Chapter 1 The Day She Shattered
"Khushi, I...I...am...think...I want...
Khushi looked at him, surprised to hear him stutter. Her husband was one of the most confident people she knew and him stuttering in front of her was such an anomaly. She stared at him in surprise. Just as she decided to flash him what she hoped was an understanding smile and tell him that he could tell her anything, she felt the earth slip from under her as he took a deep breath and told what he wanted, in a rush.
"I want a divorce...
She looked at him, stunned, unable to comprehend what he was saying. Her heart pounded so loud that she felt her eardrums would burst from the sound. Blood gushed through her veins. A divorce?! What?! Why?! Was this some sort of a joke? She must have voiced some question out loud as she saw him close his eyes and shake his head.
"No...it's not a joke. It's not...
As he took a deep breath and looked at her with an expression that could only be named as guilt, she shook her head as she backed away. She didn't want to hear this. Intuition, instinct, call it whatever...but, she knew that if he said his next words, her world would never be the same again. She would never be the same again.
"I've met someone...And I...
"No!! No!!! "
Covering her ears with her hands and closing her eyes, she shook her head in negation, childishly hoping that when she opened them she would see her husband of fifteen years looking at her with his signature half-smile and amusement twinkling in his eyes.
This had to be a dream...a nightmare...once she opened her eyes, she would see that everything was the same. Her stupid heart tried to hope, desperately, still trying to convince her that this could not be happening to her.
"Please...I didn't...I didn't mean for this to happen...I tried...tried hard...but...I can't...not anymore..
"No!! I said don't!!!
She looked at him then, hoping to see his stance softening, willing him to see what he was doing to her, instead, she found herself looking at his guilt-stricken and yet determined expression. With dawning horror, she realized that he meant every word. He really wanted to go away from her...he really wanted the divorce.
"But...but...what about me? What about us? And the kids?! " Oh, God! The kids!! What was she going to tell them?
"I don't understand! Why? Why do you want to do this? "
He didn't seem to have answers for any of her questions. He stood there looking at her with guilt and pity. Pity? Her mind reprimanded her when the expression registered. How dare he feel pity?!
She welcomed the bite of anger that fought and broke through the numbness that had taken hold of her. How dare he feel pity for her when he was the one who was having the affair!! When he was the one who had shattered their marriage vows!
"Is it the sex? " she spat out, the sneer in her tone unmistakable.
"What?! No!!! " He looked at her appalled for a moment before schooling his features. In a much gentler tone, he beseeched her.
"It's nothing like that. I am not...not having an affair or anything. " he looked away as he ran a shaking hand through his hair.
Not having an affair? Then what did he mean when he said he had met someone?
"Then why? " she whispered, her voice breaking. When he refused to meet her eyes, she shook him lightly.
"Tell me!! I don't understand!! We have everything! Two beautiful children, a nice house, cars, and by God's grace, enough money!! Then why?! Why when we are so happy?! "
"Happy?! " It was his turn to sneer.
"Happy? " he asked again. "We are not happy, Khushi. Yes, we have everything! Two kids, cars, a house...everything...but what we are is not happy! " he derided, his finger rapidly moving in the space between them, pointing to the two of them.
"What we are is...a...habit!! A routine! I wake up in the morning, go to work, come back, eat, sleep and do the same thing again the next day. In between, maybe spend some time with the kids and watch the tv. On Sundays, make love. This is a routine!! Not happiness! "
Unmindful of the tears that dripped down her cheeks, he continued, breaking the bubble of happiness that she had been living in for the past fifteen years.
"I don't want this routine anymore! I want to be happy! I deserve to be happy! " the fervor in his voice stunned her. She looked at him dazed, bewildered.
Not happy? She had been happy...she had been happy even today when he had come early. So happy that he had finally found some time for his family. Her happiness had blinded her to the tense set of his shoulders and the monosyllabic answers he had given her.
"Is dal okay? " He had just nodded. It should have been her first clue. He hated dal with a vengeance.
"Are you sure? " she had prodded, hadn't she?!
"I know you don't like dal... I can quickly make something else for you. You didn't tell me that you would be home in time for dinner. Warna, I would have made something else. "
"No, I said this is fine "
She had chosen to see his terse answer as his consideration for her workload. He doesn't want you to make something just for him, Khushi. See, he is being so considerate and here you are always troubling him, her mind had chided her.
When he had quietly asked her to come to his study after she cleaned the kitchen, her heartbeat had increased in anticipation of a romantic encounter. In her excitement, she had failed to consider that he had called her into his study.
They hadn't touched each other in so long...she had thought, wistfully, suddenly feeling more like the naive girl of eighteen she had been as a bride than the experienced woman of thirty-three she was now. Of late, their love life had become...stale...what had he said? Routine.
How had she not had a clue? How had she not seen this coming? How could she have been completely blindsided like this? Stupid!! That's what she was! Plain stupid!
"And you think you will find this...this happiness with her? " her voice was barely a whisper, aching.
He looked as though he wanted to wipe away her tears...as though her tears hurt him. A moment passed, then another but he stood there, still as a statue.
"I...I don't know... his voice was the same aching whisper too. She didn't understand it. Didn't understand the emotion in his voice. This...this indecisiveness. If he wasn't sure, then why was he doing this?
"Don't know? " she looked at him, bewildered, entreating him
Turning his face away from her pleading gaze, he replied, the tone harsh.
"I don't know. But...I want to try..."
He didn't know...but he wanted to try?! He wasn't sure...but he wanted to try to be happy with another woman? Why couldn't he try to be happy with her? She hadn't even known that he hadn't been happy! She felt as though he was trying to tell her something...something that seemed to go over her head. Like they were speaking but in two completely different languages. She couldn't understand what he was saying and he couldn't explain it. All she knew was that he was throwing away everything on a whim...hers and her children's peace and happiness on an impulse!
"No, it's not an impulse...I've been thinking about this for a while...and...and I really think we will be better if we are apart. Happy.." the gentleness in his tone sent a fresh surge of pain through her.
He had known what she had thought without her saying a word. How could this be wrong?
"But...but you said...you are not sure... He wasn't sure...the thought refused to leave her. He was throwing away everything for something he wasn't sure of! As the thought really sunk in, in a flash, the anger was back, gushing through her veins and erupting with the force of a volcano.
"You don't know?! What the hell do you mean by you don't know? You...you are throwing away all this on a whim? Did you think about how this would affect me? And the kids?! Did you spare a thought for them? How would this affect them? What kind of a father are you? Or did you forget that you were a bloody father? A husband? All because you met some bitch who couldn't keep her hands off a married man? "
She had angered him. She could see it in the nerve throbbing at his temple, in the tightly clenched fists, in the gritted teeth. As he took a menacing step towards her, she wondered if her words had affected him to an extent that he would strike her...for the first time in all these years. Instinctively taking a step back, she was relieved when he didn't proceed further.
"That's enough!! " his low harsh tone sent a shiver of apprehension skittering up her spine.
"There is no need for name calling! Leave Lavanya out of this!! "
Lavanya...the bitch had a name, sneered her mind. Lavanya...the name sparked a distant memory. A conversation they had last year before he had gone on a shoot to China came to mind with crystal clarity. She remembered the regard on his face, the admiration.
"The model is Lavanya...a new girl...she's good. Very young...just nineteen but really, you should see her work...she's a pro! " he had said. She had been happy that he had seemed impressed. Happy that he had been happy. He had asked her to come with him to China, she recalled. She, being her usual self, had refused since it was middle of the school year and the kids couldn't come. Idiot!
Oh, God! She fought nausea that threatened to overcome her as everything hit her again. Would things have been different if she had gone with him? And he was leaving her...for a woman...no...girl who was almost half his age. Her life was a cliche...a f**king cliche!
She felt drained, the fight going out of her.
"Lavanya?! Wasn't she the girl you went to China with? On that shoot last year? "
Had it been going on for more than a year? Had she really been that oblivious? She had...she accepted with a heavy heart. It all made sense to her now. He had seemed more distant after that trip. She had attributed it to work pressures. More competition, more expenses, more pressure to be the best. She had been sympathetic, she thought, her heart breaking a little more. She had hovered over him, coddling him, mothering him. She felt a virulent hatred for her naive self-spread through her.
With a sinking heart, she realized that the more distant he seemed to become from her, the more she had tried to hold on. He hadn't been overworked, he had...he had been falling in lust! The churning in her stomach intensified. The dal and Roti she had for dinner, threatening to reappear. The sick feeling grew along with disgust for both, herself and him. She couldn't bear to look at him anymore. Share the same air, same space.
Backing away from him, she heard her voice as though it was coming from somewhere deep inside her.
"You...you have been feeling this way for the past year, haven't you? That's...that's why you have been so distant...so preoccupied... It wasn't a question...she understood now...
She saw him step forward, his arms outstretched trying to reach for her. She backed away a little more, out of his reach.
Why...she wanted to know. Needed to know. What was it that made the man in front of her forget that he was a husband, a father.
"Why? " her question was soft, without rancor. She genuinely wanted to know.
He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them. He caught her gaze and held it, making her gasp at the expression in them. He looked as broken as she felt.
"Because I am tired. Tired of wanting to be understood...tired of needing a connection. Tired...tired of being just a husband and father and not a man. " the resigned grief in his voice was her undoing. She had failed...failed spectacularly. But, she hadn't even known she was being tested.
"And she makes you feel like a man? " her voice was soft but the indignation in it was unmistakable. Through her tears, she saw him shake his head.
"See, you still don't get it! " the disappointment in his voice concurred with defeat and she once again had the uncomfortable sensation of somehow having let him down. Of having misunderstood his words, their meaning eluding her, their essence lost in translation.
With a resigned sigh, she heard him speak
"I have never cheated on you, Khushi. That's not what I meant...not at all. It's not...not about how I feel...or how she makes me feel. It's about what I am. Lavanya, she...she...through her words or actions did not make me feel like a man. But, by being herself, she made me realize that I am one. That I am more than a husband or a father. " his eyes pierced her to her very soul
"That I am still me... Arnav. "
That was the instant Khushi Raizada shattered. Somewhere deep in the recess of her mind, she realized that it was possible for a person to shatter to smithereens and still stand erect without betraying, either through a tremor or a quiver, the anguish and agony that engulfed every cell of their being.
***
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Edited by Ssanjinika - 5 years ago
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