Abhira SS: Silently Suffering

Silently Suffering

“Akshara, is it really you humming to this song? After six long years, it is the first time I have heard you hum to a song!”

After one horrific ordeal that unfaithful day, Akshara Goenka lost her voice, identity, and carefree, bubbly spirit. She was no longer the naïve, innocent girl who healed the deepest sorrows of the soul with her melodious voice.

With the traumatising incident still plaguing her mind and soul, the butterfly had curled her wings inwards and receded into her cocoon. It has been six years, yet those wings have not yet unfurled.

Now and then, the wounded soul would peek at the rising sun and welcome the warmth of the sunlight on her face. Her heart would fill with hope, giving her just enough courage to make it till the next day.

A small smile would grace her lips, and her heart would jump with joy, her heart skipping a beat, just enough to bring her racing mind back to reality.

Amidst the chaos in Akshara’s heart and mind, her son, Abhir, was a ray of hope. A genuine smile and warmth filled her soul whenever she laid her eyes on him. In the darkness of the night, he was her rising sun.

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Anger brings out the worst in a person. When people see red, they lose their ability to reason and differentiate between right and wrong. To them, the happenings of their surroundings are blurred, and the only thing that matters is their anger.

Abhimanyu Birla has always given in to his anger. His anger has always taken a front-row seat, with his heart and mind chained in the back, struggling to break free from their bonds.

The last six years have taught Abhimanyu to chain his anger and let his heart and mind come through. He has given up his ways of being a hot-headed obedient son and has instead understood the error of his mother’s suffocating love.

A shell of a person hollowed out from years of decay brought on by his anger and actions, Abhimanyu drags through the days with a fake smile plastered on his face. Only the four walls of his room have witnessed his vulnerability, curled into a fetal position, holding onto the lucky charm that was once there forever.

Light has forgotten the path to his room, barricaded and forever locked outside by the veil of thick curtains. But today, a beam of light found its way inside, dancing on Abhimanyu’s face, and for the first time in six years, a serene smile was plastered on Abhimanyu’s face instead of pain.

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A crack in the cocoon of the silent butterfly and a knock by a ray of the sun in the dark abysses– what transpired after six long years that brought hope and ignited a spark of life into these lost souls.

Fate has a mysterious way of tangling the threads of life and bringing people together, but it doesn’t always work how it’s supposed to.

Beautiful, please continue!

This is amazing! Love it! I love how you explained both of them!

Lovely pls continue 💖💖

This is beautiful...you should continue

Part I

The light of dawn seeped into Akshara's room as she rubbed her bleary eyes and walked to the window. There was a pearly glow in the sky. The dawn chorus of melodic birdsong drifted in through the open windows.

A soft smile graced her lips as she witnessed the birds weaving in and out of the thick foliage, soaring to new heights with the rising octave of the song. A warm feeling bubbled in her heart, fluttering to escape her throat. Her heart ached to join in and harmonise with the birds. But no sound escaped her throat. Yet another reminder that even after all these years, her voice was still shackled to her past.

"Akshara beta, neeche aajao, nashta taiyaar hai!"

Garima Dadi's voice broke her out of her trance, just like six years ago, when she found her walking aimlessly on the streets of Udaipur. She was a lost child, drowning in her trauma with the walls of sorrow and despair rapidly closing around her. Garima Dadi rescued her from herself, held onto her hand and brought her to the shore. And since that day, she has blindly reached out to her whenever she found herself drowning yet again.

Letting go of her thoughts, she made her way downstairs only to find Garima Dadi struggling to carry multiple plates of snacks from the kitchen.

"Dadi, aapse kitni baar kaha hai ki yeh sabh kaam aap mujhpar chod dijiye. Aapki tabiyat waise hei theek nahi rehti hai aaj kal, yeh sabh karengi toh tabiyat aur bigad jayegii. Aur aap toh janti hei haii ki aapke alawa mera iss seher mein aur koi nahi hai aur main baaki sabh logo ki tarah aapko nahi kho sakti hoon"

Garima Dadi looked at Akshara with motherly affection on her face. Akshara reminded her of her daughter, who had left her at a very young age. Over the years, she had witnessed Akshara slowly build a life for herself.

The day she found her, Akshara sitting under a tree with a hollow look in her eyes, unaware of her surroundings. One look into her eyes, and a person could make out that she was barely holding onto her emotions.

Garima Dadi had not expected that she would be engulfed in a bone-crushing hug as soon as she tried to talk to her. What was even more shocking was to hear the gut-wrenching sobs that broke out of the girl.

They sat under the tree till her sobs turned into soft sniffles, but Akshara's grip on her never loosened. As if she was afraid to let go of her. Her pallu in her fisted hands reminded Garima Dadi of the small child who holds onto her mother for dear life, afraid of getting lost in the crowd.

Unable to loosen Akshara's grip, she took her to her hotel room. Garima was visiting Udaipur for work and had planned to return the following day. But fate had chosen a different path for her.

Over the course of the next two weeks, she tried finding information regarding Akshara's family, but everything led to a dead end. Akshara's silence and the persistent hollow look in her eyes scared Garima Dadi. The fragile girl had barely eaten anything in the past 14 days and would often wake up screaming. Garima was worried about her mental and physical health.

"Arrey beta, mai abh bilkul theek hoon. Aur kisne kaha ki aapka iss sehar mein aur koi nahi haii."

"Haan badi dadi, mumma toh mujhe bhul hei gayi. Aaj itna late hogaya aur mujhe uthaya bhi nahi aur abh bol rahi hai ki who kisi aur ko nahi janti Kasauli mein. Mai invisible hoon kya?"

Abhir.

Akshara's eyes light up, looking at the sweet innocent boy standing atop the stairs. Wearing his Spiderman night suit and his favourite action figure in his hand, he reminded Akshara of her own childhood days. The blissful time when she woke up without a care of the world.

The subtle change in Akshara's demeanour and a change in her aura was not gone unnoticed by Garima Dadi. The small upward curve of her lips, which Akshara was barely able to hold onto, had turned into a full-blown smile as soon as her eyes landed on her son, Abhir – the reason for her existence.

Unknown to Abhir, he was the reason for her mother's existence. After all, the news of her miracle baby had jolted Akshara out of her trance all those years ago.

Six years ago, after staying in Udaipur for more than two weeks, when Garima Dadi could not find any information regarding Akshara's family, she decided to bring Akshara to Kasauli.

Worried about the unknown trauma suffered by Akshara and owing to her weak health, Garima Dadi was hesitant about travelling such a long distance with her. Even the mention of a doctor or hospital would result in Akshara having a panic attack and struggling for each breath.

Unknown to Akshara, Garima Dadi had observed a slight bulging of Akshara's stomach and how she unconsciously used to caress her stomach all day long. She suspected Akshara of either being pregnant or having recently lost her child, both scenarios requiring immediate medical attention.

Concerned about her well-being, Garima Dadi called for a doctor for Akshara. She was worried about her panic attacks, but her deteriorating physical health was even more concerning.

Akshara had thrown a fit on seeing the doctor donned in her white coat with a stethoscope around her neck. After an hour of struggle, Akshara had finally calmed down enough for the doctor to approach her for a check-up.

What transpired further saved Akshara's life that day.

Garima Dadi vividly remembers witnessing a small spark of light in Akshara's eyes as soon as the doctor revealed that she was pregnant.

"Mera bacha" as soon as these words escaped Akshara's lips, she broke down into tears, but this time those tears held hope.

It was the first time Akshara had uttered a word in the last two weeks. And finally, on that fateful day, Garima Dadi learned that the fragile child she was addressing as beta till now was named Akshara.

And unknowingly, the five-year-old Abhir standing on top of the staircase saved his mother from drowning that day. The only reminder of her past that brought joy and happiness in Akshara's life.

"Invisible ke bachhe, chal jaldi neeche aaja aur nashta karle. Subah se 4 baar uthane aa chuki hoon tujhe but hamara sehzaade ko toh uthna ka mood hei nahi thaa," Akshara calls out to Abhir while plating a dish for him.

"Arrey, mumma, main invisible ka bacha nahi hoon, mai toh aapka bacha hoon naa," Abhir replies while bounding down the stairs.

"Haan, mera bacha. Sirf mera bacha hai tu"

Akshara hugs Abhir tightly as soon as he reaches the last step. Unknowingly, Abhir had brought out Akshara's buried insecurities to the surface. She can't imagine her life without Abhir in it. Her days and nights revolved around him and his happiness. It was his presence, his smile that gave her the strength to push through her trauma all those years ago.

After all, he was her shining beacon who saved her from the overpowering noise of her thoughts. And now, whenever her thoughts tried to overpower her, all she had to do was reach out for her son's presence to soothe her terrified heart.

The memories of the day when she lost everything are still fresh in her mind. The ever-present weight on the edges, biding their time to find the smallest crack in her wall to push through.

The first few months of carrying Abhir are a blur to Akshara. She hardly remembers the day when she found out that one of her babies survived. But she vividly remembers her feeling and flashbacks which were bombarding her head as the doctor checked her.

Beta, ek baar doctor se check up karwale. Tune pichle 2 hafto se theek se kuch khaya bhi nahi haii. Aur kamzori aajayegii. Aur phir humne mere ghar bhi toh jaana hain aa? Agar tu theek nahi hougi toh hum safar kaise karenge?

Garima Dadi had tried her best to get any sort of reaction out of her Akshara as the doctor was trying to help calm her down.

The sight of the white coat and stethoscope had let her spiral down to the sterile white walls of the Birla Hospital which held nothing but pain for her.

(Thoughts which were going on in Akshara's mind while the doctor tried to check what was wrong with her health)

Akshara couldn't believe her babies were gone. Her little ones, the ones she was supposed to hold in her arms and watch grow up, were gone. It was a cruel joke like life itself had decided to rip her heart out and stomp on it.

She should have known something was wrong. She should have felt it in her bones and soul. But she hadn't. She had been happy, excited, and filled with so much love for the tiny, growing life inside of her. And then, in an instant, it was all gone.

The doctor's words continued to haunt her every moment of every day. "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat." It didn't make sense. How could her babies be dead? She had done everything right, eaten well, exercised, taken her prenatal vitamins, and loved her babies with everything in her. Why did it have to end like this?

She felt like such a failure. Her body had failed to do the one thing it was supposed to do, protect her babies. And now, she was left with this emptiness, this void that could never be filled.

She was angry. Angry at the world, at God, at herself. She didn't understand why this had to happen, why her babies. She felt as though she were drowning in a sea of grief, alone in this cruel, unfair world.

She missed her babies so much. She missed the future they were supposed to have together. It was like a part of her had died with her babies, and she didn't know how to move forward.

But she had to. She had to find a way to honour her babies' memory and keep them alive in her heart. It was the only thing that brought her even the tiniest bit of comfort.

So she grieved, raged, and cried. She did whatever it took to survive this loss, even though she knew she would never truly be the same.

After all, she grieving for the loss of not 2 but 3 babies. Neil was not only her best friend but he was like her first child. She needed to honour his memory, honour his sacrifice, honour the sacrifice of all her babies.

"Garima Jii, do you know her medical history? It appears that she is pregnant but physically she is extremely weak. It appears she has suffered some kind of physical trauma. I need her to come to my clinic for an ultrasound to check on her baby's health."

"Pregnant? Mera bacha!"

And before Garima Dadi could reply, for the first time in 2 weeks she heard the fragile girl speak and cry her heart out for her baby.

Sitting in the cold doctor's cabin, waiting for him to confirm the news, Akshara has her eyes closed trying to block out the sound of the doctor's voice as he tells her that one of her babies survived.

Her mind takes her back to when she first out she was pregnant. She was overjoyed, ecstatic even. She remembers the first ultrasound, seeing those two little hearts beating on the screen. The feeling of being on top of the world, like nothing, could go wrong. After all, she had her Docman, her Abhi with her. How could anything possibly go wrong when he was by her side?

Akshara is happy for her baby, but there's another part of her that feels conflicted. How can she be happy for the surviving twin when its sibling didn't make it? She tries to imagine what life would have been with both of them and with their Neil Chachu.

She knows she should be grateful for the life growing inside her, but the grief is overwhelming. It's like a tidal wave, crashing over her again and again. She tried to hold on, to keep her head above water, but it was so hard for her right now.

Akshara looks at the ultrasound image of the surviving twin and tries to feel some of the connection, some sort of joy. But all she feels is the pain, the anguish, the emptiness of the loss.

She didn't know how to go on. She didn't know how to be happy for this one and mourn the loss of the other at the same time.

Her heart was shattered into a million pieces, but somehow, someway, she would find a way to pick up those pieces and keep going because that's what mothers do. They keep loving, they keep hoping, and they keep dreaming of what could have been.

Over the next 6 years, Akshara slowly picked up the broken pieces and mended them as best as she could. She did it for her Abhir. She did it to honour Neil's memory. She did it for Garima Dadi who cared for her like her daughter.

"Badi dadi, mumma ko bolo na mujhe chode. Itna tightly kyun hug kar rahi hai who mujhe? Mujhe bhook lagi haii, kachori khani haii."

Abhir tried to free himself from Akshara's grip, but she was not ready to let him go. Her memories were trying to get the best of her and she needed him near her, to assure her heart that he was not going anywhere.

"Abh tu hai hei itna pyaara, ki tujhe chodne ka mann hei nahi karta hai."

Akshara kisses the top of Abhir's head and finally lets him go. They settled around the breakfast table, enjoying each other's company. A content and happy family.

Loving this akshara

I always thought how can abhimanyu specially a doctor didn't understand the trauma Akshara was facing.

well i hope I can see abhinav here 🤗

Part II

As the first rays of the rising sun stretched out, like fingers trying to penetrate the thick curtains, the room remained shrouded in darkness. The man lay on one side of the bed, his grasp on a bracelet tighter than a ship's anchor holding onto the seabed. The other side of the bed lay empty and lifeless, like a desert where nothing but sand and dust rule. It was a stark reminder of the absence of a love that was once there but was now lost in the sands of time.

The room was filled with the belongings of a woman, scattered like the remnants of a storm that had passed through. But the room lacked the feminine touch and presence that had once filled it with joy and laughter. It was as if the man had tried to keep the memory of his love alive, through the scattered jewellery, dresses and sandals. But the room, like his heart, remained devoid of life and vibrancy.

For six long years, the man had lived in the shadows, much like a flower that had lost its petals and its will to bloom. His existence was like a rudderless ship, lost at sea, with no direction or purpose. The light of his life had been extinguished, and in its place, he had created a void that even the morning sunlight could not penetrate.

The man who lay on the bed was a mere shell of the person Abhimanyu Birla once was. He had been a handsome man, with a masculine build that had drawn attention wherever he went. He had been proud of his hair and physique and had spent hours grooming himself to perfection. But now, he lay there with a rugged appearance, his muscular build lost to the passage of time. His hair was unkempt, and stubble covered his face, reflecting the emptiness that had engulfed his life.

The love he had for his hair and appearance had long vanished, replaced by a sense of hopelessness and despair. There was no one left to admire his looks, and the very thought of it seemed meaningless. He missed his Akshu, who had been the one to pepper him with kisses first thing in the morning, and who had always been jealous of anyone who so much as looked at him. She had been the one to bring light into his life, and without her, everything had become meaningless.

Now, he lay there, lost in his own thoughts, reminiscing about the past, and wondering where it had all gone wrong. He felt like a ship that had lost its anchor, drifting aimlessly in the sea. The man who had once been full of life, energy, and passion had now become a mere shadow of his former self.

Abhimanyu’s days passed by in a blur, and time seemed to have lost its meaning. He longed for the touch of his Akshu, for the warmth of her embrace, and the love that she had showered on him. He missed the way she used to look at him, with those eyes that were filled with love and adoration. But now, all that was left was the memory of her, a memory that seemed to grow fainter with each passing day.

In his heart, he knew that he had lost everything that was dear to him, and that nothing would ever be the same again. Abhimanyu was a man without a purpose, without a direction, and without the love that had once given meaning to his life. The shell of the man that remained lay there, lost in his own world, with nothing left to hold onto except for the memories of the past.

But Abhimanyu had made a choice, a choice to keep his life shrouded in darkness, like a cocoon that held within it the memories of his love. He had chosen to live a life of solitude, a life that was his and his alone, like a ship sailing across the seas with no passengers to share its journey.

And so, the room remained dull and gloomy, like a winter's night that never ended. Abhimanyu’s heart, much like the room, remained empty and void, except for the memories of his love that he held close to his heart. It was a life of solitude, but it was a life that Abhimanyu had chosen, for he knew that the light of his life, his Akshu was no longer with him, and he had decided that he would never let another light enter his room.

The shrill sound of the alarm clock roused Abhimanyu from his slumber. And just like every day, he reached out to the cold spot next to him, in the hope of finding a sleeping Akshara next to him.

And like clockwork, Abhimanyu follows his monotonous and mundane routine of getting dressed and plastering a fake smile on his face before exiting his room. Before moving downstairs, he double-checked that his room was locked and off-limits so that no one can enter his safe haven in his absence.

Locking his door and carrying a key with him at all times was a bit extreme, but Abhimanyu could not trust his mother to not enter his room in his absence.

Abhimanyu loved his mother and respected her emotions and feelings. She has always been his first priority in life, even more than his wife. But the last 6 years have taught him that his mother’s view of right and wrong was delusional.

Spending most of the time in the darkness of the room with his thoughts made him reflect on his relationships. It had taken Abhimanyu months to come to terms with that his mother is delusional in her love. It was a bitter realisation on his part that his mother’s love for him was toxic. It was slowly feeding on his happiness and his relations. In order to honour his love and care for her he had unknowingly caused pain and dishonour to his other familial relationships.

And it had cost him his dearest relation. His Akshu.

His mother, Manjari Birla had gone to extreme extents to remove every memory of Akshara from Birla Household. No one was to ever utter her name. Her songs which used to be played throughout the day to keep the atmosphere lively and cherry were discarded in the bin as if they were some sort of disgusting waste.

There was not a single picture of his beautiful wife in the house, except in his room. All that remained of Akshara were the memories that he had treasured in his room. Those memories were his lifeboat which has kept him from drowning.

His mother had already tried to clear out his room of Akshara’s memories in his absence. And if he would not have reached home on time on that fateful day then everything would have been lost.

And since that day, Abhimanyu had made it a point to always lock his door before leaving the house. He was thankful for his little spies, Roohi and Shivansh who would inform him if anyone tried entering his room.

Abhimanyu made his way to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. As he sipped the hot, bitter liquid, he would stare out the window, lost in his thoughts. He no longer enjoyed meals with his family. The breakfast table was always filled with heavy tension. Instead, he enjoyed setting up an outdoor picnic for his two little muchkins. Their happiness was the only thing that mattered to him.

Abhimanyu was a product of a toxic relationship between his mother and father. From a young age, he was subjected to matters which should not have been discussed in front of children. His innocent mind had painted a picture which was far from reality and over the years it had become his reality. His respect and over-the-counter love for his mother were misplaced and in an attempt to find justice for his mother, he had unintentionally caused injustice to his father.

And now, Abhimanyu had taken it upon himself to not let the innocent heart of the Birla children be tarnished by the spiteful talks of the adults. He wanted to preserve their innocence and let them enjoy their childhood.

“Chachu!”

“Poppy!”

Abhimanyu’s chain of thoughts was broken by the excited shouts of Shivansh and Roohi. A genuine smile graced his lips as he saw them rushing towards him. A jump in their steps as they rushed towards him with their school bags bouncing on their back.

“Arrey aagaye mere munchkins. Chalo abh jaldi se picnic set up karte haii. Warna phir school keliye late hojayenge,” Abhimanyu replied while engulfing them in a hug and keeping their school bags aside.

“Poppy main toh kabse ready thi. But Shivu bhaiya ne late kardiya”

“Nahi chachu, maine late nahi kiya. Yeh Roohi ki bacchii ni late kiya hai. Kabse apni butterfly hair clip dhoondh rahi thii.”

“Nahi, Shivu bhaiya ne late kiya!”

“Roohi chuhi ne late kiya, maine nahi!”

“Achha bas karo dono, kisine late nahi kiya haii. Maine late kiya hai aur iss se pehle aaj ki picnic cancel hojaye, let’s go!”

Abhimanyu picked up both the kids and rushed them to their picnic table.

“Poppy aapke room mein who jo beautiful aunty hai, aap unka song phirse sunaoge aaj”

“Arrey Roohi who beautiful aunty nahi, Chachi haii. Tujhe kitni baar btaya haii”

“Haan pta hai pta hai, but unhe chachi mat bolo warna dida phirse gussa karegii.” Roohi added in a whisper.

The kids were subjected to Manjari’s wrath when they accidentally praised Akshara’s music and played them on Abhimanyu’s phone. And from that day onwards, the kids discussed their chachi/masi only in hushed whispers.

Roohi was in awe of Akshara’s voice and often listened to her songs. She aspired to be a singer like her masi and used to wonder when she would be able to meet her. She was jealous of Shivansh that he had met her as an infant.

Abhimanyu had shared Akshara’s recordings with the kids when they had ventured into his room and found him looking at their photos. Apart from Abhimanyu, only Roohi and Shivansh were allowed to spend time his room.

The innocent kids knew that they were only allowed to talk about Akshara behind the closed doors of Abhimanyu’s room. They were content with looking back at Abhi and Akshu’s memories and getting to know Akshara.

“Bolo naa Poppy, hum woh song phirse kab sunnenge?,” Roohi prompted again.

“Haan chachu, mujhe bhi chachi ka song sunna haii”

“Jo hukum mere aaka. Chalo room mein. Abhi school jaane mein 20 mins hai. Tab tak tum dono meri Akshu ka gaana sun lena but uske baad hum direct school keliye niklenge.”

Abhimanyu gave in to the kids' demands and carried them to his room.

The room was plunged into darkness but no one moved forward to switch on the lights. Roohi and Shivansh were well accustomed to the continuous darkness in Abhimanyu’s room and easily found their way to his laptop.

Powering on his laptop, they were greeted by their last family photo – the Christmas that they all had celebrated together.

“Wow, masi toh ekdum fairy lag rahi hai. Kitni beautiful hai who”

“Meri Akshu se sundar iss duniya mein koi aur nahi hai,” Abhimanyu added while lost in his thoughts.

Looking at Shivansh and Roohi scattered on his bed filled Abhimanyu’s heart with painful longing. This would have been his life with his Akshu and their babies if he had not given in to his anger. His thoughts drifted to that particular day when he lost everything.

The memories of that fateful day still haunt Abhimanyu, even after six long years. The emotions that he felt that day - anger, pain, and rage - were so overwhelming that they clouded his judgment and caused him to lash out at the woman he loved more than life itself. Abhimanyu blamed Akshara for everything that had gone wrong in their lives - the death of his brother and the loss of their twins - and in a fit of rage, he threw her out of their home and their family.

It wasn't until he had a moment to think about what he had done that Abhimanyu realized the enormity of his mistake. The guilt and regret that consumed him were all-consuming, and he knew that he had to make it right. But when he tried to find her, she was nowhere to be found. And so, for the past six years, Abhimanyu has been drowning in his despair and longing for her, consumed by the memories of what he did and the love that he lost.

It took Abhimanyu over a year to truly understand the extent of his actions and words that had caused his relationship to break. As the realization hit him, he was left with nothing but the pain and regret of what he had done. Abhimanyu lost my brother, and that pain was unbearable. But Akshara had also lost her brother. Neil was like a brother to her, her first child and she loved him unconditionally.

But the pain of losing their twins was something else entirely. They were a part of them, a part of Akshara. Abhimanyu didn't realize it then, but Akshara was the mother. The one who felt the life of their children slipping inside her womb. She went through physical, emotional and mental distress during her miscarriage, and Abhimanyu tried to make his pain and emotions larger than hers. But on the contrary, she was the one who carried them, who felt their every movement. And he couldn't even imagine the depth of her pain.

Every day, Abhimanyu wakes up with the weight of his guilt crushing him. The memories of what he did, of the love that he lost, play out in his mind over and over again. Abhimanyu knows he can never fully make it up to her, but all he wants is a chance to ask for her forgiveness. To tell her how sorry he is, and how much he still loves her. But as the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months, Abhimanyu fears that he’ll never have that chance.

Now, as he looks back on all those moments, he feels like a shell of a man. Consumed by guilt, regret, and longing. The pain of losing the love of his life is something that he'll never be able to fully shake. But Abhimanyu still hopes and prays every day that somehow, someday, he'll be able to make it right.

And till that day comes, he will live in this darkness with these two little children as his only light.

This is so emotional 🥺🥺🥺and beautiful. Pls tag me when you update.

I loved it. Please tag me again on any updates! I appreciate it.