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Part 2
Ishita was sitting at home staring at nothing in particular. She shifted to the society wanting to rebuild the relations between Iyers and Bhallas. She doesn't know what that will establish, but these constant fights between them was tearing her apart. She knew deep in her heart that she was the reason everything fell apart. So she was determined to make atleast that right, if she could do nothing to bring them happiness.
Her own mother was angry with her. How can she prove to her mother that she loves them to death when she couldn't inform them that she was alive all these years. Her mother-in-law is sad that she refused to come home. Between both of them she was lost,not knowing how to console them. As if anyone wants her back there, As if she could return back like nothing ever happened. Like Ruhi was alive and the past 7 years were just a nightmare.Sigh.
She was away from all of them but they were all in her thoughts, every sec of everyday. Now that she was here, the reality was so much worse. Living inbetween them but not able to claim any of them as her own was eating her away from within. She was in living hell.Everything was back to chaos and partly she was responsible for this mess. No wonder Raman keeps repeating that she was the bad omen and she killed Ruhi.With that, the long suppressed tears flowed through her eyes.
Before the nightmare could pull her through, she balanced herself and wiped her tears away. There was no need to go there. She knew what kind of mother she has turned out to be. Ruhi was dead because of her and she left her remaining children and went away from them. Adi & Pihu. But today she was so proud of Adi. What a fine Man he has become, always standing for what was right. And Pihu,that daughter whom she left as a one day baby. How cute was she... Just like Ruhi. More tears pooled in her eyes.
The door bell rang, she opened the door absently wiping her tears away and was shocked to see Raman & Pihu there.
"Dr. Ishita Iyer, my daughter Pihu has a bad tooth ache, Can you help her?" Raman's voice pierced through her shock. Then she realized that Pihu was crying into Raman's shoulder.
My baby was in so much pain and here I was sitting idly and reminiscing about times. She became agitated. She didn't know what to do. But she didn't want to show her weakness to Raman, so she composed herself and donned a calm expression and invited them in. She kept searching with her eyes as to what was wrong with Pihu.
She lead them to the cubicle and he gently laid her on the examination table. Pihu, opened her eyes and recognized her with wonder. "Haarwali Aunty, kya aap doctor ho... Please mujhe injection se darr hai.." Involuntarily Ishita's eyes searched Raman who was looking at her so intently. She composed herself and attended Pihu, keeping her engaged in stories like always.
Raman hated Pihu calling Ishita as Haarwali Aunty and her being Ok with that. Seeing them together in one frame actually talking with each other was bliss. He knew this would happen, if he was nearer to her...that was why he avoided it at all costs. He didn't want to get addicted to something which was not real. But his heart never learns and never listens to him, it finds ways to go near her and talks to her.
When she was finally done, Pihu was cranky. He was about to get her, but unexpectedly she clung to Ishita. "Aunty, please mujhe bahut dar lag raha hai, mujhe firse pain agayi to main kya karonga.."
Ishita was visibly shocked, and with trembling hands she hug her back and tried to reassure her that it wont happen again as she has given her the medicine. Her voice shook "Main hoon na, kuch nahi hoga". "Aap please mujhe chodiye mat," with that she cocooned more into her. Ishita closed her eyes and two tear drops fell from her eyes.
His heart broke for Pihu, for Ishita and for the whole mess they were all in. His dream was standing infront of him as reality. How much ever he pulled her away from Ishita, Pihu found solace in her arms. Too lost in the moment he didn't realize Pihu slept off her shoulder.
Without even waiting a sec, Ishita returned her back to him like she couldn't wait to leave her. Which angered him like no other. Doesn't she feel a thing for Pihu, her own child, their dream and she was behaving as if she couldn't wait to leave from there.
He angrily took her from Ishita. With Pihu in his arms he rushed out of the house. His heart was beating like crazy, he wanted to shake her, he wanted to ask her why she doesn't feel anything for Pihu, he wanted to ask her why she left him.
Adi was waiting for him outside the house with an accusation in his eye. "Did you treat my Ishima right?" He gave Pihu to him, asked him to stay with her. Without giving Adi any chance to speak further he rushed back inside. Enough is enough, he can't take this anymore. Ishita will answer him today.
As soon as Raman left from there with Pihu, she rushed to the balcony and broke down. The tooth filer was in her hand and she was holding the balcony rail, pressing her hands tightly to it causing the filer to pierce into her flesh leaving her hand blood stained. Uncontollable sobs took over and she kept weeping bending her head slightly downwards with a defeated posture. That was how he saw her when he returned back.
He didn't know what he wanted. May be he knew. He wants her to come running to him so that he can push her away and then pull her back in. Right, like that was going to happen.
Like always without thinking he lashed out.She didn't have the right to cry. How dare she cry now. "So, you do have feelings, But why are you crying now...You couldn't wait to get rid of your own daughter who was weeping on your shoulder, You couldn't wait to leave us all behind, leave this one day old daughter behind..What kind of mother are you..."
She threw the filer and turned back to him and started shouting. Enough is enough. "I know how bad a mother Iam, or wait Iam a banjh..right, I understood it the first time around when you spoke those words 7 years back ..You don't have to repeat them every day..Infact if you forget any of those lines please ask I will give you the detailed verse.."
"Why are you here, anyway? What do you want form me? Did we not already establish how bad a mother I was...If you really want to know the answer to why I couldn't hold her..It's because I don't deserve to hold her.. I left her, remember. My one day old baby.That baby whom I couldn't even carry in my womb," Once she started she couldn't control her pain..Everything from 7 years and before came tumbling down.
"As if its not enough a declaration that I am a bad mother, you went and made Shagun as the surrogate mother. It should have been an nameless faceless person but no, like all my children Shagun has to give birth to Pihu too. You stripped my identity of being a mother there itself..but I forgave you then and accepted it because I was afraid to loose you and I believed in our dream..I wanted it for you."
Something sharp pierced through his heart...He knew what she was saying was all right..He felt like his own inner self was speaking back to him. He was also glad that finally Ishtia was talking to him, but whatever was coming out of her was so painful to watch and so heartbreaking to listen. He knew he manipulated her, but his ego kept rejecting her words, with an argument that she left him for 7 years. But it was a feeble attempt.
Now that she started she couldn't stop even if she tried. It's like some mad urge to get everything out "And now I come back here to see her as the copy of Ruhi, the one who is dead because of me. It doesn't matter what happened, it doesn't matter whose fault was that she died, but I couldn't save her, I couldn't save my baby the one person who didn't judge me and who gave me everything."
With her blood stained hands she wiped her tears and started pacing in the balcony "I should have known that Iam bad luck what with everything happened in my life before Ruhi, but silly me standing on my self respect and feeling as nothing is because of me and the joke of it, believing myself to be a mother I walked into Ruhi's life and destroyed everything."
Involuntarily she moved to the edge of the rail, missed a step and fell off the rail.
Raman acted on reflex and caught her hand before she could fall off. He was stunned to see her shout and rage, he deserve everything she was shouting at him and now she was dangling in the balcony, any moment she could fall down and break her neck. But what really scared him was the expression on her face. She was so peaceful like she couldn't wait to leave them all. "Raman leave it, everything will be alright now.."
He pulled her up with all the force he could muster and when she finally landed on the balcony he started shouting at her, simultaneously shaking her "Are you mad!!! What if something happens to you.. How will I survive again. How can you think that I will loose you again. I don't matter to you. I never mattered to you. Even when we lost Ruhi, you gave up and ran. Like you couldn't run away from me. My pain didn't matter to you"
Ishita looked sadly at him. "Raman the irony..Don't you want me dead."
"Pagal aurat, this is what you know me in all these years. This is what you understood...I want to give you the same pain that you give me just by breathing and not being near me, not standing by my side and not taking me in your arms even after you being back. I want to make you feel something, anything for me. Even if it is hatred, I just couldn't take your indifference."
She slapped him hard and shook him, "Make me feel, You fool. You made me bleed..I was dead with out you all these years...But you, everything has to be about yourself, The Raman Kumar Bhalla...His anger, his pain, his outlash. You know what Raman I am done lying to myself..I can't forgive you, because the one person who made me complete, stripped out my identity in the same breath"
Her words were killing him and soothing him in one go. He knew he wronged her so much. "I didn't mean any of the words 7 years back and I don't mean anything I speak these days. I was so guilt-ridden after Ruhi's death, I was afraid and scared for us and I lashed out on you. I was afraid that you would leave me too like everybody else. And just that happened."
"Do you know what your desertion did to me...How I breathed each day and how I finally survived, only I knew. I couldn't even die like you, You took the easy way out. I had Adi & Pihu to consider. What would happen to them, their mother already left them. I lived everyday in guilt and misery, and I couldn't even complain. Because that was my punishment for those words I said to you."
She couldn't take that anymore...She never wanted Raman to be miserable. She cupped his cheeks and slowly wiped out the tears, looking into her eyes he continued speaking "You left me when I needed you the most, You left me at my ugliest, like I always believed you would. You should know that I didn't mean any of those things, why didn't you know. Otherwise you would be slapping me every now and then, You even did it today. Why didn't you do that 7 years before. Why did you accept everything I said and walked away from me."
"Because Raman, you hurt me the most where it mattered. Deep down I was always afraid that I was not enough for you all. That is what happened, I couldn't save Ruhi."
He couldn't bear the distance any longer, he hugged her hard and she reciprocated it with equal vigor. They both began crying again but at the same time they found peace after so many years.
"It's not you, its me. I killed Ruhi. It was my plan to exchange the kids, knowing Nidhi I should have guessed that she would do something stupid. I could never forgive myself for that" With the guilt of 7 years tumbling down from him he cried into her shoulder.
She cocooned him closer and replied to him "No its all our faults. Not yours alone..We failed Ruhi. How I wish we could turn back the clock in the past 7 years.."
When he was done crying he looked into her eyes and earnestly appealed to her "As for Pihu, I knew what I did was wrong making Shagun the surrogate. I realized it soon after the haze lifted off. In my obsession to give you a baby I made some irrational choices which will haunt me all my life. Maybe it's because of that you didn't get anything which I always wanted you to have. You missed every first gesture of Pihu, just like Ruhi.."
"No Raman, Thank You for Pihu. She is wonderful, I always understood you in that but somewhere it took you opening up to me to finally claim Pihu as mine."
He disengaged form the hug and spoke to her cupping her cheeks with his hands. "Ishita, lets start again, please forgive me for all the pain I gave you, all the words I said.I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I need you. Now that I really experienced the pain of loosing you, I can never take that chance again. I will try with all my being to be worthy of you.I will make it up to you in every way possible..Please give me another chance.."
"Raman, Iam so afraid to say yes, but I too couldn't live any other way. This distance between us is killing me more than you. I can not live without you too...Please forgive me for deserting you...Let's start over " With those final words she closed her lips on his.
After a while they were sitting in the balcony just gazing at the stars and the sky. Ishita's head was on his shoulder, and their hands were interlinked. "Raman, Didn't you forget something, like your marriage with Shagun? " She asked playfully.
He looked blankly at her, like he couldn't comprehend what she was speaking and when finally he did, he answered back. "Bewakoof Madrasan, Iam still married to you. How can I marry some random person. You were supposed to remind me that and stop of the marriage. But madam ko koi parva hi nahi hai."
"Iss madam ko bahut parva hai. She was just waiting for the right moment. You know, like at the mandap." She winked.
"Dramebaaz...bilkul Pihu ki tarah.." He side hugged her and planted a kiss on her forehead.
Ishita was sitting at home staring at nothing in particular. She shifted to the society wanting to rebuild the relations between Iyers and Bhallas. She doesn't know what that will establish, but these constant fights between them was tearing her apart. She knew deep in her heart that she was the reason everything fell apart. So she was determined to make atleast that right, if she could do nothing to bring them happiness.
Her own mother was angry with her. How can she prove to her mother that she loves them to death when she couldn't inform them that she was alive all these years. Her mother-in-law is sad that she refused to come home. Between both of them she was lost,not knowing how to console them. As if anyone wants her back there, As if she could return back like nothing ever happened. Like Ruhi was alive and the past 7 years were just a nightmare.Sigh.
She was away from all of them but they were all in her thoughts, every sec of everyday. Now that she was here, the reality was so much worse. Living inbetween them but not able to claim any of them as her own was eating her away from within. She was in living hell.Everything was back to chaos and partly she was responsible for this mess. No wonder Raman keeps repeating that she was the bad omen and she killed Ruhi.With that, the long suppressed tears flowed through her eyes.
Before the nightmare could pull her through, she balanced herself and wiped her tears away. There was no need to go there. She knew what kind of mother she has turned out to be. Ruhi was dead because of her and she left her remaining children and went away from them. Adi & Pihu. But today she was so proud of Adi. What a fine Man he has become, always standing for what was right. And Pihu,that daughter whom she left as a one day baby. How cute was she... Just like Ruhi. More tears pooled in her eyes.
The door bell rang, she opened the door absently wiping her tears away and was shocked to see Raman & Pihu there.
"Dr. Ishita Iyer, my daughter Pihu has a bad tooth ache, Can you help her?" Raman's voice pierced through her shock. Then she realized that Pihu was crying into Raman's shoulder.
My baby was in so much pain and here I was sitting idly and reminiscing about times. She became agitated. She didn't know what to do. But she didn't want to show her weakness to Raman, so she composed herself and donned a calm expression and invited them in. She kept searching with her eyes as to what was wrong with Pihu.
She lead them to the cubicle and he gently laid her on the examination table. Pihu, opened her eyes and recognized her with wonder. "Haarwali Aunty, kya aap doctor ho... Please mujhe injection se darr hai.." Involuntarily Ishita's eyes searched Raman who was looking at her so intently. She composed herself and attended Pihu, keeping her engaged in stories like always.
Raman hated Pihu calling Ishita as Haarwali Aunty and her being Ok with that. Seeing them together in one frame actually talking with each other was bliss. He knew this would happen, if he was nearer to her...that was why he avoided it at all costs. He didn't want to get addicted to something which was not real. But his heart never learns and never listens to him, it finds ways to go near her and talks to her.
When she was finally done, Pihu was cranky. He was about to get her, but unexpectedly she clung to Ishita. "Aunty, please mujhe bahut dar lag raha hai, mujhe firse pain agayi to main kya karonga.."
Ishita was visibly shocked, and with trembling hands she hug her back and tried to reassure her that it wont happen again as she has given her the medicine. Her voice shook "Main hoon na, kuch nahi hoga". "Aap please mujhe chodiye mat," with that she cocooned more into her. Ishita closed her eyes and two tear drops fell from her eyes.
His heart broke for Pihu, for Ishita and for the whole mess they were all in. His dream was standing infront of him as reality. How much ever he pulled her away from Ishita, Pihu found solace in her arms. Too lost in the moment he didn't realize Pihu slept off her shoulder.
Without even waiting a sec, Ishita returned her back to him like she couldn't wait to leave her. Which angered him like no other. Doesn't she feel a thing for Pihu, her own child, their dream and she was behaving as if she couldn't wait to leave from there.
He angrily took her from Ishita. With Pihu in his arms he rushed out of the house. His heart was beating like crazy, he wanted to shake her, he wanted to ask her why she doesn't feel anything for Pihu, he wanted to ask her why she left him.
Adi was waiting for him outside the house with an accusation in his eye. "Did you treat my Ishima right?" He gave Pihu to him, asked him to stay with her. Without giving Adi any chance to speak further he rushed back inside. Enough is enough, he can't take this anymore. Ishita will answer him today.
As soon as Raman left from there with Pihu, she rushed to the balcony and broke down. The tooth filer was in her hand and she was holding the balcony rail, pressing her hands tightly to it causing the filer to pierce into her flesh leaving her hand blood stained. Uncontollable sobs took over and she kept weeping bending her head slightly downwards with a defeated posture. That was how he saw her when he returned back.
He didn't know what he wanted. May be he knew. He wants her to come running to him so that he can push her away and then pull her back in. Right, like that was going to happen.
Like always without thinking he lashed out.She didn't have the right to cry. How dare she cry now. "So, you do have feelings, But why are you crying now...You couldn't wait to get rid of your own daughter who was weeping on your shoulder, You couldn't wait to leave us all behind, leave this one day old daughter behind..What kind of mother are you..."
She threw the filer and turned back to him and started shouting. Enough is enough. "I know how bad a mother Iam, or wait Iam a banjh..right, I understood it the first time around when you spoke those words 7 years back ..You don't have to repeat them every day..Infact if you forget any of those lines please ask I will give you the detailed verse.."
"Why are you here, anyway? What do you want form me? Did we not already establish how bad a mother I was...If you really want to know the answer to why I couldn't hold her..It's because I don't deserve to hold her.. I left her, remember. My one day old baby.That baby whom I couldn't even carry in my womb," Once she started she couldn't control her pain..Everything from 7 years and before came tumbling down.
"As if its not enough a declaration that I am a bad mother, you went and made Shagun as the surrogate mother. It should have been an nameless faceless person but no, like all my children Shagun has to give birth to Pihu too. You stripped my identity of being a mother there itself..but I forgave you then and accepted it because I was afraid to loose you and I believed in our dream..I wanted it for you."
Something sharp pierced through his heart...He knew what she was saying was all right..He felt like his own inner self was speaking back to him. He was also glad that finally Ishtia was talking to him, but whatever was coming out of her was so painful to watch and so heartbreaking to listen. He knew he manipulated her, but his ego kept rejecting her words, with an argument that she left him for 7 years. But it was a feeble attempt.
Now that she started she couldn't stop even if she tried. It's like some mad urge to get everything out "And now I come back here to see her as the copy of Ruhi, the one who is dead because of me. It doesn't matter what happened, it doesn't matter whose fault was that she died, but I couldn't save her, I couldn't save my baby the one person who didn't judge me and who gave me everything."
With her blood stained hands she wiped her tears and started pacing in the balcony "I should have known that Iam bad luck what with everything happened in my life before Ruhi, but silly me standing on my self respect and feeling as nothing is because of me and the joke of it, believing myself to be a mother I walked into Ruhi's life and destroyed everything."
Involuntarily she moved to the edge of the rail, missed a step and fell off the rail.
Raman acted on reflex and caught her hand before she could fall off. He was stunned to see her shout and rage, he deserve everything she was shouting at him and now she was dangling in the balcony, any moment she could fall down and break her neck. But what really scared him was the expression on her face. She was so peaceful like she couldn't wait to leave them all. "Raman leave it, everything will be alright now.."
He pulled her up with all the force he could muster and when she finally landed on the balcony he started shouting at her, simultaneously shaking her "Are you mad!!! What if something happens to you.. How will I survive again. How can you think that I will loose you again. I don't matter to you. I never mattered to you. Even when we lost Ruhi, you gave up and ran. Like you couldn't run away from me. My pain didn't matter to you"
Ishita looked sadly at him. "Raman the irony..Don't you want me dead."
"Pagal aurat, this is what you know me in all these years. This is what you understood...I want to give you the same pain that you give me just by breathing and not being near me, not standing by my side and not taking me in your arms even after you being back. I want to make you feel something, anything for me. Even if it is hatred, I just couldn't take your indifference."
She slapped him hard and shook him, "Make me feel, You fool. You made me bleed..I was dead with out you all these years...But you, everything has to be about yourself, The Raman Kumar Bhalla...His anger, his pain, his outlash. You know what Raman I am done lying to myself..I can't forgive you, because the one person who made me complete, stripped out my identity in the same breath"
Her words were killing him and soothing him in one go. He knew he wronged her so much. "I didn't mean any of the words 7 years back and I don't mean anything I speak these days. I was so guilt-ridden after Ruhi's death, I was afraid and scared for us and I lashed out on you. I was afraid that you would leave me too like everybody else. And just that happened."
"Do you know what your desertion did to me...How I breathed each day and how I finally survived, only I knew. I couldn't even die like you, You took the easy way out. I had Adi & Pihu to consider. What would happen to them, their mother already left them. I lived everyday in guilt and misery, and I couldn't even complain. Because that was my punishment for those words I said to you."
She couldn't take that anymore...She never wanted Raman to be miserable. She cupped his cheeks and slowly wiped out the tears, looking into her eyes he continued speaking "You left me when I needed you the most, You left me at my ugliest, like I always believed you would. You should know that I didn't mean any of those things, why didn't you know. Otherwise you would be slapping me every now and then, You even did it today. Why didn't you do that 7 years before. Why did you accept everything I said and walked away from me."
"Because Raman, you hurt me the most where it mattered. Deep down I was always afraid that I was not enough for you all. That is what happened, I couldn't save Ruhi."
He couldn't bear the distance any longer, he hugged her hard and she reciprocated it with equal vigor. They both began crying again but at the same time they found peace after so many years.
"It's not you, its me. I killed Ruhi. It was my plan to exchange the kids, knowing Nidhi I should have guessed that she would do something stupid. I could never forgive myself for that" With the guilt of 7 years tumbling down from him he cried into her shoulder.
She cocooned him closer and replied to him "No its all our faults. Not yours alone..We failed Ruhi. How I wish we could turn back the clock in the past 7 years.."
When he was done crying he looked into her eyes and earnestly appealed to her "As for Pihu, I knew what I did was wrong making Shagun the surrogate. I realized it soon after the haze lifted off. In my obsession to give you a baby I made some irrational choices which will haunt me all my life. Maybe it's because of that you didn't get anything which I always wanted you to have. You missed every first gesture of Pihu, just like Ruhi.."
"No Raman, Thank You for Pihu. She is wonderful, I always understood you in that but somewhere it took you opening up to me to finally claim Pihu as mine."
He disengaged form the hug and spoke to her cupping her cheeks with his hands. "Ishita, lets start again, please forgive me for all the pain I gave you, all the words I said.I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I need you. Now that I really experienced the pain of loosing you, I can never take that chance again. I will try with all my being to be worthy of you.I will make it up to you in every way possible..Please give me another chance.."
"Raman, Iam so afraid to say yes, but I too couldn't live any other way. This distance between us is killing me more than you. I can not live without you too...Please forgive me for deserting you...Let's start over " With those final words she closed her lips on his.
After a while they were sitting in the balcony just gazing at the stars and the sky. Ishita's head was on his shoulder, and their hands were interlinked. "Raman, Didn't you forget something, like your marriage with Shagun? " She asked playfully.
He looked blankly at her, like he couldn't comprehend what she was speaking and when finally he did, he answered back. "Bewakoof Madrasan, Iam still married to you. How can I marry some random person. You were supposed to remind me that and stop of the marriage. But madam ko koi parva hi nahi hai."
"Iss madam ko bahut parva hai. She was just waiting for the right moment. You know, like at the mandap." She winked.
"Dramebaaz...bilkul Pihu ki tarah.." He side hugged her and planted a kiss on her forehead.
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