20 reasons why you shouldn't watch RGV Ki

1. Ram Gopal Varma: After one of his many debacles somebody had registered a title called Ramu Ban Gaya Pagal. Don't be surprised if after Aag, someone makes a film called Ramu Must Die. To put it politely, the man has lost it — whatever he had left that is. You may remake your own Shiva, you may remake your own Satya and call it different names like Company and D, you may even make a wimp of a Godfather but what you DO NOT do Mr RGV is massacre Sholay like this. Forget aag, there's not even dhuan. Laughable caricatures cannot breathe life into the remake of a classic, whose storyline you follow to the minutest detail but claim not to give a damn about its storyline. Ramu ko ek hi aadmi ne khatam kiya hai: khud Ramu.

2. Amitabh Bachchan: 'Introducing Amitabh Bachchan as Babban' screamed the opening credits. The closing credits should have read: 'Finishing Amitabh Bachchan with Babban'. Backing a director is something but supporting his nonsensical vision blindly is unpardonable. And if indeed Amitabh's wish to play Gabbar had given birth to Aag, he's been burnt by that wish. As the only common link — besides a cameo by Sachin — between the two Sholays and as RGV's USP, AB is a disaster. He hasn't hammed this bad — even in Jaadugar. Forget fear, all he can draw from the audience is ridicule. The new Gabbar is one bad joke that goes on and on and on. He hisses, he growls, rolls his tongue, picks his nose, does the Aks laugh, the Agneepath voice, the Black walk... Bachchan as Babban is unwatchable. If for nothing else, give Aag a miss if you have ever liked Amitabh Bachchan on screen.

3. Ajay Devgan: Ajay's attempt at provoking belly laughter is laughable. Nowhere in sight is the infectious innocence of Dharmendra or his rustic charm. All we get here is a streetsmart goonda trying to crack PJs aplenty. Heero manages to murder almost each and every classic Veeru episode but what he does to the famous tank scene has to be seen to be believed. It is probably the worst moment of Aag — and believe us there are many contenders to that crown — and chakki pissing in jail seems a better option than watching a drunk Ajay in action.

4. Nisha Kothari: Perhaps the biggest tragedy of Bollywood in this decade is that the remake of independent India's most popular film is reduced to Nisha Kothari's curves. Will RGV the voyeur never learn?

5. Rajpal Yadav: He has been so funny ever so often but as Rambha Bhai, the man who introduces Heero and Raj to the world of the underworld and cops, he is anything but funny. Squeaking like a headless chicken (our apologies to Ronen Sen) every other second and with "Darling" as his catch phrase, he is an apology of an analogy to Jagdeep's Soorma Bhopali.

6. Mehbooba mehbooba: First Yeh mera dil and now this, somebody spare a thought for Helen. Urmila doesn't look sexy, she is plain cheap and raunchy and makes even Rakhi Sawant seem more Rangeela.

7. The dialogues: "Kabhi kabhi mere bhi dil mein khayal aata hai ki tumhare aankhon mein doob jaoon par sochta hoon tera kya hoga mehbooba?" That's Babbanspeak for you. Do we need to say any more?

8. The camera: Trust us, you will do a better job with your mobile camera. Amit Roy's camera, thanks to RGV's obsession, roves around the place like a watchdog sniffing about at a crime scene laced with hamburgers. Take an aspirin with you. Or better still, just shut your eyes.

9. The songs: It's all noise and no music in Aag. No problem yaar is the theme song of the Heero-Raj friendship but when Raj dies, they play the Yeh dosti theme! Amar Mohile, Prasanna Shekhar, Nitin Raikwar... some music talents are best not encouraged. And the lyrics? With gems like "auto chala doonga", some cotton wool is mandatory.

10. The background music: The cotton wool will come in handy — with the aspirin — to cope with 171 minutes of grating grunge in Dolby. The only soothing moments are when the original Sholay themes play.

11. The climax: The build-up is close to three hours but the final burst is less than three seconds. And as you would have understood by now, Aag is no Kill Bill, which you can end in five steps.

12. The Babban bore: There's no creaking swing swinging in the wind. Why? Because the whole scene of Babban/Gabbar decimating Narsimha's/Thakur's family is just not there. Thanks to this RGV masterstroke, there's nothing, absolutely nothing, to fear Babban for. He is a bore. Period.

13. Missing links: RGV does not change anything from the story but chooses to keep out some of the best parts. There's no angrezi zamanein ka jailor, there's no coin to toss, there's no dancing on broken glass.

14. Wasted opportunity: The best thing about Aag is Prashant Raj as Raj and his romance with Devi (Sushmita) is so much better than the Heero-Ghungroo track. But it's clear where RGV's interest lies — a topless Ajay and a wet Nisha.

15. The start: Remember the dacoit-Veeru/Jai/Thakur face-off atop the train opening Sholay in 70mm? Well, here too a train pulls in — only to bring Heero and Raj to Mumbai from Nashik.

16. Abhishek Bachchan: Yes, he's Jalal Mehbooba Agha. The attempt by baap-beta to recreate a bit of the Kajra re magic falls flat — like the rest of the film. AB Jr looks straight out of the Moto Rokr ad and that's not a good thing.

17. The co-relation: Babbanspeak is peppered with references to the world this week. "America Iraq mein attack karke jo bhool kiya main woh nahin karoonga. America mein, Iraq mein, sab jagah marta hai aam aadmi..." George Bush's speeches are more fun.

18. Wasting Mohanlal: He is God down South. He is a veteran of some of the biggest Malayalam trendsetters. And to make Mohanlal stand there like an obese zombie mouthing half lines like "Loha garam hai..." is criminal.

19. No mention of Sholay: Yes, there was a court case to tackle but there should have been some mention somewhere that this was a tribute/rip-off/dedication to Sholay. All you get to hear in terrible Bachchan ham is: "Ab Babban sholay ban jayega."

20. Credits: An RGV Factory Film. A Ram Gopal Varma film. Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag. Produced and directed by Ram Gopal Varma. Statutory warning: Watching what follows is injurious to health.