ArShi FF: Loving and Un-loving [Ch 3&4: 30/11]

Hi all, 

I had an IPKKND fanfiction on this forum years ago and then life got in the way so I never finished updating it. I however have started writing again recently and have added to the story I thought I would never finish. Here is the start- drop a like or comment to let me know what you think, it really helps with the creative juices! 

-S

STORY INDEX: 

PROLOGUE: Page 1 [below]

CHAPTER 1: Uncertain Beginnings [Page 1] 

CHAPTER 2: Fireworks in my Heart [Page 1]

CHAPTER 3: Splinters [Page 2]

CHAPTER 4: Heartbreak Hotel [Page 2]

Note: This story travels back and forth over the 10-12 years in the first few chapters before it catches up to the present. I have tried to make it as clear as I could in the chapters and put in dates and years to make it easier to understand, but let me know if you have any questions! This is the gradual unfolding of Khushi and Arnav's story that starts when they are in school and continues through college and adulthood, bringing with it all the bittersweet joys, sorrows and heartbreaks of those years! Hope you enjoy it :) 

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PROLOGUE: 'LEARNING TO UN-LOVE'

Present Day: 

It has become harder to write you off. As the years go by, the intensity of my emotions should change. Slowly ebb. But seeing you every time is a punch to my gut— it is as strong as it was the first time, and knocks the wind out of me. 

I guess it is history. In fact, I doubt you even remember how it was to kiss me. Whisper drunkenly in my ear, telling me you were in love with me. Telling me I should have waited, telling me you never thought you were good enough. Ruing the fact that I moved on, without giving you a chance to “make something of yourself”. I wish you had remembered this when we were sober. I wish you had told me you meant it. I would have waited- as long as it took, forever. Because at least then, I wouldn’t feel this burning inside. As if my heart has decided to drop into my stomach and stay there. Unavailable, unfeeling. Except for the longing to just throw myself into your arms, everything else be damned. My wedding. Our friendship. Propriety. I wish the world was that easy. But I never thought you remembered. Or meant it. I thought, and still do, that I was one of the many. Like that night when you held me close and danced with me. When we kissed for the first time. You tasted of whiskey, I remember clearly through the drunken haze. The way your lips felt. The thought makes my heart lurch and my head spin even today, seven years after that night. 

As hard as it is to write this, I need to. I need to get you out of my system, once and for all. I thought you were out, but realised this weekend how foolish and powerless I was! Not seeing you for these three years made it easy for me, to move on and to imagine my life without the hurricane you toss my heart into. Every time. You are like a drug, and it makes me lose control. Of my life, of my emotions. How terrified I am that you will one day find out what I have been thinking all these years. I just saw a message from you, on a whatsapp group, and it made me smile. Your name makes me smile. And then it pushes me into a deep abyss of darkness, where I lose all hope. 

I know I am not yours anymore. I doubt I ever was. Maybe I am overthinking. I am definitely overthinking. But I cannot stop thinking about you. It has been more than two days, and you are still stuck in my head. I worry incessantly about what you think of me. I replay endlessly the look in your eyes when you looked at me. I rewind all our conversations again and again, trying to hunt for a tiny clue to your feelings, or mine. But how useless it all is. You have wrapped me up in yourself again. In that familiar smile, which I will always argue was better with that broken tooth. Of that husky voice that has teased, tormented and angered me for years and years. The jokes that make me laugh endlessly, until tears stream down the side of my face. You were always good at that, weren’t you? Tears of joy, tears of sadness. Your one word, one sentence, one look would set me off. Into peals of laughter. Or a waterfall of tears. Uncontrollable. 

That is what it is I think. You make me lose control. In myself, in my feelings, in my carefully constructed plans. You arrive like a tornado and destroy everything I hold dear, everything that keeps me sane. I wish I could show you this, but I know what you will say. I waver between thinking I am special to you, to being one of many. There have been relationships, I know. Very serious ones. In your life, as in mine. But then why did you drunkenly call me when you were with someone else, telling me you wanted to marry me? Why did I call you when I was with someone else, throwing in your face that you were nothing but a fling?

I don’t know what you wanted. What you expected. Every time I move on, or I think I have, there you are. Bursting into my life. With your familiarity. With that stupid Davidoff perfume. With that terrible beard and that stupid smirk. With that incredibly warm hug. And then with that awfully cold behaviour which leaves me out as soon as you say something even remotely intimate. We go from friends to best friends to exes to just acquaintances in one conversation. And it messes me up. I want you to tell me what you feel, truthfully. When we are both sober. That is all I need, and I will go my way. But I won’t believe you if you say “you are just another girl I could have made out with”, and then a few months later tell me you never thought you were good enough for me. Mercurial. That is what you are. I just want to know where I stand. Yes, I know I am bracing myself for the most terrible rejection, but what is new in that? We have rejected each other countless times, what is one more?

What do I do? How do I not judge myself? I feel torn between this storm you have cast me into, and my responsibilities. You are a drug, and this is just hormones. Then why do I want to cry every time I realise we will never be together anymore, ever? I am with someone else. Who is so much better for me. But why can’t I even have a normal conversation with him since I met you?

I am going insane. Certifiably insane. And once again, as always, it is because of you. This infatuation needs to go. I need to get you out of my system. NOW. I know it was years ago, and I know you have close friendships with all of your exes except me.(can I even be called an ex-girlfriend? We were never even properly together!) I HATE YOU. I hate the fact that I am sitting here thinking of you when I have what everyone wants. An incredible relationship. A selfless partner. WHY AM I THINKING OF YOU?!

I f***ing hate you. 

And you know what the joke is? I know for a fact that you dont feel even 1% of what I do. And still, like an idiot, I cling to the past. I need to let it go. And the only way to do it is to hate you. 

I have been hating you for three years, and have let you go. And then you have no right to overturn that hate, to destroy its basis, and wash away everything I have worked so hard so far for. 

I will keep hating you.

And the joke is on me, because despite all this, I still love you. 

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Alright then, let me know what you all think! Will update the next part in a day or two :) 

Chapter 1: 

November 2016

"I have no words for you. You lead people on, play with their feelings and then just leave! Bravo, Khushi Kumari Gupta, I am slow clapping for you. Making people's lives hell is your special hobby and NO ONE as good at it as as you are.Well done, Khushi Gupta, you finally excel in something." Unable to bear the mocking bitterness in his tone that reached her despite the 10500 kilometres separating them, she hung up. Bracing herself, she looked around her room to desperately draw some solace from its familiarity, the pale winter sunlight streaming in through the glass making her shiver. The dam broke, and treacherous tears followed. Hugging her pillow, she collapsed in a heap of sobs. 

Distraught frenzy slowly gave way to annoyance, anger and then blinding hot rage. What had SHE done? Taking deep breaths, she looked around the room once more, grimacing in distaste at her phone. Picking up the incriminating instrument once again, she dialled the number that was always at the top of her speed dial. Payal's warm, concerned voice made her feel a lot better. "What did that as***le do now? I swear, Khushi, I will personally chop him to pieces if he hurts even your fingernail again!" Comfort slowly seeping into her at the angry tirade, Khushi poured her heart out, breaking down as she recounted being accused of "making people's lives hell." A long silence on the line threatened to shatter her composure, when she heard a sigh, followed by Payal's now-subdued tone. "You know, if I had been in your life then Khushi, I would have never let you break up with him." Ignoring the stinging feeling that felt similar to betrayal, she hung up with a "thanks, I'll call you later". Sitting back down on her bed, she allowed her thoughts to wander, slowly going back to THAT day. 

10 years ago: [June 2006]

Lavanya had just walked out of class to wash her hands, leaving her to make sense of the jumbled letters in their puzzle book. Feeling a familiar rush of adrenaline at seeing the anagrams, she had just started putting pen to paper when suddenly she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning around, her confusion slowly gave way to recognition when she saw the new guy who had joined their class a couple of days ago. "Hi?" She quizzically raised her eyebrows at him, slightly annoyed at the interruption.

"Erm... Is your friend's name Lavanya or Lavinia?" Ignoring the sudden flash of indignation at his question, she forced a friendly smile on her face, and said "It's Lavanya." With an "Oh thanks", he turned around, and so did she, desperately trying to ignore the disappointment that had crept in when he did not bother to ask- "And.. what's your name then?" Laughing at her own childishness, she immersed herself in the puzzles again.

.............

He got on her nerves. All the time. She successfully came to this conclusion after two months of sitting in front of him (NOT by choice, of course!). Lavanya and him on the other hand got along like a house on fire. Flirting with Lavanya was his favourite pastime, it seemed. It angered her immensely, of course it had to! Lavanya was her best friend. It was her duty to keep her away from elements that could hurt her, especially spoilt brats like Arnav Singh Raizada that believed the world revolved around them. 

She found out he was called Arnav purely by accident. A week or so after asking her Lavanya's name, he was, as usual, off flirting with Lavanya, when some girl had come to her asking for "Arnav" in a slightly high-pitched weedy voice. Her repeated  "Excuse me- Where is he?!" had grated on Khushi's ears, and she felt an immediate dislike for this girl who she had never seen before. Stamping out the tiny feeling of disappointment that he seemed to talk to every person on earth except her, she instead focused on feeling sorry for another poor hair-brained creature who clearly had fallen for that flirt's charms. He was bad news, and she was going to stay away. Her world revolved around Lavanya and Akash, her other best friend who happened to be sitting next to the stress-inducing Arnav Singh Raizada. Khushi had decided. She was going to have nothing to do with Arnav anymore.

It was easier said than done. The rest of the class kept tying the four of them together. Khushi-Akash and Lavanya-Arnav. The 4-some, they called them. Khushi was exhausted trying to distance herself from the ridiculousness, attempting to show everyone that she had nothing going on with EITHER of them. And just when her classmates were beginning to accept this terribly difficult fact- HE had to spoil it all.

Akash and Lavanya were out, and so it was just the both of them. "So, Khushi, how did you do in the English test yesterday? Aman told me you usually top the class?"  "Oh.. So you know my name!"  she couldn't hide the indignation in her tone. "Oh Come on! There are just THIRTY people in the class. It is not a supreme effort to know even random girls' names, especially for Arnav Singh Raizada" 

With that careless statement, her carefully constructed facade of indifference broke, and she whipped her gaze to him, fire in her eyes. "I would request you to then use your incredible memory to go remember the names of girls who actually give a damn about you, Mr whatever Raizada! I am sorry I don't remember what you are called, you see I don't usually engage with names or people that don't matter!"

"I see that your manners have decided to stay at home today. What is your problem Khushi? I was just trying to make conversation!"

"I don't care for pointless conversations, Raizada."

"I have a name. It is Arnav."

"Oh you could be a dog for all I care. Here, Tommy!"

"You are the shallowest, pettiest girl I have ever had the misfortune to meet, Gupta!"

"Oh give me a break Arnav!" 

"What the..!" 

and so on and so forth.

When this war of words changed, neither realised. The next thing she registered was that he bent down, yanked her shoe off her foot angrily, and threw it up in the air, only to land in the middle of a hushed classroom, wide eyed expressions directed at them from every side. You could have heard a pin drop. 

From the corner of her eye, she could see Akash and Lavanya at the door, with horrified expressions on their faces.

Some of her classmates smirked. The words "get a room you two" were bandied about in some corner. 

She groaned in frustration, too tired to react. Attention was the last thing she liked, or needed. And certainly not because of HIM.

One thing became two, and two became four. The little "happening" in class spread round the school like wildfire. And when Dhruv called her that afternoon, warning her not to get "too close" to Arnav, she decided she had had enough. Arnav was going to get everything back, every bit of it.

The next day in school made it much worse. Prepared to pounce on him as soon as he arrived, she almost lost her train of thoughts when Arnav Singh Raizada walked into class with an arrogant smirk plastered across is face, his broken tooth (why had she not noticed that before?) making him look... "adorable" she whispered to herself, before doubling up in horror at her thoughts. No! She could not lose focus. She was Khushi Kumar Gupta, nothing if not determined. Shrugging off the mildly disturbing thoughts, she advanced towards him. With each step, her urge to slap that smirk off his face became stronger.

She reached him, and raised her hand to finish the deed when she made the biggest mistake ever- of looking into his eyes. His dark hazel eyes held her stare, challenging her, it seemed, with their very depth. The next instant she felt her hand dropping straight down without even touching him, refusing to listen to her brain's commands. Worse, she distinctly felt a bright red blush creeping up her neck, rapidly spreading onto her face. 

He grinned victoriously, turned around, and walked away. Turned his back, ON KHUSHI KUMARI GUPTA! No one, no one had dared do that before.

With thoughts of revenge getting stronger, she stayed awake all night with disturbing visuals of him alternately burning on a barbeque skewer, and his eyes growing bigger till the fire died down, tormenting her all night.

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She couldn't point to the day, date or time when they started talking to each other like human beings. Friends would be a stretch. Civil, that is what they were. Neither tried to cross that boundary into friendship- it felt too complicated. It always seemed like there was this tension between them, every time they even as much as looked at each other. Out of all the things that could have started off their friendship, she would never have guessed that it would be forced proximity. He shifted to a house barely 5 minutes away from hers. They now shared a bus. Now a pick-up. Now a car to drop them both off. Try as she did, avoiding each other had become difficult. 

To her surprise, it was almost fun sometimes. The games, the chats, the off-key singing. His broken toothed smile, his slightly husky voice. 

Her dislike of him slowly ebbed, leaving behind pleasant feelings she never quite understood.

It wasn't supposed to be this way at all. In school, Dhruv and her were supposed to be the next prospective golden couple in the making. Having liked each other for ages, Khushi and Dhruv seemed, well, just natural. Dhruv was the kind of guy she always wanted. Sober, down to earth, simple, not so good looking, but extremely intelligent. He was worlds away from the flirtatious world inhabited by Arnav Singh Raizada. Then why had everything suddenly turned so upside down? Arnav Singh Raizada had ALL the qualities she never wanted - He was an arrogant playboy, flirting with everything that was female and walked on two legs. 

Then why...WHY did that irritating patch of red appear on her face everytime he said something to her??

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What do you guys think?

Let me know, and I will post the next chapter soon!

- S

Chapter two: Fireworks in my heart

New Year’s Eve, 2016: 

Khushi looked out at the twinkling lights, pulling her jacket tighter around herself to keep the winter chill out. Six years, and the winters in England still left her a sniffly bundle of chattering teeth, chilled to the bone and longing for the glorious dappled sunshine that defined winters in India. The two big glasses of her favourite red Merlot had been utterly useless at providing her with warmth or getting her adequately tipsy— she felt just as miserable as she had been two hours ago when she walked into this party with Payal. 

The last month had been difficult for Khushi Kumari Gupta. She felt devastatingly down in the dumps  (and for once the winter darkness was not the sole culprit). She had been avoiding her colleagues, her friends and lately even Payal. The winter sales on Uggs, new coats at Zara or her favourite hot choclate had failed to bring any joy and she had spent the large part of last weekend in bed curled up with a terrible book. At first, she had answered Payal’s calls with a sense of duty and then eventually stopped answering them altogether. This had not gone unnoticed by Payal, who had then resorted to turning up at her flat unannounced when she knew Khushi couldn’t avoid her anymore. Tonight was such an instance. 

Snuggled under her warm duvet, Khushi was just about to doze off into another dreamless sleep when Payal had knocked on here door with uncharacteristic relentlessness. Pushing her way past as soon as Khushi opened the door, Payal made her way into the kitchen. Too late, Khushi noticed the steaming cups of hot chocolate in her hand. Payal was on a warpath, and Khushi knew she couldn’t avoid her or the conversation they were about to have.

“So.. are we going to start a conversation where we ask each other how we are, or can we skip that part and come to what’s been going on with you for the past few weeks?” 

Sighing, Khushi turned away. “Pay—”

“No, don’t get me wrong— I am happy to let you avoid me for another month, but wow both know that there is a complete breakdown on the other side of that and I would personally like to spare us both that ordeal.” Payal had settled herself on the sofa with a blanket around her legs. This was going to be a long afternoon, and Khushi was in no mood to engage with any difficult discussions. Her still warm bed beckoned. 

Carefully perching on the breakfast stool, Khushi “Payal I am okay— you know how I get in winters, that’s all. Also work has been so busy I haven’t really had the chance to think about anything else.”

“Khush, I love you. I know you. I know when something is wrong— grant me that. You can avoid the world and pretend everything is perfect, but I am me. I am here. And I know something is really off.”

Realising that she was cornered, Khushi sank down on the sofa wordlessly. She felt Payal’s hand on her shoulder, and heard her hesitant “Is it about him?” The immediate, almost instinctive denial was on the tip of her tongue when she decided not to run anymore. “Pal, am I that terrible a person? After everything we have been through, after everything I have given him?” She looked so defeated, so despondent that Payal felt a sense of anguish for her friend. “Khush, you are NOT a bad person! We all know that. Why are you taking anything he says to heart? You KNOW how he is- must have been drunk or rejected by some woman and true to form, is taking it out on you. Khushi! Look at me.” Forcing Khushi to look up, Payal felt a wave of sympathy for her. The usually confident, calm Khushi looked like she was adrift in the middle of a stormy ocean. Unmoored. Her big eyes sparkling with tears that threatened to breach their banks any moment.

“Alright Khush, you need to listen to what I am saying. And I mean really listen to exactly what I say. You and Arnav have always been toxic for each other. You cannot speak to him again. I don’t know what went wrong Khush, but if I was around when you both were together, I would have never let you break up. But hey, what is done is done. Arnav needs to understand that, and so do you. You are in different continents, for god’s sake! He has always had a line of girlfriends in the past five years of us being friends! When has he ever really thought about you, what you want, or what you did for him as a friend even? I cannot see you beat yourself up over his selfishness Khushi, he is never going to change! You need to really get out there- actually why don’t we go to Luke’s New Year’s Eve party? All our friends are going, and you know he always has incredible food at his parties!”

That was four hours ago. Khushi had been dragged away from the sofa, into the bath and then had been put into a glittery body con dress by Payal who refused to hear any of her protests. A touch of makeup, hair tied back and Khushi looked like she was ready to take on the world. Replaying their conversation, Khushi let out a bitter laugh, looking out at the twinkling city lights below her. Payal would never understand. Funny how it was New Year’s Eve today. It was on New Year’s Eve all those years ago that had changed their lives forever. A tear threatened to fall from her eyes, and Khushi panicked. The wine was never going to work, she thought as she knocked back a couple of tequila shots in desperation. New Year’s Eve, 2007. That night would be forever etched into her memory.

10 years ago: 31st December 2006

Khushi stood on her terrace, glad to escape the constant bickering going on in the living room. As always, it was Arnav and Lavanya’s voices shouting at each other. It had really annoyed her. After months of Arnav relentlessly flirting with Lavanya, he had now decided he “absolutely couldn’t stand her!” Their fights had gradually escalated, with Khushi forced to act as the mediator, adult or chaperone as the situation demanded. Shivering in the December chill, Khushi shook her head in exasperation when she felt a heated gaze on her back. She slowly turned, suddenly self conscious about her short white halter dress. As she turned, her eyes met burning pools of honey, darkening and brightening alternately. She raised a questioning eyebrow at Arnav, who simply walked up and loosely wrapped his arm around her shoulders, his body giving her much needed warmth. His trademark smirk lit up her eyes, and for a fleeting moment she felt her entire world was right there in front of her— in the honey eyes smiling down at her. 

Somebody cleared their throat behind them, breaking the uneasy but companionable silence that seemed to wrap itself snugly around Khushi and Arnav that chilly night. They turned to see Lavanya standing there looking slightly uncomfortable. Trying to figure out what Lavanya wanted, Khushi did not fail to notice the hand that immediately slid off her shoulders as if scalded. Without as much as a glance at her, Arnav walked to Lavanya and started talking to her in low tones. Feeling strangely left out, Khushi went downstairs to offer Dhruv company. 

She had barely made it downstairs when loud shouting voices brought them all running back up to the terrace. Lavanya and Arnav were glaring at each other, shouting profanities. When Khushi stepped between them to mediate, Lavanya stormed off, locking herself in Khushi’s room for the better part of the night that followed. Arnav became strangely distant towards her that night onwards for the next few weeks. He never really came back to what he was, until that phone call from Akash.

New Year’s Eve, 2016: 

Looking down at her phone as her hazy mind went back to those memories she had vowed to forget, Khushi wondered what it would have been like if Akash had never called that day. Downing another drink and weaving Payal off, Khushi cursed herself for letting the same old thoughts get to her. Deciding she had had enough, she said her goodbyes and walked out of Luke’s apartment to clear her head. Her night was ruined as it is, and he had done it again. Unbidden, the thoughts came back to her.

January 2007: 

“Khushi, call Arnav. Now.” Akash’s urgent tone put her immediately on guard. 

“But what’s wrong?”

“It’s Lavanya. Him and Lavanya, again. It is a major problem this time and Arnav really needs you.”

Already angry with Arnav’s recent distant behaviour and Lavanya’s extreme moodiness, Khushi decided that she had had enough. Infuriated, she dialled the one number that, weirdly enough, she could recite in her sleep. “Now what?!” She exclaimed as soon as she heard his husky baritone. Her thoughts trailed to his eyes, those muddy pools of molten chocolate.. and his lips.. until “I really really like Lavanya” brought her crashing down to reality. Fighting tears that seemed t have suddenly sprung in her eyes, she swallowed. Ignoring the sinking feeling in her stomach, she tried to focus on what he was saying. 

“Khush? Uh.. Did you hear what I just said?”

“Erm, yeah. Yeah of course. But what do you want from me Arnav?”

“I actually want you to ask her out. For me. Look, you are one of my closest friends and you are Lavanya’s best friend. I really really really need you Khush. Please?” Those words were her undoing, and to her own wrath, she agreed. 

Twenty minutes and an intense discussion with Lavanya later, she called Arnav. His harsh and eager “So tell me what she said!” hurt her more than she thought. “Congratulations Arnav, she says yes to being your girlfriend” was all she could muster, hoping he would hang up and spare her the sorrow of now ‘sharing his joy’ like the ‘true friend’ she was. But she should have known better. It was her life, after all. 

In between excited whoops of joys and “Isn’t it so great, Khush?!”, he seemed to have forgotten that the girl he had talked to, occasionally flirted with and called on for help for hours every day wasn’t really sharing his joy. Khushi wanted to curl up and die, never to see his face again. She should have known. Lavanya had always been able to return Arnav’s banter with her flirty remarks, sharp jibes and pretend rudeness. Khushi on the other hand had just been boring. Plain. Nice. Hell, she didn’t even realise Arnav was flirting with her until he finally nudged her shoulder, ruffling her hair with a “Jeeeeez Khush you are the only girl who never understands when I am flirting with her!!” 

And so the Lavanya-Arnav saga started. Khushi was made to feel, every moment, how much of a hindrance she was to the ‘lovebirds’. Her heartbreak leaving her vulnerable and shaken, she tried her best to distance herself from Arnav, who in turn made every effort to grow closer to Khushi every passing day. Arnav’s parents and Di seemed to love her to bits and there were many many evenings where Khushi sat gossiping with Ratna aunty over steaming hot bhajiyyas and coffee. Di seemed to think that Khushi was the only person who wielded any power over her firebrand of a brother, and in her Khushi found a true friend and confidante. Countless evenings were spent sharing secrets and heart-to-hearts over ice-cream and endless Bollywood films. Di had quickly become the older sibling Khushi never had, and was firmly in the Khushi camp when Arnav would be the selfish and insensitive teenage jerk he was. This cocoon of safety had made it easy for Khushi to forget about the reality of Arnav and Lavanya being together.

However, it was one thing to know something was on. It was quite another to be faced with it, smack bang in her face. It was a usual Saturday afternoon. The three of them were watching Harry Potter at Khushi’s house for possibly the hundredth time. As an old favourite scene played, Khushi excitedly turned around to remind Arnav and Lavanya about their usual inside joke. She fell silent mid-sentence as the feeling of being out in the cold suddenly wrapped itself around her, chilling her to the bone. 

Arnav had his head on Lavanya’s shoulder, their fingers intertwined. He was stroking her hand softly, reaching down to land a soft kiss on her shoulder. Khushi stayed there for the moment, entranced. Never had she heard such an explosion within her, her heart breaking into a million pieces. Never had she felt so alone, so broken. She whipped her head back to the front, trying to forget about what she had just seen. 

That night, she dreamt of Arnav and Lavanya together every time she closed her eyes. Needless to say, she didn’t sleep a wink. Waking up the next morning, she had realised that she was trapped. Well and truly trapped in the spell that Arnav Singh Raizada had cast over her. She was so into him, there was no way out of there. And Arnav kept making matters worse. Much worse. Instead of keeping to his girlfriend, he kept increasing his presence in Khushi’s life, making her want to scream at him.

New Year’s Eve, 2016: 

Khushi unlocked her door, the alcohol already wearing off. Kicking off the scandalously high heels, she went into the bathroom to wipe the makeup from her face before bed. As she got some cotton out of the box by the sink, the light caught on her diamond bracelet, making it sparkle. Her thoughts returned to another bracelet in what felt like another life. 

October 2007: 

Arnav had been in Goa on a vacation for the past two weeks. Despite being relieved, she had missed him terribly. So terribly in fact that his number flashing on the phone one night almost sent her into an excited frenzy. “Khush, just wanted to confirm— you are coming to school tomorrow aren’t you? I have a surprise for you!” “Arnav, when did you get back? And what is this surprise? You know I don’t do well with surprises!” She had whined. “Oh god! Shut up. Trust me— I was so excited to call you Khush, I had been waiting since we landed. Now don’t spoil it and I will see you tomorrow goodnight!” With that he had hung up, leaving Khushi terribly worried. She dreaded his surprises. 

She was sitting in the bus the next day, when a hand popped out in front of her, holding a red bag with delicate golden stars and hearts on it. She looked around bewildered when his husky voice dangerously close to her ear made her heartbeats speed up at what felt like a thousand miles in an hour. “Go on Khush, open it.” With that, he broke into the biggest grin, his eyes sparkling. Her breath came out in a whoosh and with shaky fingers, she slowly undid the knot holding the bag close. Her breath caught. Inside the bag was the most beautiful shell bracelet she had ever laid her eyes on, lying in a gorgeous red wrapping tissue which glinted in the sunshine streaming in through the window.

She just stared, too scared to touch the bracelet, wondering if this was a dream. Almost as if he had read her mind, he said “It is for you. I got it specially for you. Saw it in Goa and couldn’t stop thinking about how great it would look on you.” Placing it on her wrist, she marvelled at just how right the size, shape and colour were…for her. A small smile lit up her face. “Thanks Arnav, it is beautiful.” 

“I am so happy you liked it— Di was about to tear her hair out at my indecisiveness when we went shopping! Should I hold on to it and give it to you on our way home?” 

Giving it back to him, she couldn’t wait for the day to end.

“Khushi! Khush! I need your help yaar!” As he came running towards her during break, she couldn’t help but admire him from afar. Tall, trim, and with his hair flopping onto his forehead, Arnav Singh Raizada was the most perfect eye-candy. Said eye-candy however was currently running towards her, extremely agitated.

“Er…. Khush, that bracelet..” 

“I loved it Arnav, it’s beautiful— didn’t I say that this morning?” A soft smile spread across her face, as she thought about the gorgeous piece of jewellery with its blue and green shades glinting in the sunlight.

“Actually Khushi, er, there’s a problem. I got Lavanya the exact same bracelet and was going to give it to her later today. But..but sir confiscated both of them and he said he lost one. I don’t know what to do!” 

Her earlier joy at receiving the exquisite piece of jewellery left her in a whoosh. Feeling the familiar weight in her stomach, Khushi found herself saying “Hey, it’s okay. Give the bracelet to Lavanya- I will be fine with no bracelet.” “But Khush, I gave it to you first!” “Arnav, she is your girlfriend! And after all, it is the thought that counts— I am more than happy to lord it over you that you went jewellery shopping for the rest of our lives!” 

Seemingly satisfied with her reasoning, and with a “You are the absolute best, my Khush!” He had run off, leaving her behind with a turmoil of emotions threatening to spill out through her tears, once again. 

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Sooo here is chapter 2! Let me know what you think! I will update once every 3-4 days, earlier if I find the time. However, please comment to let me know what you think- even if you are a silent reader, a like will do- it is the only thing that keeps writers motivated! :) 

- S

Chapter three: Splinters 

July 2017

Loud ringing woke her up from a fitful sleep. "KHUSHIII! Why do you sound like you are still asleep? Oh my god this girl is crazy! GET UP. Now! Get dressed! Did you forget about school?"

Groaning, she glanced at the clock and almost had a heart attack. Memories of yesterday flashed through her head, and she suddenly realised what she had done yesterday.

"Oh f**k!" Leaping out of bed, she jumped straight into the shower.

 The hot water and rich lather of her jasmine scented body wash gave her time and space to contemplate on the happenings of the previous day. Without letting her mind wander, she jumped out of the shower, and opened her wardrobe, trying to decide on what was formal enough for making her seem dignified, in control and older than her twenty-five years.

She took a deep breath, calming herself as she stared at the mirror. It wasn't going to be easy. At twenty-five, she had a degree from Cambridge, the best university in the world, and was on her way to becoming one of the brightest young minds in the corporate crisis management industry. The countless seminars and speeches she had given all over the world weren't enough to prepare her for one simple thing: being chief guest at her school's annual young leaders programme function. She didn't have it in herself to go back to where everything started. And what was worse, she could not face him. With a Harvard education under his belt, that smug, arrogant ass was the other chief guest, and the current source of her being a nervous wreck.

One day ago:

Khushi scrunched her nose as she read an email she had received a month ago, for what seemed like the hundredth time. "

...As a young achiever in all senses, and one of the biggest sources of pride for Carmel Weston High School,  you are cordially invited to inspire our future leaders as a chief guest at the annual young leaders' award programme. Please find attached the programme agenda..."

Her joy at being called one of the biggest sources of pride by the school that made her who she was, that she owed everything she had today to, was unmatched. No amount of fat paycheques, international recognition and felicitations made up for the happiness that filled her heart at being asked to come back to school as a chief guest for one of the most time-honoured traditions at Carmel Weston. Eyes shining and heart singing,  she quickly skimmed through the programme agenda, and almost missed it.

 Arnav Singh Raizada.

The name that managed to evoke the same reaction in her mind as it did five or even ten years ago.

Her heart crashing into her stomach, she felt a dull pain overtake her senses, before she decided to take control and make it better for herself.

Fervently praying that he hadn't changed his number in the past six months, she took deep gulping breaths before the husky "Hello" made the carefully prepared speech in her head fly out of the window.

"Arnav, it's me."

"What do I owe this absolute pleasure to, Miss Khushi Kumari Gupta?"

She sighed in relief. He had recognised her voice, and acknowledged her without being bitter or downright cruel. Surely things couldn't go that badly. "You recognised my voice."

"You may not know it, but my memory is impeccable as always. And your voice is one I am not likely to forget in a hurry. Not saying you should remember my voice though, I mean I understand that there must be many men in your life right now. Don't mind me, I'm joking."

And there it was, as always. A sharp barb thrown at her, in the guise of dry, sarcastic humour. She felt herself break into a million pieces, no stranger to the feeling by now. Before she lost her composure, she decided to plough through. "Plough through and hang up Khushi" she reminded herself.

 "Look, I do not want to rehash the past. I got the invite from school, and also got the message about the reunion party after the award function tomorrow night. I just wanted to break the ice and say let's not be awkward around each other tomorrow, Arnav. Let's be cordial at least, if not friendly." 

That had unleashed it. His famous temper.

"Cordial? YOU are asking ME to be cordial? It is best you get one thing clear Khushi Kumari Gupta, I have wasted enough time to get you to be cordial to me. And I would appreciate it if you don't insult whatever friendship we might have had by even suggesting that we could be friendly towards each other. And one more thing, I will be there at school tomorrow. Also at the party, since I do have friends I need to catch up with. How you deal with my presence is none of my concern."

Predictably, the conversation had then descended into insults, abuses and accusations hurled at each other, until the caustic "Well done, Khushi Gupta, you finally excel at something" made her hang up in distress. 

-----

Snapping out of her thoughts, she gave herself a once over. Satisfied with her fitted teal blue cotton dress, she threw on a black blazer and some black pumps and walked out of the door, summoning all the strength she had.

It was good to be home. Memories from what felt like a lifetime ago flashed before her eyes as she met the teachers who had painstakingly supported her through every joy or sorrow, whether big or small. Confidently walking to the stage, she looked out to the sea of bright, eager faces, a small smile on her own face as she recalled the time she was one of these young, innocent students who were ready to take on the world.

------

It was with great difficulty that he averted his gaze from her face, lit up by her beautiful smile. She always smiled with her eyes, he mused. It was natural, with her huge eyes that made up about 1/5th of her face. Laughing at himself for the thought from years ago that came into his mind, unbidden, he moved forward, before her sparkling hazel pools came to rest on him. Snapping out of his reverie, he strode forward purposefully, taking his seat on the stage.

She had noticed him enter the auditorium. The famous Arnav Singh Raziada, fresh out of Harvard. The big up-and-coming name in the sustainable textiles industry. 'Conscientious GQ Man of the Year 2017'. To Khushi, he was still the same. Down to his floppy lock of hair which always escaped his furious efforts to tame it despite applying copious amounts of hair gel. The thought almost made her laugh while her gaze floated to his, until he noticed her looking at him. Dark, stormy brown stared back and clashed with her, before he looked away and strode purposefully to the stage. Putting wayward thoughts aside, she too straightened herself, and focused on the programme. After a herculean three hours, her shoulders sagged in relief, and she looked around, proud at both of them for successfully being able to ignore each other for the better part of the ceremony. She could do this, she thought.

------------

Khushi looked wildly around, momentarily disorientated by the flashing disco lights, swaying bodies and her own dizziness. Those tequila shots were definitely not a good idea, especially when she had barely been able to keep any food down in her nervousness at the possibility of seeing him in a social setting that night. He had, as always, taken her breath away. She smiled slowly, shrugging at the coincidence of their song playing at the exact time her thoughts had taken a turn towards him. Hugging herself to bring some warmth into her body, she looked up, and his intense gaze on her took her breath away. Helpless against their magnetic pull, an unknown force seemed to pull her towards the familiar pools, wanting nothing more than to drown in them this instant. It was strange, she mused. He seemed to be walking towards her, too, as if hypnotized. The lights had dimmed, and couples strayed onto the floor. His cool, minty breath washed over her, while his hands slowly trailed a fiery path up her arm. She stared up at him, unable to look away, transfixed. She really needed to fix that lock of hair that always flopped on to his forehead, and unbeknownst to her, her arm reached out to push his hair away. That broke the trance, and his resistance. "Oh my god what am I doing?"  was the last coherent thought in her head before his warm, soft lips took over, transporting them to a world that was so familiar, but every bit as as potent as their first time.

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Her head throbbed and she reached out for some water, mentally berating herself for the thousandth time since she had woken up that morning. Funny how this happened every time, she thought and grimaced.

"Hey"

She turned around at his sleepy voice, and almost did a double take. At twenty-two, Arnav Singh Raizada had been an incredibly handsome boy. At twenty-six, he was a drop-dead gorgeous man. Who had just woken up and was standing in the same room as her. In his boxers. Staring at her with fire in his eyes, as if he could see through the duvet she was snuggled under. She quickly glanced down at herself and groaned. Of course, she was naked. She squirmed, wishing the earth would open up and swallow her whole. That way, at least she would be able to breathe, away from Arnav's eyes.  Her face flamed and she ducked her head, letting the curtain of her hair cover her. Clearing his throat, he strode forward as if it was a daily occurrence, got himself some water from her nightstand and walked off to shower, ignoring her shocked face.

Fury overcame her at his lack of acknowledgement at the happenings of the night before, clouding coherent thought. She decided to wait for him to come out of the shower before confronting him.

 "Look Arnav.."

"Khushi, look, this always happens. I was drunk, you were drunk. You could have been any girl at the club, and I would have got with her. Don't worry yourself over it. We cool."

 "We cool? WE COOL? Are you f**king hearing yourself Raizada?"

"What? This isn't the first time this has happened, is it? And I didn't see you complaining after last time either." His indifferent shrug broke the dam building up inside her, and she stormed into the shower before he could see her tears of anger, regret and heartbreak.

Another time flashed before her eyes.

Four years ago. Di's birthday. Dim lights. Too much wine, someone trying to dance with her. His firm grip as he hauled her into his arms, away from that guy. Ah the familiarity. Home. Arnav. His warm lips on her, as she feebly protested. "But Khushi, you broke up with him. I am still in love with you." And then fire. Everywhere his lips travelled. His muttered "god, you're so sexy" groans. Splintering apart into thousands of sensations in his arms as he caressed her with a thousand reassurances whispered into her ears. And the same indifference the next morning. "Oh come on, Khushi, I know you just broke up with him. But seriously, when has any boyfriend of yours ever affected the friendship between us?"

"Friendship? You call this friendship? Do you sleep with all your friends then, Raizada? Please do tell me, because it seems like I can't recognise this new Arnav since you went to College!"

"Khushi, your boyfriends have always had stupid issues with me. Remember Rana? When did he matter to you anyway? And this random guy you're shouting to me about, I have never even met him! How the hell does he matter to what happened last night? You broke up with  him. You're single, I am single. We got drunk and made out. That is it. Stop making it into a big deal!"

Disappointed, devastated and angry, she had stormed out of his house, promising herself to never become this vulnerable before someone she once called her closest friend.

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Sooooo guys! Thanks for all your comments! :) What do you think? Let me know, as always your comments make it all more exciting for me to write. It has been wonderful, finding this forum again- like coming home after years! :) 

- S

Chapter four: Heartbreak Hotel

Vigorously scrubbing herself dry, Khushi readied for battle. He was not going to get away with it this time. 

"Arnav, we need to talk." 

"Sure Khushi Kumari Gupta. I have all day to 'talk' to you."

Ignoring his air quotes and raised eyebrow, Khushi took a deep breath.

"Look. I don't care about last night. We are adults. We got drunk and slept together. As you said, it happens."

"I meant it always happens. Especially with us. Also, I don't get the point of this conversation- what is there to talk about? We slept together, you seemed to enjoy it. Now we can have breakfast and then leave. My flight is in 6 hours. Or we can not have breakfast, and you can leave. I am sure you need to check out of your hotel. Or are you staying with one of your many ex-admirers? I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if you–"

"ENOUGH! Just f****ing enough already Arnav. Sure yes you made your point six months ago, you made your point two days ago, you made your point just now. I am some sort of terrible heartless b**ch who uses men for her selfish needs. But you know what? I don't give a damn. I don't give a damn about what you think. And you know why? Because Arnav, once upon a time you were not this awful excuse of a man. You were my best friend. The best friend I had ever had. And you knew it. All I ever wanted was for you to have my back. And what did you do? You went out, you had your relationships. I supported you through all of it for god's sake! Even Lavan–"

"Khushi don't you DARE say I did not have your back. I was the one there to pick up the pieces EVERY time some idiot broke your naive, foolish little heart. EVERY TIME."

"NO you weren't there for me Arnav. You were there for the show. Poor little Khushi, let's see how many times I can say 'I told you so' to her face before she breaks. I wanted my best friend Arnav. I wanted my best friend to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. Even when I called you in November, I –"

"Khush, I"

"Don't call me Khush, Arnav. You lost that right when you refused to be my best friend."

Furiously running his hand through his hair, Arnav took a deep breath to calm himself. This was not part of the plan. Not running into her, not sleeping with her, and definitely not having this conversation with her.

"Fine. Khushi Kumari Gupta, let me now tell you the biggest truth of all. Your boyfriends never could handle you."

"Arnav this has always been your attitude with EVERYONE I ever dated! You dislike them, and then you wait for me to break up with them before you can flaunt your 'I told you so's' in my face."

"No Khushi, I had the self-respect to dislike anyone who hated me without getting to know me. And all your boyfriends have categorically hated me, for no reason whatsoever. Whether it is Amit, or whether it was Rana." 

"Arnav, we were children then. And you are bing a child now."

"No, we weren't children. We were 17 and 18. And look me in the eyes Khushi Kumari Gupta, and tell me, it wasn't just about then was it? When you called me six months ago, that's exactly where you were. Poor little Khushi-- 15 or 25, still in the same place."

"F**k you Arnav! YES I was heartbroken six months ago. And I wanted a friend. Just a friend Arnav. And you don't need to tell me, I regret EVERY minute of that phone call I made to you. All I wanted was support from my friend when I was down and out and you couldn't even give me that Arnav. Not pity, not sympathy, not even support as someone who was my best friend."

Arnav looked at her in deathly silence, his face giving nothing away. It was the ticking in his jaw and his eyes that turned coal black that gave it away. Suddenly, Khushi was afraid. Very very afraid. 

"Are you kidding yourself? You had me as more than a best friend. And you threw it all away Khush."

His tone shook her. With that one word, he had effectively dismissed her and her emotions. from his mind, from this conversation. Khushi knew when she was defeated. Turning, she walked out of Arnav's apartment. There was nothing to throw away anymore.

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So I had to split this up into two for some reason! Let me know what you think! Would love to se comments on this one especially :) 

-S