Restart- 3

Winston Churchill said, “The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you will see.”

It was a chaos unlike anything else. Rakesh’s case had barely quieten down- he had walked scott free of the heinous charges and shockingly the girl’s Mother and Uncle proved to be guilty of murdering the teenager. It was cleared one day, and in the evening Rakesh was gheraoed by the media personnel outside his house. Here is where ETF and the police department made mistake. The sensitivity of the case along with fragile mental health of Rakesh meant he should not have been left alone, but the moment his name was cleared security was removed from his mansion. If guards were there, media people would not have barged into house, neither Rakesh would have pulled the gun on them, shot two of them and then committed suicide.

The gruesome part was it all happened live on camera.

Everyone was running to close this matter as soon as possible, and by afternoon Aisha felt a strong headache coming. This was one of those situations where many things went wrong and the matter might drag for weeks, months even. Her own team was not doing any better- the moment the news was out, Chotu had gone into a shell. He had witnessed Rakesh’s previous suicide attempt and blamed himself for not overseeing the security part himself, as it was trusted to him.

“I am really sorry.” The usually composed man’s voice shook as he tried to look ahead, chin up, “Words are not enough, and this has been a huge mistake.”

“It’s not your fault.” She tried to soothe.

“You told me to stay with him.” He said forcefully, “I failed. I am not even sure if any punishment will fit.”

“Patil.” She spoke sternly and he blinked, looking down, “Let’s just handle this together, yeah? We will talk later.”

Before issuing an official media report before they tarnish their reputation further, Raghu sir paid them a visit. Aisha has been meaning to meet the man for a while now but something or else always held her back. Now they met, and circumstances can’t be worse.

His face seemed to echo her feelings, “This has gone to dogs.” Then looked at her face properly, “How are you holding up?”

She shrugged, exhaling a long breath, ”This was a collective failure and I am just thinking how to put it across to the media in the next 10 minutes.”

“Don’t you wish you had Ms Anand around now?” At her look he raised his hands in surrender, “Just saying. Your department, your call.” Looking around, he gave a nod to the other ETF core members before asking, “Where is Riya?”

“Leave.” He raised eyebrows at that, “Family emergency.”

“She was in the interrogation room.” She did not know how he knew that, but then Raghu sir knew everything.

“So was Rawte.” She replied, “Let her be, Sir. I will call her back when it’s required.”

He shrugged, offering to lurk around for the press conference, which went as bad as Aisha expected and longer with the questions which sounded like accusations. Once it was down, Sir left, not before saying this-

“Once this is over, you, me and Riya needs to have a chat. Maybe we will even invite Rahane, I need updates on the Sahay matter.”

The ETF team regrouped in the conference room post the disastrous PR meeting.

“Since when Rakesh’s family started to care?” Chotu burst out, leaving everyone perplexed, “They left him alone when he was at his worst, and now they are going to news channel to say how he was helpless? What they even know about his condition?”

“Chotu.” At Rawte’s tone of warning, he quietened down, but still angry at the hypocrisy of the late lawyer’s family. The case was ugly enough- a kid’s death is always hard, but the moment it came out that the victim’s family was the suspect, it become a matter of rich vs poor, how ETF favored the elite one over the victim. The fact that Rakesh himself involved ETF got leaked somehow, and it was a new point of contention between all parties. People came from all sorts of sources- the kid’s neighbors, school friends, Chaurasia family friends- having their two minutes of frame in front of camera, telling outrageous tales. It will never stop surprising Aisha how far people can fall, having the unfortunate luck to see people’s ugly side first hand.

The meeting was going on when someone familiar walked through the doors, and Aisha muttered to herself Oh hell no. She had no time for this on top of all the mess. Sakshi Anand looked rumpled, unlike the perfectly dressed and groomed person who used to join them. The moment the women met, she raised a hand to stop before the ETF director burst out.

“I am not here to beg for the position, neither to ask for scoop.” She took a deep breath, looking at the other members, “One of the reporter who died was my ex-colleague.”

Nobody had anything to say in reply. The ex crime journo looked around, hands on hips.

“What’s the plan, then?”

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“You smoke?!” At the high pitched indignant reply, Riya grimaced, the stick immediately falling from her lips as she turned. The man infront of her gave an incredulous cum disappointed look- well, she had that effect on people.

“Hello, Brother.” Sravan Ranawat pointedly looked at the cigarette in her hand. She looked around, sighing in defeat, then crushed it under her shoe.

“It’s a no smoking zone.”

“I am aware.” She muttered, looking over his shoulder.

“It’s a hospital!” He hissed.

“I can see.” Some of her old attitude came back and he pursued his lips, irritated. A charged silence followed and she knew what was coming next- accusations, questions. She just hoped there won’t be a shouting match. Between the ever dragging issue of not-so-dead Neal and now her Grandmother, she was on edge. The last thing she wanted was to snap on her Brother she had met almost after a decade, and this meeting would not have happened if the older woman did not slip in the washroom.

“Fancy seeing you here.” Sravan huffed, arms crossed over chest, “I didn’t believe the nurse when she said my sister was here, seeing Dia is in Vegas. Well, atleast you bothered to show up.”

It stung a bit how she was not the sister he remembered, but then she can’t be mad when she didn’t care to keep in touch with any. Sravan and her was never too close- he was the businessman, the obvious heir. He had the similar outlook at life and people in general like their parents shared, and Dia fit into the equation better. A perfect family. There were often jokes that she was the adopted one, and it would have been true if she didn’t see her Grandfather’s pictures- Grandma always said Riya had skipped a generation and was a splitting image of the older ones.

“ . . . wasn’t a complete waste to be in touch with you.” Sravan was rambling and at one point she had zoned out, and sensing that he snapped, “Are you even listening to me, Ali?”

“Don’t call me that.” She made a face, looking away, finally having enough of this one sided conversation which had no point, “Look, I understand the inconvenience of my presence here. Once she wakes up, I will meet her and I will be out of here soon. When is Mom and Dad coming?”

He gritted his teeth, “Tomorrow.”

“So you only have to bear me one day.” She tried to lighten up, “I won’t bite, I promise.”

He stared at her for a long time, and just when Riya felt her irritation rising, he spoke in a calm tone, “It’s amazing how you do the mistake and so conveniently put the blame on someone else. Always blew my mind.”

She swallowed, looking sideways, but relieved when he turned on his heels and took steps ahead. Finally it’s over, the awkward sibilings reunion her mind snarked, but when was her life so easy?

“Why did you even leave?”

That was a good question. And she did not have the mental capacity to answer that now.

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“You saw this?” Sakshi marched into conference room, thrashing her phone on the director’s hand as a news clip played. The guilt’s lawyer, a known shark in the Mumbai city had his own press conference accusing ETF of having favoritism towards Chaurasia and demanded a thorough investigation of whether any coercion took place during investigation.

”On what basis they have framed the case?” The man in the video exclaimed dramatically as the ETF team circled, “How can a Mother kill her own child?!”

“What the . . . “ Bewildered, Shree looked around, “What does this mean?”

“It means,” Rawte gritted teeth, “Richa’s case might reopen.”

“The Mother confessed.” Chotu said, pointing a finger, “Now what do they want? Do they want CCTV footage or what?”

Neither of the officers or civilian present there was unaware of the usual procedure in cases like this. If there is any issue with case, an independent investigation team is set up. Aisha had already cross checked that- the chances are Special Squad might be a part of SIT in case it’s formed. Aryan Khanna was a man who danced around rules, but very strict when it comes to rule breaking. He don’t even spare his own team mates, but Aisha was not worried about that. No rule was broken here, except for the mistake of leaving Rakesh alone which resulted in three deaths.

“Who was there during interrogation?” Sakshi demanded, looking at the ex team mates who stayed silent, “Guys?”

“I was.” Arjun forced the words out.

“And?” The former looked around, crinkling her brows, “Wait a minute, where is Riya?”

“Leave.” He gave her a sharp look, then turned to Madam Director, “I will gather everything, forensic, confession audio and video recording, charges and evidences.”

She nodded, “Raghu sir said there are talks of SIT, once it’s decided we need to present everything. You do that.” Then looked at his squarely, “How did the interrogation go?”

Everyone present there knew Riya interrogates more with hands than with mouth, and the implication was clear. But thankfully, nothing short of that happened here, even though a voice in his head nagged about the photos she showed to the Mother, “It was clean.”

She stared for a while then slowly nodded, accepting it, “Send it to me once you retrieve it.”

Once the team dispersed Aisha made mental notes to what to do next, completely oblivious of how Rawte had stood back, “Ma’am?” She looked up, startled.

“Don’t you think we should call her back?” His eyes glanced at her usual seat in the farthest corner of the table. From the moment he had heard she was on leave for indefinite period of time, his eyes often lingered on the empty seat, an uneasiness making his chest heavy. It was a relief that nothing was related to Sahay or IB for that matter, but he hoped everything was fine on the personal front. They all knew next to nothing about her family, besides Madam Director.

She shook head, “Let her be. I will call back if it’s necessary.” Squaring her shoulder, she asked, “Anything else?”

He shook head, eyeing the empty chair yet again. By then, the Senior officer had left.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 

Ariyana Ranwat smiled slowly as she woke up, “At last, you came.” The sedatives made her head heavy and she could feel the tightly wrapped bandage around her left feet, but the sight of her granddaughter along with grandson hovering was enough to make her happy.

Riya sighed in relief, “You didn’t have to pull the stunt to make me come here.”

“I asked you so many times to visit. You gave excuses.”

“Well,” Sravan drawled, coming to stand closed with a side eye towards his sister, “good to know she also don’t listen to you.”

The older woman fixed him with a look, “No need to be so callous, Sravan.” But further conversation was cut short when nurse entered along with a male attendent, forcing the duo outside of the private room, alone with each other once again. Riya busied herself with her phone, desperate to avoid the unfinished conversation of the previous encounter.

“Are not you going to answer me?” Sravan huffed, looking at her phone with irritation, “What exactly is so important?”

“Message from office.”

“It won’t fall apart if you are away for 24 hours.”

“Did we ever complaint when you or Dad used to do the same?” She looked up, pissed at his haughtiness.

“It’s a business.”

“Yes, of course. Ranawat business comes first, above everything.”

“Ah, the disdain for the family and it’s name.” He smirked bitterly, trying hard to lower his voice, “So eager to escape it all, right? Changed city, changed name, changed occupation. If only there was option for complete blood transfusion . . . “

“What do you want to hear?” Losing patience, Riya yelled, and was immediately shushed by Sravan, “Apology? Answers? Why does it matter why I left, it’s been years!”

“I want to know what Granny did right and we did not.” He answered quietly. She looked away, muttering to herself.

“Now you care.”

“Excuse me?” Of course, he heard it, “You left, and you are still accusing us? Your audacity truly known no bound.”

“You can’t have it both ways.” She pointed out, “Either I am bad, or you care. Decide and let me know before . . . “

“This will never change, will it? You desperately trying to prove what a rebel you are. Different from others. It has to be your way, or none at all.”

Riya gave a small, sad smile at his words. It all boiled down to that- her ‘rebellious phase’. Which, sadly, she never grew out of. Come to think of it, if she had, a lot of things could have been avoided.

“And this will not change.” She stood up, phone hovering near ear, “You speaking in our parents tone. Now excuse me, my office might fall apart without me.”

She sauntered away, leaving a perplexed Sravan behind.

Aisha picked on the first ring, surprised and also trying to stay calm, “You cant stay one day away from office?”

“Family drama s*cks.” She muttered, then pinched the bridge of her nose, “When you were going to tell me about Rakesh?”

Great, she thought, nothing escapes her eyes and ears, “How did you know?”

“That’s not the point.” She exhaled, “How’s it going?”

“Shit.” The Director admitted, “There might be a SIT. I was looking through the evidences, and forgive me for saying this in such a fragile state,” She paused, “but what the hell were you thinking? Showing Richa’s pictures to her Mom, that too autopsy ones?”

Riya kept quiet for a while, “Boss was there.”

“That’s not the point. I think you can see how it might get twisted, imagine the headlines with that. Not to forget the new lawyer of Richa murder case.”

“That prick.” Riya reached for a cigarette once again, lighting it up, “Saw him. What a clown.”

“Clown who makes a lot of noise.” Aisha sighed, waving a hand to Sameer who hovered outside her cabin, “Hey, you stay there. Take the day. I will keep you posted once anything turns up.”

“And I will fly back.” The call was cut from her end and the Director signaled the Senior officer to enter. He did, looking here and there before standing in front of her.

“I think I messed up.” The former’s eyes widened at that. This day just keeps going better and better.

Apparently, Sameer was in touch with a reporter for scoop. Everyone in the office is in touch with some reporter or others, the communication being two ways more often than not. He did not give any major information, but did let it slip that the ETF second in command was there in the interrogation room, along with another officer. Riya’s name was not mentioned, but the issue remained that a somewhat unethical interrogation might have occurred in the presence of the second chain in command.

She gave a look of disbelieve as he hurried to explain, “I am extremely sorry. The moment the words were out, I knew I messed up.”

She rubbed her face, “I will handle it.”

“I am sorry.” At her silence he soften his tone, “Aisha . . . “

She raised her hand, signaling him to stop, “Thank you for informing me. I will handle it.”

They both had no idea how to do so.

When Riya came back after one successful round of sutta and chewing gum, Mrs. Ranawat was sitting up, leaning back on her seat. In the corner of room Sravan strolled, phone in ears as he gave update about her health to one family member. He grimaced as she entered, then gave a small smile to the older woman and left the two of them alone.

Riya took in the sight of her Grandmother, who was always a parent growing up- punishing her, encouraging her, soothing her and motivating her. She looks almost the same, minus a few wrinkles here and there. Her eyes held the ever present twinkle as she let her stare.

“How you have been?” She inquired, to which the ACP smiled.

“I am not the one in hospital.”

The former kept looking intently and she dropped the pretense- she could always see right through her and Riya could never lie. Feeling tired with everything, she rubbed her face with both of her hands.

“Come here.” Her Grandmother soothed, and Riya rested her head on her lap, sighing at the fingers running through her hair as she closed her eyes.

“What happened?” She asked, and Riya didn’t know what to tell and what did not. There are so many things to inform, but there was neither time nor any energy to spend. Maybe someday.

“I think I need a vacation.” She chose to say instead. The older woman sighed, sensing she will get no answer to her question.

“Then take.” She replied, “I have always told you, Goa beach house is empty. The house that . . . “

“smells like Sun. Yes.” She finished, and silence lingered in the room. This was a temporary quiet, she felt in her bones. Like this was an edge, a precipice to something coming. Good or bad, she did not know, but things will change soon, she can feel that.

Bidding farewell to her Grandmother, Riya waited for her Uber to arrive- it was time to leave. She gave the city around her one last look. Hydrabad had changed alot in over a decade, but at the same time it felt and tasted exactly the same as she left. Maybe the exterior has changed, core did not.

Sravan came to stand near her just as the taxi arrived. He opened the door for her and she gave a nod in acknowledgement, maybe in parting they both can be civil.

“Don’t be a stranger.” He was trying, she recognized the sheer willpower to be calm which she channels everyday and made mental note to say something nice in return.

And then, he had to ruin in by saying these.

“One day she won’t be there. You would not want to be alone.”

It took all of her remaining mental strength to not to punch him in face. Sravan was never good with emotions, less so with words but this was even low for him. In that moment, she gave not a single f u*k about his intention, no matter how good it was. Forcing to look inside the taxi, she got in and shut the door forcefully with a bang.

In the airport, she bought a lot of alcohol. When she remembered she had not touched a single bottle since her spat with Boss, she bought some more. By the time she had landed back in Mumbai, her feet was stumbling while walking.

She was drunk and pissed and it was a horrible combination.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the evening, there was a final confirmation of a departmental hearing regarding the case where everything will be discussed and it will be decided whether there is a necessity for SIT. The core ETF team decided pull an all nighter, preparing A to Z and ticking off boxes once they were done with tasks. Arjun was busy with triple checking the forensic reports Liza had dropped a few hours ago when a steaming glass of cutting chai was kept in front of him. When he looked up, it was Sakshi.

They did not really interact today once she barged in, neither they talked post the day she was unceremoniously thrown out by Aisha. As she stood in front of him, looking as disturbed as he felt, he was not sure how to proceed.

But, manners first, “Thank you.” Then he saw there was no beverage for her, “Nothing for you?”

“No appetite after . . .” She made a vague gesture with hands and he nodded in understanding. This particular day has been hectic- fast and slow at the same time. She also lost ex colleague of hers, that must have been difficult. He can’t imagine the pain and guilt she is having currently.

“You know, the moment I saw the footage of the murder-suicide, I can’t stop blaming myself.” She looked at a particular point in the room before looking up, “If only I had not leaked the info. The media trial started from my ex channel before it was picked up by others. If that had not happened, the case would not have become this much bigger. The more noise we made, the greater damage it caused.”

He tried to comfort her even though she was partially right, “You can’t tell whether or not this case would have become this. Rakesh was an influential man, him being a suspect was a big news.”

“It was solved.” She shook head stubbornly, “You guys were working on it. You were solving it. I just heard the molestation part and was so disgusted . . . “ She clenched her fist, “Also, I was angry.”

Here it comes, he thought to himself and winced internally. The godawful lunch.

“I let my emotion overcome me. I should have waited, seen the outcome of the case. Like I always do. But I was pissed and nothing mattered anymore. And now that I look back, why was I even angry? Did not you tell me time and time, again and again that it was not happening? Then why?”

“Because we hope.” He tried to give a small, sad smile, speaking after a while as her frantic breathing calmed a bit, “Useless hoping. But we do. Without hope, there is nothing.”

“Don’t . . . try to make me feel innocent.” Sakshi denied the comfort.

“I am not. There were mistakes from multiple places. A lot of what if. What if I had not done that, what if that did not happen, what if he did something else. But life can’t go on based on what if. We need to look ahead.” Finishing his remaining tea with a long sip, Arjun stood up, ready to get back to work, “And we hope.”

“You think the hearing will go ok?” She asked.

“We will hope for that too.” At that, she smiled, shaking head. Once he was out of sight, she looked down, sighing, then pulled her hair in a tight pony. Before she can tie it up a cellphone buzzed- not hers, but Arjun’s.

Her mouth opened to call him out, but he was nowhere to be seen. Without looking at the caller ID, she picked up.

“Hello?”

The line went dead seconds later. Odd, she thought to herself, but did not dwell on it further. The night was long and lots of thing to do.

On the other side of the city, not too long after, ACP Riya Mukherjee crashed her gifted sportscar into a lamppost on a national highway. Traffic police on duty came rushing to rescue her, who was conscious but banged up on the head and had a few scratches. The stinking smell of alcohol made them suspicious, and breathalyzer was brought. To none’s surprise, it was way above the legal limit. But they had seen the ETF ID card too, and loyalty and fear for the post made them uneasy- to take her to hospital or to custody. In the end, they decided to ask her if there was someone who can take her home, and Riya thought for a moment.

Sameer Rathore had gone downstairs to take a food parcel ordered by Liza when his phone rang. He was not sure if Riya had left for Mumbai from her hometown or she was still far away, and decided to have a little chat along with a hope that she can help with the major mistake he had done with regards to the tip. While he understood Aisha was exceptionally busy hence they are not talking about it, and though she said she will handle it, it pricked on his consciousness and he wanted to fix it.

But a male voice spoke from the other side. “Jai Hind Sir. Shindey this side, from Bandra Traffic Police department.”

He sensed that something was wrong immediately, “Jai Hind, Sir. How may I help you?”

Five minutes later, he was running through the ETF office to get the keys for his SUV, leaving the remaining stuff bewildered as he pushed and moved past them. He imagined all sorts of worst case scenarios in head, extremely nervous as to what to do next. Now when everything is on edge, she goes and have this accident. How much she is injured and why was he called, he wondered.

Riya pressed a hankey to her head injury and looked just as Rathore’s SUV came to a halt, the man moving out as he sighed in relief. He gave her an once over, hand outstretched to give her a comforting squeeze, but he got the stench of alcohol too, his eyes immediately becoming steely. Shinde, the traffic police constable who was the one pulled her out of car debris and made the phone call, took the ETF office in a corner and whispered. In that moment, Riya did not know what will the consequences- will she be in jail or will she go scott free, and she did not really care, too drained to think anything else. The two men spoke for a while before they shook hands and parted, and she saw a trailer has arrived to move the car debris from the road to clear it up.

“Let’s go.” Sameer spoke, offering a hand. His tone sounded pissed and she wondered what can she say to him to make it better. He was careful and gentle with her- making her seat inside SUV, driving slowly, asking if she is feeling dizzy or any other injury. She can’t feel any pain but she had checked herself, there did not seem to be no broken bones or anything serious.

Last moment saves.

Sameer insisted on full body scan even though it was unnecessary, and the usual jolly officer’s eyes must have given away how angry he was inside that Riya just stared and did not say anything else. He was shaking, and wanted the room to be empty to just yell at the woman sitting in front of him. She was drunk, and driving at the speed of 160. The alcohol limit was so off that someone else in her place would have passed out, but this crazy woman not only was awake, but decided it was a good time to drive. He did not know where was she drinking, but why the heck she wont call an Uber or Ola was his question. The traffic police had let her go just because she was a senior by rank and Sameer handled the rest, or else there would have been a suspension. Not to forget a hysterical Aisha.

He remembered her, and with more anger he realized the reason Riya called him was to avoid a scene with her.

Fine, if that’s what she is hoping. He will give her a scene. Once the room cleared he took a stool in front of her and just stared at her, words failing him. She looked away as well, none of them having nothing to say.

“Were you drinking at home or at Apocalypse?” Sameer remembered Vicky, and even with his eccentricities he had a hunch he won’t let the woman drive in this condition. Riya looked up at the odd question, frowning.

“In flight.”

“In flight.” He repeated, nodding, “From Hydrabad?”

“Yes.”

“For two hours, I guess?”

Sighing, she lowered her head, “Look, I am . . . “

“Don’t even think about apology!” He yelled, making her flinch at the sudden tone, “You are drunk as hell and crash your car? Why the hell you were even driving? And you call me, because you hoped my reaction will be better than Aisha or Arjun. How can you do this?” Standing up, he paced the room like a caged animal, “Can you even imagine what if the traffic police had taken you to a police station? Your career would have been over, damnit! You might not care about your work but did you even think ETF might come under fire because of you? We are already dealing with an investigation!”

Her still figure made him even angrier as she stubbornly looked down.

“Did you see the car, Riya? Look at me.” She obliged and was met with his serious look, “Did you see the car? It’s destroyed. You could have been under that. You could have been seriously injured, or might have been dead.” He stopped suddenly, an awful feeling hammering in his chest.

“Did you intentionally crash the car, Riya?”

She remained silent and he sat down, stunned with the unspoken reply. “What the f u*k, Riya?”

That was the moment she could have come clean. Tell Sameer everything that was going on in her head. How she stared at her phone, cursing Neal for not calling and dreading the same. How she don’t feel like going to office because looking at Arjun hurts. How Rakesh’s words made sense and she almost wanted to use his Gun and press it against her head. How Sravan’s words triggered something dark and awful inside her- she did not have people left about whom she cared, or who cared for her. Seeing her Grandmother, who was her backbone, in hospital was bad enough, no matter the reason, but him saying how she won’t be there one day just made it worst. How she just sat on the car’s bonnet, stared at her phone, making a call.

She had closed her eyes and almost let go off the steering wheel. But she saw something at the last moment, and took the control back. That’s how the car crashed into the lamppost and not into another car.

But she said nothing, just this, “It won’t be repeated again.”

In disbelieve, Sameer called her name, “Riya . . . “

“It was a moment of weakness. I was drunk and was not thinking straight. It won’t happen again.” Shaking herself off, she met his eyes fiercely, “I promise.”

From the look on his face he did not believe her, but she wanted this to end tonight, right here, right now. He probably sensed her desperation and hoped her words to be right, hence he warned, “If you slip, if you miss one day’s of office, if you miss one phone call from me, I swear to God I am telling Aisha. Got it?”

At her nod, he exhaled a breathe he did not know he was holding.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The next day, Sameer nervously looked at the door and checked his watch repeatedly, waiting for ACP Mukherjee to enter. He was still in a state of disbelieve that the last night occurred, but did have the bloodstained clothes inside his locker to prove that it did.

His mind was a whirlwind of emotions since the moment he had dropped her in the apartment. A part of him didn’t want that, wanted her in front of him just in case, but he knew even with what happened, that was a major invasion of privacy, and somewhere deep down he felt she will pull through. He took her gun, just in case as the other woman rolled eyes and indulged him, after promising him repeatedly to meet him the next day in office.

He might be paranoid and this might be extreme, but he did not know what to do with this new knowledge.

They all knew she was struggling. Riya has been struggling for years before they met her, and inside office she kept up her jolly sarcastic mood all the time. At time she will brood and be curt, but she will always bounce back. She had once confessed to him how nothing- mindless sex, alcohol, party- nothing is helping, but even then there were times she will be like the old Riya. This recovery cycle stopped somewhere around the time she came clean to the team regarding Neal and IB, and recently something happened between her and Arjun. She did not even bother trying to keep up the pretense after that.

He thought back on last night when she remained silent as he asked if she intentionally crashed the car, and stopped a shudder. Even though she was trying to be flippant and avoided the topic, the fact that she was driving that fast and wanted to get hurt that bad made him sick to the stomach. Sameer wondered if she had tried to harm herself before too? Did she have these thoughts? Did she hurt herself?

He looked at the door again, fingers clenched tightly in a fist as he tried to calm down. Aisha stood around the corner, seeing the jumpy man inside ETF conference room. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door and entered, greeted by his small, hesitant smile.

“All good?” She inquired. His mind went blank for a moment and the longer he took to response, the deeper her frown went.

“Yeah . . . of, of course.” He stuttered. Get a grip, idiot! he scolded his mind, “Just thinking about the hearing.”

She nodded in agreement, coming closer to sit on the edge of table, “We will see. I am in touch with Raghu sir and other seniors, I think this will go our way.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” Smiling, she paused for a while before taking his hand, “Listen, I am sorry for yesterday. When you said you told that reporter . . . “

“I should be the one apologizing.” He rushed to explain, but she shook head.

“It happens. It’s handled.” He exhaled in relief, “Just be careful, ok? I don’t have to say this to you.”

”Of course.” He nodded, and once the conversation died down found himself looking at towards the elevator once again. Amused, Aisha decided to tease.

“Are you waiting for someone?” His ears heard the question and mouth opened automatically to answer, without even thinking.

“Riya.”

Surprised, Aisha crossed arms over chest, “Really?” just as Sameer turned to her, shocked at his action. His brain scrambled to explain further as she continued, “Why are you waiting on her?”

“The hearing?”

“Ok?” She was not convinced, he could tell. Deciding to take a page from Riya’s book of semi truth and deception, he gave a small smile for damage control.

“I thought you will be upset, so I was thinking to talk to her. You know, old friends and she is also a woman, so maybe she could help.”

Aisha laughed at the answer, “Seriously? You wanted advice from her?” If this was not the office he was sure there would have been some display of affection and he lamented at the loss of it, “Whatever happens, professional and personal, we will always come to each other, ok?”

He stared at the woman at awe, regret eating away at him for hiding the last night’s incident, “Ok.” The two grinned at each other for a few moments, before Aisha turned at the knock on the door.

“Not intruding, I hope?” Riya remarked lightly as she entered, and the ETF director jumped from the table, concern all over her face.

“What the hell happened to your face?” There was a dark blue bruise on the left side of her cheek and a bandage on her temple. Sameer could see her palm bandaged as well, wincing all over at the memory of previous night. Doctors said it was a miracle she had come out almost unscathed.

“I slipped. In the washroom.” His jaw clenched at the lie as Aisha moved closer, almost reaching out to touch the other woman’s injury, “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure? Did you have any broken bones? Any . . . “ Riya raised hand to stop the other woman.

“I had a full body scan. I just came from the doctor. It’s fine.”

“You can take the day off.”

“And miss the chance to cash this injury for sympathy during the hearing? Pss.” Even Sameer had to chuckle at that. The two of them looked at each other, the lightness of her remark fading almost immediately. Aisha looked at each other sensing the tension, but asked nothing in that moment.

“He was waiting for you impatiently.” The ACP gave a side eye at the comment, walking closer to the man as the Director bade the two goodbye. Looking away the penetrating gaze of the former, she cleared throat.

“My gun?”

Sameer slowly took out her gun from his holster and put all the bullets inside, but did not immediately handed it over. She frowned, tapping her feet impatiently.

“What?”

“Did you ever harm yourself?” He asked point blank, the question won’t let him be at ease. Her eyes widened slightly, the question leaving her speechless. The longer the silence stretched on, the faster his heart beat.

“Riya?”

“No.” She replied almost immediately, as if coming back to reality, “No.” He gave a dubious look at the answer and she looked away in irritation, “I am not suicidal, Sameer.”

“How can I believe you after last night?”

“That was a mistake, I told you.”

“How many mistakes you did before last night?” His constant questions made her irritable. Maybe it was a mistake to call him last night, maybe Shree or Chotu would have been better. Hell, anyone from her old IPS batch mates. What was she thinking . . .

But then, she was not thinking. She was blinded in hurt and anger and hopelessness.

“I don’t know how to convince you about my . . . innocence.” She spoke carefully, looking right into his eyes, “I don’t cut myself. I don’t hurt myself in any other way. I had not drank alcohol for a while before last night, I guess my body could not handle it.”

He frowned, “What happened yesterday?”

She sighed, “I was in my hometown . . .”

“Yes, but I think that’s resolved, right? Or else you would not have been here.” He stood up to stand near her, “Something happened after you landed here, what is it? Neal?”

At his name, she visibly flinched, “No.” Her voice was louder. His radio silence is one of the reason of her spiral.

Frustrated, he asked, “Then why . . . “

“Damnit, Sameer! Stop this psychoanalyzing bullshit.” She burst out, having enough of his questions, “I made a mistake, okay? Don’t make me feel I made a bigger mistake by calling you.”

“Do you have any idea how I am feeling since last night? I can’t stop thinking, my mind won’t stop.” He towered over her, “And you . . . “

“I understand, and I am sorry. I will apologize for hundred times . . . “

“And it will fix nothing!” He exclaimed, chest heaving as the two stared at each other. So this is another fallout, her mind supplied. She just keep burning one bridges after another and did not know how to stop.

Before she could answer to that, the door behind them opened again, this time Arjun entering in. He realized immediately by the rage filled look of his best friend’s face that something was wrong, but what was surprising was his target. Sameer and Riya had always shared a good partnership, playing off each other’s humor and intelligence. He wondered what happened or what she has done this time.

He saw the banged up look of the ACP and opened his mouth to inquire on it, concern all over his face.

Then he noticed the gun in his hand- recognizing immediately it was Riya’s.

“What’s her gun doing in your hand?” He asked instantly, and noticed with increased worry how their face became blank. Then, Sameer seemed to glare at her but did not answer, as if waiting on her to explain.

“I left that in office.” She answered slowly, meeting his gaze for a moment, “He was kind enough to keep it safe.”

“You left it in office?” Arjun exclaimed in surprise at her callousness, “Riya, that was irresponsible.”

“Indeed.” Sameer said darkly, still glowering. He thrashed the gun in her hand, “The irresponsibility truly knows no bound.”

He walked out, banging the door on the way out leaving a perplexed Arjun and concerned Riya behind. The latter kept staring at the eccentric ACP as her eyes seemed to fix at Sameer’s retreating figure, an uneasiness inside him that he was missing something huge in here- but he did not know if he had the right to ask or if he should. He had extended a fragile hand for working partnership and she seemed to agree, and maybe getting between his Best friend and the woman who had created havoc in his emotions since the day they met is not the right thing to do right now. Besides, they were grown adult. Just as Sam never interfered between the two, he should not either.

But his internal musing could wait for now- the hearing awaits.

 ++++++++++++++++++++

The ETF team and the senior officers of the department had a hearing regarding the Chaurasia case as media outside make a ruckus, police constables trying to manage them. The each team members goes one by one to answer questions thrown by seniors, though majority is answered by Director Kapoor and second-in-command Rawte, as they were actively involved in each steps of the case.

Which is a good thing, as Riya heard not a word spoken or asked during the hearing.

Her mind was exploding with things happening since last 24 hours- or maybe things happening longer than that. The last straw was maybe Sameer exploding on her this morning, and never she had felt so uneasy and suffocating about any situation. A part of her wants to run away and scream, and another part wants to hide in her apartment and just sit in dark, like an animal burying its head under sand.

If she had any faith, she would have prayed for everything to be over. So that she can breathe again. So that the tightened feeling in her chest eases a bit.

The team sans the Director was dismissed from the hearing as the others discuss and questions some more, and Riya drifted away, mindlessly moving in a direction she did not even notice where it was taking her. Standing at the edge of balcony, she stared at the circus from the 8th floor. When she tried to held onto the railing, her hands shook, and to stop it she gripped the metal tighter, seeing the red spot in her bandage becoming bigger.

Then her phone chimed.

13.10. Friday. 191176. 729060

At first, she just frowned at the strings of numbers, wondering if this was a spam or some code message sent by Rahane. She was not even sure why she thought Rahane would send something like this from a random number when the Man was not in touch with her for days now. And the man had impeccable manners, he would always call her. And he was stubborn, he won’t show anything he gets unless it’s the last resort he had.

Then what the f . . .  her brain froze for a moment, and then she was running.

She ran through the corridors and banged to people, but she only had one person in mind. Aisha needs to see this. She saw the door of the room where they were having the hearing, her teammates nowhere to be seen. Speeding up, she started to head towards that.

And banged hard into Arjun, both of them falling on the floor with loud thud and groaning. The man recovered after a while, immediately turning to her in concern as she seemed to be in daze, his hand hovered over her face to touch her but he made to no move to do so.

“Are you alright?” He inquired as Riya sat up, almost immediately moving, “Hey, where . . . “ This time, he grabbed her arm.

“I need to see Aisha.”

“She is still in hearing, remember?” He glanced at the door before looking at her face again, “Something urgent?”

“Yes.” She turned to him, and he noticed with surprise her eyes seem to come alive with each passing moment, “It’s Neal. He is alive.”

The duo settled inside the medic room, Arjun carefully removing her bandage and deciding to wrap a fresh one as the previous one turned bloody after their collision. Riya’s feet tapped impatiently as she looked far away, and he recognized the action after seeing it so many times that his heart ached. On one side, this new development had given hope to put this to end once and for all, but he also worried what this might do to her in the end.

Madam Director had filled him in regarding the serial killer connection to Neal and how Rahane thought the hacker is dead by now, this time confirmed, but how Riya had vehemently denied about the possibility. Back then, he had a suspicion it might be her emotions clouding judgement, and this case looked as good as solved, albeit with a unsatisfying ending. Now that her hunch was proven right- as usual- he mentally made a list what to do next after informing the team about this development. Crack the message, have team meeting, co-ordinate with IB, make teams, catch the man, end this.

Have her back, like Raghu sir said once.

“So, he is back.” Arjun said softly, shattering the charged silence in the room. Riya looked at him immediately.

“I knew it.” She uttered each word carefully, trying to keep herself in check. The initial madness has subsided by now and she felt like she was getting back her old rhythm after being in haze for so long, “I told Rahane.” Remembering the IB agent, she added, “I need to inform him too.”

“We will do that.” The former dabbed a small ball of cotton dipped in dettol at her wounds, wincing on her behalf as she remained unfazed, “Just wait. Let this hearing pass.” At her nod he focused on tending her wounds, eyes going every now and then at the large gash on her head. He hadn’t asked her how she go it, and even though this moment did not seem like the proper one, he could not help.

 He was always so eager to know things when it comes to her.

“How did you get these?” He gestured at the wounds. Riya stared blankly at the question, and he could feel her thinking about the answer before speaking. She did it so much these days that he wondered whether she was omitting truth to protect the other or she processed the emotion before answering.

Then, she sat up as if brushing herself off, and he unknowingly mimicked, “Well,” There was the familiar drawl in her tone, “the official version is that I slipped in the washroom.”

Smiling to himself, he asked, “And what’s the unofficial one then, may I ask?” When he looked up, he was taken aback at the ferocity of her gaze fixed on him. Suddenly, he was not sure if he wanted to know the whole story.

“You might have noticed the absence of my sportscar.” He did, actually, and so did others. At his hesitant nod she nodded back, “I crashed it. Last night.”

Drawing a sharp breath at the callous way she informed him, he exclaimed, “What?!” His hand gripping hers tightly, “How?”

“Drunk and idioticity, Boss.” She answered with a long suffering sigh, “Deadly combination.”

“I thought you can’t get drunk.”

She looked at him again with that sharp gaze, “Apparently, I can.”

“Tell me everything.” He demanded, trying to breathe in deeply and not to yell at her. He did not know what worried him most- her accident, or the careless way she was talking about it. He wanted to know everything, if there was a broken bone, where it happened, when, why, every single details. And she indulged him, surprising him.

“Why did you lie then?” He asked, but deep in mind he knew the truth. She did not care much about her wounds, perk of not being able to feel anything he guessed. She dislikes when others fuss over her.

She seemed to deflate at the question, and seeing her made him tired too, “I guess, I just try to let people around me worry less about me. But,” She gave a bitter smirk, “when have I ever succeeded in doing what I wanted?”

Arjun remembered the look of fury on Sameer’s face this morning and asked cautiously, “Is Sameer involved somehow?”

She gave a genuine smile at that, “Up to date on current affairs, are not we Boss?” He tried to give a stern look at the deflection, but failed. They shared a small smile for a moment, soon vanishing in the face of upcoming revelations.

”After Traffic police pulled me out of debris, I did not know what to do, so I called Sameer. He handled it, of course, cause that’s what I was hoping. Yelled at me, not that I did not deserve it.” Their eyes met as words flew freely from her mouth, “He asked me why I did that and I could not answer. So he thinks I intentionally did it. That I will try to intentionally try to hurt myself in the future. He is struggling with the feeling, something he should not have.” She closed her eyes in despair, “Should not have called him, I guess.” A shake of head followed, “When will this chain of bad decisions will stop, I wonder.”

But Arjun was not hearing much after she had mentioned intentionally, and he swallowed bile before asking slowly, trying not to combust at the information she had dumped, “Did you?”

She met his eyes directly, and after a moment replied with a clear, “Yes.”

Shocked, his mouth fell open. He was not sure if he was stumped with the clarity of reply or the reply itself, “Why?”

“Drunk and idiot, Boss.” She repeated, trying to smile, but he shook his head in warning. This was not a matter of joke, he won’t let her, “Won’t repeat, I promise.”

And that was supposed to make it okay? He looked down, glaring at the floor as his brain tried to process. But something else nagged at him, “When did this happen?”

“I just said . . . “ She frowned at he cut her off.

“I meant the time. Cause you called me last night, I saw later. It happened before that or after?” He felt the shiver that went through her hand at his question.

She did not answer for a long time, deer caught in headlight look in her eyes and he gritted teeth, carefully holding her hand as to not crash it in his death grip.

“Riya?”

“After.”

What the f u*k was he supposed to do with this knowledge? She called him and he did not pickup, and she goes and had this accident. By the look on her face, it was obvious him not answering the phone was the last thing she experienced before this. What if the accident was serious? What if that was the last thing she had ever experienced, him not picking up the phone call?

But then, the phone call was answered. Just not by him.

Heart hammering in chest, he tried to swallow, “I was at office last night.”

“I know.”

“We all pulled an all nighter.” He paused, then added slowly, “Sakshi too.” His eyes tried to convey what he wanted to tell, desperately hoping what he was thinking was wrong and this was all a sick joke. Or co-incidence.

“Okay.” She answered softly.

“Don’t.” He cut her off, shaking head vigorously. Unable to contain, he tried to ask at last, “Did you . . . “ But words failed him. Arjun closed his eyes, trying to control his emotions. He both wanted and dreaded to know further and yet he could not stop, “Why did you call me?”

“For no reason, really.” They both knew she was lying. For her, back in that moment, the only reason she called him was to hear his voice. Foolishly, she hoped maybe hearing him even though they won’t be having any proper conversation might ease the heaviness in her chest somehow. She waited for the phone to be answered, pressed the device close to her ears and closed eyes, hoping. And then it was answered, but it was not him on the other side. It was someone else, and the illusion shattered. It did not matter what, who or why, but her momentarily hope was gone and she was thrown into despair once again.

Faith don’t get answered at our convenience. It needs practice and regular followups.

For Arjun, he wanted to know what was so important that she reached out to him last night, after he had so rudely told her off weeks ago that how she did not ever, and it was all her fault. When she did, he was not available, and that might have been the last thing to push her off the edge. But as usual, she did not answer, and it just angered him further.

“You don’t get to do that.” He spoke harshly, eyes blazing, “You have no right.” She had no right to do something like this- letting him be a factor to her world of hurt. Letting him matter to her to this extent that it hampers her sanity like that.

She gave a broken smile, “I know.”

“You don’t get to . . . “ He repeated but stopped at the squeeze of her hold.

“I know. This won’t happen again.” Hoping, especially from him. As he did not want that. So she would stop. Maybe dance at the line of professionalism and casual, flirt a bit, smile a bit. Once it all ends, maybe go back to the start. Save herself and him the further heartache. Be in line. In control.

Control she desperately seek from a long time.

Nobody spoke a thing after this, silence making the tension thick inside the room. Riya just stared at the man cautiously, on one side scared that, like Sameer, this semi- relationship is also destroyed after what she informed. It was enough to f u*ck someone’s mind up, and she can’t blame him if he pretends she don’t exist post this conversation. Like, who needs extra baggage such as hers? But she was relieved too. She desperately wanted an outlet, a relief, and even though there was a lot of things she won’t say to him at this moment (or probably never), or can’t, she was feeling better,

Arjun quickly finished bandaging her hand and just sat with the first aid box in his lap, staring into nothing. Internally, it was a cocktail of shock and sadness, but this was not the time or place to process it. Taking a deep breath, he decided to keep them aside and focus on today.

“Why did you tell me all these?”

She answered after a long time, “I wanted to, I guess.” Then she looked down and smile, “Not many people in my corner, one already down.”

“Hey,” He squeezed her hand, hesitant with his touch, “Sameer will come through. He needs a bit time.”

“He can take it all. Let’s just hope he will join now that . . . “ She made a random gesture and he nodded in understanding. Sam won’t miss the Neal hunting session for anything. He moved to walk out of the room, keeping the first aid box on the side table as it was before. Just as he was about to walk out, he turned to look at the woman, who remained unmoving in her place, her eyes remained on him. Arjun did not know what to make of this newfound gaze of hers- intense, unmoving, realizing and inquisitive at the same time.

He made a gesture for her to move and she blinked, but made no move to do so. Transfixed, even he stood near the door. He felt as if she had something else to say, and he gave her time to do so.

At last, he was rewarded, “Since it’s the confession day,” She seemed nervous all of a sudden, leaving him to wonder what else she has decided to confess to him today, “the other day, the mark on my neck? Was not a . . . lovebite. I was involved in a bar fight.”

He could only stare as his insides went up in flame, anger at himself, ashamed at the humiliation, deep sadness on her behalf as he had hurled such hurtful words to her that day and she never corrected him. He probably also understood, in that moment, that her words to him was an action to his assumption- she was never good with threats or ultimatum anyway. How wrong he was to assume to worst and unload all his frustrations and disappointments on her when he had no right to do so. Did not he always tell himself, again and again, that his feelings are entirely his and not her responsibility? And yet, he somehow accuses her of every shortcoming and disappointments he had whenever his expectations did not match.

“Why did not you . . . “ His mouth went dry and she gave a small, sad smile in return, making his heart ache.

“Did not matter.” Shrugging, she got up, looking at the floor before meeting his eyes again with the small, quick smile she gave earlier, “Just decided to . . clear air, I guess. No more secrets and lies.”

He nodded, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times, “I did not . . . I am so . . . “ But at the shake of her head, he stopped. Even now, she won’t let him apologize. But she will bear all the hateful words and actions even when she was not the only person guilty. Arjun did not know what to call it- martyr feeling, carelessness, or deep self loathing that she did not think she even owed an apology from anyone.

His eyes became warm and he looked away to hide them which was surely to be red.

“We should,” She said, motioning ahead. He gave her a wide berth to move and she walked out, leaving him to stare as she vanished.

When its all over, he vowed to himself. He will sit down with her and apologize. He will ask more, probe more, try to share her pain and hopes and soothe her pain. Try to take away her guilt, take whatever she offered. This time, he will do better- no ugly words, no grey areas where he would not be sure what to expect and what not. He would be clear and he would ask for nothing.

He will wait because that’s the right thing to do. Like Sameer had told him before.

He will wait until she reaches to the middle, and even if she don’t, that will be okay.