and Bhaiyya would spoil his hero image? Whatever it is, don’t gross me out okay. He’s good looking and all but I never saw him in that light. You, on the other hand. How could you hide this for so long? Do you really? God, He’s Mayank! I can’t wrap my head around this.’

‘Well, he’s gentle,attentive and caring and you cannot be immune to those abs and face, now can you?’

‘Why didn’t you confess? Take it forward with him?’

‘What forward? Thank you very much. He’s grown up into a player.’

‘But it could be different with you.’

‘Just a wish, Kirti. This isn’t TV. Yeah, I used to have feelings but I know now not to react to them. I am no simpering girl. I have a child. I want someone reliable. He’s just too wild both in his personal and professional choices. God forbid, if he’s getting married to someone tomorrow, I’ll advise the girl to ask for a STD testing. But you know, I feel sad for him in a way.I always thought his flings were a way to cover his unrequited feelings for you.’

‘What the hell! Shruti, I don’t know about his wild ways but you do possess a wild imagination.’

‘No wonder the guy never confessed. Look at you now. Anyway...so I was saying that I am not immune. I am just better at not letting it slip through my language. In Zakir’s words, apan log Sakht rehte hai, pighalne ka nahi. And all those trying to toy, see that they don’t get out unscathed out of the fire. So that when they go home, they should regret. But damn however short it lasted it was good. And I cannot have her. She’s out of my league. Is she affected the same as me?’

‘Sadly, I am no fire. And I’ve no league.’

‘Tch Tch Kirti this is what you keep doing. Fire? You are a whole damn volcano waiting to erupt. Why do they come to you? Realize your potential. League you say? Had you been born with the same money as theirs, then guys like Tejas wouldn’t even have a chance so surrounded by men you’d have been. But being surrounded by men, is not our agenda no? Surrounded by government job positive results now that is…’

‘Yes, that would be nice to read at least once in life some congratulatory note from a government examination body.Congrats, you’ve been shortlisted. What would I not give to get that result’

They both sighed at that.

‘Out of the world experience. It will set my Sibin’s future. I will be able to provide him so much more.’ 

‘Is that what your motivation is?’

‘It is. I think you should not give up either’

‘I don’t know. I tried and then I could not anymore.You should have seen Dadi everytime I would not make it. Not appearing at least saves from the pain.’

The sky was clear tonight as they stared at it lying on the wooden cot on the terrace.

‘Shruti, yaar do hell with Mayank, Nishit and Tejas, mujhse shadi kar lein! I will be Sibin’s Papa.’

‘I’ll have to see...you don’t make my heart somersault.’

‘Abhi bhi nahi?’ Kirti asked, scooting closer and throwing an arm over Shruti’s abdomen.

‘Nada I feel nothing’

‘Not even now?’ Kirti threw her legs over hers.

‘Leave me alone, you barnacle. I am still very much straight.’

‘I will not. No one makes me feel as good as you. You are the only who loves me with moles and warts and all,’ Kirti laid her head on Shruti’s chest. ‘You’re my only hero.’ She received a gentle pat on her head. 

‘If Sibin comes and sees you, he’s going to tear you down. He’s very possessive.’

‘Then I am glad he’s not here. The Dad will like to have the Mom all to herself.’ She received a whack that did little to perturb her.

When some moments passed, Shruti staring at the sky said, ‘Then he will appear again.’

‘Who?’ Kirti asked, releasing Shruti from her hold and raising her head on her arms to meet Shruti’s eyes.

‘He who shall be permanently and irrevocably and very devotedly hated.’

Kirti made a face.

‘You said, he’s as impermanent as the clouds. Floating here and vanishing there. There is nothing more impermanent than the impermanence of Mumbai clouds.’

[NOCOPY]

[MEMBERSONLY]